Since Fox News continues to pretend to be a real news network (to the extent that its “straight news” shows have grudgingly accepted that Donald Trump got shit-canned in the recent election), “real Americans” have been fleeing in disillusioned white-flight panic to even more fringe outlets like OAN and new rube-bait power player Newsmax. You know, since Fox has largely moved onto figuring out the best ways to slander the new Democratic President in Joe Biden, and those brave battlers against inconvenient facts keep running with headlines like “It’s not over!,” “North Korean ballot shipments through Maine!” and other such sweaty, reality-averse sloganeering delivered by certifiable nutcakes even Fox won’t book. Well, last night’s Timothée Chalamet-hosted Saturday Night Live cannily extended the Newsmax “all the news your racist uncle sees fit to believe” philsophy into the world of sports, with an end-of-show sketch winner covering the launch of Sportsmax—the one all-sports network where the New York Jets are undefeated!
With Alex Moffat’s anchor sneering as he introduced the lamestream sports media’s assertion that Jets are actually 0-12 because they suck at football and stuff, a succession of commentators came on to debunk that bunk. What’s that you say, ESPN? The Jets lost to the Bills that one time? Well then how come, as Beck Bennett’s wise guy pundit points out, the Jets were ahead in that October game, 3-0? Yeah, it was the first quarter, but that’s when scores count—what’s with the Bills adding all these points later in the game “from out of nowhere”? “Either the Jets won three-to-nothin’, or this whole game is rigged,” spat Bennett’s analyst, and you can’t argue with that logic. Same goes for that Dolphins game in November. Dolphins won? 28-3? Is that what the NFL is telling you, sheeple? Then how come Chalamet and Pete Davidson’s tag-team co-reporters took time from their french fry break to hump along all these signed affidavits from angry Jets fans who swear they all personally witnessed the Jets win that game 90-0? Huh, smart guys? How could Chalamet’s pundit be wearing a “Jets Three-peat” T-shirt unless the Jets won the last three Super Bowls in a row? Answer that!
And don’t get Sportsmax started on basketball, as two Knicks fans blew the lid off not only the rumors that the Knicks have not produced (as the graphics state) “100 Years Of Nothing But Greatness,” but also that whole “Michael Jordan was the best player ever” hooey. (Random, extremely narrow sampling—the only true measure of any contest—states unequivocally that Lin-sanity never ended.) So gear up, true patriots (and not you fraudulent Patriots)—Newsmax will twist any reality into the comforting, placating fairyland of your white supremacist, internet-fed losers’ dreams.