Achievement unlocked: basic human hygiene. While rumors swirl about the specs of a potential Playstation 5, Microsoft has blown whatever Sony has planned for E3 right out of the water by announcing that the next generation of Xbox will be soap. That’s right, finally, after enduring decades without a soap to call their own, gamers at long last have just that. No more is Xbox just a gaming console—it’s now a body wash, deodorant, and body spray, and you better fucking believe it comes from the makers of Axe. (Or “Lynx”, as it’s called in Australia where it will be first released.)
You might be wondering, why do gamers need their own Xbox soap? Per The Verge, here’s Xbox business group lead for Australia/New Zealand Tania Chee: “We see Xbox fans achieve incredible things every day, and we wanted to celebrate that elevated skill, passion and determination by creating something truly special. Now, powering up can be as simple as a quick spray before you head out the door.”
See? Makes perfect sense. So, what does Xbox smell like? Basically, various kinds of green shit. Here’s Microsoft’s product description: “Lynx Xbox is a fresh scent of pulsing green citrus, featuring top notes of kaffir lime and winter lemon, aromatic herbal middle notes of mint and sage, and woody bottom notes of patchouli and clearwood.”
It is always encouraging to have your personal body fragrance be described as “pulsing.” But while Microsoft is working hard to empower gamers to smell overwhelmingly of green body wash and spray, lots of motherfuckers on Twitter had jokes.
Mock it all you want, but the fact of the matter is you’re just jealous that Microsoft has created a scent for having slurs yelled at you online by a prepubescent boy and didn’t make one for you. Perhaps you’ll change your tune upon the release of Axe Excel, Axe Skype for Business, or Axe Windows Server 2019.
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17 Comments
Now if they just make Dorito mouthwash and Mountain Dew shaving cream, we can get a full morning routine going!
If this is what helps sell gamers on the idea of personal hygiene then I guess it’s a good thing?
I didn’t think they’d be able to bottle “sadness” but they did.
They did! They call it “Early Times.”
Finally, a soap that demands “show me ur b00b5″
As long as I don’t get a Red Ring of Death when I use it.
Xbox Body Wash: The Soap That Can Call You A Faggot
Moms of the world rejoice.
“Smells like Mountain Dew and B.O.”
“What is this, canned me?”
Man I feel bad for the PR people who have to pretend they’re enthusiastic about shilling this stuff. Even reading this: “We see Xbox fans achieve incredible things every day, and we wanted to celebrate that elevated skill, passion and determination by creating something truly special. Now, powering up can be as simple as a quick spray before you head out the door.”…makes the gorge rise a little. Can’t even begin to imagine how dirty they felt having to write it.
I’m pretty sure the “head out the door” line is a fine example of comic irony, so the copywriter is probably fine.
Microsoft Exec: Guys, we’re really falling behind Sony. What can we do to keep up?Junior exec: High quality exclusives?Microsoft Exec: I’m hearing body wash.
“I’ve been using this body wash but now I have these strange red ring-shaped sores. Should I be concerned?
I don’t smell body wash I smell a lawsuit. Looks like someone forgot about Dre
Pah! I’ll stick with my Intellivision soap, thank you very much!
Truly the Lifebuoy of electronics/personal hygiene crossover products.