As much as we'd love to not report on this, it's undeniable that today's biggest celebrity news is the confirmation by a Bahamian court that Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, Dannielynn, and not attorney Howard K. Stern, Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, the Denver Broncos, or anyone else who laid claim to the Chosen One in the last several months. Birkhead was predictably elated, saying, "I hate to be the one to tell you this—but I told you so." Stern acknowledged that he will not fight the results and will help ensure that Birkhead gets sole custody.
Now can we please never ever speak of this again?