The 30 worst Christmas songs of all time, ranked
From ho ho hum tracks by Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber to bah humbug tunes by AC/DC and Afroman, these are the holiday songs you really need to avoid
Music Features christmas
Every holiday season, the same soundtrack can be heard throughout the land. “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree,” “All I Want for Christmas Is You,” “Jingle Bell Rock” and “Last Christmas” are on a constant loop during November and December, anchoring playlists that also find space for such enduring chestnuts as Frank Sinatra’s “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” Johnny Mathis’ “Sleigh Ride” and Nat “King” Cole’s “The Christmas Song.”
The Christmas canon is so set in stone that we sometimes forget that there have been countless holiday songs released over the years that don’t quite qualify as seasonal standards. These are the novelty tunes, satires, pranks, and misguided celebrations that constitute an alternative Christmas canon—the weird and terrible tunes that capture the excess of the holiday.
What follows is not a complete list of the strangest Christmas songs released over the years, but these seasonal oddities provide a pungent alternative to familiar favorites. They also make for one truly wild Christmas playlist if you dare to string them together.
241 Comments
I don’t get the inclusion of Mistress for Christmas. While it’s not a song I love, it’s exactly what one would want or expect from an AC/DC Christmas song.
I’ve never heard it, but I found the caption confusing. It sounds like it’s bad as a Christmas song, but it also sounds like it’s not supposed to be a Christmas song and is just supposed to be a funny, odd song on the album. It doesn’t seem to belong on any list of Christmas songs at all.
It certainly sounds like it is meant to be a Christmas song. It’s not on an album I ever play cover to cover, and I skip it if comes up on shuffle outside of Christmas. To me it is a Christmas song.
Was it released at Christmastime? That’s how I feel something is intended to be a Christmas song (which is a factor I feel militates against Die Hard being a Christmas movie lol).
In a world where we try to make non-Christmas songs (Hallelujah) Christmas songs, I don’t think the release date of a song that has Christmas in its title and features sleigh bells throughout matters. That has been going on for a long time though. Fun fact, Jingle Bells was not intended as a Christmas song.
Never thought of that re: Jingle Bells, but it doesn’t reference anything except going to see their grandmother in the winter.
I think you’re thinking of “Over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house we go”, which is also not a Christmas song. If I recall correctly that one was written for Thanksgiving.
Yeah I definitely conflated those two. Basically the same song.
It’s nuts that Hallelujah is a Christmas song. Like…have people listened to the actual lyrics? Though I guess there’s something about the song’s deep sadness that resonates for a lot of people this season.Ah, there are sleigh bells? Well that is a factor in the Christmas song column for sure. What was Jingle Bells? A coked out fantasy? Please say yes.
I read about the history of Jingle Bells once. I think it’s basically about young hooligans recklessly racing their horse-drawn sleighs in the snow. As a random aside, my family has an old “up north” place that has been in the family since the 1870s. There is a horse-drawn sleigh in the barn that I always thought would be super cool to try out if we ever had a horse, which is something highly unlikely to happen.
Wait, people are trying to make Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” into a Christmas song? I thought panthercougar was referencing Handel’s “Hallelujah Chorus”, which is also out of place for this holiday, though not nearly as much as “Hallelujah”…
>Handel’s “Hallelujah Chorus”It is usually sung in conjunction with For Unto Us A Child Is Born, which is about the Nativity. So that makes sense.
In reference to Hallelujah, there is a Christmas rewrite of the song to make it about the Nativity.
For that matter, Handel’s Messiah was written as an Easter piece. It does cover the Nativity, but it’s mostly about the Crucifixion and how that’s supposed to be a great gift to the world.
At least Hallelujah got a Christmas-style rewrite to be about the Nativity.
Not a new phenomenon. O Tannenbaum (O Fir Tree) got turned into a Christmas song over 100 years ago. The original song in German is now just short of 200 years old.
Then I guess Miracle on 34th Street isn’t a “Christmas Movie” as it came out on June 11, 1947.
I didn’t say it definitely wasn’t. I said it was a factor in the consideration. Do you generally draw entire conclusions based on one factor in consideration?
I somehow never heard this song until a couple of days ago. It sounds like a middle of the road AC/DC song, which is to say completely listenable, and the sentiment is perfectly rock and roll. NOT a worst-of candidate.
The 30 Worst Absolute BEST Christmas Songs Of All Time, Ranked. There, fixed it.
If they had this, it would be perfection.
I will not stand for the besmirching of the name of our country lord and western saviour Shunt McGuppin in such a low-down, hornswaggling manner.
“The God-damn JOURNEYMEN.”
Yeah. A lot of these seem like amazing offbeat novelties.
Maybe with the exception of Christmas Shoes being number 1. They got that one right, what a terrible, terrible song that is.
Without Christmas shoes we would never get the rant by Patton Oswalt about the song which is comedy gold
That is a good silver lining that didn’t occur to me.
I’ve never actually heard the song in real life — my sole reason for knowing the song exists is Patton Oswalt’s sketch about it.
You’re incredibly lucky to have avoided it for so long. Having the ability to better curate my seasonal music means I haven’t heard it in quite a few years, but it lives with you.
But without it, we wouldn’t have Patton Oswalt’s brilliant takedown of it (which I have put on many a Christmas mix for friends): (NSFW!)
It was a necessary evil for such a fantastic Patton Oswalt bit
Who puts Weird Al on ANY worst-of list?
Monsters!
When I was 9, “The Night Santa Went Crazy” was actually the hardest I had ever laughed at anything. I actually remember thinking, “Why can’t I stop laughing? This seems dangerous!” It’s still on of my favorite Christmas songs, a long with the Kinks, (god help me) “Christmastime in Hell,” and Kate Nash’s cover of “Merry Xmas Everyone” for the avclub back in 2010.
It’s a nice companion piece to Nature Trail to Hell.
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Discovering that Root Boy Slim song years ago remains one of the greatest Christmas gifts of my life.
I’ve never heard the Weather Girls song before, and it’s fantastic. The vocal performances alone should put it on a best-of list. How is the third worst Christmas song ever?
Agreed; this one’s definitely being added to my holiday playlist, it’s just far too much fun.
It’s an absolute banger.
Relax.
This list seems to be arranged in two directions at once, because the #1 is absolute garbage, but the ones leading up to it seem to be the best of a bad crop, like it genuinely didn’t seem to have anything actually bad to say about the Weird Al song beyond “sorta 90s” for a song from the 90s.
Christmas Shoes is at the top of the list where it belongs, but Dominick The Donkey should be a VERY close 2nd place.
And another thing, I fully admit to being sick and tired by “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”, but it’s a pretty darn popular sing that gets a lot of airplay every year. It’s weird to include it on a list of songs most people have never heard of (at least not in the versions listed here) and never get any radio play. Among songs that are on continuous loop ever December, I’m just as sick of “Last Christmas” as I am of GGROBaR, and the second song is way more creative.A more interesting piece might explore why a song like GGROBaR became a holiday staple even though it’s super annoying and not by a popular artist.
It’s cheeky in a way that was more rare at the time of release (and I actually would have thought it was much older than this, TBH), so it got traction as a novelty song. No more, no less.
I haaaaate Last Christmas. And because there are apparently so many covers of it by pop stars, the local radio station winds up playing it more than any other Christmas song. I can’t take it.
It’s an awful, lazy, boring song.
My grandmother LOVED GGROBaR. I think you’re underestimating the popularity with people who never got to hear about themselves in song before.
I feel like there was a time when it first came out that it was really fun, and then it got a bit annoying through overplay (but tbh, no more annoying than many other staples). It is nowhere near as annoying as Last Christmas, whose popularity has always been a mystery to me. It was the top Christmas song in the UK this year, and yeah, I get it, nostalgia, but it’s a total throwaway of a song.
Should’ve just been the 30 worst renditions of Santa, Baby.
I’d rank those in a tie for second place behind “Christmas Shoes”.
But I think we can all agree:Eartha Kitt version > Madonna version.I hate Madonna’s version…so MUCH…that…well, you know where I’m going with this.
Yeah, I actually like Kitt’s version; she knew how to walk the line between winking camp and playful seduction. Every other version of it I’ve heard, though, has been fingernails-on-a-chalkboard annoying.
I mean , other then the Earth Kitt one , it generally sounds like a lady who’s about to go down on Santa to get upgraded gifts ..*“Now now young lady I dont think Mrs Klaus would be hap….ooh .woahh..ohHolyShit!!!….YouCanGetWhateverYouWantOuttaMySackJustDontStop” (I assume theres already four erotic novels on Amazon with this premise , not counting Chuck Tingle’s “Santa Pounded me in the Ass, but then I got a Condo as a present”)
Should’ve just been EVERY rendition of Santa, Baby.Fixed it for you!
The headline (and subhead) indicate this is a list of the absolute worst of the season, but the introduction seems to indicate it’s more a collection of oddball and misfit songs that aren’t necessarily bad, and the list itself seems to take examples from both camps. It’s really quite confusing.Although if you do want to talk about genuinely bad songs, at least this list does choose the correct #1 for the dishonor. All the people who whine about “The Little Drummer Boy” or “The Twelve Days of Christmas” being the worst Christmas song of all time have obviously never heard “The Christmas Shoes”, and I envy them their ignorance.If anyone’s interested in just plain weird and off-kilter seasonal songs, there’s a few others I know of that weren’t covered here: Béla Fleck and the Flecktones manage to put a unique (mostly) instrumental spin on “The Twelve Days of Christmas”; Straight No Chaser turn Offenbach’s “Infernal Galop” into “The Christmas Can-Can”, lampooning the hurly-burly of the holidays and even lampshading how Christmas crowds out other seasonal celebrations; and Da Yoopers lament carrying out holiday errands in their “Rusty Chevrolet”.
agree 100% with The Christmas Shoes. absolute garbage.
Christmas Shoes is both weird and bad, and deserves that #1 placement. But the lack of the weird and bad “Wonderful Christmastime” on this list is baffling.
Agreed on all points. The headline is clearly at odds with the content here. But #1 and #2 do tie things up in a neat little bow.
I’m going to go ahead and say that including tracks by Spinal Tap and Weird Al seems to be missing the point, especially given that those write-ups aren’t all that critical.
20. The Royal Guardsmen, “Snoopy’s Christmas” (1967)
4. “Weird Al” Yankovic, “The Night Santa Went Crazy” (1996)
How dare you.HOW DARE YOU!
No “Wonderful Christmastime”? This list is trash.Though Christmas Shoes is a close second.
Wonderful Christmastime sounds like an 8th grader got his first synthesizer and decided to record a song for his family, all of whom sat smiling politely throughout and gave a tepid applause at the end. Years later it’s still a story that elicits hysterical laughter at Christmas dinner.
It’s a testament to the goodwill he earned as a Beatle that the world collectively decided to let him get away with that nonsense.
The fact that Christmas Shoes is not on this list makes it invalid.
It’s literally number 1.
Derp…for some reason I glazed over it
I guess you didn’t get to number 1 on the list…
Patton Oswalt’s takedown of that song is required listening.
Nevermind.
It’s literally the No. 1 song on the list…
Christmas Shoes is #1 on this list
Did someone tell you yet that “Christmas Shoes” is in fact on this list?
I’m sure someone has mentioned “Do They Even Know It’s Christmas.” If any song exists where the writers and performers deserve to be boiled alive in pudding and buried with stakes of holly through their hearts, it’s that one.
Thank God it’s them insteaaaaad of youuuuuuuuuu!
Mind you, I’m kind of a grinch, so I’m not a big fan of many Christmas songs, but Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime” tops the list of worst for me. It is just the laziest damn song, a lot of the runtime eaten up just repeating “Simply having a wonderful Christmastime”. It is just torture to listen to.
The fact that this song isn’t on this list negates the whole premise of this article.
It should have been at the top of the list.
Came here to say the exact same thing. That song is an abomination.
A song written by the same man who wrote “Helter Skelter.”
Came here to say this.
It sounds like he just opened a new Prophet-5 that he got for Christmas, started dicking around with the weird reverb effects, and adlibbed some lyrics.
This is almost word for word how I’ve always described the song. I’m confident the song itself is somehow longer than it took to write and record.
That’s not far from how it came to be (and it is a Prophet-5!). He _was_ just dicking around during the McCartney II sessions—on a brand new synth mind you. I’m convinced if he never released it as a proper track, and people just heard it on a bootleg or some deluxe edition of MII, they’d find his experimentation interesting (even if not all that good).
Pretty sure it’s a CS-80.
I remember someone on the interwebs put a story to the song – Paul and his friends are practicing witchcraft and whenever they sing the chorus, someone is about to discover them, so they’re covering. Lol.
Indeed. Yesterday, I got on a Paul McCartney / Wings kick on Youtube, and holy hell, but did that man shovel some banal music into the world. The problem often seems a matter of 12 bars of okay material, which is stretched into 4 minutes of ugh.
see, thats what i say, i dont hate the man, but for someone who is held in such regard, the man made some TERRIBLE music. and a lot of his live recordings have that silly shrieking that is less skilled vocalist work and more man shrieking like an enraged chimpanzee.
That song is a fucking war crime.
I think if The Shins version was the original people wouldn’t hate it nearly as much
For some reason I read this as “The Slit’s” version and now I’m disappointed. The song only leads to evil.
I was just about to comment something similar. The fact that it’s become a “staple” of the holiday while being completely grating and unpleasant to listen to just boggles my mind. The lyrics are awful and the melody itself is just really off sounding.
I’m so pleased this is the first comment.
I’ve never heard of the other one but my initial reaction was “wow, poor Paul’s going to have two in the top 10!”Because Wonderful Christmastime is 100%, hand-down the worst of the genre (not helped by its ubiquity).
That song actually makes me angry. I hate it that much. It sounds like he’s playing on an early 80’s Casio keyboard.
All the replies above our dead-on. It is a shitty, shitty Christmas song. I fucking hate “So This is Christmas,” too.
Why would you do that? I forgot about its existence until now. How did Lennon and McCartney suck so bad apart?
My personal feeling is the Beatles (and George Martin) were a true group effort. Yes, one of them may have written whatever song, but it took the contributions of the others, no matter how minor, to make that song into something.
That’s not to say they don’t have some great songs from their solo efforts. But it’s clear the magic came from them as a collective.
Definitely.
Yes, angry. It infuriates me. Every single little thing about it. Both in the recording itself and in its inevitable repetition in my head over and over and over and over, if I can’t get out of the room fast enough.
Macca is also an effective proponent of the non-Christmas, Christmas song. Mull of Kintyre was a Christmas number one, and the Frog Chorus is also inextricably linked with Christmas in the UK.But he’s still not responsible for as much outright Christmas season horror as Cliff.
I mean Mull of Kintyre is a banger , even if as a kid I thought it was about “Mulligans Tyre”. See also McCartney’s The Pipes of Peace. , but yeah there the hate for this seems to be a US thing more than the UK ? Possibly because Cliff churned out stuff like Saviours Day and Mistletoe and Wine (which ..well they’re not bad songs ..its just that they’re sort of slightly creepy and overtly christian , I mean even for Christmas , which started as a Christian holiday*), and we have that to hate on. , [I mean yeah the church hijacked Saturnalia/Nollaig and a load of other pagan winter festivals to create Christmas )
It is fucking unhinged that this isn’t on the list. I view it as the worst Christmas song of all time and one of my least favorite songs ever in general.
Wrong.
It’s actually the best Christmas song of all-time and is only hated because, secretly, everyone loves it – and they hate themselves for it.
I only clicked through the list to see where it would place. They mention it, but then, like, forgot to add to the top of the shitty tree?
Its weird , theres a gulf between US Christmas music , and UK/Ireland Christmas music (I could write a whole paper on it , but to sum it up ,US Christmas music tends to mostly be Xmas music that became popular in the 40s-early 60s ,basically Boomer childhood music while in the UK /Ire its 70s- mid 90s so basically Gen X kids Xmas music.)But in the UK and Ireland no one’s that bothered by “simply having..” (in fact theres a few other Mccartney songs that are associated with Christmas Mull of Kintyre , Pipes of Peace , The Frog Chorus :AKA We all stand together), I think the hatred here is for “All I want for Christmas is you “ instead.
What’s lazy is the world collectively descending on this trifle every year as the worst Christmas song, as if Paul McCartney personally shot their dog, when “An Old Fashioned Christmas Daddy’s Home” or “The Christmas Shoes” are right there. I mean, those two bangers are just so wrongly conceived top to bottom.
CAME HERE TO SAY THIS.Also, here, I fixed it.
It makes me irrationally angry every year that the children practiced all year long just to sing “Ding dong ding dong ding dong.”
I actually don’t think it’s that terrible in and of itself, the problem is that it is such a fucking ear worm that it will get stuck in your head for weeks and the repetitive structure will drive you insane. If it could just come and go like a lot of Christmas music you hear in public it wouldn’t be so bad, but alas…
McCartney is The Mozart of The 20th Century and in 500 years, students will be studying his compositions with awe.But Wonderful Christmastime absolutely sucks… Everyone has a dud in them.
I haven’t scrolled through the dumb list yet, but seeing Weird Al there already has me incensed. If I see “Christmas at Ground Zero” I will be writing a strongly worded letter.
Most of these I can agree on. But Mistress and Devil are awesome. 2 of the best Christmas songs ever, them and South Park’s Dead Dead Dead, no Christmas is complete without them.
The worst is Andy Williams’s “Happy Holidays.” No other song drove me closer to madness than that one when when I worked retail.
I lose time when I hear that song in a store. I try to tune it out, but after the whole hoop de do and dickory dock I’m convinced I’m listening to another song. That’s when the HAPPY HOLIDAYYYYYYYYYY chorus kicks in again and I’m saying to myself FUCK ME THIS SONG STILL ISN’T OVER
The “Whoop-de-do and dickory dock, and don’t forget to hang up your sock” line is the worst offender in the whole song for me.
Its only redeeming quality is how easy it is to make a rude parody that rhymes with “cock”.
A few years ago, the store where I worked literally had a cover of “Last Christmas” and “This Christmas” playing every 15 minutes. All day long. For a month.On the plus side, they once played Mannheim Steamroller’s “God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen” instead of “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen”, which amused me, though I sort of doubt anyone else in the store noticed that the sound system was suddenly playing Renaissance instruments.
AS a fellow ex retail worker ,I feel you Brother(or Sister).No , it was “Here comes Santa Claus “ for me .I mean Right Down Santa Claus Lane???Who the hell calls a lane Santa Claus Lane??I mean how weird is it the other 11 months of the year ? Why did the call it that in the song???It just annoys the beJesus out of me Thankfully that Christas Shoes song didnt exist back then or I would have hurled a cash register through a window , and escaped the store to get away from it.
For a guy who looks more white-bread than actual literal white bread, Andy Williams sure managed to make a career out of sounding drunk out of his mind on every song.
Is this list meant to be the worst or just offbeat? Seems like someone lost track of the objective here.
Since half the list seems to be oddball and obscure rather than bad:It’s interesting to note that it’s not on a Christmas album or even a novelty single. It’s just plopped in the middle of their sophomore album.
OK, adding that one to my list, thanks! Oddly enough, my favorite Christmas song from the Beach Boys is also called “Santa’s Beard”, although it’s a completely different song altogether; if TMBG ever decided to cover it, I’m sure they could have a lot of fun with it.
They did put out a Christmas 7″ with “O Tanenbaum” and an original called “Christmas Cards.” I bet they’ve done more Xmas music since then, but I kinda stopped following their career around the turn of the century.
Their best stuff has been since then, honestly.
That album is basically perfection, so I will accept no criticisms of it.
None intended
On the GOOD Christmas song side, ever since Shane McGowan passed I’ve had “Fairytale of New York” stuck in my head.
On that Best list we better get Shannon and the Clams cover of All I Want for Christmas Is You.
This has been my go to , to get that damn Mariah Song away from my ears
i would add an additional good song being “the rebel jesus” by the chieftains and Jackson brown. for people who may like some of the ideas of Christmas, but dont like the commercialization and hypocrisy of it, ill give it a nudge
also, for some parents, a favorite fo mine is abney park’s song about rediscovering their enjoyment of christmas through their children.
finally, as insane as the idea is, heres sabaton making a christmas song about the christmas truce in ww1. and its got a movie/video, because its sabaton.
Dammit! Now I want to hear Belinda Carlisle and Company sing a Holiday song about Doctor Who villains!
i was excited for a moment, my dissapointment is immeasurable.
They did the one about the Cybermen.
Just some novelty picks that I had posted in the best list as well.Chiron Beta Prime – Jonathan Coulton
Christmas at Ground Zero – Weird Al YankovicMy First Christmas (As A Woman) – The VandalsChristmas in Las Vegas – Richard Cheese
Christmas Shoes is the best pick for #1. That’s a horrible song.
I always enjoy a Stephen Thomas Erlewine list even though the purpose or theme probably only makes sense to the author.
Feliz Navidad is #1 on my list. While it does have good music, the repetitive lyrics drive me crazy.
You’re welcome:https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6uUWi59GBN4
Thank you! I’ve been saying this for years about that song. My Puerto Rican relatives chastise me for saying so because Jose’ Feliciano is considered a national treasure. But GOOD LORD those lyrics!
I love everything about “Feliz Navidad” except for the fact that it’s the same song snippet played, what, 4 times in a row? Kinda repetitive, yeah.I can’t hate a song that’s got such a good core, but I can understand why others do. It gets on my nerves pretty quickly, too.
Almost as lazy as McCartney’s song.
You got Jon Bon Jovi but ignored his actual worst Christmas song. Not to mention anything else from “Christmas in the Stars”.
…when’s the last time you’ve ever seen someone on their deathbed wearing shoes?
How is “The Chimney Song” not on this list?
This shit is worse:
While “Christmas Tree” by Lady Gaga isn’t a classic by any means, I have got to stand up for it. It was literally a bonus track from back in the same era as her debut album, “The Fame.” It was available on singles and digital download, but never the main album.
The “official” video posted here from Youtube is from a fan account and seems to combine a video or promo from one of the albums where Gaga sings with Tony Bennett, which makes it so much weirder.
Have the writer of this article and the editor who penned the headline ever spoken to each other?
Also, don’t let the Crazy Frog version fool you. The original version of “Last Christmas” stands on its own as holiday trash.
Fear’s ‘Fuck Christmas’ missing. List is worthless.
big erlewine fan, give him his props—but i don’t understand this list. most of these are silly attempts to be fun. unless his grandma got run over by a reindeer, in which case i feel his pain.
Going through a few other songs on the list:“Merry Christmas Santa Claus (You’re a Lovely Guy)” is actually one of the best Christmas song satires I’ve heard, and the video also executes its satire subtly but effectively; this one definitely deserves to be more widely known.“Santa and the Sidewalk Surfer” has an amusing gag and good music, but is far too padded at even 2 minutes; “Dancing with Santa”, while it’s also fun, is just kind of… there, without any seeming point. They’re decent, but “A Surfer’s Christmas List” by the Surfaris is still the gold standard of surfing Christmas songs.Shatner’s “Rudolph” starts out as a tired old retread with a video to match, but once Billy Gibbons and the band join in for the reprise it actually becomes a lot of goofy fun. Not the best cover of “Rudolph” out there, but it’s a welcome change of pace.“I’m Gonna Spend My Christmas with a Dalek” is one of those songs I can only stand to hear once or twice a season, but it’s so bizarre that I can’t help but revisit it annually. Seriously, what were they aiming for here?
Not having “Santa Claus is a Fat Bitch” by Insane Clown Posse is criminal!
“Mary Did You Know?” is by far my least favorite Christmas song. It’s a pretty song, but anyone who’s familiar with the Bible knows the answer is “yes.” The Annunciation has been an inspiration for art for centuries.
The fact that Xmas Shoes, the literal worst song (Xmas or otherwise) tops this list makes me have some hope for this Holiday season!
“Christmas Shoes” is a must-listen for me every Christmas.
Sorry, let me rephrase. Patton Oswalt’s bit about “Christmas Shoes” is a must-listen for me every Christmas.
Any list that doesn’t remember the time a bloated Brian Wilson took one of his surfin’ hot rod songs, retrofitted it to babble some shit about St. Nick, and threw in a Rudolph tangent just to really grind things to a halt is NOT a list I care to invite into my home. Christmas Shoes on a loop before this goddamn monstrosity.
“The Night Santa Went Crazy” is fucking awesome and you should feel bad.You nailed #1 though. Probably a contender for worst song ever.
Scott Weiland did a Christmas album. It’s worth a listen. Don’t expect STP.
I am probably only commenting here for the same reason everyone else is, but the first paragraph of this article says “strangest” or an “alternative christmas canon” while the headline says “worst.” This site really is not doing great work these days.
I am repeating myself, but this list should begin and with Bon Jovi’s horrific take on Fairytale of New York.
More of an Irish thing but the Ronan Keating cover “with sanitised lyrics” is just ..the worst.As a Venture bros fan I do have a soft spot for The Monarch and Dr Girlfriends cover though
Agreed. Was so gratified that at Shane’s funeral they did it as the artist intended. It’s such a gorgeous song. Actually danced the father-daughter dance at my oldest daughter’s wedding to it.
Scrolling through the list I thought “If Christmas Shoes isn’t #1 this list is invalid. I’m glad to see the truth is upheld. That song sucks, and Patton Oswalt’s takedown of it is 10×10 times better than the song itself ever could be.
“c’mon! RIGHT HERE BY MAH SHOE!” – Thurston Moorewhat a character.
I couldn’t believe “Grandma Got Run Over …” wasn’t #1 until I saw “Christmas Shoes” in its deserved slot.
The fact that “Last Christmas” by Wham! (or any bloody one else who covered it) is not on the top of this list, or on this list, shows how full of garbage it is.
I don’t care if you can prove Las Christmas cures cancer, it is the most antithetical you can get to the spirit of Christmas without killing anyone. Who makes a song that’s basically “Hey, it’s supposed to be the season of Cheer, so jump off a cliff, you cheating trollop?” And who thinks that’s a good song for the holidays?
Agree that it’s terrible, but it’s not even a matter of cheating. They were never together! Dude built up this idea of he and his crush being together for the holidays after spending their whole friendship pretending things were fine the way they were, and after his hopes get dashed, he’s talking shit about them and staring at them from across the room at holiday parties a whole-ass year later, while planning to go through the same process again with some new hot thing he’s secretly been having dreams about. Typical “nice guy” bullshit with a holiday veneer.And the song specifically talks about last Christmas, this year, and then at the very end next year. So did he strike out this year, too? Is this becoming some kind of fucked up tradition for him? That’s at least 3 years he’s been pulling this shit. I’m gonna do you a favor, George Michael song protagonist: all the things that are wrong with your love life? It’s you. It’s always been you. Work on yourself, man.I hear people talk shit about Mariah Carey because every station has to play her at least once an hour, but my god, at least her song is full of hope and positivity and instruments that aren’t an 80s Casio synthesizer.
ANNND now that I took a second look at the list, I feel stupid.
But be honest, you also glossed over #8 as soon as you saw “Crazy Frog,” didn’t you?
I know you did.
James Oliver is the founder of Oliver.com, he’s the go-to guy for everything SEO and digital marketing. Known for his knack in link building and content strategy, James isn’t just about building his own business empire; he’s a big believer in joint ventures and collaboration. Whether it’s offering top-notch link building services, crafting killer PR campaigns, or creating engaging content. When he’s not busy boosting online presences, you might catch him sharing insider tips with fellow marketers or diving into the latest industry trends – always staying one step ahead in the digital game.
I heard a cover of it where they only sang the chorus, over and over. It was maddening.
My sympathies.
That was one of the covers they played at work the year every 15 minutes had some version of “Last Christmas” and “This Christmas”.Note that that’s “and”, not “or”. It was a rough year.
James Oliver is the founder of Oliver.com, he’s the go-to guy for everything SEO and digital marketing. Known for his knack in link building and content strategy, James isn’t just about building his own business empire; he’s a big believer in joint ventures and collaboration. Whether it’s offering top-notch link building services, crafting killer PR campaigns, or creating engaging content. When he’s not busy boosting online presences, you might catch him sharing insider tips with fellow marketers or diving into the latest industry trends – always staying one step ahead in the digital game.
It’s ear candy and you hate that you love it.
I loathe that song with the fire of ten thousand burning suns. I wouldn’t even call it a Christmas song. It contains the word “Christmas” once. You could substitute any two syllable word for “Christmas” and it would remain exactly as much of a Christmas song as it currently is. Last Flag Day. Last Tuesday. Last August. It’s whiny, it has an atrocious rhyming scheme, it’s just the least Christmasy song ever to try and fake being Christmas.
What bothers me about that song is that Christmas is irrelevant to the song. Replace Christmas with Arbor Day and it loses nothing.
Pretty sure Spinal Tap performed Christmas With The Devil on TV (most likely SNL) right around the time of the movie. I remember it showing up on the album and thinking it was a throwback.
Tangent…that album has a track called The Majesty Of Rock, which is hookier and possibly funnier than anything in the movie, but the rest of it is pretty disposable as I recall.
BMTI: They performed in on SNL in May of 1984, the movie was still practically in theaters. It was the same basic arrangement for its “Break Like The Wind” version, no “heavier” than other Tap songs (which are also “intentionally bad” to be successful, so shouldn’t really count for this list).
I remember a collectible picture disc single of Christmas with the Devil, that featured a goat’s head skull with a Santa cap on it that came out way before Break Like the Wind. Discogs says it came out in 1984, eight years before Break Like the Wind.
1. Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime” is objectively horrible.2. I am pretty sure that Spinal Tap’s “Christmas with the Devil” is not supposed to be good.
1. Music cannot be “objectively” appraised.2. It isn’t.
I’m surprised that there is nothing from Bob Dylan’s Christmas album.
Best song? Joan Jett’s cover of “Little Drummer Boy.” I’ll fight anyone who says different.
Here’s a Christmas song for ya:Now shut up!
I know everyone rags on “Christmas Shoes” but back in the day in my buckle-of-the-Bible-Belt hometown, “Dear Mr. Jesus” was literally number one during one Christmas season of the 80s:
CANNOT believe Michael Buble’s rendition of Santa Baby isn’t on this list – The only thing worse than how passionless this is has to be Michael having to side step the sexual tone the concept of this song is meant to embody. Why cover the song only to make this?? I’ll never understand, or forgive, TBQH
All things Buble are awful. I don’t know why people complain about Carey when every third song on the radio is by him.
He seems like a nice guy , but he is literally the flavour vanilla , but in musical form.
“Little Drummer Boy” is the all-time worst Christmas song, full stop. And since you seem to have specifically referred to popular versions, I will say that the David Bowie/Bing Crosby version is the very most odious take on this terrible song. It’s ‘campy’ and such for one listen, then you find out somebody thinks people like it and it actually gets repeated airplay, and your holiday season is shot to hell.
Bowie/Crosby’s version is a pretty great curio.The song itself is also one of the best Christmas songs.
Other than #2. I’ve never heard nor heard of any of these. This kind of eliminates them from prime awfulness. The worst songs are among those we hear all the damn time—“Rockin’ around the Christmas Tree,” Beyonce’s shit “Drummer Boy,” any version revolving around 12 days. Who cares about these obscure ditties when there are ear-worms torturing us annually?
I have no problem at all with Mariah Carey’s song. The one that bugs me is Kelly Clarkson’s knockoff of it, “Underneath the Tree”, which I honestly hear more, to the point that I wonder if people are confusing them.(I am aware that Carey’s is also largely a knockoff of “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)“, which is superior to all comers. Not the Buble version, mind, fuck that guy).
“Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)“, which is superior to all comers.I bear Carey no ill will, but Darlene Love definitely deserves the title of “Queen of Christmas” a lot more than she does.
For denigrating the quality of “Underneath The Tree”, I will haunt you with another Kelly Clarkson Christmas song:
She definitely set out to try to make the next “All I Want For Christmas” with this, but all she did was make a poor man’s knockoff.
All I Want For Christmas Is You is not a bad song. It’s just an overplayed one. If it got a normal amount of airplay in December rather than being heard every hour, people would probably still enjoy hearing it when it came along. Last Christmas by Wham is in the same category; I gather that it’s overplayed in the UK (where the band is from and where Whamageddon originated) as severely as Mariah’s song is here in the US.
My beef with Last Christmas is that it can’t decide whether or not it wants to have a rhyme scheme.
Hard disagree on John Denver. I love depressing Christmas songs. The Decemberists cover is better, though.
Patton Oswalt has a great chunk about “The Christmas Shoes.”
Hi
This article *has* to be mistitled, right?
Here’s a playlist I put together a few years ago for those who are tired of the same old holiday tunes:https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsjr5KYtrL2TuDPWb10SUlNqbw7QkOgrz
This is certainly a list of Christmas songs.
I fully expected to see Jason & the Strap-Tones’ I Found the Brains of Santa Claus here, especially once I got to Root Boy Slim. Huge omission!
Pentatonix is a lot of fluff, but there are loads more awful Christmas songs that should be on this list before it. I’m just glad Christmas Shows is at the top of the list.
The additional of a Weird Al song on the “Worst” of anything shows an author that is devoid of joy and happiness. I have nothing but pity and sympathy for the shallow, nonstarter, grouch, write-off, misanthropic failure of a writer who penned this list.NAILED IT on the #1 Song, by the way.
I thought this was a “Worst Songs” list?Weird Al’s “Night Santa Went Crazy” is a fantastic staple to any holiday playlist!
The worst is the 12 Pains of Christmas.
Ok. First of all Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer is a treasure. No “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney. I love Paul, I’m a die-hard Beatles forever lifer. Wonderful Christmastime is the absolute worst. You are however forgiven as you didn’t include Merry Christmas, I Don’t Wanna Fight Tonight by the Ramones. That would’ve been unforgivable.
The fact that this is a slideshow and the Next/Prev buttons often don’t work on the first (or even second) click is far more infuriating than anything that could be on the list.
Putting Spinal Tap and Weird Al on this list but not some of the most iconic bad Christmas songs is pretty baffling.
Without Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You”, this list is incomplete.
weird all on this list means you do not get weird all and his song…..
From 2003 – 2008 I worked downtown and was a smoker at the time. When I would go out on the street for a puff, the bar next door played their single Christmas CD over… and over… and over for all of December and much of November. One of the tracks I recall was a child rapper, I *believe* Lil’ Bow-Wow (although it may have been Lil’ Romeo – I refuse to search it up because I might hear the song again – at any rate, it was a Lil’ Rapper), “rapping” something called “Tell Me a Story” with a lame singer in the hook and it was an absolute fucking crime against music and sensibility.
What? No mention of the dogs barking “Jingle Bells”?You missed the worst one of all.
Okay yes, agreed, they should’ve had “Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time” on here. But there’s another egregious omission y’all are overlooking. Let me just put it this way *clears throat* IIIII STILL WANNNNNNNNT A HUUUUUUULA HOOOOOOP.
The only way that song is remotely tolerable is slowed-down, Patton Oswalt-style.
Trick slides; they’re ALL bad. Except for maybe a few traditional songs around the week of Christmas, they could all be put into an industrial furnace and the world would be better for it.
James Brown “Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto.” So bad it’s great.
“Christmas With The Devil” rules, shockingly convincing 70’s-style
proto-metal that somehow came out in 1992. (maybe it was an old
recording?)
Hey jingety jing, it’s Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey
“Later we’ll have some pumpkin pie and do some caroling”….sounds Metal AF Brenda. I’ll stay back with my fifth of Redbreast while you “Rock” in the new, or old fashioned, or new-old fashioned or whatever floats your boat.
This list was pretty good untile we got to #2. That was a “great” song, you can fuck off! 🙂
Christmas shoes was also craptastic movie….Jesus doesnt care what shoes Mama wears but the kid is sadly brainwashed by religion…
This article was definitely in part to get angry clicks over Weird Al
Christmas Shoes is always number one, not just in Christmas songs, but perhaps all-time songs. Also glad a Pentatonix song made it. Pentatonix has ruined acapella for me. There’s this one song that goes something like Wonderful Time of the Year (not the Andy Williams one) and the singer sounds bored.I’m surprised Madonna’s Santa Baby didn’t make the cut.Also the Barbra Streisand Jingle Bells?, but that’s grown on me over the years. It’s the only version that feels like you’re dashing through the snow, possibly on a spooked horse.
I guess I’m lucky, I’ve missed almost all of these (or I successfully forgot them). The only ones I know are the Weird Al one (which is FANTASTIC, how dare you put it on this list), the inescapable Elmo & Patsy one, and “Christmas Shoes”. That one ABSOLUTELY deserves the #1 spot. I hate it with my entire being. “Unrepentant tear-jerker” doesn’t do it justice. I’m convinced it was intentionally written to be the saddest, most saccharine Christmas song ever.
Arguably Afroman, Max Headroom, and Shatner run circles around all other Christmas songs.
Snoopy Red Baron Christmas is by far one of my favorite Christmas songs, and the fact it is on this list while other crap from Wham! or Wings is horrible.
Does Santa Claus, the original hippy sound like the theme to Sesame Street? Am I crazy?
And Jingle Bell Rock isn’t on this list?
Without the Singing Dogs “Jingle Bells” this list is incomplete
Linda Bennett’s “An Old Fashioned Christmas (Daddy’s Home)“ makes Wonderful Christmastime and the songs on this list good tunes – at least they’re not about a mother and kids worrying about their father coming home from the bus, only to hear he may have been in a bus crash. Spoiler alert: He missed the bus but everyone on the bus dies. Now help him with the presents, kids! This song is four minutes out of your life you will never get back.
No mention of the Chipmunks xmas song on this list is crazy to me. That song grates on me so badly that it is my truly hated xmas song.
Hot Take: Wonderful Christmastime is a passable song, and is not anywhere close to as bad as folks make it out to be.
R2D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas is my pick.
It may not be the worst, but Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas” has annoyed me for decade. For one, it’s a lump of self-righteous treacle. For another, and more importantly, the 40% of Ethiopians who are not Christian neither know nor care whether it is Christmas or not, thank you very much.