Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle brand, Goop, has a reputation for shilling snake oil and “wellness” practices—like “bee sting therapy”—that can literally kill you. So blatant is Goop’s hucksterism that a media watchdog group filed a formal complaint in 2017 with more than 50 examples of the company making “deceptive health and disease-treatment claims to promote products in violation of the law.” Last year, the company was forced to hire its first fact-checker, a demand Paltrow met with a weary sigh.
It’s exciting, then, to learn that Netflix is developing a Goop-centered project. A documentary series investigating its shady claims, perhaps? Exposés on its lineup of “experts”? Maybe a searing drama about those driven to bankruptcy and madness by so many useless healing stickers, sex powders, and vagina eggs?
Or how about a series made in conjunction with Goop, wherein Paltrow and her rich pals offer you advice on “issues relating to physical and spiritual wellness”? Because that’s what we’re getting. Variety reports that Netflix is partnering with Goop for a series of 30-minute episodes hosted by Paltrow and chief content officer Elise Loehnen, who will “utilize experts, doctors, and researchers” to convince you medicine is bad and $80 crystals are good. It premieres this fall.
But Goop isn’t content to just glom onto Netflix. It’s also seeping into Delta Airlines flights, where the company’s eponymous podcast will leak into your ears, its pastel tendrils unfurling down your throat and snarling around your heart. As activated charcoal drips from your every orifice, Paltrow and co. will be hard at work on more podcasts, as well as a food program and a book club. A frothing wave of glitter, Goop will eventually crash over us all, its contentment arriving only when every human is slicked in a translucent sheen of goat’s milk and honey mud.
61 Comments
I’m ok with this.Anything that separates vacuous stupid wealthy people from their money has my full support.
The trouble with people like Paltrow is they peddle $80 cures in a country where actual cures cost thousands and people regularly have to choose to forego treatment purely for financial reasons. I don’t care about rich people, but I do care if someone spends their last 80 bucks on a bottle of angel spit because Oprah had a “doctor” on the TV what said it can cure diabetes.
In principle, sure, except it’s not going to hurt stupid wealthy people, who even if they buy a bunch of stuff from Goop, won’t spend a fraction of their wealth on it. Who it hurts is undereducated folks who aren’t rich, who spend money they can’t really afford to be spending on this crap because the marketing has persuaded them it’s legit.
Stupid? Stupid?!! Would stupid people put rocks in their vaginas and cover it with bees?
Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it.
Are you kink-shaming me?
Or the dogs with bees in their mouth, so when they bark, they spit bees?
…what kind of rocks?
Did you see how many people Marie Kondo suckered when SHE got a Netflix series? A Goop show will destroy America.
No, this bullshit snake oil should not get a larger audience. Garbage like this needs to be marginalized, like the BS products Alex Jones shilled for.
The Galactic Order of Planets? No wait, it was DOoP…. move along!
I’m totally down for a Netflix show about vagina eggs. But it’s got to be a horror show where the eggs hatch into vaginas with fangs.
I think I saw that on Shudder last week…
VAGINA DENTATA!
Or a comedy, where a pair of mismatched vagina eggs end up sharing an apartment together!
Bee sting therapy is a real thing that provides real relief to some people. Of course probably a good idea to make sure you are not allergic first.
They should at least let us stream Contagion so people who don’t like Goop can instead just watch Paltrow die of MEV-1 on repeat.
I’ll charge my crystals in anticipation
You still have to charge your crystals manually?
I only do organic full moon charging. It takes longer but it’s better
Recent studies in Crystalline Redirection have shown a 20% reduction in the cancer neutralizing positrons when Full Moon luminaries are applied without first applying specially biodated re-hydrated essential oils. You may not know this, but most “essential oils” you buy from other places are not sourced from the Tropic of Capricorn. Oils from outside that zone do not have their lunar receptors activated, and are no better than vegetable oil. This is fine for arthritis or misaligned chakras, but if you plan to use those crystals to replace chemotherapy, you’ll need Goop Branded Essential Essential Oils. Only 48.85 an oz.
My brain hurts
You should try soaking your head in a combination of fresh egg, peppermint oil, activated pecans, and 15 ounces of Goop’s 8 Stage Head Realignment Lotion ($175 per gallon).
Activated pecans sound lovely
DO NOT EAT ACTIVATED PECANS!!!! Oh man,that was close…
Ah fuck I already did
If you can avoid digesting them you’ll be fine. It’s not the eating but the digesting that’s the problem
Try our new line of Goop Indisgestives!! 15.99 a dozen.
My crystal monger delivers charged free range crystals daily and attunes them to my chakras. I don’t know how I possibly survived before.
Will Annabelle Porter host it?
I don’t wish ill on anyone, but if Paltrow ends up getting cancer, it would be hypocritical of her to use convention treatments that actually have a good chance of getting rid of it.-d
I swear, if this ends up with me being convinced I need to shove polished rocks up my hooha after the recent Netflix price hike…
What if the rock was a Netflix remote? How about if also acted as a WiFi hotspot? What if it also performed as a combination Kegel machine-slash-Juicero?*
* /thunderous sound of a thousand venture capitalists descending on Silicon Valley
She’s gonna get someone killed one day.
Bee sting. Therapy.
I wish I could go back to a time before I knew that was a thing people did.
I hope her friend Ms. Bacon does a segment. She has many videos and I think she is the worst possible example of all this BS. If you dare:
By 1:35, she still hasn’t completed a thought.
I kept getting distracted. She does not have human speech patterns.
She sounds like someone who has “Influencer” in their title.
Nor by 2:25. I gave up there, but I have to admit, on some level, she’s hilarious. Maybe that’s what she was going for?
So, she’s the first person who ever tried to adult, and inventing a whole new social order in her head left her without much of a support system?Deep.
This video would be fucking perfect if, in the middle of her pissweak babble of mixed metaphors, non-sequiturs and solipsistic clichés, the camera began to pan slowly to the right . . . to where the monkey sits, playing those same five notes over and over on its harmonium.
This feels like a Portlandia sketch…
Made it all the way through and my takeaway eludes me. Something about sitting down with a baby? Sentences should have predicates!
I could tell almost immediately that this is a person who has never had to work a day in their life. It’s that very special kind of total solipsism and self-absorption that is only possible when one has absolutely no structure to their life, a rarefied state enjoyed only by the mentally ill or the idle rich.
Without a doubt.
What the hell is she even trying to say
Tony Stark returns to a post-Infinity War Earth:“Did Pepper survive the Snap?”
“No. I’m sorry Tony. But listen, we have a plan to reverse everything that monster did.”“……nah, I’m good.”
Netflix cancels Daredevil where I can sigh in contentment as Charlie Cox punches people in the face with a Goop show where I will probably want to punch Gwyneth Paltrow and everyone involved in the face (in an imaginary way). I am not allowed nice things.
On the plus side, as Marvel series Goop won’t survive past three seasons.
Will the show be bold enough to show Gwyneth shoving an egg up her vagina?
19/10 would watch
I’ve got an idea.. She could team up with Marie Kondo and then, instead of badgering me to throw out my own things, missy-neatness can spend all day throwing bottles of magic pixie dust extract in a dumpster.
Jesus Christ. I was afraid it was going to be this then relieved when I read the first paragraph and then pissed when it turned out I was correct.
Astrology, Goop, celebrity diet plans, make up influencers–thank you, white women.
Gwyneth for the next winter Olympics in a weird downhill slalom/Rollerball crossover.
We truly live in the stupidest timeline.
Huh. Every day I’m that much closer to snipping Netflix. It’s bizarre. I’ll buy Brooklyn 99 on DVD (NO BLURAY WHY) to make sure, and that’s probably that. Maybe after Bojack season 6 drops? Maybe not. There’s less and less I want to watch on it all the time.
Foop Goop.
Let’s say, hypothetically, that Gwyneth Paltrow wasn’t totally annoying. Let’s say she was an interesting actor. Let’s even say this idiotic bullshit company offered products that were something other than pure garbage.Letting all of that go, how in the ever-loving FUCK do you call this goddamned company “Goop”? And expect not to routinely get howled at? Fucking HOW????I hate this world.
Has anyone every asked Blythe Danner about Goop? She always seemed like such a nice and reasonable person that I can’t imagine her doing anything other than rolling her eyes and huffing a little bit.