Let’s identify the most offensive thing in these Oscars nominee swag bags
Top contenders include $10K in botox, multiple free vacations, and bottles of "spermindine"
Film Features Oscars
The Academy of Motion Pictures & Sciences hosted its annual Cool Kids Party, the 2022 Oscars ceremony, this time continuing to insist upon their cultural relevancy and egalitarianism, but the Oscars can’t do anything to change the simple fact that their get-together is increasingly seen as yet another ivory tower institution that many of us simply can’t be bothered to give a damn about.
It’s also hard to make that case when the Academy can’t seem to shake PR remoras like Distinctive Assets. For years, the LA-based business has made a name for itself by distributing gift bags to nominees that make the Sharper Image catalog look like a RadioShack mailbox flier from 1996.
This time around, Distinctive Assets is doling out “Everybody Wins” swag bags for 25 “top nominees” in acting and directing categories. This year’s list of recipient includes: Nicole Kidman, Steven Spielberg, Denzel Washington, Jessica Chastain, Kristen Stewart, and Will Smith— and these gift bundles are each apparently worth a nebulous, infuriating “six-figures.”
“We are humbled to be commemorating two decades of curating a specialty gift bag that has become a global pop culture phenomenon… we are not only celebrating these incredible nominees but also a return to normalcy in a post-pandemic world, ” said DA founder, Lash Fary, someone who clearly doesn’t understand the meaning of words like “humbled,” “phenomenon,” or “normalcy.”
The 25 recipients will reportedly receive, among other obscenities, gold fleck-infused olive oil, free vacations at Scottish castles and $10K spas, complimentary plastic surgery, and bottles of some shit called “spermindine.” Here’s a bottle of some avocado oil that normally costs $200 for 8.5 ounces.
Now, to be fair, this $200 avocado oil promises to “Lift the Oxidative Burden at the Cellular Level,” which is something everyone obviously could use—especially multimillionaire celebrities.
If we had to make an Academy Award-winning Sophie’s Choice decision here, however, we’d probably pick Shinery, a hand soap purportedly designed to clean both your dirty mitts and gleaming jewelry at the same time. In all honesty, that present isn’t any more or less worse than the rest of the “Everyone Wins” bags, but we just wanted to pick one as quickly as possible to wash our hands of this grotesquerie, so to speak.
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102 Comments
“but the Oscars can’t do anything to change the simple fact that their get-together is increasingly seen as yet another ivory tower institution that many of us simply can’t be bothered to give a damn about.”Why would the Academy care tho? It’s for the industry, not for you. Nice that you’re helping advertise the brands that do this for the advertising, I guess!
Your claim that The Academy Awards are some kind of insular industry insider event is patently and laughably false. Televised awards shows are primarily marketing events tailored for mass consumption by plebes. They very obviously care about attracting viewers, promoting the nominees, and shaping public discourse around their industry and their offerings.
It’s not for me, or you, or anyone else but these 25 people. That doesn’t make it any less obvious how out-of-touch the Oscars are. This is just another thing we can add to the list.
Out of touch with whom? You? Me? Them? Everybody?Accusing someone of being out of touch presumes that someone else is in touch, and I’m not sure anyone is.
You. Just you.
Nah, you’re just upset people have money and can do frivolous things with it if they want to.
Out of touch? What the fuck are you talking about? This is a swag bag for an awards show. Should it be more in line with the normal swag bags that awards shows give out?
I agree. This is like complaining that the, say, National Association of Physics Educators teacher-of-the-year awards dinner is boring to French professors. So what?
The difference is that the National Association of Physics Educators isn’t trying to pass off a 4 hour self-congratulatory awards event as must watch televised entertainment. The Academy is trying very much so to do that and has recently found waning success in the enterprise. If the Oscars were relegated to a private, industry awards dinner without the deliberate attempt to make it a spectacle you wouldn’t see people dunking on them. But the way they attempt to market the thing as programming makes it fair game for the same kind of criticism any other programming or massive public event can be subject to.
The National Association of Physics Educators doesn’t put its ceremony on TV and run ads day in and day out trying to bring French teachers into their little program, though.
lol Yeah but it’s not like AVClub readers about to go out and buy any of this shit.
25 “top nominees” in acting and directing categories So does that mean the 20 actors and 5 directors nominated this year get these bags? I wouldn’t mind seeing JK Simmons’ reaction to ‘complimentary plastic surgery’ or Ryusuke Hamaguchi cracking open a bottle of spermindine.
Here’s a better pic in case anyone is interested. I know I was.It’s kind of fun deciding what is what and what does what. Like what is that baby?
If the RWNJ are to be believed, that’s for the Sacrifice.
They use it to practice sucking out its adrenochrome. Get the technique down before trying it on live babies.
Well, now I know that I can become a scottish lord for 36 euros.
https://www.highlandtitles.com/Neat
I like to think that many Lairds are in fact fumble fingered horny gentlemen who were in fact looking for HighlandTitties dot com
Just like in the old days!
Those are scams.
Animal abuse sex dolls are presumably quite the niche market. Hollyweird, amirite?!?
The baby doll, the sloth toy and the inflatable orca just immediately draw the eye in a way that sets the tone for the rest of it. I couldn’t believe that was the real picture at first, since the first things I noticed look like pure garbage. Like, throw them away on your way out don’t even wait to get to your car to go home garbage.
I had that thought, too. But I imagine a few of these people have kids, or nieces and nephews, or friends with kids that would enjoy some of it. And maybe that’s its purpose for being included. Like a:“Hey, kiddo. Look what I got for you.”“Oh cool! Minions card game! And candy!”“That’s daddy’s candy. You can have the whale blowup.”“Why’s he crying, daddy?”“Because Peta is awful, son.”
Looks like a grandma grabbed a bunch of junk from her house and shoved some snacks and old toys into it.
Your grandma must have a lot more gold-flake-filled oil lying around her house than mine does.
It looks like someone just filled a shopping cart at TJ Maxx.
I think the only thing I’d like in that gift bag is the sloth. Yeah, it’s probably just the sloth.
First thing I thought of when I saw it was Larry David. “…no good?”
As a vendor, I’d be embarrassed to force some of this mediocre shit onto 25 incredibly rich people who have assistants buying everything.
They should be required to schlep that around the whole night if they want to keep it.
Oh wait is this really it? I thought it was a joke photo. WTF is with the baby doll?
Damn, what kind of gift bag is this? I would have pictured one of those little paper gift bags with a handle, not an XL trash bag.
I definitely appreciate a good olive oil, but those gold flakes are grossing me out. What a waste.
But then after you eat it, you can proclaim to everyone “I shit gold”https://youtu.be/ubNFViNtA80
I’d settle for 6 seasons and a movie.
Except the recipients of the gift bags already say that.
And then after you shit the gold, you can pan for the flakes.
Truly the gift that keeps on giving.
What’s worse is, like those fucking $2000 gold-glazed steaks they serve at some of those stuffy restaurants is that it’s just a filet mignon or ribeye with edible gold leafing that you can get for cheap on Amazon.You can make the same exact thing at home for less than $30.
Yeah, it doesn’t exactly scream ‘expensive.’ It mostly reminds me of Goldschläger, which has about a dollar’s worth of gold leaf in it, and… isn’t the kind of thing I find appetizing.
I’d rather have the goldschlager, even if it does taste like shit.
Goldschläger: the tacky shit you slowly steal from your college room mate while he’s away, one sip at a time.
I can’t stand that “THIS PLACE HAS THE MOST EXPENSIVE STEAK!” and just like “We took a supermarket scotch fillet and, like, served it with a $250,000 diamond ring as a garnish”.
How do you filet scotch? I’ve tried it and it just runs all over the cutting board.
I guess you could flash freeze it, slice it thin with a laser and eat it like chips.
By not being American and using English, not French, butchery…
if a steak cost that much, i want to make sure the cow lived an extreem life of leisure. Like weekly massages and spa treatments, its own barn, only the finest of grass. The whole nine yards
Like weekly massages and spa treatments, its own barn, only the finest of grass.Not joking, that’s pretty much Japanese wagyu production. Except daily, not weekly, massages. Personally, for Western-style steaks, I think wagyu is EXTREMELY over-rated. And I’m typing that now from the town that’s home to Jack’s Creek Wagyu: https://www.beefcentral.com/news/aussie-entries-claim-titles-as-worlds-best-steak/You may as well eat butter. It’s too rich, just tastes of dripping and copper. Gimme some grass-fed, dry-aged Hereford or Angus any day of the week. Wagyu wasn’t bred to be a 1″-thick 300g ribeye. This bloke is my butcher: https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2022/feb/09/small-town-butchers-thrive-as-supply-shortages-hit-australian-supermarketsHis cows are raised, by him, on rich floodplain barely 15 minutes from his shop, and his beef is never cryovacced.
I assume people pay that in the hope that the weird looking dude* who owns the chain will come over and sprinkle salt on their food (in that weird way he does that looks like someone broke all his joints and they all set wrong).*(imagine if there was one of those weird Taiwanese news CGI animations , only of Hank Azaria from the Simpsons , well like that only less realistic looking)
Ah. “Edible” gold leafing. THAT’s the mistake I made…
I’m all for fleecing stupid rich people. Nobody else is buying those steaks!
It’s also probably a shit olive oil. Nobody making a good olive oil puts it in a clear container.
Hell, nobody adds gold to improve the taste. In any other situation, if your olive oil was filled with metal shavings, you’d be sued out of existence.
Is that good for you?
Might have bedn a better epic takedown of ivory tower rich people if your head office hadn’t just packed up to go live with them
I love/hate that they’re calling these trash bags “Everybody Wins” while distributing them to only 25 “top” nominees.
The iron law of distribution: Them that has, gets.
It’s amazing how we normalize giving free stuff to rich people.
Can you really normalize that which is a centuries old tradition?
Not with that attitude.
Boosh!
So we’re not going to question what exactly is “spermindine”, huh? Just going to toss “spermindine” out there and then just move on without any further explanation? I’m going to have to look it up myself, aren’t I? Okay fine then.
It’s like amandine, but tastes like a penny instead of almonds.
Yeah, but if they didn’t make us look up what spermindine was, I wouldn’t have looked up, been confused by, and later regretted looking up what spermindine was.
All I’m saying: if I’m going to have to clear my browser history to do my own investigative journalism, the least you could do is provide a questionable link.
For those who want to go looking for themselves, it’s nothing NSFW, I assure you. It’s more of an existential dread thing: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spermidine
Now do “NFT”.
Spermindine …what if your mouthwash …was also a spermicide?
A specially formulated post-blowie oral rinse? Now that could actually be useful!
One sperm says to the other “Are we at the egg yet?”
The other answers “You kidding, we just passed the tonsils!”
That one always makes me laugh (and it may be older than most of us here )
Thank you, Jackie “The Joke Man”!
Your mouth wouldn’t get pregnant?
Are we not going to discuss the fact that “DA founder Lash Fary” 100% sounds like a minor character/small business owner in Pawnee, Indiana?
I so want to see Perd Hapley and Joan Callamezzo’s reactions to swag bags…
Side note but (and I know this always boils down to “actor can play multiple different roles” in a career) , but I was always amazed that the actress who plays Joan Callamezzo (Mo Collins) did a ton of the voices on F is For Family , including town bully/altar boy Jimmy Fitzsimmons .
The funny thing about these bags I’d that the whole point is for the companies to give out this crap in the hopes that Will Smith or Spielberg or whoever gets photographed using their product or talks about it in an interview. But I would love to know some numbers on how often these things actually get used by the celebrity and how often they are just given away to their lawyer or their cousin’s kid or their house cleaner or the limo driver driving them home from the ceremony.
it’s probably not even done by the companies it’s probably done by a third-party ‘boutique gift box’ service you hire for these events.
Sure the third party puts them together, but the products that go in them, come from the companies probably free of charge with the hope that the promotion they get from it, will be worth it.
Crossing my fingers for them.
Literally in the article…“It’s also hard to make that case when the Academy can’t seem to shake PR remoras like Distinctive Assets. For years, the LA-based business has made a name for itself by distributing gift bags to nominees that make the Sharper Image catalog look like a RadioShack mailbox flier from 1996.”And from the linked DB article“Not in any way affiliated with the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, the “Everyone Wins” nominee gift bags are assembled and distributed by a company called Distinctive Assets. Distinctive Assets has been something of a thorn in the side of the Academy after scrutiny from the IRS in the early aughts caused them to discontinue the practice of giving guests extravagant, tax-free gifts. Independently, Distinctive Assets began putting together their own gift packages for nominees. Back in 2016, the Academy went so far as to sue the PR firm for associating the over-the-top swag bags with the Oscars.”Reading is fundamental, kids.
It’s probably icing if the celebs use the products, but more important is that gullible or biddable journalists write about the gifts, even if that’s in the form of “look how ridiculous this is”. And then other idiots read the articles and post about them on the interwebs.
Do they really think Spielberg is going to say in an interview “Yeah, I got this free botox and now my face looks like a Asian porn star and I don’t get migraines anymore!”
I keep waiting for one of the celebrity recipients to just openly mock this shit, and it’s weird it never seems to happen. I wonder if there’s a contract thing.
Why would people mock thousands and thousands of dollars worth of gifts?Ad what kind of twat are you that you’d complain about a gift?
Badmouthing it would prevent them from getting more bags like this.
This is the world we live in: let’s figure out what’s the most offensive thing here.
Imagine if these swag bags were offered to the non-televised “unimportant” nominees. The ones who probably *aren’t* millionaires.
Yes, those professionals at the top of their fields who may be slightly less wealthy than A list actors need pity!
Who said anything about “pity”?Jesus, not everything is a fucking fight for the soul of a nation, class warrior.Eat a gift bag of goldflake-covered dicks.
“Who said anything about “pity”?”Did you READ what you wrote?
And Botox
Why would those plebes need Botox or gold leaf oil?
You know, that gold flecked olive oil really makes them taste delicious. We should fucking eat them.
Sounds like someone’s jelly.
No, it’s spermindine.
Yawn. Call me when Rachel Zegler gets one.
She’s at home with her boyfriend in gold flecked flannel.
If you’re offended by stuff like this then you probably shouldn’t be writing for a site that’s main function is to promote popular culture.
Finding out what’s in the Oscar gift bag is one of my favorite parts.I’m always happy when someone I like gets to present or otherwise qualify for one of those gift bags.
I looked up; spermindine and it didn’t help at all.