California meets its new overlord, a 500-pound bear called Hank The Tank
Hank The Tank has been breaking into homes, stealing food, and resisting all arrest attempts
Aux Features Bear
California has long anticipated the coming of Hank The Tank, a 500-pound black bear that’s begun making itself known as the true governor of the state by roaming around South Lake Tahoe and breaking into residents’ homes. For more than a century, the state’s flag has depicted a bear striding across a grassy landscape in a clear indication that an ursine ruler would one day come to claim its rightful titles and lands.
And now, with the arrival of Hank The Tank, that day is here.
The New York Times writes that King Henry Of California has been asserting his claim to the state since last summer. He’s broken into “more than two dozen homes to rummage for food” since July and was given his “Tank” title by locals for using “his size and strength to barge through garages, windows, and doors.” Hank, magnificent enough in stature to be the easy winner of an off-shoot Fat Bear Week 2022, has grown so big and mighty off the spoils of his campaign—eating so much delicious human-created trash and refusing to stop for winter hibernation—that he now easily outweighs other black bears from the region by hundreds of pounds. (The average weight of fellow bears in the region is about 100 to 300 pounds.)
California Department Of Fish And Wildlife spokesman Peter Tira said that Hank basically can’t be stopped by conventional means. Authorities have attempted to thwart his ambitions by “hazing” him “with paintballs, bean bags, sirens, and tasers” but he always returns because, as Tira puts it, “it’s easier to find leftover pizza than go in the forest.”
New approaches to capturing Hank are being considered. Many locals, having lived under Hank’s rule, want him to be taken to a sanctuary rather than allowing him to be killed, despite the fact that “all the sanctuaries are too full to take [him]” right now. Rather than endorse a lethal approach to this problem, though, a number of residents “want him to be treated with respect” and “are quick to point out that Hank is gentle and sweet.”
“He just sits there and eats,” one said when discussing Hank’s activities once he’s claimed a home for his own. “He doesn’t attack [people.] He doesn’t growl. He doesn’t make rude faces.”
[via Digg]
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44 Comments
California Department Of Fish And Wildlife spokesman Peter Tira said that Hank basically can’t be stopped by conventional means.
Easy for you to say.
“We’re here! We’re queer! We don’t want anymore bears!”
How about a beer?
I’m not paying for that.
I was thinking of this very thing! Also where is Homer in his beer fighting outfit!
Came for this. Will not leave disappointed.
Teh floof! Now, direct him to the Hype House so he can take out that subspecies of shite!
The people in the interview kept talking about “their neighborhood”. You’re the interlopers, folks….your houses were built in Hank’s neighborhood.
Unless Hank is immortal, I’m pretty sure the human neighborhood was there first.
Well, can you prove that Hank isn’t immortal?
This is the only Immortal Hank…Let us ‘Hey Now!’
Lenin’s big mistake was in giving rightful bear territory to the humans back in 1917.
Yes, this land belong to my ancestors!
I urinate in the river or your ancestors. And their dinner guests. A mighty stream. With so much firewater.
I peed on your car.
Yeah, it’s Hanks now.
I love my curvy bear.
He’s living his best life!
I suppose being clinically obese makes him perfect
I was thinking that they need to catch him, and maybe instead of a catch and release somewhere else in CA, that perhaps he should spend some time at a zoo (or a sanctuary, but not one of those Animal places like those featured in the Netflix Tiger King series, something more regulated and legit), where he will be on a feeding schedule and can shed some pounds. I feel that Hank can stand to lose at least 100-125lbs before he is released back in the wild.
It can’t be healthy for the poor dear to be lugging around that much extra body weight.
he definitely needs to hibernate to sleep off all that weight. Unfortunately, it’s gotten late in the season for that. Maybe put him on a bear treadmill?
…and the rising numbers of heart disease and hypertension in bears…
I’d wager that The Asylum Pictures has just green-lit a trilogy of films based on Hank The Tank.1) Hank The Tank – The Movie
2) Hank The Tank 2 – Beareckoning!3) Hank 3 – Bears vs Sharknado!All should be ready for release sometime around the end of March 2022.
Hank: A Bear Wars Story
Walter Matthau vs. The Bad News Hank
Planes, Trains, Automobiles and Hank
Are we sure he’s actually a bear?
That is one fat bear. I wonder if I could outrun that fat bear.
You don’t have to outrun the fat bear . . .
Depends on how much of a head start you have…. and if he’s feeling bloated from too much pizza…
Look at him! He’s never not feeling bloated! And yet the call of sweet sweet pizza is too much to resist and he continues to cram it into his bear face.
Not if I trip you 1st.
Probably not. Bears are typically faster sprinters than horses. Some have been clocked at 35 mph. Even Usain Bolt can’t hit that speed. Even at his fattest, Hank the Tank can probably still easily outrun a typical human.
Points for the Mondoshawan.
That’s one big boi! I suppose if I were busy scarfing down free food, I would forego hibernating too…
“it’s easier to find leftover pizza than go in the forest.” I mean, the man’s not lying. Goes for taking dumps, too.
“are quick to point out that Hank is gentle and sweet.” And when he develops a taste for man flesh, we’ll know where to start looking for victim zero.
Hopefully this movie ends with Hank winning the war of the city and then he wins the war to take over California! Wait this isn’t a movie?Shit, now I really want Hank to win!
The twist is that Hank already won – in the past. Time travel and weight loss figure heavily into how he ended up on the California flag.
It’s actually a grizzly on the flag, and they definitely lost, being that there aren’t any of them in California anymore.
“He just sits there and eats,” one said… “He doesn’t attack [people.] He doesn’t growl. He doesn’t make rude faces.”Oh wow! I made the news! Hi Mom!
“For more than a century, the state’s flag has depicted a bear striding across a grassy landscape in a clear indication that an ursine ruler would one day come to claim its rightful titles and lands.”With all due respect to Hank the Tank, Californians hunted the particular Grizzly bear subspecies shown on the flag into extinction before the flag was ever adopted. Allegedly, the flag bear is modeled after the stuffed California Grizzly, called “Monarch,” on display at the Cal Academy of Science in San Francisco.
He’s big, he comes over unannounced, he breaks shit, he eats all the leftovers…I think I went to college with Hank.
For those who are #TeamHank, some swag: everpress.com/hankthetank
Fortunately, there’s a documentary on this very subject. We just need a shark.
They’ve tried everything, but I don’t see tranquilizer darts in the list.