Andrew Callaghan and Channel 5 delve into the horny heart of darkness that is pickup artistry
Andrew Callaghan, formerly of "All Gas No Brakes," takes his new crew to Vegas for a workshop hosted by Vince "The Cock" Kelvin
Aux Features Andrew Callaghan
Brand names and contract disputes aside, Andrew Callaghan has quickly established himself as an expert at documenting America’s strange, surreal, unhealthy, aspiring Soundcloud rapper underbelly. Back in April, Channel 5—his new, post-All Gas No Brakes gonzo journalism venture—explored the hard seltzer-soaked streets of Miami during COVID-19 spring break. But Callaghan’s latest journey might make the best case yet for everyone to return to a quarantined existence… gird your loins, America, it’s time to see what pickup artists are up to these days.
“The cockblocker we have to watch out for is ourselves,” Vince “The Cock” Kelvin counsels a hotel room full of fellow Criss Angel impersonators and Callaghan at a “secret” pickup artist bootcamp workshop at the Mirage in Las Vegas. Kelvin—a man who, contrary to first impressions, is evidently not a new Sacha Baron Cohen character—apparently holds a shudder-inducing world record for “Most Makeouts.” Apparently, this is enough of a CV to bilk lonely, man-children with misplaced anger out of hundreds of dollars in exchange for tips like:
- “You don’t want to be the nice guy with whom they had a nice conversation.”
- “To be a pickup artist means you gotta pick yourself up, and pick up people. It’s elevation.”
- “You look at a woman and go, ‘I wonder what her insecurities are.’”
- “I have lovely testicles, but actually, you know, I don’t know if they are that big…it’s an illusion.”
What follows is, perhaps unsurprisingly, a montage of men struggling to explain their own emotions, horrific run-ins on the Vegas strip with various people walking past, lots of sexual harassment, and Callaghan doing his damndest to hide his utter horror at the state of humanity in the year 2021.
“This is so portable!” Kelvin announces at one point after literally picking up a woman to the cheers and jeers of a nearby crowd. “That’s sexual assault, bro,” a man yells at him on behalf of the rest of us. Kelvin, of course, seems to have convinced himself otherwise. Keep doing God’s work, Callaghan. The rest of us will gawk at a safe distance.
[via Digg]
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16 Comments
Seriously, dude, if all you want is something to stick your dick into, you can buy something at the sex toy shop for significantly less than $300.
You can even insult it, since that seems to be the real point of all this, and it won’t care at all.
I sometimes wonder if the guys who hurl misogynist insults at women are ever mistaken for confident, emotionally healthy men.
All I can ever think of when I see one of these clowns is Pepe Le Pew.
Wasn’t there a shitty VH1 reality show with this premise?
Yes! Starring Mystery, his crew and a bunch of unsuccessful contestants who cringingly failed in every episode to pick up women. It was a great way to feel superior to people who also had trouble meeting women but thought having a camera crew follow them was a smart idea
I will say the real winner of that show was the contestant who got oral surgery to straighten his teeth (I think that’s what it was) paid for by the show. He might have wasted his time picking out outrageous clothes at the mall but the amount of hours he missed at work might still have not added up to the cost of that surgery.
I’m bummed about what happened with him and AGNB but I’m glad to see he’s still doing his thing.
I just can’t get over the fact that he’s calling this new series “Channel 5.” Like are we going to see the Married News Team and Dr. Steve Brule anytime soon?
Also UK people being really confused as there is in fact a Channel 5 there , and it does like tacky reality shows/documentaries.
I thought this peaked in about 2007 or so and – given almost all women are aware and laugh at the techniques nowadays – has been relegated to one of the weirdest trends of the naughts.Which makes those willing to spend for a seminar even slightly more pathetic.
Your comment is terrible and you should be embarrassed. Come for a quick drink with me?
There’s always fresh meat for scammers and hucksters, especially in the “manosphere”, which also has ties to the far-right/alt-right.
“I have lovely testicles, but actually, you know, I don’t know if they are that big…it’s an illusion.”
That “illusion” is called “having a small dick”.
Why do these dudes always dress like that?
Jeezus, Little Nicky did NOT age well.
Criss Angel is looking like shit