There's no challenge in making fun of Vanilla Ice, as the man has remained a walking punch line for 15 years. Really, what satirist could outdo his performance on Saturday Night Live with the "Word To Your Mother" jacket? The hilariously moronic explanation of how "Ice Ice Baby" didn't sample Queen & David Bowie's "Under Pressure"? The unbelievably terrible motion picture Cool As Ice ("Yo Kat, words of wisdom: Drop the zero and get with the hero.")? The failed attempt at weed-toking gangsta rap? His "any attention is good attention" appearance on The Surreal Life? His ongoing embrace of nü metal?
Vanilla Ice is like a character from This Is Spinal Tap, only living in our world for real. Or maybe he's a new generation's Pat Boone, though Pat Boone was probably more successful over the long run. I guess it means something that he's managed to cling to some kind of public persona so long after he made a splash.
Yup, Vanilla Ice persists. In one week, he'll release another sure-to-be-panned album, Platinum Underground. His publicist forwarded a press release to A.V. Club HQ, where Ice ostensibly speaks from his heart about his new work. But you know, maybe he should let his handlers speak for him. In the first paragraph, Ice says:
"It's a true story that Video Killed the Radio Star because music should not be about image. Music should be about the music! I learned the hard way. The new Vanilla Ice is exactly that; no image, no polished made up gimmicks created by record companies. I will never be a puppet for the industry again. From this point on I will keep it real."
Then, three paragraphs later, discussing his new music:
"It caters to a new crowd. It leans toward the body piercing, tattoo crowd aging from 15 to 25: the same crowd that you might find at a Korn, Limp Bizkit or Slipknot show."
In a weird case of life imitating art, that sounds eerily familiar to this story that ran in the comedy section last week. "Yo, peeps, I'm comin' at you real on my new joint…and it should play well with the coveted 15-25 demographic, based on our market research. Expect a huge boost in Q4."
Vanilla Ice remains Vanilla Ice, no matter how hard he tries to be legit. Deep down, he'll always be Robert Van Winkle. Somewhere, Pat Boone is proud.