Paramount Plus to bribe you with Halo, Star Trek, Rugrats, Younger…and one Dr. Frasier Crane

Baby, we’ve heard the blues a-callin’: Nobody gives a shit about Paramount Plus. (Which, pre-re-branding, would have been written out as “Nobody gives a shit about CBS All Access,” but that’s just the bold new future we’re living in.) But despite largely being known as “that thing you forgot to cancel after checking out Picard”, ViacomCBS refused to let Disney Plus eat up all the streaming news oxygen today, firing back at its rivals’ host of new announcements with a broadside of hype all its own. This included news that Paramount Plus will soon be playing host to the Halo TV show, more Star Trek series, a Rugrats revival, a return for Reno 911!, the final season of Younger, and, most importantly for people who are only and exactly us: The long-awaited Frasier revival project.

That’s right, Frasier-inos: Scrambled eggs are about to once again be all over all our faces (what is a boy to do), as the network confirmed that Kelsey Grammer will be reprising his record-tying role as TV’s most long-suffering, wine snob-ying radio psychologist. Chris Harris and Joe Cristalli will executive produce the series with Grammer, and while it is joke-disappointing that they don’t appear to have considered any of our ideas for the sequel show—and real-disappointing that no one else is yet attached to the series, most notably co-stars David Hyde Pierce or Jane Leeves—it’s still nice to know that “the continuing journey of Dr. Frasier Crane” (Grammer’s words, not ours) will, uh, continue.

But, again, this is only one small, incredibly important part of today’s glut of Paramount news. The network also confirmed that the long-in-the-works Halo show, based off the popular series of video game shooters, will now launch on the streaming service, rather than at Showtime, where it’s being produced. Nickelodeon, meanwhile, is offering up a Rugrats revival to the streaming gods, tapping series stars E.G. Daily, Nancy Cartwright, and more to reprise their roles as CG versions of everyone’s favorite Reptar-loving babies. (And they are babies again; none of that “All Grown Up” horseshit here.)

Is that not enough to stop you ravening jackals from blatantly snubbing Paramount Plus in favor of looking at more stills of Tom Hiddleston in old-time-y clothes? Well, fine, how about this? Paramount Plus will also serve as the home for revivals of, basically, everything you used to like from the Viacom library. Want (another) Reno 911! revival? Take it. Five new Inside Amy Schumer specials? They’re all yours. Y’all want another Beavis And Butthead movie? A Workaholics movie? More Trevor Noah, doing a weekly show in addition to his Daily Show duties? Paramount Plus will give you these things. Paramount Plus is a bad dad with a credit card right now, and it’s willing to throw as many figurative XBoxes as it takes at you so that it can finally buy your love.

And, hey: How’s this for real love? In addition to a few more projects—including a final season of Darren Star’s Younger, and the new animated Star Trek series Prodigy—Paramount Plus is also making the ultimate sacrifice: Despite being exactly where we’d put it, were we forced to find a place for such a product, the streaming service will not serve as the debut location for the Ray Donovan movie that was just announced, which you’ll have to intentionally flip over to Showtime to see. Because love isn’t just about giving people things; it’s also about protecting our loved ones from the worst aspects of ourselves.

Quite stylish.

Update, 6:55 p.m.: Viacom has now also confirmed that Paramount Plus will cost $1 less per month than the current CBS All Access, running just $4.99.