The 16 worst vampire films of all time, ranked
From Twilight to Dracula 2000, these movies truly suck
Film Features Vampire
“I have come to suck … your blood!” Forgive us for the blatant stealing of a Simpsons joke, but that’s precisely what needs to be said before we wade into a discussion about the worst vampire movies ever made. At its best, the genre represents the tip-top of scary filmmaking, able to fold body horror, gorgeous effects, and disturbing sexual overtones into something that can terrify on multiple levels. These flicks, however, don’t do that. In anticipation of Last Voyage Of The Demeter (which we hope won’t be worthy of this list), The A.V. Club has unearthed the dregs of the nosferatu cinematic universe. From Queen Of The Damned to Blade: Trinity, there’s going to be a lot of sucking in the ensuing countdown—and only some of it will come from the blood-drinking nightmares depicted onscreen.
244 Comments
Vampires Suck looks kinda funny. Thanks AV Club.
Yeah I’m not sure what they’re talking about here, Vampires Suck is one of the better Scary Movie ripoffs that came out. It’s better than at least half of the Scary Movie series, though that’s not a high bar to clear.
Did we watch the same trailer? ‘Cause the one I watched looked absolutely shite.
Sometimes you just have to put your brain in neutral and embrace the suck.
Honestly, I’m quite willing to embrace the suck from time to time. Embracing the absolutely shite, however, is a different matter. That trailer looked wretched, and not in a fun way.
hey man, you’re what Adam Devine is complaining about!(definitely not being serious)
Oh no, you were right the first time, I am what Adam Devine complains about. Just not with regards to the death of cinematic comedy.He knows what he did.
“Vampires Sucks looks kinda funny. Thanks AV Club.” MCpatD X – Prop Master of Vampires Suck.
Go ahead and watch a late era Friedberg and Seltzer comedy and tell us how good it is. Please I beg you.
You should get that massive head injury you’ve obviously sustained checked out by a medical professional.
I didn’t think I’d ever watch a Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer movie but a couple of the jokes in that trailer were pretty solid. Most of it wasn’t, but I chuckled at the werechihuahua.
Looking for a movie about Vampires that suck, but doesn’t suck.
As Count Dracula awoke one evening from uneasy dreams he
found himself transformed in his coffin into a gigantic
insect.
…whatjust, what
I’d tell you to watch the movie for context, but I cannot honestly do that to anyone… ;)Seeing the name Dario Argento on that thing is really sad..
Argento was always a hack
Maybe a hot horror take, but is it really sad? The man obviously had a fantastic eye but I’ve never thought much of his narrative chops.
Even of you’re not much of a fan of his classics, Dracula is a long tumble down for a legendary director in every respect.
That’s probably fair. I actually am a fan of most of his work, at least as a visualist. But I’m the rare horror hound who prefers Guadagnino’s Suspiria to Argento’s. I’m a narrative guy and Argento is decidedly not story focused.What’s sort of funny is I forgot I made the Argento comment and saw your response. And for a second I thought I had mentioned Bram Stoker’s Dracula, which I absolutely LOVE despite its admitted faults. Coppola sometimes eats shit for that movie but I’m a bit of a stan for it. It’s undoubtedly ridiculous but… I dunno. It hits a lot of my buttons, including my fondness for the ridiculous.
Coppola’s Dracula deserves the Top Spot on the Best Vampire Movies list. One of my favourite movies. Period.
I’ll never outright deny criticisms of Keanu’s acting but I think his Jonathan Harker is actually pretty great. Yeah, the accent doesn’t really work but it’s a solid performance. He gets the formality of the character, the desperation, the pressure of being a young professional… It’s just the accent that people can’t look past. I’d say the same about Ryder. Look past the accent, people.ETA: FWIW, in light of your profile pic, I also have a soft spot for Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, the Branagh one. It’s not as good as Dracula but there’s still a lot to like. And I’m a long time fan of Branagh’s Shakespeare adaptations so I have a bias.
Not being a native English speaker, I can’t really judge English accents, so I never had that problem. He’s a bit dull and lifeless in the role, but that’s kinda the point of Jonahthan Harker in this version, after all – to be a counterpoint to Dracula’s ironically much more vivid persona.And I agree on Branagh’s Frankenstein. Highly underrated. He and DeNiro make an amazing creator/creature coupling.
Good thing it was filmed in stereoscopic. I’m sure it made the movie so much better. /sPoor Rutger Hauer.
The top tier special effects really only work in 3D. It’s like Avatar.
James Woods isn’t just an unlikeable protagonist. He’s unlikeable period.
Agree. I thought that was kind of his thing, though. His niche. Even in something like Salvador, where he was the protagonist, he wasn’t supposed to be likable. The only think I can really say he was likable in was Hercules.
You’ll be amazed at how unlikable he is on twitter!
You mean “Jimmy”…Jimmy Woods.
Long live the new flesh!
To be totally fair to James CordenIIRC he wasn’t trying to be especially wholesome around 2009; this was coming off the back of Gavin and Stacey, in which he was known more as the uncouth laddish one. The family friendly stuff would come later. Lesbian Vampire Killers is still shit, though, I’ll give you that one.
He was actually…OK…jesus, can’t believe I typed that…as the titular hangman’s assistant in Pierrepoint.
The thing I remember most about Van Helsing is that there’s a bit when Kate Beckinsale kills one of Dracula’s brides and she makes the exact same-in-theory “When you have to shoot, shoot” joke that Tuco makes in The Good, The Bad and the Ugly after killing the bounty hunter who got the drop on him. Except when Beckinsale did it she seemed to deliver an entire essay herself, thus completely spoiling the joke.
I’m out after slide #2. While Dracula 2000 isn’t the greatest vampire film, it offers one of the most interesting takes on the vampire legend in film. And John Carpenter’s “Vampires” is no. 2? Yeah, I think whoever made this list just populated it with random vampire flicks. “Vampires” is a great film with a lot of “re-watch” value. And, come on: James Woods!
Enjoyed Underworld when it came out, Scott Speedman bruh! Also, the “Once Bitten” slander will not be tolerated! It was one of those bad 80’s movies that you just watched when it came on. Jim Carrey playing it straight is also something of a unique artifact.
Underworld – I find it less bad than aggressively mediocre. I would not be surprised if anyone unfamiliar with the movie would scroll past it and assume that it was just a quick attempt to cash in on the Matrix, but with vampires. I haven’t seen it in years, but IIRC the hybrid werewolf-vampire creature at the end looked pretty lame too. But all that said, it was a perfectly fine way to kill a few hours when I was back home from college.Van Helsing – I went in with high-ish expectations and was pretty disappointed. The guy who did The Mummy taking on other horror properties with his distinct high energy/fun take seemed like a winner on paper but the movie itself was an over-stuffed mess. And tonally, it seemed like Jackman and Beckinsale were in one movie and the rest of the cast was in a different one.
The biggest thing I remember about Van Helsing is that the musical score was at like a 9 or 10 on the excite-o-meter the entire time, there was no tension because it was *too* high energy.
Underworld has Kate Beckinsale in a catsuit and Michael Sheen and Bill Nighy having a great time, and that goes a long way.Van Helsing is all kinds of shit but especially the ending. I feel bad for Richard Roxburgh, an actor I love for the Aussie TV show Rake. But he’s had a pretty cool career.
He seems like the guy you get if you cannot afford Stuart Townsend, and Stuart Townsend seems like the guy you get if you cannot afford Johnny Depp.
I assume Stuart Townsend was in your mind from the slideshow. But there is no comparison. Roxburgh still has a career.
Your guy may be great, but I would not know it from this film.
True, but as I said, that movie is all kinds of shit.
Yeah – I WILL NOT HEAR AN UNKIND WORD ABOUT ROXBURGH.Poor bastard should stay away from Hollywood but – he was in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (or, as some called it “We spent 95% of the casting budget on Connery”) prior to VH, and then after VH played – oh god, I cannot believe I have to type this – “Dr. Keith Orbit” in Stealth.On other other hand, he got to play Hawkie twice – including including in The Crown Season 4, where I hope most internationals will recognise him.
Bill Nighy is fabulous in Underworld: “Seleeeene…”
Bill Nighy is a treasure. He can comfortably act in a serious prestige picture and in the corniest B-movie and always gives his best performance whether or not the material deserves it.
That’s a very common characteristic of British actors. There’s no agonising over whether something is a “worthy” role. Are you getting paid? Then you turn up and do the best job you’re capable of, just like in any other profession. (There are probably some exceptions, especially among the creme of British actors, but most really just see it as a job.)
I think the article also *massively* underestimates how exciting Underworld was for those of us who played the White Wolf games. It’s the closest we got to a screen adaptation.
Minor correction here: Sleepwalkers may be King’s first original feature film screenplay, but a year or two prior he developed and wrote most of the short lived original television series Golden Years, which began life as an older novel he had started writing but never gotten around to completing.
I remember watching most of Stephen King’s Golden Years back when it first aired, and finding it reasonably engrossing; from time to time I wonder if I should track it down and revisit it…
I have no idea why, but I have a soft spot for Vampires. Maybe it was the fact that I saw it in the theater with friends. I do love that central conceit of the Catholic Church having a secret vampire-hunting department.
Yeah, Vampires should definitely not be on this list. Obviously a lot of people on this site hate James Woods for his politics, but Vampires still had the old John Carpenter treatment working.
“How can it be the same movie if I’ve gone from being a tightly-wound convenience store clerk, to an unlikeable badass vampire hunter? Uh-huh … uh-huh … that’s actually a pretty good explanation.”
You’re you and I’m me.
To be fair, we also hate him for being a creep who goes after teenage girls
I hate James Woods for his politics, but I still wouldn’t necessarily put Vampires on this list. I’ll unironically watch and enjoy it for the goofy popcorn action flick it is.
I’m a fan too. It’s a film that knows it’s trash and just about every actor besides Daniel Baldwin is having a great time with it. Maybe he was too, but his Baldwin-ness was overtly distracting. The rapport between Woods and the priest is great.
Daniel, the 4th ranked Baldwin brother! Who kinda looks like a caricature of Alec.
He’s only 3rd. Stephen had to be demoted a while back.
Exactly this.
He looks like Alec Baldwin playing an SNL parody of Alec Baldwin.
It introduced me to a life long love of Johnny Carpenter, so it will always hold a soft spot in my heart.My father and I randomly quote parts of the film to each other for decades.
I have a soft spot for Stigmata for similar reasons. I like the idea of Byrne’s “miracle investigator”. It’s not as crazy as vampire hunters but it’s still interesting.
I feel that. I’m kind of a Gabriel Byrne mark so I probably like that one more than most people do as well.
As a fellow Byrne mark I probably don’t have to say this but IF you haven’t seen it I *highly* recommend the first three seasons of In Treatment. I haven’t tried the fourth without him and probably won’t (I like Uzo Aduba but Byrne was the primary draw of those first three) but his seasons? Oh man… so good…
I actually haven’t – thank you for the recommendation!
Sure! It’s also a really interesting show from a screenwriting POV because the show is mostly therapy sessions so the dialogue is naked exposition but you forgive it. When I teach dialogue in my screenwriting classes I often tell students that you can get away with a lot of exposition in specific settings like therapy, police interrogations, church confessionals, etc. If you need a character to dump an info load put them in a setting where exposition actually makes sense.
I saw it on a date. I love it.
So, the first 30 Days of Night movie was quite good. I’m a, uh, sucker for movies set in Alaska or otherwise similar cold, dark climates.
yeah, I liked it. The vampires are just scummy and brutal, as they should be.
Yeah I was surprised to see that in the header image; I had no idea there was a sequel. The original is solid. Villain Danny Huston is always welcome.
Everything on this list besides maybe Lesbian Vampire Killers or Bloodrayne looks pretty darn good compared to tons and tons of movies like say, Dracula Vs Frankenstein (either version!) or Zoltan Hound of Dracula or Lust for a Vampire or whatever. If the list was titled “worst US vampire movies that were at least somewhat mainstream that released after 1985″ instead of “worst of all time” maybe this would be accurate. I miss when the people that wrote these articles had at least some depth of knowledge of the subject, like that fun “weirdest vampires of all time” article from back in the golden age of AV Club.
First, I love the Garth Marenghi picture and second I love Dracula vs Frankenstien (Al Adamson picture) and Zoltan unironically. But I also love bad 70’s horror films.
I spent a minute searching for the Garth Marenghi vampire movie until I realized you were referring to a profile picture.
Now I’m wishing such a thing existed…
Lesbian Vampire is solidly okay funny, but if you title your movie Lesbian Vampire Killers, it’s an easy target.
Is it the killers or the vampires who are lesbians?
Yeah, the problem with a “worst of” list (well, one of the problems, but let’s not pull that thread) is that there are deep, deep depths of badness to be plumbed if you’re talking about all of cinema.
Yes. The classic example of “worst movie of all time” is generally given as Ed Wood’s “Plan 9 from Outer Space”, but that is a cinematic masterpiece compared to some of the dreck that they dredged up for MST3K, many of which would be completely unwatchable if it wasn’t for the banter added.
I’d say even Manos isn’t the worst; I think Torgo saves it from that dishonor.
“Silence!”“…is golden!”“SILENCE!”“…IS GOLDEN!”
I’m thinking of you, Manos the Hands of Fate. And The Castle of Fu Manchu. And the Creeping Terror. You are absolutely right. Rifftrax is doing a good job of finding other “classics” – did you see “Dangerous Men”?
My two buddies and I write and record our own riffs. We did Dangerous Men and then like a month later we saw it on the Rifftrax site. I was happy to see quite a few similar or duplicate gags.I dread the day they cover Geteven/Road to Revenge/Champagne & Bullets.
That movie (Dangerous Men)….WOOF.
(Toejam & Earl music)BOYFRIEND STAB(GOODBYE MY LOVE GOODBYE)“Take me with you!”Fucking bananas.“She’s God’s gift to a hen-pecked husband!”Ba-na-nas.
Yeah, none of these shit their own pants the way Dracula Rising does.
Yes!Maybe “Worst Mainstream Vampire Films of the last few decades” but not the worst. Not that at all.
I offer for your consideration Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001) – IMDb .Seems that with the Second Coming on the agenda, Jesus can’t return to Earth until the vampire scourge has been eliminated. So Jesus has to do a little coffin cleaning in preparation for the big day. Made with a budget of $0.37 and a script written a couple weeks after the movie was filmed, it’s everything you didn’t know you didn’t want in a musical comedy horror about the Messiah.
Say what you like about “Blade Trinity,” no way is it bad enough to keep “Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter” off this list.
Also, “Lesbian Vampire Killers” was a movie that completely failed to live up to its title.
The title is confusing. Are they lesbians that kill vampires? Are they killers of lesbian vampires? Or are they lesbian vampires that kill?
It’s a concert documentary. Vampire Weekend opening for The Killers at an amphitheater on the Greek island of Lesbos.
They kill lesbian vampires, the most evil vampires of all (oh, calm yourselves to a mild froth. I’m having a giggle at one of the worst films ever made). Basically – there’s a village in England where every girl, upon reaching her eighteenth birthday or some shite like that, is cursed to turn into a demonic blood-sucking hellbitch or some shite like that. And only the prophesied “chosen one” (wielding a very phallic sword, I might add) can stop them.It was shite.
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Again I ask, how was James Corden ever a thing?
Shockingly – even annoyingly – Corden was once a really good actor. He became well-known to us Brits for appearing in a show called Fat Friends but also because of his involvement – and creation of – Gavin & Stacey. That show must have been good because the fucking Americans tried to remake it for “American audiences” (funny they never tried remaking Fat Friends…)He’s your problem now. *casts protective salt circle around the UK and Ireland*
The great thing about being a lesbian vampire is that you’ve got a guaranteed source of blood once a month.
That’s a version of of the classic linguistic puzzle of “pretty little girls’ school”. Is it a school for pretty little girls? Is it a school for girls that happens to be pretty little? Etc.
Seems pretty obvious: killers of lesbian vampires.
Common mistake: Lesbian Vampire Killers is the name of the doctor. You’re thinking of Lesbian Vampire Killers’ Monster.
Needs a well placed hyphen if you know what I mean.
Yes.
How did anyone dislike the Abe Lincoln film? It was a very fun action-comedy and the idea of slave-owners-as-vampires is a great idea that someone more talented will pick up and run with someday. I could think of a couple black writers who could scribe a killer comic book centered on the conceit. Though I am thinking of the horrendous makeup they used to try and make Mary Elizabeth Winstead look old.
One glaring miss from the list is “Way of the Vampire” which was in the top10 worst movies of IMDB for quite a while in the 00’s. Damn, one could not consume enough alcohol to make it tolerable in bad movie night.
I think the Blade 2 should have made to list too. It was just so bad compared to excellent first movie. But great call on the ALVH, dang it was bad.
However I think the title of the “Lesbian Vampire Killers” has to one of the best ever. I mean one just has to add it to bad movie night repertoir if not seen it yet, on title alone.
Personally I’d throw the Lost Boys in there, but I may be in a minority here.
Strongly disagree, but any of the sequels would have qualified.
You have a minority opinion for sure. Lost Boys is beloved by horror fans. That movie made vampires scary and fun!
I will watch Vampires and Blade 3 (they both aren’t good) over and over instead of Dracula: Dead and loving it.That piece of shit was a bore and so bad me and my 4 friends who saw it together in 1995 can tell you what theater we saw it in and how they wanted to murder me and one of the other guys who suggested that piece of shit.
Anything by/featuring Mel Brooks is automatic for me. Same goes for Leslie Nielsen. I love that film though. Just recently downloaded it to watch again.
Few movies have given me a joke as perfect as“She’s nosferatu.”“You mean she’s Italian?!?”
The only joke that was good in that movie was Renfield running in a square, saying he is so smart he lost them. Outside of that it was Mel Brooks who lost his fastball and Nielsen as well who were scary movie 3+ on level bad in 1995. It was lame humor to most my fellow POC I knew and it’s why the movie did so poorly. Just awful.
1) Humor is subjective, as I’m sure you know.2) As such, my point stands. I love the joke I posted. That’s all the interaction necessary here.
I maintain that Dracula 2000 has a bunch of good ideas that are absolutely undercut by how campy everyone is in the movie.The basic premise that Van Helsing stole Dracula’s long life so he can keep him imprisoned? The flashback where Van Helsing captures Dracula by tricking him with mirrors? Dracula’s mortal identity was at least original and explained most of his vampire weaknesses. All of these were really good ideas.The acting? Terrible.
Although I was entertained by Dracula 2000, it did feel like one of those movies that at some stage it its development was actually aiming to be really good, and then someone high up said “never mind, just make some popcorny crap”. Like Oblivion, say.
It’s CRIMINAL that John Carpenter’s Vampires made the list but Embrace of the Vampire did not.
It’s criminal that they didn’t refer to it by it’s correct title, “John Carpenter’s Vampire$”.
Vampires does not have naked Alyssa Milano….
My god THAT’s why I remember the name of that film.Woof.
Only reason to watch it.
Embrace of the Vampire is one of the greatest achievements in the history of cinema.
It is my headcannon that Jane Krakowski’s appearance is Cirque DeFreak is actually one of her 30 Rock character’s failed attempt at breaking into movies.The Movie is bad and her character is bizarre enough that it would make for great scenes with Liz and Frank trying to pretend they really liked her work really getting into the head of a character than can grow back her limbs if they are chopped off.
James Woods proves a deeply unlikeable protagonist…James Woods is deeply unlikable.Ha, I took my stepchild to see Twilight. We were talking about it afterward and I said it seemed to be a metaphor for teen angst. She asked, “What’s that?” and I proceeded to define metaphor. She interrupted, “I know what a metaphor is. What’s angst?”
James Woods is a great actor who has perfected playing unlikeable sleezeballs. End of.
“I know what a metaphor is. What’s a ‘teen’?”
I explained the same thing to a class full of kids taking a duel credit college course. They looked baffled but interested at least.
Pistols or sabers?
Snark. They were somewhat proficient.
Not as much fun when walking by a magnet.
Meh. There enough magnetism in the class. Despite the snark we all stuck together.
You sound smart. Magnets: How do they work?
Once Bitten is a national treasure. Please correct the article.
One nasty bit of homophobia (even by 80s standards) aside, it’s a pretty funny movie.
The 60s had about a hundred B-movie vampire movies. How can this list be “…of all time”.
Time rebooted in the 80s.
Come on, man.Even John Carradine knew it was garbage.“My worst film? That’s easy, a thing called Billy the Kid Versus Dracula…It was a bad film. I don’t even remember it. I was absolutely numb!”
The movie is redeemed by how they kill Dracula, though (…………spoilers here, obvs……………………). Billy faces off against him in a cave and starts blasting away at him with his gun. The bullets just go right through without hurting Drac, so Billy just takes the gun and chucks it right at Vlad’s head. It knocks Vlad down and they stake him, boom, movie over. It’s great. That being said, the rest of the movie is terrible, for sure.
It’s like when the bad guys in The Adventures of Superman would get frustrated and throw their guns, but it actually worked! Maybe that’s where they got the idea.
I would have thought it would have been Vampire Hookers, although he may have done that movie after he was asked that question.
I haven’t seen it in quite a while but I actually enjoyed Blade: Trinity for the most part even if it slogs in the third act, and that blurb should at least mention how Parker Posey steals every scene she’s in. There’s also some fun smaller parts for Natasha Lyonne, Patton Oswalt, and John Michael Higgins.
I don’t remember the specifics, but apparently Snipes was an absolute pain while filming that movie. I want to say the CGIed his eyes open in one seen because he refused to open them himself. But yeah, the supporting cast made it somewhat watchable, IMO.
There was one bit of ‘Blade: Trinity’ I genuinely liked, and it’s when Blade calls Dracula a motherfucker, to which Drac responds, “Motherfucker. I like that.”I don’t even know why I enjoyed that part, but I did.
And don’t forget Triple H as… Parker Posey’s boyfriend???
Wait, did I miss something, or is Morbius not on this list?
They’re saving that for next month’s The 1 Worst Living Vampire Film of All Time, Ranked slideshow.
That’s less a “movie” and more “Jared Leto taking one last running jump at remaining in the public consciousness”.
Underworld may be a bit too slick and easy for its own good, but it’s very entertaining. I can’t argue with the rest of this list.
I found it very enteraning. It is also rather uncomortably sexy.
I can never hate Dracula 2000 because of the hilarious scene where Dracula discovers and immediately falls in love with the band Monster Magnet.
When I watched this movie a few years ago I wasn’t emotionally ready for how accurately it would capture the year 2000 (i.e. it has a Virgin Megastore in it).
It really is the most 2000 movie ever made because one of Dracula’s victims is singer Vitamin C.
When the movie came out, I WORKED at a Virgin Megastore, and when we found out the store was heavily featured, me and a bunch of our co-workers went out en masse’ to see it.
Things that were accurate about working at Virgin: Employees absolutely just strolled away from work without notice because they had a weird vision or whatever.
Things that were NOT accurate about working at Virgin: They definitely made Hollywood-adapted tailored and fitted versions of the Virgin Megastore shirts instead of the unflattering drapey sacks we really wore.
This is the stuff we need to have on record about our movies for posterity. Where’s Leonard Maltin when you need him?
‘Dracula 2000′ wasn’t just a title; it was a commitment.
I love a majority of what’s on this list, save for Lesbian Vampire Killers. Never even heard of it. I believe I have Kiss of the Vampire on one of the DVD sets I copped at Walmart years ago though. Gotta check. If I do, I’m going to watch it this week. But, yeah, disagree with this.
To this day whenever a bunch of people disperses and I’m left with a much smaller group I say “It’s just you and me, Clovis” and obvs no one has any idea what I’m referencing (sorry for the annoying video link) (It’s the final line in Sleepwalkers)
Nice list of random vampire movies, AVClub!
At least it wasn’t just data scraped by a fucking bot.
The idea of a vampire being invisible on a television camera or on film goes back a little before that Dracula 2000 shite (back then you would be amazed to learn that Gerard Butler still spoke with a Scottish accent!) – it goes back to a television show from 1998 called Ultraviolet where vampires could roam around London pretty much at ease without worry of being recorded because they were invisible on CCTV. It was the first time I remember seeing modern weapons being utilised against vampires that made some logical sense – carbon bullets instead of stakes through the heart (with the gloriously awful-for-the-90s CG image of a vampire exploding from the dual combo of being poked in the rib cage and being shot by a superheated slug of carbon), gas grenades filled with a concentrated garlic-based gas and, most brilliant of all – weapons equipped with video cameras so the user could spot the undead without relying on a mirror, lol.
The vampires themselves were pretty horrifying themselves – not in appearance but in action. They could seduce their victims, sure (the image of a 90s-hot Jack Davenport about to get sucked on by his bezzie mate, a pre-True Blood Stephen Moyer, still gets me, ahem, hot under the collar), but they were…well – they were emotionless. They didn’t give a shit about who they turned or how old they were (there’s a pretty horrific scene involving a child vampire and a paedophile, not to mention one of the lead characters admitting that her daughter should have been one of twins…) and their end-goal was – at the time – a rather new and fresh take on vampire legends. Oh, and when the vampires are dusted in this show? They don’t die. They get hoovered up, dropped in a vial and stored in a vault.Oh, and it had Idris Elba in it so that was always going to be a plus in my books.
It’s quite funny, watching all of the modern vampire films and seeing the little things that a show like Ultraviolet did and thinking “did they watch that show too?” Especially the video camera stunt. Oh, and the fingerprint stunt.
So, if Vampires are invisible on film then how come we have so many Vampire movies…. sorry had to write it LOL
Particularly if you take Shadow of the Vampire as fact and that Nosferatu was played by an actual vampire.
Ultraviolet was a truly amazing show, with a take on genre that would still be fresh today if it had just come out. Of every vamp show or movie you’ve ever seen, it had by far the most realism-based take on what vampires would be after or how they might truly behave if they really existed in the world.I truly wish they had made more episodes, or that the US version they tried to make had worked. Just a really stunning show.
Ultraviolet was very underrated. It absolutely shows what a star Elba is, he really leaps off the screen in a supporting role.
Ultraviolet is the yardstick by which I measure fiction that takes a “let’s make it realistic” approach to classic monsters. I absolutely adored this show and was always torn on the American version we almost had. One the one hand, more Ultraviolet! On the other hand, it likely would have been dumbed down to just another procedural. The one bright spot is Idris Elba was signed to do the US pilot. Can you imagine the arc of his career if the US Ultraviolet had gone to series and ran for a few years?
Someone else remembers ‘Ultraviolet’! What I loved most about that show was the kind of mundane but relentless dread it developed. Like, vampires were just a constant threat that the heroes were barely dealing with, but aside from them the setting was so low-key.
Although it never comes up in the novel, Bram Stoker himself already had the idea that if someone tried to photograph Count Dracula, the photo would either not show him or show him distorted and corpse-like.
Wait, that Milla Jovivich film was based off a British TV show?I still list that as one of the worst films I have ever paid to see.
Maybe it’s because I saw it when I was like 8, but I love Vampire in Brooklyn.
I rewatched it fairly recently, and it’s pretty fun! No masterpiece or anything, but certainly an entertaining diversion.
The strongest memory I have of watching Sleepwalkers as a kid was watching the scenes of the cats running down the street with their tails sticking straight up in the air. I remember thinking what in hell did they do to those poor cats to get them all to do that. I felt sorry for the cat wrangler.
I’ll watch Underworld every single time it randomly comes up while Youtube clip- or channel-surfing. It may be shlocky, but the actors are so intensely committed to the shlock that I can’t help but love it. It’s all one big scenery-chewing contest (that Bill Nighy arguably wins).
Yep, the Underworld trilogy are movies that I will definitely watch every time they’re on. I think 2 others were made, but they were the worst garbage imaginable. Think Highland 2 bad.
Huh. I always thought Underworld was one of the good ones. The sequels are pretty bad though.
Agreed. The first film doesnt belong on this list.For Bill Nighy alone it doesnt belong.
I also vote it off the list for Bill Nighy.And Kate Beckinsale in skin-tight leather – yowza!
I’m a fan of the first 3. There were others, but they were just bad period.
The Queen of the Damned movie hurts my heart! I love the book so much. That movie was a very poor adaptation of The Vampire Lestat and Queen of the Damned. I still love the music though! I am hoping the the AMC show does justice to both books after they finish adapting Interview with the Vampire. I think they have done a great job of adapting the story (even when it deviates from the book) in a way that is true to the spirit of the source material. So far my only real complaint is I don’t like who they cast as Armand.
Are they planning to keep going beyond the Interview book? I never really read Rice but would enjoy if the same folks who did the most recent show kept adapating her material. I know theres, uh, a small library.
AMC has claimed they are building an entire TV universe based off of Rice’s Vampire Chronicles and The Lives of the Mayfair Witches. Streaming is so volatile though that who knows if they will make it beyond finishing the second half of Interview. They were in production in Europe when the strike hit. The adaptation they did of The Witching Hour was god awful. I was hate watching it.
The Witching Hour sucked big time. I couldn’t finish it.
I found Queen of the Damned to be a memorizing train wreck. The sound track was good though.
I agree! I still watch it years later for the aesthetic and the music.
Happy to see that Vampire’s Kiss didn’t make the list. Say what you will about Blade Trinity, and there’s a lot to say, it’s production delays led to Ryan Renyolds being introduced to…*drum roll* DEADPOOL!
And the worst, nonsensical line ever written that I still quote goes to…
“You think that line about motherfuckers skating uphill was ridiculous? You ain’t heard nothing yet!’
“Lick some jizz off my dick”Oh its stupid but it makes sense.
Well, you’re the expert. 😏
This dude gets it! Reynolds literally channels Wade Wilson for 90 minutes.
For all that can be said about the movies on this list, Lesbian Vampire Killers is still the one that stoods out to me as the most astonishingly bad.With every other movie here, I can see the initial concept being pitched and why people thought there might be something there. Even with Bloodrayne as it’s just what Uwe does. Sure, the execution and/or the script might falter, but you get the concept that it had been sold on.Lesbian Vampire Killers is just such an insane and tone-deaf thing to do even as joke, even in 2009. Like it is a movie where I legitimately feel half of the crew was awkwardly glancing at each other in embarrassement because it isn’t just about it being bad.
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter deserves a spot on this list!
Only like maybe two or three of these actually deserve to be on the list. Sleepwalkers, Bloodrayne and Lesbian Vampire Killers are all genuinely really deeply bad movies, but this misses the depth of really schlocky bad horror movies out there. Most of these are fairly slick and mainstream, but even then… the Forsaken? Rise: Bloodhunter? Priest?We can do so much worse than Van Helsing.
A lot of these movies no one’s ever heard of, especially near the top 5. Clearly the genre’s done pretty well if we have to dig into rando titles no one’s seen anyway. Weak list!Thoughts on a few of these that maybe a few people have seen:Van Helsing is legitimately terrible on every level. Wastes Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckingsale when each were at peak hotness.Sleepwalkers isn’t a vampire movie. It’s sort of adjacent, and would be fine to add to the list with a caveat about that, but without that caveat doesn’t make sense.Vampires (1998 version) had a fun idea in taking vampires out of their typical gothic setting to the Southwest. But the movie is indeed terrible.
Best tag line ever
That movie could be deeply, irredeemably horrible, and that tagline alone would save it from being on this list.
That’s fantastic.
I guarantee watching the “It was a dream” twist at the end of Twilight Breaking Dawn in a packed theater at the time of release was one of the best all time movie going experiences period.I have seldom had a movie going thrill like being in a room full of screaming freaking out Twilight die-hards watching as the movie tricked them into believing they were changing the benign anti-climactic ending of the novel into a visceral massacre. It was awesome. One of the best movie fake-outs ever, and probably the best sequence in those films. Who on earth is ridiculing it?
Aw, I interpreted that as meaning the whole ‘saga’ was just a dream, which would have been far funnier in my opinion.
Article equivalent of shooting fish in a barrel.
Van Helsing wasn’t very good but it’s portrayal of Frankenstein was about the best portrayal in modern cinema.
The “Lesbian Vampires” trailer looked like James Corden half-assedly attempting a Nick Frost impression. Like he saw the trailer for “Shaun of the Dead” one time and rolled with it.
THE FIRST TWO UNDERWORLD FILMS ARE EFFING CLASSICS, YOU MORONS!!!!
I’m just happy to see Suck (2009) left off this list, as it’s an under-appreciated gem
How dare you put John Carpenter’s Vampires in there?!!?
I think it’s childish to blame the movie for James Woods’ character not being likeable, since I think he was willingly written that way. The priest is the real protagonist, and Daniel Baldwin’s character is also very relatable imho.
Once Bitten is a classic and I will broker no disagreement!
I knew Dracula 2000 would be on the list. Lo and behold, it’s the first entry. Bookending a list like this seems fitting. It can’t even be the best at being the worst.
I used to follow Scott Derrickson on Twitter (back when I still bothered with Twitter) and Dracula being Judas Iscariot was his addition. Seriously wish that had been the whole movie, ‘cause that was easily the most memorable part.
But other than that? The film is…shall we say impressively stupid.
The Twilight saga makes me think of an old joke from Dave Attell: “You ever make fun of something so much you feel you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?”
My basic formula for Twilight movies is that their enjoyment is heavily dependent on how much Michael Sheen is in each one. He lights up the screen every time he appears. It’s so silly and I love it so.
This is decidedly not a list of the 16 worst vampire films. Underworld had four sequels, and those returns were diminishing.
disloyal script…That’s a new one.
Lesbian Vampire Killers is the worst UK low budget Vampire film ever made by a long shot, and bear in mind this is a world where 1990’s I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle exists.
What? No “Vampire Boys?”
… why does this article exist? Who needs this information. I like vampire stuff and I’m just like…. who is using this list? Other than just mocking fans of vampire stuff which… sucks?
To any vamp fans looking for a recommendation, I reeeeally enjoyed “Midnight Mass” on Netflix. They never say the word “vampire” but it’s a vampire thing.
Cornily. Just use the word corny (a real word) and a comma, champ.
How is “cornily” not a real word?https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/cornily
As a vampire fan (no guys, I’m sorry but Renfield did actually come before Guillermo) I’d like to shout “Renfield!” in a Leslie Nielsen voice. If you know, you know.
I saw Dead And Loving it as a kid and honestly, perhaps this is rose-tinted glasses but, it’s still one of my favourite films. Leslie Nielsen draping his cape over a vicitim followed by the sounds of a straw slurping will never not be hilarious to me.
Did anyone else notice the article about NC-17 ratings that was written by an AI on the homepage? I think that’s the A.V. Clubs first AI article. Comments were turned off lmao wanna just start creating backlash on this article? lmao
commenters should develop a slide called “10 worst slideshows”.
Whoever compiled this list has bad taste. Blade: Trinity is decent. So is Underworld.
But the worst vampire movie I’ve seen is Ultraviolet, starring Milla Jovovich. That movie was so bad I walked out.
Eddie Murphy was actually good in Vampire in Brooklyn. The rest of the movie was a pile of butt. Including Angela Bassett’s performance, which surprised me.Queen of the Damned and Underworld are so beautiful and earnestly campy that they redeem their own awful. Blade: Trinity should have been able to pull off that magic too, but didn’t. It was just slow.
You put Dracula 2000 on this list and you didn’t even bother with the infinitely-worse Dracula 3000?
Casper Van Dein. Erika Eleniak. Udo Kier. Tiny Lister. COOLIO.
I adore Van Helsing! It’s a ridiculous film with gorgeous sets, ridiculous accents, and cool scenes. Plus David Wenham being adorable.
Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter…
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I’ll defend John Carpenters Batshit Vampire Film and Vamprire in Brooklyn as dearly beloved camp films. Especially the former, it led teenage me to the altar of Carpenter and from there a genuine appreciation of cinema. Underworld is fun if terminally stupid, Kate Beckinsale in a leather outfit with automatics is never a wrong idea.Blade Trinity is what led to people saying “Wait, Reynolds is just doing Wade Wilson. They should make a Deadpool flick”. While it was clear the franchise had stayed too long, there were still some pretty funny moments in that movie. And Queen of the Damned gave us that sick David Drahmin song.I reject your list, unless you retitled it “Worst Mainstrem Vampire Films”.Really, some of these are on a different level of “bad”, if not different galaxy.
While I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a good movie, Van Helsing is cheesy fun and has some great ideas and moments in it. I guess maybe I’d put it on a guilty pleasure list, but I wouldn’t call it bad, either.
Wow a bunch of obvious, recent shit. What a terrible list.
I’m sorry but I can’t take any list like this seriously if it omits “Love at First Bite” with Susan Saint James and George Hamilton. I mean. C’mon.
Story. The 1st time I saw Love at First Bite was movie night at a World scifi convention. That’s all.
Vampire in Brooklyn is about half a good vampire comedy. Maybe only a third, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen it. If Murphy hadn’t been so insistent on playing multiple parts (of characters who added nothing to the movie) I think it could have been a lot of fun.And I wanted to like Vampire$ because the book was a lot of fun – just a crew of vampire hunters making a buck hunting vampires. And I don’t even mind James Woods too awful much. But jeez, the movie was just a meandering mess. One that didn’t make the list but maybe should have – Polanski’s Fearless Vampire Killers. I loved it when I was a kid, but saw it recently and oh boy is it a slog. I mean, Sharon Tate’s in it, which is fine,, and there’s a funny bit when someone tries to ward off a recently-made vampire with a cross, but the guy was Jewish, so: “…not THIS vampire..!” And the ballroom scene has some production values. But … it’s one of those movies I guess I shouldn’t have watched again because now it’s jut no good….
Is the lesbian vampires one the one that James Franco made?
Did Dracula: Love at First Bite not even join the chat? I mean, maybe not, George Hamilton is pretty charming. I generally try not to remember Vampires or Ghosts of Mars exist. Does Ultraviolet count?
Ultraviolet absolutely counts, if only for the stunningly awful decision to have a grand finale fight in pitch fucking darkness. Let’s have a set piece, and not show it to the audience. BRILLIANT!
My man… this is not batman shooting people in the dark as a tetragrammaton monk. This was not a revisitation of a novel idea. This was stupid.
The rest of the movie was awesome tho.
Wasn’t it also lambasted for having a big fight where the elevator closes on her and a bunch of guys and then opens and they’re all knocked out…as in the finale apparently wasn’t the only fight they didn’t actually have in the movie? Compare to Captain America and Crossbones elevator fight.
Who the heck puts Underworld and 30 Days of Night on a list of bad vampire movies?
As others have pointed out, this isn’t really a list of the *worst* vampire movies, just some relatively recent vampire movies that are… easy to criticize. Putting Underworld in here is obviously just baiting people. And anyone who prefers a fun and creative failure to a work of unambitious mediocrity is likely to prefer Dracula 2000 to quite a lot of films in the genre.
Queen of the Damned is frankly better than it has any right to be given it was made just to hold onto the IP rights at the time. That doesn’t mean it’s good, but it somehow could have been so much worse.
No Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness? I’m disappointed. It may be one of the greatest bad films ever made. It’s the The Room of vampire movies. IT HAS COOLIO AS AN OVERACTING VAMPIRE. I mean c’mon
Take back what you said about Kate Beckinsdale wearing leather.
I saw Once Bitten in the theater.You don’t watch it for Jim Carrey. Actually you don’t watch it all. If you ever did watch it, you would have mentioned the person you did not mention…Lauren Hutton as the vampiress.
I liked Carpenters Vampires. Saw it when it came out in the theater.
Blade 1 actually was a New Line film and predated Marvel Studios by 10 years.
Why can’t protagonists be “deeply unlikeable”?
Underworld has Kate Beckinsale running around in a PVC catsuit, so it can’t be ALL bad.
Interesting that there are so many vampire movies with black characters. R@cist much?
“Gotti” with John Travolta should be added. Granted there are no vampires, but it’s so bad, it should be included with every “Worst Movie” category.