Sega unleashes cologne that will let you stink like Sonic The Hedgehog

We have precious little data—despite years of research and speculation—about what Sonic The Hedgehog smells like. Sure, last year’s Sonic movie had a joke about how the blue speedster sometimes fails to do a complete job of cleaning up after himself after using the bathroom, wiping-wise. And sure, there are some fairly safe hypotheses we can draw from his all-chili-dog diet. But even the most dedicated Sonic scientists and lore deep-divers have failed, despite best efforts, to give us a definitive answer about Sonic’s stink.

Until now!

In news that will be met with excitement operating at a frankly staggering number of levels of irony and horniness—depending on the reader—Sega Shop Europe announced today that it was launching “Blue Blur,” a new unisex cologne that has, per the ad copy, been “given the seal of approval from the famous speedy hedgehog himself.” (Note: Sonic The Hedgehog is not a real person, unless you’re the kind of person who would literally kill us for saying that, in which case: Look, cologne!)

Blue Blur was launched alongside two other colognes that actually make a kind of sense, since they’re focused on Yakuza and Shenmue, Sega franchises that feature actual adult people in them. But the obvious money-maker—despite not being available to take our money, if we’re not in the U.K. or Europe—is that good Sonic stink, which apparently features “an aroma of fresh citrus, a zing of grapefruit zest and exotic lemon and lime, topped with the scent of the ocean breeze and chilled melon fade.”

(In other words, Sonic The Hedgehog smells like the bracing bouquet of an opened can of Squirt. Pass it on.)

The Sonic cologne also features “rich base tones of leather, suede, and cedar,” the better to capture Sonic’s past as an 18th century cattle rustler. (Prove to us that this fan fiction doesn’t exist.) The bottles are currently being offered up for pre-order in the U.K. or Europe, and are described as a “Perfect gift for any fan of the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise,” or at least any fan of the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise who has not already given in to the urge to break into Sega’s Top Secret Smell Labs in order to roll around in this stuff like a dog in Sonic-flavored shit.