Just Break Up suggests that, actually, you never have to stay friends with your ex
Aux Features PodmassAunty Donna Podcast
Writing A Hit Song For The Hottest 100 (Part 1 & 2)
Over the past year, absurdist Australian sketch comedy group Aunty Donna has focused more and more of its comedic efforts on music. The group’s ever-growing YouTube channel is peppered with surprisingly catchy joke songs, and it recently completed a tour of its 2018 musical comedy album. So it’s no surprise that this multi-part podcast saga in which the group members write a hit pop song on the fly is an absolute winner. As with all episodes of the Aunty Donna podcast, the boys begin with a loose idea of what they want to do and then rely on their improv skills to flesh things out. This time, they’ve got the added musical talents of their sound designer, Tom Armstrong, who has the uncanny ability to turn their most batshit ideas into reality. This track has everything you would want in a pop hit: bad raps, license-free calliope music, and, of course, audio from a speech by Joseph Stalin. Even after all that, the boys insist they’re only about 20 percent done and hinted at a forthcoming part three. We’re struggling to imagine how they’ll improve on perfection, but we’re excited to hear the results. [Dan Neilan]
Doughboys Double
The Wonderful World Of Water With Dave Theune
Hosts Nick Wiger and Mike “The Spoonman” Mitchell give themselves plenty of shit this week for choosing a nearly self-parody-level taste test topic in this Patreon-exclusive rank and review episode, which Mitchell notes was recorded “inside the belly” of the shark their show is jumping over. As per usual, all the self-deprecation is for naught: It turns out that bottled water is the exact sort of ubiquitous foodstuff that’s fun to argue over precisely because no one thinks they care strongly about it, at least until they’re presented with a gross-tasting Dasani. After some sports talk and reminiscing about filming a Tom Brady–starring Funny Or Die spot alongside Mike, comedian/Doughboys Double nonsubscriber Dave Theune tastes and reviews plain water brands in the order of least to most douchey, including tap, home delivery Sparkletts, bulk grocery store staples, “smart” waters, and the sort of full-blown “fuck you” brands you’d expect to see “at a meeting at Michael Bay’s production company” (i.e., Voss). The consensus is that Los Angeles tap water and inexpensive Arrowhead bottles hold their own against the gaudier Fiji and Lifewtr brands. The worst of the bunch? The inky, gimmicky blk. [Dan Jakes]
James Bonding
Season 3 Fantasy Bond Draft (w/James Bladon, Mark McConville)
Matt Mira and Matt Gourley’s all-things-007 podcast admittedly runs on a more finite resource than other commentary shows that have the benefit of breaking down long-running television series or entire film genres. Now 87 episodes into a podcast dedicated to a franchise composed of only 26 movies, James Bonding has evolved into a sort of spiritual sibling with The Worst Idea Of All Time, wherein the comedian hosts pick up on minutiae with each subsequent viewing that they might have missed during the first or second round—for example, Mira gets irked by how wacky and overwrought the poker game is in Casino Royale. To kick off the podcast’s third season, James Bladon and Mark McConville join the Matts for a football-style snake fantasy Bond draft. Similar to those moments when the hosts break form and talk about peripherally related topics like Austin Powers, this week’s deviation from straight-up commentary is a real pleasure that results in some very watchable (if metaphysically impossible) Bond franken-films like Everything Or Nothing and You Only Live And Let Die Twice. [Dan Jakes]
Just Break Up
You Don’t Have To Be Friends With Your Exes
Two millennial English majors with zero therapy credentials host a tough-love relationship podcast guided by the North Star of boundary setting. To them, you owe other people nothing, having compassion doesn’t necessitate self-erasure, and ghosting gets a bad rap. People write from as far off as Finland asking for guidance on all sorts of thorny romantic entanglements. Today’s batch mostly concerns ex-lovers, from the hostile to the groveling to those who are attached to your current partner and refuse to let go. As those who believe that society vastly over-romanticizes the notion of staying friends with exes, the hosts’ first instinct is just to never speak with exes again unless there is a compelling reason to (i.e., children). Those forced to socialize with former flames are best served by acting “cheerful and stupid”—outwardly positive and unfazed by any cryptic slights. Vent later if you must, but don’t give the S.O.B.s the satisfaction of seeing it. And when it comes to agonizing over whether to make a partner an ex, we’re reminded that even the best versions of ourselves hurt other people, so do what you gotta do with zero regrets. [Zach Brooke]
Strong Black Legends
Ruth Carter
The idea behind the Netflix podcast Strong Black Legends is simple but intriguing: Tracy Clayton (formerly of BuzzFeed’s Another Round) sits down with a black artist who has helped shape culture as we currently understand it. Last week, it was character actor Lynn Whitfield. Next week, it’s SNL founding member Garrett Morris. This week, it’s Ruth Carter. She’s one of Hollywood’s most influential costume designers and a three-time Oscar nominee—this year for her contributions to Marvel’s Black Panther. She’s also an extremely gracious and centered interviewee whom it’s nearly impossible not to immediately like. And she is just full of stories, like the time she walked into Angela Bassett’s trailer to find the What’s Love Got To Do With It star having her hair done by Tina Turner. Interesting as Carter is, Clayton deserves a lot of credit for keeping the conversation moving so smoothly. Buy stock in this podcast now. [Dennis DiClaudio]
The Profess-Hers Podcast
The Trouble With Tropes
If you watch a movie with one fucked-up female character, you’ve watched one movie. If you run into the same exact character over the course of several movies, you’re witnessing a trope. Whether it’s because of lazy, or harried, or singularly male writers, these monolithic depictions can warp cultural assumptions about women. College professors Misty Wilson-Mehrtens and Allegra Davis Hanna cast a critical eye on women in refrigerators, crazy ex-girlfriends, harping wives, bland happy housewives, and other tropes stripped of personhood for cheap laughs or male-driven plot points. It’s not that these people don’t exist in the real world; it’s that any real people who resemble the trope are far more complex and capable of change. While we’re at it, tropes themselves aren’t static—the “Old Maid,” for instance, was phased out as Americans began to marry later in life—but that doesn’t mean they aren’t powerful themes that reinforce negative biases. The whole episode includes plenty of examples of hit TV shows guilty of trope-trawling, but tries to end positively by listing a few that defy stock depictions of their lead female characters. [Zach Brooke]
The Shining 2:37
DANNYYY!!! With Dan Lloyd, “Danny” From The Shining
In each episode of The Shining 2:37, host Suzen Tekla Kruglnska investigates, in order, two minutes and 37 seconds of Stanley Kubrick’s iconic 1980 film The Shining. The 2:37 of this episode encapsulates the sequence that starts with Jack Nicholson’s character, Jack Torrance, chasing his son, Danny (played by Dan Lloyd), into a snowy maze. As ever, Kruglnska is joined by a guest, but significantly, this week’s guest is none other than Dan Lloyd himself. Lloyd, now in his mid-40s, has a wealth of stories from his time as a 5-year-old actor on the set of one of the most legendary movies in the horror canon. It’s fascinating to hear Lloyd reflect on having lunch with Nicholson, swimming in Shelley Duvall’s pool, and playing catch with Stanley Kubrick. Kruglnska’s love for her subject matter is clear, from her ongoing dedication to the podcast’s concept to her in-depth conversations with her guests and extensive background knowledge of the film’s production. The Shining 2:37 is a must-listen for die-hard fans of Kubrick’s infamous Stephen King adaptation. [Jose Nateras]
The Worst Idea Of All Time
Outside The Lines (w/Amy Hoggart)
For four seasons now, listeners have enjoyed hearing hosts Tim Batt and Guy Montgomery slowly lose their minds while watching the same bad movie every week for a year. Having completed 52 watches of Grown Ups 2, Sex And The City 2, and We Are Your Friends, the comedians have returned this season for a yearlong slog through the original two-and-a-half-hour Sex And The City film. They’re currently just over 15 watches in and already starting to come apart at the seams, which is why it’s good they have a guest on this week to experience this nightmare through fresh eyes. Full Frontal With Samantha Bee correspondent Amy Hoggart has only seen the movie twice, but she still has plenty of thoughts, questions, and concerns, most of which pertain to Carrie’s confounding allusions to her and Mr. Big’s sex life. She also offers some sharp criticism of the film, which unfortunately evolved from a TV series highlighting the importance of female friendships into a movie about four selfish women who happen to eat lunch together. [Dan Neilan]
128 Comments
Nice to see Aunty Donna get some love. Been a fan of their work for years but the podcast is increasingly their best part just for sheer insanity and hilarity.The latest episode of the music saga, where they add Stalin speeches, is just brilliant, though older stuff like the Don Meij/Dominos Pizza saga is classic as well.
Has anyone given the Ron Burgundy Podcast a listen? I loved the first episode, in which Ron thinks that a “true crime” podcast is just describing some crimes that have already been solved.Eps 2 and 3 were just okay in my book.I’ve been enjoying “Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend” too.
The Conan episode with David Sedaris was really good.
I mean, I hate being one of those people that reacts to a piece of media without experiencing it myself, but that Just Break Up podcast sounds like it’s run by toxic narcissists.Yeah, some people have bad exes. But if someone tells me they’re not friends with – any- of their exes, I tend to think there’s something up with them. You should be dating people because you like them as people – if every ex becomes a persona non grata afterwards, either a) you’re dating wrong, b) you have shit judgment, or c) you’re the problem. Signed – someone friends with all but one of their exes.
Yeah, I haven’t listened for context, but the idea that “you owe other people nothing” seems nihilistic to a degree that I don’t want to hear what they think about anything else.
It seems to pretty fundamentally miss the point of love and companionship, it just feels like a very gross, mercurial, capitalist idea of what a relationship is.
Becoming a fully atomized subject of capital is self-care. All human relationships are transactional, so don’t perform the emotional labor of being even minimally civil unless they Venmo you first. Don’t look up Hochschild’s original definition of “emotional labor,” use the internet’s definition (any action that makes you feel anything other than euphoria).
Sure, but the human mind can physically/biologically only hold so many connections at the same time, and if you’re expending effort on keeping people from the past in your mind, you literally are not leaving room for people in the present.
Not saying you have to cut people off the minute they leave your sight, but overly romanticizing the idea of maintaining attachments from the past can indeed be dangerous and ironically isolating, and not just for those predisposed to finding unhealthy ones.
Essentially, taking the Kondo approach to one’s relationships (“does this person spark joy?”) isn’t callous, but can be healthy and freeing. Especially if, outside your brain, the relationship really only exists as a Facebook message every few months.
“you owe other people nothing” this is not wrong.
Question: is your room entirely covered in Heath Ledger Joker posters, or are there a few Tyler Durden ones mixed in?
what?
But you do owe other people nothing, and imaginary friendship debt is not the basis for any lasting human relationshipIn reality, people form and keep friendships because they selfishly get something out of it: good company, support, intellectual stimulation, or maybe even something more pecuniary (“they keep inviting me to St. Barths on their jet”). But if your friendship becomes a drain on time and energy, and the balance of enjoyment you get from it is negative, you should cut it
This is a “capitalistic” view of friendship, but it’s the model for how relationships work in the real world
Meh. Half of my exes are exes because one or both of us moved away for a job. I’m not staying friends with an ex who moved across the country just so I can go on the internet and brag to strangers that I’m still friends with my exes.A couple of exes stopped be my gf because I found out that they were not nice people. For example, found out one sabatoges co-workers. Why remain friends with someone like that? Why remain friends with someone who cheated on you? Or someone who is the kind of person who would LOVE this podcast? If my reasons for no longer dating someone are “they treat me and others poorly”… why exactly is remaining friends necessary?While I agree the podcast sounds pretty terrible – ie permission for shitty people to be shitty. I’ve never gotten the obsession with remaining friends with exes. I don’t remain friends with MOST people who have come into my life for a period of time. Why should exes have a higher friendship-retention rate than any other co-worker, hobby friend, etc?I suspect a lot of this might have something to do with introvert/extrovert. I’m the former. I don’t need a lot of people in my life. I want people that I know I can trust and be myself around. Rare to find an ex that fits this.
Sounds like you don’t really do “friendship” too intensely. Which, like, is very different than how I personally engage with the concept, but whatever works for you. I’m not saying I get together to play board games with all of my exes every week, but if one of them is gonna be in town visiting we’ll grab dinner and catch up, or they can crash on my couch. They enter the same comfortable zone of “I’m fond of this person, they were very important to my life at one point, I’ll do right by them if they need me” that many former coworkers, school chums, hobby-sharers etc fulfill. Why would I stop liking someone just because we’re not romantic now? They didn’t change (usually), the context of our relationship did.
You’re right. The difference is I’m worse at friendship than you. lol
“I’m not saying I get together to play board games with all of my exes every week”YEAH NIGGA THAT RIGHT THERE DISQUALIFIES YOU FROM HAVING ANY MATURE OPINION ON DIS PIECE. NIGGA, GET BACK TO PLAYING CARACSONNE.
I’m not saying I get together to play board games with all of my exes every week, but if one of them is gonna be in town visiting we’ll grab dinner and catch up, or they can crash on my couch.I would consider seeing someone often weekly/monthly a friend. I would not consider dinner when they’re in town a meaningful friendship, even while extending the same invitation to exes myself.Seems like, rather than more intense friendships, you have a low bar for what a friend is.
You sound awesome and, if I may convey this in the least weird way possible, it sounds like it would be lovely to be your ex.Also, you’re absolutely right. That podcast sounds like it’s by and for people with textbook attachment issues. They had a traumatic relationship to their primary caregivers as kids, and it taught them all they’re able to understand about intimacy. Completely toxic.
I think there’s a gap between “friendly” and “friends.”
I can have a pleasant conversation with an ex if I so happen to run into her but part of being broken up is that this is a person whom I’m not actively keeping up with. Maybe that’s just me, but its difficult enough to keep track of people who are active in my life.
Dating does add an emotional element and sometimes that can cause stress to encounters. So I can’t fault anyone for wanting to allow a part of their experience to pass into memory.
I am friendly with some of my ex-es, but you seem to embody the other extreme, Tsume, which is you’re so PROUD that you are friends with your exes and you can’t imagine why people wouldn’t be – because something must be WRONG with them.
Some people we date turn out to be not nice people, some people it works for awhile but we grow apart, some people we still have feelings for and it’s just too darn awkward to be around each other, and some we settle into a nice friendly place. I’m okay with anyone making those choices based on the individual circumstances and not telling them they do “friendship” wrong.
Circumstances matter! But anyone who has a hard/fast rule that they cut their exes out of their life, tells me that everyone they’ve ever dated has been a jerk/liar/crazy person, or gives the advice that you suddenly start owing people nothing just because you dated – yeah, I generally assume there’s something wrong with them. Like, I don’t hang out with every dude I’ve ever dated, that would be wild, but I think of them most of them fondly enough and would consider them a distant friend, like somone I went to college with or used to work with. I’ve never had to change my number, or leave a party because mutual invited someone I’ve dated. Because generally speaking I make sure I actually like someone before we’re in a relationship. I recognize that I’m lucky, that I haven’t hit any of those cruel, destructive outliers that some people do, but if ALL of your exes are those outliers, what’s the common denominator there?
I love that so many of the people they dated ‘turned out to be bad people’. Maybe I’ve got a good bullshit detector, or maybe I’ve been lucky, but I don’t cheat and so far as I know have never been cheated on. No one I’ve dated has ‘turned out to be a bad person’, some have had damage or just ways about them that led to conflicts or they had expectations I couldn’t or wouldn’t meet, but nah. None of them were assholes.
Then again, I’ve had six serious relationships and I’m 35. Almost like you’ve got to limit the pool of people and stick by the standards you set for yourself if you don’t want to date shitheads.
It’s almost like you get what you value, and for me it’s a decent person. Friends with most exes, but on the acquaintance level of, occasionally send them a text or email if I see something that is precisely ‘them’ or it’s their birthday or something. Maybe once a month. Couple months into a relationship and you (had better) know the person you’re dating as well or better than your best bro-friend (women probably go deeper with friends, YMMV). Nice to have someone you can talk to who knows you that well, even if certain topics are obviously no-gos anymore.
on the acquaintance levelThat’s not friends. We have a word for that: acquaintances.
You’d be lucky to have an ex, someone would have to have dated you first.
ROFL!!!!! Hilarious burn!!!!Of the two of us, only one defines “friend”s in a way that artificially inflates the number. Who’s pathetic now?
I think my wife and kids are gonna have a couple of questions for me if one of my exes is crashing on our living room couch.
MAN NIGGA YOU GOT TO CONSIDER THE FEELINGS OF PEOPLE WHO YOU SEE NAKED/SPUNK ON. DEM NIGGAS BE SENSITIVE AND YOU BE REJECTING PART OF YOUR HUMANITY BY NOT KEEPING UP WITH THEM ON FACEBOOK.
As an introvert who occasionally gets lonely, I remind myself that my exes are exes for a reason. When I remember what that reason was, I’m pretty good with just being alone.
You’re my favorite! You get two coins worth 30 cents.
Is one of them a nickle?
What you’re overlooking is a thing called “personal development.” To wit: there’s no d) you’re the problem, you finally figured it out, and you address/corrected/fixed it.Fixing the problem doesn’t change the past.
If someone hurt you, you don’t owe them anything, regardless of any development on their part. I agree with you there. But maturity is recognizing the difference between “someone hurt you” and “a situation/circumstance hurt you”, and I definitely don’t see enough of it when it comes to people and their relationships.
But maturity is recognizing the difference between “someone hurt you” and “a situation/circumstance hurt you”, and I definitely don’t see enough of it when it comes to people and their relationships.This implies you consider yourself emotionally mature. An interesting position to take. Not editorializing. Just noticing.
Hardly, I just go to therapy and actually listen to what is said. Putting this shit into practice is hard, constant work. But I’d rather do that than be one of those delusional twits complaining about all their bad exes while collecting an ever-expanding pool of bad exes.
Agreed. I keep this image bookmarked for ‘em.
I have the completely opposite view. You can be on good terms with your ex without having them as a friend. But especially immediately after, cut the cord. Change your number if you have to. Staying in contact is only making it more painful. When I was single I would go cold-turkey. I wouldn’t Facebook stalk them, I wouldn’t call them, I wouldn’t “check to see how they were doing”, and I didn’t want that from them. I wanted the woman to go her own way, hell find someone to get under if she had to, and I would force myself to abide by the same rule (not the moving on quickly part; that never worked out for me). Years later friendship is fine, but when things are fresh? In order to get over the person completely I didn’t want them anywhere near my life.
Agreed. Relationships can end for a vast variety of reasons, that doesn’t mean you suddenly have to no longer care or have any interest in that person. I date the same kinds of people that I befriend, it makes logical sense for me to continue that friendship if I still benefit emotionally, socially, and spiritually from it. I don’t force it and I don’t immediately jump to “cut toxic” people out of my life just because that is all the rage on Twitter. Not every relationship ends because of toxicity. Not everyone is a black or white villain and if I invested a lot of my time into an ex it is because they are a decent person that I connected with, I’m going to make the effort if it isn’t causing me or them any pain. This is also known as behaving like an emotionally balanced adult.
that doesn’t mean you suddenly have to no longer care or have any interest in that person.This is not the same thing as friendship.There are dozens and dozens of people I care for, and have an interest in who I wouldn’t consider friends.
That has to do what how you qualify a “friend”.
Yes. And?It seems to have a significant implication in the “attacking people who don’t stay friends with their exes” conversation.If I’m doing all the same things as you, but you say you stay friends with your exes, and I say I don’t stay friends with my exes… What’s the meaningful difference? What’s the point in you getting sanctimonious (“This is also known as behaving like an emotionally balanced adult”) about your behavior?
I think there’s a difference in what you’re saying and the very real phenomena of people who are like “all of my exes are crazy liars” or “If I see my ex at a bar, I need to leave that bar”. We’re talking about the same thing, we’re just using different terms. Their “behaving like an emotionally balanced adult” is in reference to something else entirely.
Then you and others should be talking about it in those terms, not the word ‘friend’ – a word that some of us still use to mean a relationship that is more than just a friendly acquaintance whom we won’t malign behind their back.
Yeah, or, I could continue to comfortably use my own definitions and parameters and you could continue to take this whole thing weirdly personally, whichever works.
No skin off my nose if you decide to communicate your ideas poorly, and continue to be judgy about strangers.
I don’t kinja enough to know how to spot a Tomatoface, but this dude’s name seems like a dead enough giveaway.
“It seems to have a significant implication in the “attacking people who don’t stay friends with their exes” conversation.That is entirely you projecting.
Projecting what? The topic of this thread?Read the OPs comment. The whole point is that people who aren’t friend with their exes are toxic. And you yourself implied people who aren’t friends with their exes are not “emotionally balanced adults”.If I treat my ex the same way you treat your exes, but only you call them friends… Why am I still toxic and unbalanced according to you and the OP?
Projecting what?Your perceived persecution. Nobody is attacking you.
I like this take. Just as relationships end and I can remain friends with them, sometimes friendships drift apart over time. Sometimes friendships drift apart after relationships; that’s okay too.
Cutting ties with an ex doesn’t make you a “toxic narcissist” and the podcast is addressing a set of complainants who have cited specific problems with their exes—to which the easy solution is to just move on.And using the words “toxic narcissist” to describe someone who just wants to move on is frankly over the topSigned, a now happily married veteran in love who has plenty of other friends who he never boned
It’s tempting to listen to this just to hear what their defense of ghosting is–kind of guessing that it’s along the lines of, “They’re out of your life so what do you care?”
Yeah, based on the tone here and some the responses, probably something along the lines of “being a person instead of a self-serving goblin is haaaaarrrrddd.” Like, I know many folks (mostly women) who’ve had to ghost for good reasons, but I know MANY more who do it because they’re shits.
OH SHIT NIGGA. I BETTER BE FRIENDS WITH THIS BITCH I FUCKED. SHE HAS REDEEMING QUALITIES AS A PERSON.
i would disagree as someone who has never remained friends w/a single ex. I mean, why bother? I dont have kids so that makes things easier obviously. But i see no point in being friends with an ex. I dont wish them ill or anything i just think its not productive. Better for all involved to just move forward in life and disentangle our lives completely from the other.
If you don’t see a point in being friends with someone, you shouldn’t date them. If they don’t enrich your life on a fundamental, platonic level then it’s never going to work anyway.
you are mistaking chronology. Of course we were friends before/during dating. But relationships end sometimes and at that point if the relationship is broken enough to end then the friendship ends too. This doesnt seem hard to grasp.
I’m not mistaking anything, your point is just weird and baffling to me. If I’m friends with someone, and we try dating, and we aren’t compatible because our needs or goals or wants are/become different, why would that impact the friendship? Just because someone doesn’t work in my life as a romantic partner doesn’t mean that they don’t have a place in my life. Touching our dicks together doesn’t instill them with a fundamental change that means we can’t ever go back to being buds.
ok, fair enough. Im glad that works for you. It doesnt for me. No harm no foul.
Relationships change. What can start out as honest friendship, can turn into something else.
In an ideal scenario/world, yes.One of the problems is likely quantity (and quality) of these types of relationships. It’s easier for someone to support or even have your POV when they’ve had numerous relationships that fit your description.The number of, and duration of each, relationships will affect how someone treats the break-up. Someone with more, and a variety of, friends and/or lovers is more likely to be more mature about dealing with the change (or end) of a relationship.(It’s a cold and crude comparison, but eating fast food doesn’t mean I was looking for some deep sense of nourishment or nutritional fulfillment. Maybe I was really hungry and didn’t have enough money to buy anything else? Likewise, maybe I only bought the market price lobster to see what it was like? Not every meal decision is made to “enrich my life” on some “fundamental level”.)
Clearly you want a cookie. Here you go.
That’s alright, you seem like you could use it more. Thanks, though!
Consider us ex-friends! No wait, you don’t have any of those. And you can’t seem to shut up about it.
I know you’re worried about the financial ramifications for your torch business if people start burning fewer bridges, but there’s no reason to get so defensive.
okay dear. you know best.
What’s funny is I’ve heard the phrase: “Show me the most beautiful woman in the world and I’ll show you a guy who’s sick to death of fucking her” and it’s (rightly) considered pretty toxic.
But when I first heard it over a decade back, as a 20 year old, when times and my milieu were a LOT grosser, it struck me as a pretty woke saying, as far as it goes. If all you’re going for is the ‘hottest’ girlfriend (as almost every guy I knew was, at the time) you’re going to wind up with a pretty unfillable void after the novelty and infatuation wears off in like, a month and a half. And to be real, half of pursuing women based on attractiveness alone is, it’s the only trait the woman possesses that’s apparent to all your bros, indeed the whole world as you walk down the street.
There are guys who get in relationships pretty much JUST to get approval from their friend circle or the world at large, and… hopefully the women get something at all out of that relationship before it goes south.
Sometimes you gotta meet people where they’re at, and I’ve found it’s a useful enough phrase to explain my preferences to guys stuck in the Maxim-bro (dating myself here) phase of life. Which for most guys runs from 14 through a death by old age.
I’m guessing you have an attachment disorder, and that it’s fucking with your wellbeing in ways you’re probably not even aware of. Childhood trauma wreaks havoc on the ability of a human being to make and keep secure relationships. Don’t avoid your reality. Face what happened when you were younger and do something about it.
my childhood was indeed severely fucked up. I have been to therapy for years and continue to go off and on both by myself and with my girlfriend. So, i am trying to look after my well-being!The only way out is through.
Excellent. I’m so glad you’re doing what you must. You should be proud. Many never get the help they need and deserve.It so happens I know something that can help you. This therapy (<---click me) will be legal soon, probably by 2021. If you’re not prepared to wait you can find therapists who will provide it now, on the down-low. Here’s a summary of how it works, and what it can achieve:I promise you, it works. It fucking works. If you’re curious seek out something called a ‘psychedelic integration coach’ in your area. They can help you find what you’re looking for.
Thank you for the recommendation – ive heard of this. One of my closest friends is a therapist and im going to run this by her as well.
Wonderful! By all means check in with any more questions you may have.
Oh God. You’re one of those.
>if every ex becomes a persona non grata afterwards, either a) you’re dating wrong, b) you have shit judgment, or c) you’re the problem.
I feel like you’re assuming the breakup was clean or that neither party still has something they are holding on to, that would make it difficult to be friends. I’m also talking platonic relationships too. (to touch a little on what red strawberry might be inferring)
I’ve had quite a few longstanding friends that I no longer communicate with because my priorities in life changed and they didn’t give my time/effort enough respect for me to spend time with them. “outgrew” is a sad but accurate term. What I loved about them in the past was no longer enough for me to continue being close.
Now I don’t go around believing the experience was wasted time, that would be a real bad issue. But I don’t believe I owe them anything necessarily.
I don’t think you’re wrong, but 1) I’m referring to every relationship a person has. We all have bad exes. But if all your exes are bad, there’s a chance that you’re actually the bad ex. And 2) Letting someone quietly drift out of your life isn’t the same as burning a bridge. Both are fine, if the situation calls for it, but neither should be hard or fast rules.
mmm i don’t think a person needs all their ex’s to be “bad” in their eyes, to cut ties whether quietly or loudly. I guess the main part of your stance that i don’t really agree with is that having no “friendly ex’s” implies you have an issue.
Specifically “bad ex”. What does being an ‘ex” require? what responsibilities do you hold to your ex’s? You dated, and now you aren’t. A platonic friendship is a road adjacent to romantic, but getting off one road doesn’t mean you’re required to get on the other road, does it?
Is it more “right” to let an old flame be immortalized as nostalgia? or is it more “right” to prod the embers every once in a while and see how the fire is doing?
To me, the advice that we don’t have to interact with our exes sounds obvious. Sure, we don’t have to! We also don’t have to cut them out! Like many things, what we do with exes is up to us and our own circumstances, and being prescriptive one way (you’re horrible if you ghost!) or the other (exes can never be friends!) is bad.
Cosigned by someone who is friends with most of their exes.
I agree with you! I’m arguing that if your position is “you owe other people nothing”, and every ex should be swiftly excised, then that says something about how you approach relationships which isn’t exactly flatteringIf every ex is a bad ex, you’re probably the bad ex.
Agreed. My ex-wife is still probably my best friend. And my other handful of serious relationships; still very good friends. Hell, even many of the short relationships – 6 months to a year – are still at least pals and we’ll keep in touch on social media for the most part.
I think it boils down to why you broke up.I’ve permanently cut ties with exes who ghosted me for weeks on end without explanation, cheated on me, let someone else bully them into treating me like crap, or were generally awful people.If I had an ex who had a justified reason for spending time away (i.e. a very demanding, long-distance job), or who was great, but simply had different relationship needs than me (i.e. someone who was polyamorous, which I am not), I’d remain friends with them. Heck, my grandparents became close friends again after 20+ years of not speaking to each other. They’d broken up because my great-grandmother was so clingy that she didn’t like the idea of my grandfather being in a romantic relationship with anyone, and after my great-grandmother passed, they reconnected because they didn’t have to worry about anyone trying to wedge between them anymore.
not everyone wants to be friends with their ex. This is simply reinforcing that they don’t have to.
That’s a very narrow point of view you have there. I dated a few guys in college that I bear no I’ll will, but I simply don’t know them anymore. We haven’t seen each other in over a decade, not because of anything bad. We just don’t care.My eight-year relationship from my twenties was great when it started. In the end, he cheated on me and took all of the money from our joint savings and left me with nothing. I had to refinance my car just to cover his half of the bills for 4 months while I tried to sublease our apartment. Despite all of that, I also don’t wish any I’ll for him either, but I’m certainly not inviting him into my life in any way.You don’t have to maintain a relationship with everybody. Some people just want to move forward and live the life that is in front of them.
I’m FB friends with 3 exes, the rest we just fell out of touch. I don’t hold any animosity towards any ex.
I hate being one of those people that reacts to a piece of media without experiencing it myself…Seems like part of the problem is that no one in this thread seems to have actually listened to the advice. So there are a bunch of assumptions and generalizations and “if you do x, you must be y” conjectures flying back and forth that might be served with nuance within the conversation, and which might actually be addressed in the show—rather than relying on a one paragraph recap. Personally, the condescending description in the intro of that review (“Two millennial English majors with zero therapy credentials “) gave me immediate pause about the faithful replication of the hosts’ stances. It may well be true, but it’s hard to trust a biased source.-Signed, someone who is cordial/amicable with most exes, but not actually “friends” with them
i cut them from my life. i don’t befriend to date, i date people. that’s my main relation with them, if they are not my partner anymore i have no reason to see them. it also remove a lot of awkward situation when one of you is in a relationship again.
They’re in their twenties. I’m friends with exes now but back then? Nope.I thought the whole idea of the podcast was stupid but realized it’s not for people my age.
I’m in my late twenties, but your point is taken. I also wonder if heterosexuality has something to do with it. So many folks never question whether they’re genuine friends with the person they’re dating because they’re not used to having many friends of that gender.
I’m not friends with any of my exes. It has been 25 years since I was dating people other than my wife. Just… not sure of the point of it when you don’t see someone in decades. I’m also not friends with anyone from High School, most people from college, the people from my first two jobs. Only one still from my last job.. but that is dwindling. And that’s fine. It’d be exhausting trying to stay friends with EVERYONE. People come in and out of your life, and that’s fine. I moved right after college, so god knows where any of my exes even are. I suppose I’d be nice to them in the supermarket… but not really sure of the point of spending time to try and get to know them again. I already have plenty of CURRENT people in my life to keep me busy.
And see, if you told me that on a date, I’d recognize the problem with dating you immediately: you’re two decades older than me and at a completely different life stage. I have to make a constant effort to be social now, and in two decades that will have almost completely dried up, almost assuredly. Good on you for having maintained any friendships at all, my parents certainly didn’t.
Their ex’s for a reason and I’m under obligation to be friends with them after words.
I can confirm that I had terrible judgement in men before I met my partner of 10+ years. I’m not embarrassed to say that, I was in my early 20s and had fun while making all sorts of silly mistakes. I’m still not going to go out of my way to remain friends with anyone who isn’t in my social circle now that we’re broken up. That sounds exhausting and unnecessary. If you *are* friends with most of your exes, then good on you. That has nothing to do with me and I won’t go out of my way to make broad shitty judgments about you on the internet.Signed – someone friends* with just one of their exes(*really just FB friends if we are being honest)
That’s the new style in America. Be a complete asshole to everyone and claim it makes you more honest and better then others.
I think it really depends on your definition of “friends”. There’s maybe six people that I truly consider to be my friends in my life, the sort of people who deeply know me and that I would help out pretty much no matter the situation. There are other people that I’m friendly with, and some of them are my exes, but I don’t really consider them to be my friends. Typically my breakups have consisted of both of us saying “let’s stay friends” and we just sort of drift apart, maybe staying “friends” on Facebook. Would I have a problem with seeing most of my exes again in a social setting? No…but I agree with the podcast hosts that you don’t owe your exes anything; if the relationship is over it is over and you can go your separate ways and you shouldn’t feel bad about it or compelled to talk to your exes.
I listened to the relevant portion of the episode. It’s not as bad as the summary makes it out to be. It was in the context of someone with an ex who didn’t respect boundaries and wanted an unhealthily one-sided relationship. Less “you owe nothing to anyone” and more “you can’t take responsibility for another person’s well-being at great emotional cost to yourself”.
Did anyone catch the Bodega Boys Showtime debut? (Full episode on YouTube.) I think they’re finding their groove, butoddly, I liked the graphis on their Vice show better.
I’m going to keep recommending Cum Town in the comments until Podmass recognizes it.
Nick Mullen is fucking hilarious. Love that podcast. They do the best live reads I’ve ever heard.
The ad for Thursday Boots a couple of weeks ago was unreal.
So funny! That and “Pieree Gustave Toutant BetDSI.” I very rarely laugh that hard at anything that is not Cum Town.
Same
Nope. Just can’t anymore with these “edgy” titles (cf. Scrotal Recall, SMILF, Schitts Creek). It’s not cute.
judging, books, covers, etc.
Skipping out on Schitt’s Creek because “ohhhh the title is ~edgy~” is your loss.
If you can’t do the edgy title, you probably should avoid the even more edgy podcast
“Just can’t” what?
Every one of their Bam Margera riffs makes me laugh so hard that I look like a lunatic.
My newest podcast discovery is Knowledge Fight, which dissects and demolishes Alex Jones. They cover some present day episodes, but find post-Trump Jones to be pretty boring, as he always goes with the expected Trump talking points—granted, the worst possible version of them, but still totally predictable (of course he’s for the wall, of course he’s for the Muslim ban, of course he thinks there was no collusion, etc.). The most interesting thing about that is how his embrace of an authoritarian-leaning administration is a complete refutation of his alleged previous libertarian ideals and proves what a soulless sack of shit he really is.Because that gets repetitive, they also do “time travel” episodes. Some of them are one-offs, like finding out how Jones reacted to, say, the Ebola scare or that Malaysian airplane that disappeared. But they also do longer, multi-episode “investigations”; they just started one on the Sandy Hook coverage to pinpoint exactly when Jones settled on the “false flag/crisis actors” narrative that currently has him in some pretty hot water.And of course there’s plenty of just plain funny clips of Jones ranting like a madman, being audibly drunk on-air, and getting interrupted by his own ad breaks. There’s also a segment called “Wacky Wednesday” where they discuss various Jones-adjacent type figures; my favorites are the ones about Jim Bakker and the assorted cast of grifting morons that circulate through his show.
Re: The Just Break Up Podcast“To them, you owe other people nothing, having compassion doesn’t necessitate self-erasure, and ghosting gets a bad rap.” Completely agree as long as these are used ethically and strategically versus your default setting/outlook. I think there is something almost pathological in people’s expectation that you should be able to be friends with your exes. If you have a mutual breakup from a relatively healthy but incompatible relationship, sure, you could be friends. But expecting me to remain friends or be nice to dudes to broke my heart, cheated on me, scammed me and/or were straight up abusive is just puzzling and weird.
Agreed. If you can’t make someone feel obligated to be in a romantic relationship with you then how is it fair to insist that someone’s inability to be friends with their ex is an indictment against their character? It’s still obligating someone to be a part of a relationship thats one-sided and emotionally unfulfilling.I tried being friends with one of my two exes from long-term relationships and found that I was still stressed and aggravated in their company. The other one made it virtually impossible to be friends with because, in addition to being abusive, they talked mad shit about their own friends in private.
I’m so glad to learn of this podcast because “just break up” makes up the bulk relationship advice I want to give to people who have problems. Life is too short to suffer needlessly.
James Bonding is my fucking jam. I have it on super heavy rotation and I adore the unjaded, genuine love that the hosts have for the films. It’s refreshing in an age of cynicism and snark, where people think they’re too cool for jetpacks and exploding pens (they fucking aren’t).
Gourley’s completely misplaced hatred of Tomorrow Never Dies is the exception that proves the rule, of course.
Lol yes!
Also adding to its heavy-rotation appeal: Gourley’s Delilah-grade soothing voice, which always chills me out.
Cum TOwn has been on a pretty good tear lately. Give it a spin if you like Disney songs but wish they were more about having gay sex.
It’ll never not be weird to see the Aunty Donna boys getting recognition overseas, let alone from major publications.
That blurb makes it literally sound like a podcast by people with an attachment disorder peddling justifications for their crippling intimacy issues. Absolutely awful.
Off topic a bit but I like that pic of Jennifer Aniston as it shows her without makeup and therefore a normal looking attractive person rather than the perfectly made up glam shots of most attractive celebrities.
Being friend with your EX is just as good as keeping a dead pet, expect if kids are in the picture.
*except
At the risk of advocating a reasonable middle ground: how about remaining pleasant acquaintances of people you have been in a long-term relationship with.
Seems to work for most people.
I used to buy into that bullshit that if you’re not friends with your ex then you’re not emotionally mature or something. But seriously, sometimes people turn out to be assholes. Just walk away.
Did the Profess-Hers just do to TVTropes what Trump is trying to do to the Fourth of July?That’s just cringeworthy. Like “have you even heard of the Internet?” cringe level.
Just Break Up is a bad podcast hosted by narcissists who can’t even put together a few sentences without interrupting themselves with laughs or random other thoughts. I’m not really sure who their audience is.
All I know is:Stephen Sajdak won $60 for correctly predicting Verne Troyer would be “Farina’d” at the Oscars this year.THAT’S one of many reasons you need to listen to WE HATE MOVIES.
I actually didn’t care for the first two episodes of “Strong Black Lead”/”Strong Black Legends” (both names have been attached in various places, so already not a good sign). Clayton was wonderful on “Another Round”, but interviewing isn’t her forte. One can be a fan and still conduct professional and fun interviews. That isn’t on display here, contrary to DiClaudio saying she “keeps the conversation moving smoothly”. Strongly disagree. Hoping the show (and Clayton’s interview skills) finds its groove because the concept is wonderful and I look forward to future guests.