While we’ve been enjoying a current renaissance of rock-star biopics, thanks to the successes of Bohemian Rhapsody and Rocketman, there’s one artist whose personal rags-to-riches story you won’t see playing out on the big screen any time soon: Sting. And while there may be a number of reasons for that, let’s just go ahead and assume it’s because vast stretches of the film would simply be rehashing the endless months, if not years, he’s hypothetically spent in a semi-fugue state of ecstatic, tantric sex.
Taking a break from what we can only imagine was his usual 17-day January orgasm (several weeks shorter than his usual ones, hence his fond nickname for it, “Dryuary”), Sting gave an interview to The Hollywood Reporter in which he opened up about a variety of subjects, including his history as an actor, his new musical The Last Ship, and how he got along with his bandmates in The Police (famously, if you’re curious about his take). But the key question comes in the middle of the piece, where the interviewer asks the man born Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner if he’d ever consent to turning his life into a biopic à la the recent aforementioned hits:
Absolutely not. I just don’t think I want to. I’m telling my story in an artistic way. [The Last Ship] is a metaphor. This is a story about me. I’m in this play in many ways—probably more than I intended to. But the character I’m playing is built on composites of people like my father, uncles, people I was brought up with. That’s the way I want to do it, rather than somebody going, “What’s the arc of Sting’s life?” I haven’t finished it yet.
His general point here seems to be that he’s more interested in the history of the town where he’s from and the people who surrounded him as a child, rather than his personal journey translated into film. But that seems like a way of avoiding the much more logical explanation, which is that the musician has spent so much of his adult life in the sensuous ardor of intimate pleasures with his spouse, the movie would be more like porn than anything else. Sure, he may have tried to shrug off his comments about day-long horizontal mambo routines as a bit of a “larf” (how English people say “made-up bullshit,” also their term for taxicabs), but let’s not forget he still refers to sex as “a sacrament.” Does that sound like someone whose life is anything but marathon fuck sessions? It does not.
Anyway, the whole interview is high-quality Sting, and also manages to discuss the excellent nature of his solo album The Dream Of The Blue Turtles without somehow also mentioning it is easily one of the top ten most hilarious pop album names of all time. So sadly, we may have to wait until he death (he does seem to think that will finally be an okay time to consider “the arc of Sting’s life” for a biopic) before we can see Sting: Slappin’ The Bass And The Boudoir at a multiplex near you.
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Welcome to “Sexy Sexegenarians Mingle” Here is Mr. Gordon——“Sting” Here is “Mr. Sting” and he likes to have sex for 12 hours. In a row. Consecutively. Ok, who wants to start the conversation?
Imma gonna let you finish but… The Dream of the Blue Turtles is one of the best albums of all time! ALL TIME!!
He’s too boring for a biopic surely?
A porn parody maybe, but not a biopic.
Cream of the Blue Squirters?…Nothing Like Her Bum?
Wrapped Around Your Sphincter?
Cocksanne?Every Cock You Take?Humping On The Moon?Don’t Bone So Close To Me?King of Pain…. wait. That one doesn’t need to change I don’t guess.
Message in a Butthole?
Every Cock You Take?
Surely there’s a markey for some Pokemon/Sting crossover porn.Cream of the Blue Squirtles.
Every Breathplay You Take.
I cannot name three musical performers whose biopic I would be less interested in. Maybe Jessica Simpson but I’m drawing a blank on the other two.
Fred DurstKid RockToby Keith
Fred Durst would be a great subject for a comedy, maybe with the lead character called Frank Durp or something to avoid lawsuits. Kid Rock would be natural for a straight jab-jab-hook hitpiece about what a stain on the human race he is.Toby Keith.. yeah, I got nothing. I don’t think there’s any there there. So Jessica Simpson and Toby Keith, two people less interesting than Sting. Anyone got a third?
Make it happen and Jorma Taccone must direct it.
his new musical The Last ShipNew? It played on Broadway in 2014.We actually saw The Last Ship last night at the Ahmanson. It was pretty good but a little too long for my taste. Also they used authentically incomprehensible Newcastle accents which made understanding some of the lyrics a bit difficult for me. Sting himself played the role of Jackie White, and he exhibited perfect adequasivity.
Deathwish live from 1980 is all the biopic Sting needs:Fuckin’ Copeland ftw!
Stewart rules. Here’s a great interview with him.
Nice!
Stewart Copeland wrote the soundtracks for the first couple Spyro the Dragon games, iirc. I remember one of the streamers I watch on Twitch (who is a huge classic rock fan) having Spyro heavily recommended to him by his viewers and not knowing why until he had the connection pointed out to him. It’s probably for the best that there’s no Sting biopic. I’m still too socially awkward about the sex lives of celebrities I look up to to watch Rocketman— I love Sir Elton, but I don’t know I want to see a nude scene of someone portraying him.
Sting is from Newcastle. If anybody finds out he’s said “larf” (rather than “laff”) he’ll never be able to go home again.
I need this because I never figured out if the turtles were unhappy or dyed.
They were moldy.
They told offensive jokes.
They were unhappy, but he was really referring to Don Murray and Chuck Portz, the members of the Turtles who quit in 1966.
They’re Democrat voters.
The Police did some great music but other than that a movie based om Sting would be tediously dull.
I’d look forward to the angsty “grow a beard and learn how to play the lute” montage.
Hey, did you guys know Sting is into tantric sex? Great job getting those keywords into the headline and opening paragraph even though the article being referenced has zero mention of tantra or sex, AV Club. Your third-party SEO consultant will be thrilled.
Internet tropes ranked:37. Funny headlines527. Impotent rage about funny headlines.
TANTRIC SEX!Now that I’ve gotten your attention, Sting doesn’t want a biopic.
Thank god you’re here to bitch about it though
I only clicked on the article so I could figure out what it meant. I think a standup (Bill Burr?) once made a reference to Sting’s sex life that went over my head.
Sting talked about 7 hour long tantric sex marathons in the 90s and it’s been a meme ever since (which to me makes it a fine Newswire bit like classic AV Club, but our friend up top doesn’t like it)
We are all called to serve in our own unique way. 🙂
Seems pretty disingenuous for a dude who, y’know, WROTE AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY to say that he’s not interested in telling the story of his life.
Maybe he can finally tell the story of the thousand rainy days since they first met. He keeps suggesting he needs to.
Who has the time to practice Tantric sex in this era of Peak TV?
He’s a good digger
As someone born in the North East with a dad originally from exactly where Sting was born, it always amuses me that an area that prides itself on being populated by straight-talking no-nonsense down-to-earth types somehow managed to produce someone as pretentious as Sting.
I guess he’d rautha feyd into the background.
I’m into tantric nocturnal emissions. I have to sleep for days.
I also totally reject the idea of a Sting biopic
Blue Turtles is good (love “Moon Over Bourbon Street), but …Nothing Like the Sun is better.