We’d barely recovered from Gwyneth Paltrow’s Golden Globes dress last night only to get slammed by her latest venture today: The actor-turned-lifestyle-guru standing in front of a decidedly vaginal graphic announcing her new Netflix series, The Goop Lab (we refuse to bow to her lowercase title style). The graphic features the tagline “Reach new depths,” and we really couldn’t agree more.
But even that cursed image pales next to the trailer for her new series, which Netflix describes as “A curiosity-driven exploration of boundary-pushing wellness topics—brought to you by Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle site, goop.” We describe it as… a bunch of potentially harmful hooey promoting unproven, pseudoscientific claptrap, with an extremely liberal use of the word “lab.”
The trailer is apparently designed to leave Paltrow’s polished Oscar-winning persona behind, as she bookends the clip with swears, from asking a sexpert who says that “everybody gets off” in her workshops, “what the fuck are you doing to people?” to closing by saying “We’re here one time, one life, how can we really milk the shit out of this?”—hey, she said it, not us. In between, there are announcements of energy healing, psychedelics, cold therapy, psychic mediums, and of course, orgasms (“You want to talk about the vulva,” says the same sexpert—who doesn’t?). Someone even drops that they’ve had an exorcism. Because sure, those are real. (Don’t even talk to us about Evil, we are too afraid to watch.)
“What we try to do at Goop is explore ideas that are out there or too scary,” explains one of Paltrow’s minions, while other participants opine that the treatments that they’re trying are “Dangerous!” and “Unregulated!” as if those are good things. We would take a 15-minute meditation app over a Goop Lab episode in a heartbeat, as we found just the 73 seconds of the trailer to be excruciating. But if you want to spend part of your one time, one life watching it, The Goop Lab drops on Netflix on January 24.
72 Comments
God knows we could all stand to have our vulvas be a little more goopy.
Depths of shit, more like.Honestly I’ll probably cancel my Netflix subscription over this shit once BoJack ends. Cancelling shows I watch is one thing, but giving a massive platform to this idiot is too much.
So brave.
Thank you! I do brave things. Like schtupping your nan’s pooper, which no man has braved before.
Well it’s difficult, considering she no longer has a “pooper” to “schtup” on account of her death several years back, but knock yourself out cowboy. You seem to be a fan of pointless and self-harming actions taken to prove some non-existent point. Please, go fuck my dead grandma’s ass. That’ll show me about as much as your plan to cancel Netflix over a stupid Gwyneth Paltrow show that you (and I for that matter) would never click on anyways will show them.
Right, a pointless action: I don’t want to pay for a subscription service that a) cancels shows I actually watch and b) produces a show which serves to promote a harmful agenda, paid for in some small part with that subscription fee, so I decide to cancel it.Please, explain the self-harm in me saving money on a service I no longer want after it finishes up the last show I’m interested in, you pompous jack-off. Please, go fuck my dead grandma’s ass.Sure thing, but not because you asked me to do it.
I say “self-harming” in that you know that in six months or probably sooner, Netflix is going to have some show you’ll want to watch. Not like, actually self-harming, as digging up Gramma Tesse (they’re both dead, but trust me, you’re gonna want to go with Tesse) and trying to copulate with her coccyx, but the ‘you’ll probably end up regretting it’ self-harm. As in, you didn’t even need to make such a fuss and life would have gone on just as well. Cutting off your nose to spite your face kind of thing. Every tv channel, whether it is network, basic cable, premium cable, or in this case, a streaming service, will cancel shows you like (RIP Terriers). This is part of life (or has been since the invent of television, I suppose). Get over it. You don’t really care about shit like that, and if you do, you are a sad person. Also, a harmful agenda? It’s Gwyneth fucking Paltrow. Anyone stupid enough to listen to anything she or her paid-for buddies have to say deserves what they get. You want to rub jizz all over your pores? Great. Knock yourself out. My issue isn’t that you want to cancel Netflix because of a shitty Gwyneth Paltrow show, it’s that you announced it like you were actually doing anything. You’re not. You were fishing for stars, and congrats, nine others and counting were like “yeah! finally someone had to guts to say it!” You are the equivalent of those assholes who announce on Facebook how much they gave to charity last year. Could have just never said anything and been content. It’s never about what you’re doing, it’s about the fact that you are doing it. So yes, go fuck my dead grandma, you sanctimonious dipshit. I hope it hurts.
My issue isn’t that you want to cancel Netflix because of a shitty Gwyneth Paltrow show, it’s that you announced it like you were actually doing anything. You’re not. You were fishing for stars, and congrats, nine others and counting were like “yeah! finally someone had to guts to say it!”Glad you’re keeping score on those stars, because I really don’t give a shit. Half the time I can’t even check the notifications because Kinja breaks and doesn’t direct me to the right comment. But please, tell me how that’s actually not true and how now it’s easy for me to affect casual disinterest now that I’ve been called out or truly whatever. Make it a long one though, that’ll teach me. As in, you didn’t even need to make such a fuss and life would have gone on just as well. (…)Could have just never said anything and been content. Oh the sheer fuss of a three sentence-long comment on the internet. You post an armchair analysis of my psyche because I told you to fuck off over your equally pointless snark and you talk to me about making a fuss. I’m not gonna analyze your posts’ place in the AV Club comment section metagame through anything else than the fact that you’re an angry asshole. Unless it’s because you’re angry I resorted to insulting your grandma, which was uncalled for in hindsight – sorry, sincerely.
Nah.
Can I cancel the white house then?
I love how one of the catchphrases from the trailers is “It’s unregulated” and there are people out there who will think, “That’s for me!”
“The free market hasn’t destroyed these products yet, ergo they must work! Keep government regulated products out of my body!”
republicans?
“Hey, how would you like to try my proprietary Wellness Vibe treatment, where I run thousands of volts of electric current through you? It’s unregulated!”
I feel like there is a crossover here with those who love unregulation and sex therapy..‘Unregulators…Mount up.’
I’ve just now realized how shocking it is that Paltrow wasn’t implicated in NXIVM in any way, given how much sense that news would make.
Explain to me again why the slogan for Goop isn’t:What’s in your vagina?
Goop Labs? Is Gwyneth Paltrow Doctor Bunsen Honeydon’t?
Well, she says she will when she won’t, uh uh, Honeydon’t.
Up-voted for the Carl Perkins reference. GREAT song.
I was thinking it sounded like a thing at Nickelodeon studios.
GOOP is a lot like MAGA. Somehow it’s really popular and yet no one I know admits to liking it. Yet, statistically, some of my friends are GOOPING and MAGAing.
Or, god help us, MAGOOPing
Let’s be honest – MAGOOP is pretty much Ivanka’s 2024 platform.
MAGOOP: Make America Great, Or Ostensibly Passable.
NO.
This is the correct reaction
Ironically, I’m now starting to think Netflix shows oughtta be regulated.
The longer this goes on, the more I’m becoming convinced that Paltrow intended goop as a joke and then it took on a life of its own and she’s making a fuckton of money from it and doesn’t know how to stop.Either that or this is all somehow a thirty-five-year-long gag by Andy Kaufman
You’re giving a lot of credit to the wealthy asshole that thought it would be fun to “live as a poor person” for a week
I’m fine with all the overpriced tchotchkes and vacation ideas or even recipes. It’s the BS wellness stuff and tips for starving yourself that’s just not ok.
Well, now that you mention it, sources have been saying that Paltrow’s been asking a lot of her associates who this “Taylor Durden” person is. . .
Well, now that you mention it, sources have been saying that Paltrow’s been asking a lot of her associates who this “Taylor Durden” person is. . .
“I really thought I’d get a laugh out of ‘rocks you stick up your vagina’ at least.”
You’ve just described the origin of Scientology. The parallels are striking…
This is worth cancelling your Netflix subscription.
Swearing, “alternate” health track . . . I’m not sure this isn’t Scientology.
How many episodes in before the antivax stuff starts
I’m betting either as early as ep 2 or as late as when the screener episodes run out.
Measles is like nature’s ribbed for her pleasure.
Man I’m about to have dinner
15 minutes tops.
At least other people seem to find a super-wealthy Hollywood celebrity capitalizing on New Age hokum as odious as I do. #cancelGwynethPaltrow
srsly Netflix!? Wtf
This is a huge disappointment from Netflix; giving her company a larger platform is irresponsible.
Hopefully it will fade away soon. There can’t be all that many viewers who really want to listen to Gwyneth’s smug lockjaw.
Smug Lockjaw is my Wall of Voodoo cover band.
Star for obscure 80s band reference.
Well, I have been described as being on the far side of crazy.
But do you remain a mortal enemy of man?
No hundred dollar cure (from goop) will save me.And, the circle is complete.
Do you play anything besides Mexican Radio?
It won’t. Because Netflix’s business model is based on constantly pushing out new Content so viewers don’t get bored, it benefits to have this kind of low-budget (or profitable, of Goop’s paying them) programming that will attract a wide variety of eyeballs–and it’s not just Paltrow’s goons who will watch this, but I’ll bet it gets a good number of hatewatchers as well.
“We’re here one time, one life, how can we really milk the shit out of this?”
Well, we’ve found her epitaph.
Indeed. Because you have to reach new depths within the barrel in order to scrape the bottom of it.
“Hey Netflix, could you please save ?”
“Nah, we’re going to shill Gwyneth Paltrow’s luxury pseudoscience brand instead.”
“So we’re all agreed: ‘Reach new depths’ is a great tagline that no one could possibly interpret in a pejorative way? Fantastic! Slap it on a picture of me in front of the vag wall and let’s do this!”
This goop show looks terrible. She has sucked since Tennenbaums. Then married the Coldplay guy, on a roll of sucking.
I’ve defended Paltrow’s involvement in the MCU before, because I thought and still think that she’s great in those movies. But now I think I’m glad she won’t be doing any more after Endgame.(Although the MCU fanboy in me thinks it’d be great to see Pepper Potts-Stark show up again in Phase 4.)
Fuck that. She should’ve died in Iron Man 3. Only reason she was cast in the first IM movie is most likely because Marvel needed a name actor to offset RDJ’s unpredictability in a leading role. So just like everything else in her gold-plated, foofy little life, she fell headlong into it without trying.
Tuca & Bertie died for this. Shit ain’t right.
I’m cancelling my Netflix subscription the moment I get home.I absolutely, staunchly refuse to have any of my money going to a company that gives platform to something like this.
So Netflix is doing infomercials now…
I had no idea pseudoscience was done in a lab.
Technically, it’s a pseudolab.
Netflix invests in Snake Oil. Film at eleven.
Ready to reach new depths… of shallowness.
Netflix does infomercials now? What the hell is this? Maybe if it only airs during daytime on weekdays, or after 1am, I could somewhat tolerate it. But a full series? Hell no
I’d like to suggest that Netflix do a reality survival show where they strand all the Goop assholes and all the Magical Art of Tidying Up Epsilon Semi-Morons together on an island so we can watch them go full Lord of the Flies on each other.
I am going to not watch the shit out of this.
How funny would it be if Hassan Minaj did a take-down episode of this?