Gwyneth Paltrow to bring vagina egg expertise to Shark Tank
Part-time Oscar winner and full-time goop pusher, Gwyneth Paltrow, will sit opposite Mr. Wonderful for a guest spot in the Tank
Aux News Gwyneth Paltrow
A staple of hotel television viewing and an easy sell for when nothing else is on, Shark Tank is among the best shows to dip in and out of. Aspiring entrepreneurs come on the show and pitch “Mr. Wonderful” Kevin O’Leary on a knife that’s also a fork and he asks how you eat with it. Of course, the contestant doesn’t know, so Marc Cuban and Robert Herjavec put a 10% stake down because they think eating with a knife has potential. Who hasn’t seen someone eat an apple with a knife and thought, “Man, if I could do that, it would be so badass….”
But keeping a reality game show going for nearly 15 years needs more than stupid products and billionaires with money to burn. It needs guest stars, too. And who better to judge the supremely stupid ideas of everyday people than Gwyneth Paltrow, a millionaire with a penchant for supremely stupid ideas? The goop founder, CEO, and chief defender of such products as a jade vagina egg, a 24-karat gold dildo, and $120 disposable diapers known as [sigh] “The Diapér” will bring her knowledge of nonsense commerce to Shark Tank as a guest Shark for season 14. And who better to class up the Tank than a woman hocking pseudoscience to sad people with disposable incomes? Does anyone honestly think Daymond John can discern an authentic body vibes sticker from a forgery? This is why you must bring in your old pal Paltrow.
It’s nice to see Paltrow returning to her roots. In between appearing in MCU movies that she doesn’t remember, Paltrow starred in the inaugural Apple TV series Planet Of The Apps, an idea built off a name that someone at Apple must’ve thought was really clever. Unfortunately, no one else did, nor did they want to hear about app developers who could create the next great social network that steals your data as you doom scroll into oblivion.
The date for Paltrow’s dip in the Shark Tank has yet to be announced, but the new season kicks off this September.
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Meet The Diapér. Our new disposable diaper lined with virgin alpaca wool and fastened with amber gemstones, known for their ancient emotional-cleansing properties. Infused with a scent of jasmine and bergamot for a revitalized baby. Dropping tomorrow at 11a.m. EST at $120 for a pack of 12.That’s the real description. Everything on the Goop site reads like if someone was trying to write a parody of super rich, new age nutjobs but it actually fucking exists. Paltrow is a snake-oil salesmen, a charlatan, and it’s really fucking gross. Goop particularly separates itself from other bullshit “wellness” pedallers by marking up their ineffective crap hundreds of times of their actual cost, because the have rubes that think the brand matters. If you’re stupid enough to put rocks in your vagina you could’ve been, and still can, be doing that for a fraction of the cost. The vagina egg thing already existed. Note: do not put rocks in your vagina no matter how good a deal you get. The site also still says “doctor” all over it, whether it be stories or interviews, but they got wiser to not connect it to any particular product, in an attempt to avoid saying a product is making an evidenced medical claim.
Normally, I hate on snake oil salesmen, but in this case, I feel pretty good about Paltrow largely preying on other awful and wealthy people.
Not to defend Goop in any way, but the diaper is fake.
How about a more literal version of Shark Tank where Paltrow is simply fed to a tank of hungry sharks?