Give this couple running a creepy doll adoption agency their own A&E show immediately
Aux Features Doll
The American economy is a rough one, and many of us are no stranger to odd jobs. That said, we’re not sure how desperate one must be to begin trafficking in creepy-ass dolls, at least half of whom are almost certainly possessed by evil spirits. But as Vice’s web series, Side Hustles, recently showcased, Brian and Sarah don’t appear to be in a particularly tough spot… yet the respective bartender and school psychologist have been willingly running Unsettling Toys, a “rehoming” business for terrifying dolls, for the past two years.
“We take creepy toys from people who don’t want them and we re-home them with families who really like creepy stuff,” explains Sarah, which makes it sound as simple and innocent as “a horrendous journey through the uncanny valley of misbegotten miniature toys” can be.
Prospective customers, take note: You can’t simply click and buy whichever uncanny nightmare creature scars your soul through your computer screen—this is an adoption agency, after all. Also, Brian and Sarah aren’t trying to have a repeat of a past experience, where a customer “became uncomfortable” about their recent purchase and attempted to burn it.
But, for those willing to court eternal damnation, this cheery, adorable couple appears more than happy to chat with you and show you their selection of offerings. Each doll’s adoption fee (including shipping, mind you) varies pretty widely, but after a quick perusal of the Unsettling Toys’ website, it seems like most fall within the $35 to $100 range. Sound steep? Don’t worry, Brian and Sarah always include a certificate of adoption and placement that is sealed with a wax signet.
“Everything’s got a story—people and dolls,” muses a very jovial Brian at one point, adding, “We’re only here in real bodies once, and I think if you find something you enjoy doing, I think you just have to give it a shot.”
Okay, you know what? We’re sold. Someone get Brian, Sarah, and their burgeoning Unsettling Toys empire a show on A&E immediately.
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16 Comments
do check their website – some of those dolls are quite unsettling!
um, no.
god hates a coward!
I’m afraid of clowns and sock puppets already: I don’t need to add or see creepy clowns!
what about sock puppets…of clowns????!!!!
I wet ‘em.
The only reason they’re still alive, is that all the curses on those various dolls cancel each other out. It’s the Three Stooges Effect meets Amityville Horror.
Nah, they’re the dolls’ loyal servants. No harm will come to them. As long as they follow the Precepts.
…aaand there go my nipples again!
…where?
Hey, quit stealing my pick-up lines!
A couple years, we renovated our house and the the workers found a 50-year-old doll in the attic. They just left it sitting in a corner after they found it. I moved it to another spot. They moved it a couple days later. So, back and forth we took turns moving our new mascot – above a doorway, on a cross beam, on the staircase. One day they spray painted her. It kind of pissed me off, but I think it added to her aura. When the house was completed, I put her under the landing of the stairs in an unfinished storage spot… and that’s where she remains, along with her own barbie doll. I see her ever few months when I get something out of there.
Justin McElroy is reading this and kicking himself right now.
The people who genuinely believe a doll can be haunted are kissing cousins to people who genuinely enter relationships with body pillows.
Boop boodoop boop boop boopdoop boopdoop boop boop boop boopdoop boopdoop boop
“Sometimes it’s hard to give them up. Like little Suzie, who we adopted out a few months back. For weeks I couldn’t even get to sleep without the sound of her whispering in ancient Aramaic.”