Chess Grandmaster accused of using anal beads to cheat receives offer to clear his name by playing nude
A webcam site has offered to help Hans Niemann refute cheating allegations through a naked livestream
Aux Features Chess
A chess Grandmaster has been accused of using signals sent by wireless anal beads to cheat his way to success. This is the basis of a developing story that is almost definitely a lie made up to explain away a massive tournament upset, but it’s one that’s captured the public’s imagination to the point that, like anything to do with famous people putting things in their asses, will not go away until definitively disproved.
Well, this opportunity has now been provided to the Grandmaster in question, a 19-year-old American named Hans Niemann, thanks to a cam site’s offer to host a match played by him entirely in the nude.
As Vice’s Jules Roscoe writes, cam site Stripchat “says it sent a letter to Niemann congratulating him on his victory, and extending sympathies” for his having been accused of cheating with vibrating anal beads. The site also offered Niemann $1 million to star in a nude, live-streamed game that would clear this whole thing up.
As a bit of background for how we got here, the cheating allegations cropped up after Niemann beat World Champion Magnus Carlsen at the Sinquefield Cup early last week, leading Carlsen to withdraw from the tournament with a tweet that cast aspersions on his competitor. Niemann has admitted to cheating on Chess.com when he was 12 and this, combined with him being a younger, less established player, helped lead to a flurry of theories that he, as Vice details, studied a leak of “Carlsen’s prep work for the tournament.” Another theory offered by Reddit user u/nicbentulan, covered at length by Kotaku’s Ethan Gach, is that Niemann stole a vibrating, wireless anal bead system powered by an advanced AI from Carlsen and used it to win.
This is, very obviously, a joke, but one whose ingenuity has caused it to spread beyond the chess world so far into the internet at large that cam sites now want to get in on the action.
So, the Stripchat offer. Aside from the obvious self-promo opportunity that the cam site spotted in a story of butt-related scandals, the site’s decision to make the live-stream offer was helped along by the fact that Niemann defended himself from cheating allegations earlier this month by telling an interviewer, “If they [his accusers] want me to strip fully naked, I will do it.”
“Prove the haters wrong once and for all,” Stripchat writes in its public letter to Niemann. “Strip naked and play a game of chess live … in return for up to $1 million.”
Niemann hasn’t publicly responded to the offer yet. Whether that’s because he doesn’t want to get naked on the internet or because he knows that the accusation won’t necessarily be cleared up without Stripchat using extremely invasive camera angles, we don’t know.
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36 Comments
At this point the dude should lean in to the whole thing and start hawking a line of vibrating anal beads.
They couldn’t get Anya Taylor-Joy for this?
He just pulled this one out of his ass?
I’m no Grandmaster, but how do you cheat at chess? This ain’t poker. It’s not like the opponent’s moves are hidden. If the person sending him butt signals knows all the right moves, why don’t they just play?
Because that person has been disqualified from competition because of a -devious cheating scandal.Or the world thinks they’re dead, and this all part of some elaborate revenge scheme.Or they’re embarrassed by their huge nose.Or it’s a reptilian space alien.So many logical possibilities.
The person sending signals could get them from a computer program. And these days computers can usually beat even the best grandmasters.
Check. Mate.
This is, very obviously, a jokeThat’s an odd way to spell “shameless publicity grab.”
Chess doesn’t get the big sponsors like Nike or Under Armour.
Well, that’s about to change, thanks to What What’s Deluxe Vibrating Anal Beads, now pre-programmed with the Luzhin Defense!
Is that Billy Joel? That looks like Billy Joel.
I can see that too, but my first thought was Bud Cort.
[Insert appropriate CASINO quote here.]
Not outraged. Sorry.
…and then Jimmy Kimmel came out and just laid there in front of the chess board.
Hell they can live-stream my ass nude for $10k.
they can live-stream my ass nude
I think it would be funnier if your ass was wearing clothes
Just watched that new pinocchio movie last night. That pic is wayyy too soon.
Thanks. We’ll keep it in mind.
I personally think it’s an idea we can all get behind.
Cracking! Absolutely cracking!
They’re anal beads, not nipple clamps. He’s have to play with a prolapsed anus, which is completely fair.
The Astros are kicking themselves right now.ANAL BEADS!!! They never would’ve caught us if we’d used anal beads. Whose stupid idea was wearing buzzers under our jerseys and banging garbage cans when vibrating anal beads were there the whole time?
You’d think a team called “The Astros” would have thought of every possible anal-related strategy.
Wait. Was Astroglide originally developed to lubricate climate-controlled buttholes in the Astrodome?
Yeah, I’m pretty sure.
That’s interesting! I never knew it was like a Gatorade situation.
Why do you think the Wichita State Shockers have the highest Division I record in college baseball history?
I assumed it was their strategy where two players run up the front and one up the rear.
So Chess has gotten stupid now too?-An Anonymous Nerd
This article should be filed under the “Sphincter Files” tab…so install one pronto, AVC
My favourite bit about this whole thing, besides it being absolutely totally invented, is that nobody has stopped to consider the, um, prostate-stimulatory, ejaculatory risks involved in transmitting signals via that, ahem, channel.I “If I can just make sure not to cum everywhere, I’ll win the chess tournament!” is a very peculiar thought, but it’s one which must necessarily have occurred somewhere up the line, were this story true.
I hope this ends up being the textbook example of Occam’s Razor in action.
“Another theory…is that Niemann stole a vibrating, wireless anal bead system powered by an advanced AI from Carlsen and used it to win.”Wait. Why would *Carlsen* have that? Double scandal!