In these tough times fraught with toilet paper shortages and democratic primaries and the corporate monetization and neutering of furry culture for entertainment, sometimes having a good laugh can feel like a luxury. Today’s generous allotment of humor comes to us from HBO Max, which has given the green light to an eight-episode docuseries about Mark Wahlberg, produced by and starring Mark Wahlberg. Oh, yes, the punchline: It’s called Wahl Street. In a synopsis that veers right over the uncanny precipice and straight into the canyons of self-parody, Wahl Street (like… wow) is described by the official press release as follows:
HBO Max announced today an 8-episode series order for WAHL STREET, a new premium documentary series that offers fans a glimpse into global star Mark Wahlberg’s life as he juggles the demands of a rigorous film schedule coupled with an ever-growing network of diverse businesses. Along the way, viewers will learn about his successes and failures and glean powerful business and life lessons while also getting to know the cast of colorful characters that make up Wahlberg’s real-life entourage.
But wait, there’s more—this isn’t just a docuseries about Mark Wahlberg’s life and how he artfully juggles being Mark Wahlberg while also being a Mark Wahlberg. It’s also a Shark Tank-style series in which aspiring Mark Wahlbergs can pitch their ideas to Mark Wahlberg. We feel it’s only right to respond to this news in a language it might understand, so: Talk about a multi-level marketing scam, RIGHT?
Each episode of WAHL STREET will follow Wahlberg as he navigates his expansive business portfolio, spanning all sectors of commerce ranging from a line of activewear, all-natural, high-performance sports nutrition supplements, television and film production companies, and even a Chevrolet dealership. Each episode will include a diverse group of entrepreneurs and inventors pitching Wahlberg a litany of new opportunities, eager to have Wahlberg endorse or invest in their ideas.
Coming soon to a once-vibrant and now heavily-gentrified area of town near you: Wahlmart. Okay, we’re done.
16 Comments
It was actually a guy nicknamed HBO Max who approved Wahl Street, and he was superhigh at the time.Also, HBO Max gave himself that nickname, and he was superhigh at the time.
To be fair, his name is Horace Bradshaw Oswald Maximillian Fairchild IV, so the nickname made a fair amount of sense. He’s the heir to a multinational mining concern and has never personally tied a shoelace.
Can’t he like maybe make Ted 3 instead?
Could we instead have a docuseries about one of the thousands of actors who didn’t beat a guy blind and then brag about it?
There are precious few things I’d watch eight of that involve Wahlberg. A Ted miniseries. Seven sequels to The Other Guys (only if Will Ferrell remained involved). Maybe a tumble down eight flights of stairs.
Hey, now; there’s more to him than just shouting racial slurs and assaulting Vietnamese men: he also shouted racial slurs and hurled rocks at black schoolchildren.
“Each week we highlight a different celebrity who didn’t commit a horrifically violent hate-crime and discuss their journey. At the end of the episode, we turn to Wahlberg, who has been watching with us, and say, ‘You see, Mark? See how easy it is?’”
I swear to christ, if you ever come to Los Angeles, let me know, because I have to buy you at least several beers.
It’s unfortunate that he has an audience and is somehow bankable.
This really confirms the gulf of quality between HBO and HBO Max. Yikes.
Of course HBO is giving Mark Wahlberg scads of cash to make another series. They want lightning to strike twice. They want another Entourage.
The show writes itself:
Episode 1: Waking up, Prayer time, Breakfast
Episode 2: Workout
Episode 3: Meal, Shower, Golf
Episode 4: Snack
Episode 5: Cryo chamber, Snack Again
Episode 6: Family Time / Work Calls, Lunch
Episode 7: Meetings, Pick up kids @ school, Snack More
Episode 8: Workout, Shower, Dinner
POW!
Talk about your plot against America…
Here’s the thing about it: there’s nothing particularly endearing about him. He’s the 5’4 version of The Rock in every movie he plays. The two best movies he was ever in are Boogie Nights (a fluke where he wasn’t a total loss but he stupidly disowned because Jesus) and The Departed (where he benefitted from everybody else cancelling each other out, and he snagged the lone acting nomination for basically playing who he wants us to think he is all the time anyways). I don’t care that he fucking freezes his nuts before sunrise every day so he can crank out another shit movie with the nuance of a fucking bowl of diarrhea. Enough with the Wahlnaissance. Anybody who says in front of people they could have stopped 9-11 in its tracks is clinically insane and needs to be stoneWahled.
“Hey, America, ever wonder how Mark Wahlberg possibly lives with himself? Now you get to find out!”