The Travel Channel was once the TV world’s best outlet for shows about ranking waterslides and travelogues about foreign countries with weird food, but it’s hard to get today’s young people to pay attention to the world’s best waterslides when they’re so busy doing a Fortnite. So, the Travel Channel recently rebranded itself into “Trvl” (pronounced Ter-vall, we assume), and it’s celebrating the new identity with a batch of new shows that are less about taking trips to interesting waterslides and more about uncovering the hidden secrets that have shifted the very nature of our reality. In other words, Trvl is stepping further into the “ghosts and ancient aliens” flavor of non-fiction television.
The most interesting of these new shows, based on the name along, is Portals To Hell, a show about exactly what it sounds like, motherfuckers! HAIL SATAN! YEAH! Actually, it just another ghost show, with the eponymous portals to hell being more metaphorical than literal—as in, “this house is so spooky, it’s practically a portal to hell.” Unfortunately, Trvl isn’t actually dropping Andrew Zimmern into the underworld to see what kind of weird bugs they eat down there (though they probably do eat lots of weird bugs). Zimmern isn’t even involved, as the show actually stars “TV personality” Jack Osbourne and “paranormal researcher” Katrina Weidman.
Following Portals To Hell are America Unearthed and Mission Declassified, which both have boring names. A press release says the former is about exploring “a history of our country that we don’t know” (emphasis their’s) and the geologist trying find proof of what really happened. The other one is the same basic thing on a more global scale, but with an emphasis on “legendary and notorious mysteries” from throughout history. Neither of them are about going into hell, and none of these shows seem to involve even a single waterslide.
59 Comments
“TV personality” Jack OsbourneWell, Osbourne’s dad is the Prince of f*cking Darkness, so that should open some portals.
You’d think, but Ozzy has to make the hand sign and sacrifice a cat just like everyone else. All are equal in the eyes of Satan, who is The Devil.
Fresh from a hip rebrand, Travel Channel is going straight to hell Small world! I just got a new hip, too! It’s like coming back from Hell, and no longer aches when the temperature drops.Plus we’re doing all that, what do the kids these days call it, fucking again? Now it’s the wife that can barely walk!That last bit kills at the Nineteenth Hole. Literally. Sam Gromen’s funeral is on the 17th.
Your enthusiastic random spouting of nonsense is appreciated. +1 !
Ok pops, just have a seat over here and we’ll get ya a nice cup of Geritol.
Jesus fucking Christ the TRVL CHNL cancelled bizarre foods for this shit? No wonder basic cable is dying
Isn’t Portals To Hell what we call basic cable now?
The technical term, yes.
Portals To Hell should be the next Portal game.
I bet Travel channel gets annoyed about having to explain its personalized license plate to everyone.
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TeaRVioLentlyTRollVariousbLoggersiTaliaRomaVeniziamiLanoTRingVery(too)hardtobecLever
Every niche cable channel eventually reaches the maximum reach of their niche and their shithead shareholders demand growth that can only be achieved — maybe — but abandoning it.
It’s not necessarily over, though: The Sci-Fi Channel eventually came back from the brink, dumping the wrestling, etc. They didn’t go back to the proper spelling of the name, though …
I’m old enough to remember when the Learning Channel had shows about history and science, and Bravo tried to convince Americans to love opera.
I think they couldn’t trademark “Sci-Fi,” which would be a bit of an issue potentially.
SyFy has another problem, at least with me. They make no effort to accrue no goodwill from its potential viewers. They’ll start a show, let it have a wobbly first season, and just as it’s starting to find it’s way… cancelled. It happened to the halfway-decent X-Men ripoff, Alphas. And just last year to the Expanse.They’re like BET in that respect. They don’t seem to even want to enhance their reputation. Anybody that’s liking Deadly Class now, just watch their next move.
SyFy has canceled so many shows that I liked that at this point I don’t know why I keep watching it. MST3k reportedly was still doing well when it was canceled (and was exceedingly inexpensive to make) but it no longer fit with the “vision” the new CEO had for the network. Farscape was a great show that I hated to see go. Continuum. Helix. Being Human. Warehouse 13. Dominion. Defiance. And most recently: Dark Matter. When Killjoys wraps up later this year, there won’t be any shows left I actually like except The Magicians and I’m 2 seasons behind at this point.
Even BBC America, whose original purpose was to let ex-pats see British shows in the US and introduce British TV to America so we could make worse versions of the same shows, is mostly American movies, Star Trek, and bullshit shows now. I’m pretty sure the only British thing they show is Dr Who now. They should just change the name to Shitty TBS.
Basic cable sucks. You pay all that money and you still have to deal with commercials. It also has to many of the same shows repeating.
I totally miss Bizarre foods reruns and Bourdain reruns.. TRVl CHNL used to be my go to tv viewing, now its not even on my radar.
I didn’t even care about the food shows….they were still a departure from what the channel was supposed to be about. I would love to flip to a cable channel that always displayed beautiful and exotic locations, but no one’s done that for years.At least the Science Channel is somewhat still focused on science, but for how long?
Please don’t take the Lord’s name in vain and associate Him with words like that. You very well could have committed a mortal sin.
I used to watch a couple hours of Andrew Zimmern every week. And watch Man Vs. Food, for the very likely possibility that Casey Webb would have a stroke on the air. Meat sweats!Since they’ve become the fucking Groovy Ghoulies Channel, my viewing time there is now zero.
The fact that it’s not hosted by Henry “Hail Satan” Zebrowski is a bigger tragedy IMO.
Or young Hector Salamanca
Ghost shows are the best. You get to act like a scientist, but you don’t have to follow any method, and you can make up whatever you want! What are you going to do? Tell Bill Nye? Oooo…
IMO, the only places that have real, actual ghosts would be Holocaust concentration camps and Khmer Rouge killing fields, aka places that many ghost hunters won’t have the money, historical knowledge and cultural sensitivity to actually cover.
IMO, the only people who have any excuse for believing in real, actual ghosts are children.
I loved the rabbi’s line from “Russian Doll”: “Places aren’t haunted. People are.”
I was an associate producer doing research for a supernatural show and I have to say, it WAS the best.
I would think the jokes just write themselves unintentionally on those shows. The hobbit guy and his crew are non-stop unintentional hilarious.
Our program was slightly different in format, being more like “Unsolved Mysteries” without a host. But yeah, it was hard enough trying to pitch subjects even before their story involved the phrase “haunted taco stand”
Either that or the Disembodied Voice will haunt you nightly, repeating “Uh…Bill? Bill?” over and over until it drives you to madness.
Trvl is trrrbl. — C. Barkley
“Trvl” looks so fucking stupid. They should’ve gone in the opposite direction and added vowels. Tell me you wouldn’t watch the ever-loving shit out of “Traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel.”
They can go for the Japanese method of adding extra vowels (I.e “aisukurimu” for “ice cream”) and call it Turaberu.
I thought Portals to Hell would be a show about visiting scenic Michigan.
Joe Pera Talks with You about your attitude
My first thought.
Taking a page out of Syfy’s book it seems. TBH, this is inconceivable to 10 year old me but I don’t even watch TV anymore. Just the other week I realized it’s been about 4 months since I’ve last turned on my TV and Travel Channel used to be one of my most watched. Along with Discovery Channel before they became the “Naked and Afraid Channel”. Oh how I miss the old Mythbusters and Dirty Jobs days.
Trvl lks prtty shtty nw.
HEY! I’ve been to that gift shop. It’s in Hell in Grand Cayman! … which is not hell…
Have we learned nothing from SyFy?
Soon SyFy will be “PsyPhy”, then just a symbol ala Prince.
Hey Siffy and the Torvill Chunnal are just the first.Next up: Dick-scvry and —-Comedy—-
Wherever in the high desert Art Bell is after faking his death, he has to be jealous.
Ah, the twin evils format creep and tier pricing – i.e. why I haven’t forked over an ever-growing share of my meager disposable income to the cable company since the early 2000’s.
Please don’t make jokes about Hell, especially about devil worship by saying “Hai* Sata*” and such.
Please don’t make jokes about Hell, especially about devil worship by saying “Hai* Sata*” and such. I would say probably a venial sin, but what if it’s a mortal sin?
You’re in luck, because there’s no such thing as God or Satan, and if there is a Hell we’re already in it.
“Hey, it’s really not so bad down here” – Art Briles
DAAAAAAAAAAN! (beep) Those (beep) are the weekend (beep) observations.
The Travel Channel was my jam back in high school – Hong Kong Revealed, Tokyo Revealed, the early Bizarre Food specials, hotels, weird cabins, “zany” top 10 programs… I miss that shit.
As long as they don’t get rid of Ghost Adventures. Nothing like seeing a group of grown men scare themselves in the dark as they come up with increasingly stupid “explanations” for creaky houses and wind.
“Could these sounds be the dead girl using the well-known psychic energy properties of water and lead paint to come back to this dimension and haunt us? Or could it be a demon, impersonating the little dead girl using the well-known psy…OHMYGODBROWHATWASTHAT?”
Travel Channel used to be in heavy rotation in our house, but ever since they cut Andrew Zimmern we haven’t tuned in even once. How stupid must you be to remove the single personality pulling in nearly all of your viewers. Nice job morons.
“ghosts and ancient aliens” flavor of non-fiction television…..You’re saying a show about ancient aliens and ghosts is non-fiction? Out loud and in public? Really?
I read about half this article thinking, “Didn’t they already do this?” Then I realized I was thinking of Destination America.
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