This week in Savage Love: Crabs
Dan counsels a cheated-on husband in this week’s Savage Love
Aux Features iPad
I’m a gay male in my forties and I’ve been married to my husband for nine years. There was some mild infidelity on his part (exchanging photos and flirting via text with another guy) early in our relationship. I confronted him at the time, and he lied to me. I decided to let it go, as it was early in the relationship. Fast forward a few years and he gets crabs and gives them to me. He told me it was most likely from the volunteer work he does in a homeless shelter. I let it go again. Fast forward another couple years and I’m feeling insecure and look on his iPad, and find confirmation that he was sleeping with the guy he’d exchanged photos and flirty texts with early in our relationship. This sent me into a severe depression. All my concerns over the years were confirmed, and further sleuthing revealed there was another guy he was fucking around with as well. He admitted to all of this only after I showed him the proof.
I chose to forgive and forget. The pain was too much to deal with and I just wanted to move on and get back to our lives. At the time we talked about having an open relationship and I told him I was cool with that, but I wasn’t cool sharing my life with someone who lies to me so easily. We mutually decided that opening the relationship wasn’t a great idea and never really discussed it again. I’m happy I decided to move past this because the last four years have been great. We never fight, our sex life is good, we have a wonderful home and social life. I hadn’t felt the need to sleuth on his devices in years. I felt secure in our relationship. Then two weeks ago I discovered he has crabs (again) after he gave them to me (again). He says he has no idea how he got them. This has obviously brought his history of lying and cheating back to the forefront and I’m questioning so many things. I feel like the only way I’ll ever get the truth is if I find proof and fuck that. I’m not going back to scouring his phone and devices. If I’m staying, I’m staying. But should I stay? Are all past infidelities moot at this point because we’ve put them behind us? Can this new case of crabs be viewed in isolation? Can people get genital area crab infestations during a non-sensual massage? Or am I the idiot whose husband has been fucking around on him the whole time we’ve been together?
Scratching Head And Meat
Whether or not you stay depends on what you’re willing to tolerate, SHAM. You were willing to tolerate being married to a guy who had cheated on you in the distant past. Can you tolerate being married to a guy who has most likely cheated on you in the recent past and—given his track record—will probably cheat on you again in the future?
Answer that question, SHAM, and you’ll know what to do.
As for the new case of crabs, SHAM, sure, it’s possible your husband got them during a non-sensual massage—if the place wasn’t clean, if they reuse towels and sheets without washing them, if they don’t disinfect the massage table. I don’t know why anyone would wanna get a massage at a filthy place like that, but maybe your husband isn’t so choosy.
But I gotta say… it seems far likelier that your husband, a man who lied to your face the last time he got crabs, is lying to you again. Crabs—pubic lice—are almost always transmitted during pubes-to-pubes contact, e.g., someone who has crabs grinds their crotch against the crotch of someone who doesn’t have crabs and then they both have crabs. That doesn’t necessarily mean your husband had sex with a body worker. He may have gotten one of those full-body-contact massages that involve the masseuse stripping off and rubbing his body all over his client’s body—and while I think that kind of massage qualifies as sensual, your husband may feel (and rationalize) differently.
So let’s go ahead assume the worst: Your husband never stopped cheating on you. Which means your husband is the same person he’s always been. Maybe he’s one of those guys who really wants to be monogamous and feels terrible every time he fucks around behind your back. Or maybe he’s one of those selfish jerks who doesn’t want an honest open relationship because that would mean giving you the same freedom. Whatever it is, SHAM, he’s unlikely to change. So, what do you do?
Leaving him means giving up everything about your marriage that you enjoy—the good sex life a decade in, the generally low-conflict intimacy, the home you’ve made together, the social life you share. But if staying makes you feel like an idiot, SHAM, your anger (justified) and resentment (ditto) will eventually ruin what you enjoy about your marriage.
To be clear, SHAM, I don’t think staying means you’re an idiot. But you’ll have to make peace with who your husband is if you decide to stay. Not for his sake, for yours. Make peace with it again, I should say, as I don’t think you stopped scouring his iPad and phone for evidence because you didn’t think he was cheating on you. You stopped because you didn’t want to know if he was.
If you do stay, SHAM, you might let your husband continue to think he’s risking his marriage when he cheats. That won’t stop him—it hasn’t up to now, right?—but your husband will be less likely to seize every opportunity that comes his way if he thinks he’s risking his marriage. If you don’t hand a DADT card and/or tell him you’ve made peace with his cheating, SHAM, he’ll redouble his efforts to be discreet and continue to be careful to use condoms with other guys so as to avoid exposing you to a more serious STI. (I say “continue to be careful” because if he’s been cheating on you all this time and only brought crabs home, SHAM, then he was probably being careful, i.e., using condoms, with other guys.)
For the record, SHAM, I don’t think this solution is ideal—making peace with who your husband is but not telling him—because I’m a fan of ethical non-monogamy. But you’re never gonna get ethical non-monogamy out of your husband. You’re gonna keep getting what you’ve been getting all along. If that’s unacceptable, if you can’t live with that, you should definitely leave. If you can live with that, if you can resume ignoring what you kinda knew all along, you might be able to stay.
Good luck.
If the condom breaks, who do you think should pay for Plan B?
Settle This Argument
The government.
I am on the cusp of starting a sexual relationship with a newly paraplegic man. (We’re both in our late 20s and cis het if that matters.) He hasn’t had any sexual partners since his injury, so he hasn’t had much opportunity to experiment with what works for him now. He’s told me he has no sensation below his belly button. I’m not sure if he’s been able to achieve an erection since becoming paraplegic, but he said he hasn’t been able to orgasm since it happened. I’m hoping that you (or your experts or readers) might have some advice and/or resources for us. I want to make sure that the experience is as satisfying for him as it can be.
Sensitive Personal Issues Need Exploration
Read the blog post “Keeping the Romance Alive After a Spinal Cord Injury” at Spinalcord.com. There are some great insights, SPINE, and lots of useful links.
My advice: You wanna have a satisfying sexual experience with this guy—his first since his injury—and that’s great. But you’re more likely to have a positive experience if you don’t make it all about his dick. While you shouldn’t ignore his dick, SPINE, you need to go into this encounter—you both need to go into this encounter—believing you can have a rewarding and successful sexual experience even if he can’t get hard or climax. It’s going to take him some time figure out what works for him now—what he needs to get hard, what he needs to get off—and in the meantime, SPINE, his tongue works, his arms work, his hands work. And non-PIV sex—or any other kind of sex in the absence of one or more erections—isn’t some sad consolation prize. They’re satisfying sexual experiences for everybody involved and, just as importantly, they’re things he can excel at, right now, erection or no erection. If you want him to come out of his first sexual experience after his injury feeling more confident about his body and his abilities, center mutual pleasure, not his cock.
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21 Comments
If you do stay, SHAM, you might let your husband continue to think he’s risking his marriage when he cheats. That won’t stop him—it hasn’t up to now, right?—but your husband will be less likely to seize every opportunity that comes his way if he thinks he’s risking his marriage.Uhhh, this is a man who lies easily and often, and is so reckless with his dick that he has gotten crabs twice and given them to his husband twice. I don’t think risking his marriage factors much into his decisions.
Is getting crabs twice in a decade necessarily evidence of recklessness? I mean, I’ve never had crabs, but I’ve also never broken a bone, so some might just call me timorous.
I feel like it is if you’re cheating and trying to keep it from your partner. You’d think he’d be hyper vigilant after he brought home the first batch of critters.
Eh, if you’re going to be having an affair and you get crabs once, then just keep it shaved if you’re going to continue. As somebody that got crabs once in college (non-sexually, too, double bummer!) for the next few years I kept it smooth just out of paranoia. I feel like I might be pretty forgiving about most other STIs, especially since they can be relatively asymptomatic in men, and some gay guys don’t know to get their throats checked too. But if a hookup gave me crabs I don’t think I’d ever be back.
Srsly, this is a divorce. If SHAM has any backbone. This is a life of humiliation.
Yeah, Dan’s assuming stuff not in evidence here, because unless SHAM told him that he’s getting regular STI checks and they’ve come up clean (except for the crabs) we don’t know for certain that the hubby’s actually wrapping it up or taking other precautions to protect his partner.
I don’t see the point of getting married to a cheat. I had a friend tell me about her ex who was lying from the beginning… and her inlaws and acquaintances dropped hints, made snarky comments and played games at her expense… and she went in to the marriage having to bear this on her own. I mean… why complicate something so humanly simple?
It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that has crabs! Literal crabs! I got a whole bucketful of those things, just so I could fling them at people who who don’t take my advice! They have nearly pinched Nobody’s fingers off, but that’s a price he’s willing to pay to ensure you will listen to his completely sane advice! Now, who wants some advice about the best way to jump into a volcano?As for letter writer #1, I think the noticeable part of that letter is that the husband continues to lie even though the letter writer has caught him sending those messages multiple times. Not to mention the husband’s claims to have contracted crabs from non-sexual sources on two different occasions is pretty unlikely. The letter writer says that he’s put these things behind him, but Savage Nobody feels you can’t really put behind you something that is still happening and almost certainly going to continue to happen. The letter writer has to choose between staying with his husband and accepting the cheating, the lying, and the probable future cases of crabs, or ditching the motherfucker and having to start a new, unknown chapter in his life. It may not be an easy choice, but Savage Nobody knows which one he would pick.Question of the week: What to do if you suspect a partner of infidelity but are not completely sure?
Eh. I’m not suspicious or particularly jealous so if I have an inkling, I’m probably already half out the door. No quarter.
Lived through it so don’t want to indulge in bad memories. Instead, I’ll recommend you start having your own affair, or at least act like you are.
I confront them, and turn my empath dial up to 11.
Research.
I’d fly off the handle, drink, roll around on the floor, and then go to sleep in a few sheets of tear-soaked newspaper on the balcony. idk. This is new problem-solving territory for me. I’d ask… I guess. And if the feeling persisted I would leave. *shrug* why stay with someone who doesn’t feel trustworthy?
Of course LW1 and his cheating SO have a peaceful home life – they don’t actually have an honest relationship with real intimacy. Someone is permanently checked out. DTMFA.
can happen. Peaceful acceptance of your partner’s foibles, open communication and so on. i’m not experienced with relationships here. Why do them? Why stay with a dishonest dude? I was planning on a partner with intimacy, honesty, and stability as their core values. not for everyone, but I was thinking longterm, safe investment of hamburger heart. *shrug*
But should I stay?Fucking NO.
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This first answer makes me feel like I’m going insane. Why in FUCK would you suggest staying with him??
“The sex is good” has always been a sufficient answer for Dan, who’s a cheating-positive columnist. I can’t imagine how mindblowing the sex would have to be to put up with someone lying right to your face like that. “I got crabs from volunteering at a homeless shelter”? If SHAM had beaten him to death with a frying pan right then and there, I’m not sure I’d vote to convict.
mhm, I can only speak about one ex partner. Frequent trips away for work, shifty behaviour, refusing to answer questions… obvious infidelity. I stayed because I had a project to complete up north, and i’d invested a little in the idea of a future together. Not a great deal with hindsight… I gave him a chance at a family and he couldn’t respond, so I cut my losses, packed a bag, and didn’t look back.
I have the feeling that straight people here are too tied to monogamy to understand how this is very common on gay couples, to the point that you don’t ask your parnter for the relationship to be open or not, but you ask them to be careful when they have the dick around. This is how we are dealing in my current relationship: I had sex three times with three random guys and I told him. Plus we both flirt around. We just like to see the other one happy.