Hotel Cocaine review: This show is as dumb as its title

The title is so stupid that it feels like, if you were encouraging a friend to watch, you’d have to start off by saying “Hotel Cocaine is actually good.” That is, if it actually was good, but don’t worry: You won’t have to defend it like that. The show, which premieres June 16 on MGM+, is, in fact, pretty bad. It’s the kind of thing you could probably watch and enjoy just fine if you yourself were on cocaine. We’re confident that you wouldn’t miss much plot-wise through your frenzied high, and you’d likely maintain a pretty good grip on who these characters are as well. So let’s get to those guys.

First, we have our protagonist and narrator Roman Compte (Danny Pino), general manager of the very famous Mutiny Club and Hotel. (As sensationalized and made-up as all of this may seem, simply because we’ve seen Miami drug tales one hundred thousand times at this point, we have to note that both the club and Compte were real.) He may seem like a very nice boy, good at his job and a devoted dad to boot, but as a DEA agent approaches Compte, determined to nab Nestor Cabal (Yul Vasquez) who happens to be both Roman’s estranged brother and the main cocaine trafficker in Miami, things get a bit messy for this man. (They threaten his kid, for one thing.)

Next, we have his boss Burton Greenberg (Mark Feuerstein), owner of the Mutiny, with stodgy Republican rich guys for family members who really harsh his mellow and could cause trouble for him if they find out he forged their names when purchasing his special hotel. There are Colombian and Haitian druglords as well—corrupt businessmen, politicians, and the like—plus we meet the Mutiny Girls and other women sometimes. These are the main players in this drama, but some other notable guests poke their little heads out as well.

In its first episode, the show works hard to establish just how flashy and full of famous people this hotel was in its heyday. The name drops are silly and unceasing (“That’s Liza Minnelli!” “Is that John Lennon?”) There’s a John Bonham nod that’s especially ridiculous. Mr. Bonham is supposed to be on tour, Roman reminds him. But with such hot babes at this damn club, he says, “Zeppelin can wait.” (Oh! He’s John Bonham from Led Zeppelin! Now we understand.) Hunter S. Thompson shows up to do some of Jerry Garcia’s drugs with Greenberg in his David Bowie-themed hotel room. Rick James pops in. Watching Hotel Cocaine can feel, at times, like a hotel listing its amenities. They spell out plenty of plot points for us, too. As evidenced by that spicy title we mentioned earlier, HC is not by any means a subtle show. We know exactly what we’re getting—and we’re getting a lot of it.

While the series may be based on real people and a real place, we sure don’t feel like we’re learning anything here. Instead, the sensation is more like soaking in the trope-y riches of crime thrillers, with a head-dunking interrogation, cars blowing up, and all the rest of it. For fans of romance, there’s even a plotline featuring star-crossed young lovers. (There’s also sex for no reason, if you like that sort of thing.) Early on, hotel owner party boy Burton makes the case for escapism, and it feels like the true thesis of the show. In a world of racism, poverty, and sadness, we need to make space for frivolity, or so he claims. Operating this club is Greenberg’s do-gooder mission: to bring people together for the sake of a good time. The thing is, there’s already plenty like this out there for audiences eager for this brand of escape.

Overall, the show is thrilling in a way that may be comforting for fans of the genre, and the dialogue can veer into so bad it’s good (or at least kind of funny) territory. It’s a bummer, then, that Compte, the center of the series, sure doesn’t feel like an actual person. But maybe that’s only a problem if you’re watching something like Hotel Cocaine for the verisimilitude. Or if you’re watching it sober.

Hotel Cocaine premieres June 16 on MGM+