We haven’t heard about Robert Downey Jr.’s The Voyage Of Dr. Dolittle for quite some time, with the Avengers movies and the idea of another Sherlock Holmes stealing all of the attention away, but now the movie has received a new title and a new poster to go with it. The movie (now Dolittle) is a new take on the seemingly irresistible idea of a man who wishes he could talk (plus grunt and squeak and squawk!) with animals, based on Hugh Lofting’s old 1920s children’s books, and the poster features Downey surrounded by fun animals with the tagline “He’s just not a people person.”
Of course, there’s only so much we can say about a poster, and it’s Sunday, so let’s go deep on this one and figure out which of these animals is the best. An actual trailer has also been released, showing some of these animals in action, but it has no influenced their rankings at all. You can see the trailer below.
For reference, here’s the full poster:
9. Duck
We’ve seen talking ducks on TV for years now thanks to Aflac, so the bar for a talking duck is pretty high. The reason this particular duck ranks so low is because its beak looks super weird when it curves into a smile. Also, while a lot of these animals just look like they’re having a good time, the duck seems to be laughing a little too hard. Like, if you did something funny and the duck laughed like this, you’d think it was laughing at you, not with you. This duck can go to hell.
8. Polar Bear
The polar bear looks fun, but that hat is trying way too hard. The bear probably calls people “bro” and smells like pot all the time. Bears are cool, you can just be a bear, but putting this winter hat on a bear is just screaming “hey, look at me, I’m a bear.” Very uncool.
7. Fox
On the other end of the spectrum is this fox, which seems to have shown up in this photo on accident. The bear is screaming for attention, but the fox doesn’t even seem to be aware of what’s going on. Hard pass.
6. Giraffe
The giraffe ranks in the bottom half simply because of how crowded the photo is. It doesn’t get a chance to really put any of its personality out there, because it needs to make room for all of the pushier, showier animals. Also, is the giraffe physically standing really far away and bending its neck way down, or is everyone else high up on some kind of platform?
5. Dog
This is a snooty dog. It probably speaks with an accent and tries to keep Dolittle from being too wacky. That being said, people with glasses don’t get enough respect, and the dog shouldn’t be judged just for that. Then again… how is it wearing glasses? Are they really tightly wrapped on its face?
4. Gorilla
The gorilla just looks like a gorilla on first glance, but look a little closer and you’ll see why it ranks so high: It’s wearing a backpack or suspenders or something, and it has its arm around Dolittle! That’s super fun. It seems like a good friend.
3. Ostrich
The duck could learn from this ostrich about how to have a legitimately good time, as opposed to an ironic good time that is just about criticizing a poor dog and its glasses. The ostrich might not be as much of a buddy as the gorilla, but you simply do not have a party without this ostrich.
2. Sugar Glider(?)
Look at this little guy. Look at him.
1. Parrot
This. Is. How. It’s. Done. The pose. The facial expression. Pure and utter delight. Cut out all of these other animals and make a movie about the parrot. Parrot, starring Parrot Downey Jr., tagline: “Parrot’s just not a parrot parrot.” Make the parrot the star of Sherlock Holmes 3. Give the parrot an Iron Man suit. Put the parrot in Smash.
And here’s the weirdly melodramatic trailer, featuring significantly more battleship attacks than you’d expect.
[Note: These are objective rankings. Please do not try and argue with any of this in the comments.]
67 Comments
This is ridic—[Note: These are objective rankings. Please do not try and argue with any of this in the comments.]Curses! Foiled again by Barsanti’s keen legal mind!
When did Do(o)little lose an O?
Around the 7th treatment of the 5th remake.
Did he gain one? The books have always had just one.(or three if you include his title and four if you throw in his first name “John”)
In this iteration the Dr. just sits around and does fuck all.
This movie has a budget of $175 million. Wut
It’s expensive to pay for acting classes for a giraffe.
They’re okay at learning lines, but emoting is a stretch.
This poster serves to remind me that Downey used to do a LOT of drugs.The CGI in the trailer looks kind’a badly over-done, the animals are all… uh… over-acting.
Believe me, you really do not want to see the polar bear chew the scenery.
Is it weird I read your comment in my head in Trump’s voice? Am I sick?
he did ALL the drugs
A dog wearing glasses!? How delightfully absurd!
Will Gilbert Gottfried be vindicated here, I hope?
Will Gilbert Gottfried be vindicated here, I hope?
Where’s the chimpanzee? Did he bail? The song clearly name checks the chimpanzee. Dr. D even sings it ”Chim-pan-zee-ee.” If the chimp isn’t there idk man, I’ll proly stay home … watch Babe 2. ‘wearing my garanimals.
He’s, uh, British? so it’d be a chimp-an-zed.Also from the poster to the accent to the put upon whimsy, this seems like it would’ve been oh so much better with Taika as the star.
Not just British, but if I heard it properly, Tom-Jones Welsh.
Ostrich should be at the bottom because ostriches are assholes across the board.
This has nothing to do with Pixies, which is bullshit. But you couldn’t soundtrack this with a trailer version of “Monkey Goes to Heaven”? This shit’s dead in the water.
Like this movie’s too good for a trailer that plays a spooky version of “Mr Grieves” that’s been slowed down to 60bpm and centred around the bit about talking like Doolittle. Get over yourself, Downey Jr and yr stupid menagerie.
FUN FACT #1: the slowed down version of “Mr. Grieves” sounds like “Into the Void” by Black Sabbath.FUN FACT #2: the slowed down version of every song sounds like “Into the Void” by Black Sabbath.
Do you have another opinion?
RDJ is arguably the biggest movie star in the world and the lead of what is now the most lucrative movie of all time. He doesn’t need money or fame, now he can make ART. And his next wide release is…a Dr. Doolittle remake released in mid-January. 4 dimensional chess.
That Polar Bear’s career is going really well , he’s also in the BBC’s “His Dark Materials.” adaptation.. Clearly has a clause in his contract saying he has to wear a hat, must be going bald.
He comes from a showbiz family. They were all in Coke commercials back in the day.
Hollywood nepotism strikes again.
We regret to inform you the polar bear is racist.
I think it’s Polar Bear instead that they keep the Bumpo subplot.
Hey, some of his good friends are grizzlies.
They’re all members of the Bearyan Brotherhood.
This is the same bear that ate those kids at the end of Snow Train.
Little-known fact, that polar bear started out as the lead singer for Spin Doctors
Movie: The story’s gimmick is that this guy can talk to animals!Trailer: *Proceeds to only show guy talking to animals for 1/10th of the trailer.*
No rhino=no rhyming “rhinoceros” with “of courserous”(probably the greatest rhyme in any language of any species)=no fucken dice.
Doo? (shrugs, nods) Little.
Now this is the way pointless and foolish posts should be done.
Forget the animals, I want to know why Cosmo Kramer is on this poster.
I am happy for this film, flops like these will drive RDJ back to playing Tony Stark all the more faster. I am not really happy with that idea but I’d rather he show up as a supporting character/AI in some new MCU movies then make this CGI crap fest.
3. Hey that’s a really good picture of Kaitin Olson!
That bear is Joseph Zawinul, in bear form.
That… is Benedict Cumberduck.
The film could be improved by dubbing over Robert Downey Jr.’s horrible Brit accent. If the trailer is any guide, it will only take a few minutes effort.
Didn’t Eddie Murphy already do this? Don’t we learn?
And since unnecessary big movie soundtracks are no longer a thing, we don’t even have a chance of the movie accidentally birthing a dope-ass song like the Aaliyah/Timbaland track we got from the Murphy Dolittle.
Oh you know there will be a Musak light-rap version of Talk To The Animals playing over the credits.
I hope this is grimdark fantasy retelling of Downey’s hallucinations in rehab. “Dr. Dolittle – Gentleman Junkie”
Man, this is going to be the subject of so many podcasts about disastrous movies.
Even though it will make a kajillion dollars this move has SUCK written all over it.
Holy shit they spent a lot of money on a movie that, based on the trailer, completely merits coming out in January.
This duck can go to hell.
Firstly, you can kindly go wallow in Satan’s crusty bumhole.
Now then, the photoshop work on that poor Aylesbury duck is quite horrific. Besides ruining the bird’s natural smile, they smoothed over the beak ridges.
So, does he bomb Tokyo?
I think it’s going to bomb everywhere.
Downey looks like he’s been photo-shopped into that poster on about 5 different occasions.
Apparently $300-million is not enough in the bank for Robert Downey, Jr. He was a hell of a lot more adventurous an actor when he was half out of his mind.
That is a weirdly melancholy trailer for a movie about a guy who talks to animals. Do they all have terminal illnesses or something?
Know what? We’re all doomed. I’m going to watch this and enjoy it as the rockets fall on my gosh darn head.
Get outta here with that piece of trash Louis Armstrong cover mate. Also the plot twist to this film is that it’s just gonna be a Sherlock Holmes drug trip yea?
“What accent is that Robert?”“I was going for the Littlefinger”Weird
Going out on a limb here to say this movie will be terrible and will get terrible reviews, and that it will be the top grossing movie of whatever week it comes out. There are only so many times divorced dads can take the kids miniature golfing.
This 100 percent looks like a movie I would have seen with my dad as a kid (he and my mom were divorced), so I say you’re spot-on.
Hey- I have a parrot like that (a Blue & Gold Macaw) & he often makes that happy face! On the other hand, this movie looks like crap
The gorilla is too high on the list, and I love gorillas. The gorilla from The Zookeeper trailers (never saw the movie) still haunts me, so I’d prefer no gorillas be used in a move for another decade or so.Unless we’re bringing Gorilla Grodd to the big screen, but that’s a different situation entirely.
No Push-me-pull-you? Blasphemy!
Duck duck rooster?