Nextdoor, for those not familiar, is like a hyper-local Facebook—with all the attendant horrors you might expect that to entail. For the most part, this comes in the form of neighbors incoherently yelling at each other about recycling and coyotes and dildos. Occasionally, however, the service provides some more literal horrors, such as this post wondering if anyone else has noticed a headless man carrying an umbrella, strolling around the neighborhood in the middle of the night.
“Has anybody seen a man with no head walking around the neighborhood?” reads the post shared by writer Ivy Noelle Weir. “He wears a long black coat and carries an open umbrella and only goes for a walk on Wednesdays at 2-3 in the morning. I yelled, ‘Hello!’ to him once, but he didn’t respond.”
The first thought one might have is that Ivy Noelle’s mother’s neighborhood has a Sleepy Hollow-type of situation going on. However, given the late night hours, plus the use of an umbrella when the man is already wearing a long coat and doesn’t have a head, it is possible what we’ve got here is more likely an invisible man with some extreme sun sensitivity. Of course, this theory still leaves some questions unanswered, such as why does the headless man only go out on Wednesdays, and also, more pressingly, why did you think it was a good idea to say hello to the headless man at 3 a.m.?
One Twitter user was helpful enough to reply with an illustration of the headless man in question, in case anyone needs help identifying him.
Have you seen the man with no head who carries an umbrella?
Send Great Job, Internet tips to [email protected]
99 Comments
Ahhhh Nextdoor, the site dedicated to rants/debates about Dogs being offleash, people not picking up their dog’s shit, zombie RV’s, “does anybody know whose car this is parked on our street”, definitely coyote spottings, how to fight back against the homeless invaders, how the city/county/state government officials are failing us all by not doing this thing that I and 6 other people on nextdoor want them to do so therefore everyone in this city must want them to do it as well so we should start a recall effort, and my personal favorite “there is a suspicious person walking in our neighborhood” that really is just the paranoia of a racist neighbor.
I think my mom’s on Nextdoor. I was away on a trip for a few weeks, and she had like fifty stories to tell me when I got back about all the stuff that had been going on in her neighborhood. If anyone’s interested, that steak place we used to go to with my father 12 years ago before he died is closing down.
Oh no, that place was the best!!!Just a heads up that the place that sells questionable fried shrimp by the pound also just closed down in my area. The owners are hoping to setup somewhere else though in case you really need an alternative laxative.
Also: “OMG THEIRS A SKERRY BLAK GUY ATMY DOOR! WAHT DO I DO?!1!1!”
Sign for your package?
“I have a package for you”“But…I didn’t order a package.”“Oh, it’s not that kind of package.”[funky music]
I wonder how many lonely (or horny) people are desperately hoping for that kind of package only to be disappointed that it’s those compression socks they ordered last week.
I’m reminded of that story Ice-T told a months ago about how he almost shot some Amazon delivery guy that came to his house because he didn’t have an Amazon shirt on. First of all, Ice, calm the fuck down, and second, you’re Ice-T and you don’t live in some kind of secure neighborhood? You’re a music, movie and TV star and you don’t have a gate at the crib?My takeaway from all that is that Ice-T actually lives in an apartment building somewhere and just isn’t telling us.
“Oh wait, I did order something from Amazon”“Oh, then here ya go”[funky music stops 🙁 ]
Well, I live in a majority Black neighborhood. NextDoor here is a LITTLE different.
95% of the posts before we killed our account. If a person was brown AND a teen, they lost their shit.
It’s Facebook, but instead of choosing who to associate with, contacts are automatically assigned based on geographical proximity. The entire concept is inherently flawed. I stopped following my local Nextdoor after the nutjob who posted nonsense several times per week finally got banned because he decided to go on a rant about why swastikas are not always bad, just entirely out of nowhere.
“he decided to go on a rant about why swastikas are not always bad, just entirely out of nowhere.”
Ok, but just hear me out!
One of my favorites is “There’s a bunch of kids riding bikes in the street. What is wrong with their parents?”
“Why aren’t they inside playing video games?”
You know those same people would be bitching if the kids were riding on the sidewalk as well. “Damn kids nearly ran me and my little dog over yesterday. They worse then the Coyote!!!”
Some asshole posted a picture of me on Nextdoor and claimed I wasn’t picking up after my dog. It made me furious because not only do I always pick up after my dog, if some other dickhead didn’t pick up after their dog and it just happened to be nearby where my dog just dropped a deuce, I would pick THAT up, too.I should have just started dropping all my bags in front of his house, but my wife’s cooler head prevailed.I don’t live in that neighborhood anymore.(DISCLAIMER: I am on Nextdoor and would often use it to let trash pickers know whenever I got rid of a piece of furniture or an old lawnmower or something)
Someone on my Nextdoor ranted about trash pickers and had to let everyone know that it’s illegal to do that in town. (giant eyeroll) So good on you for sharing!
Nextdoor was also a good place to let people know, “hey, I found this real friendly dog with no collar, but clearly neutered so he belongs to SOMEONE so if your pit bull mix got out, I have him in my yard.”Unsaid was “and lock your goddamn backyard gate and get your pooch a collar w/ID tag, ya fuck!”
I have a coon hound mix that is an absolute escape artist, so I don’t fault people who’s dogs get out. My boy does have a collar with ID and a cellular tracker(Sprint offers them for $5 a month, and its worth every penny). Plus he is chipped. He also has his haunts so generally if he gets out there are only two or three places he goes and the neighbors will generally help corral him if they see him.
“I have a coon hound mix that is an absolute escape artist,…”Why you gotta be so racially insensitive? I believe the proper term is, a WHITE hound mix…
Not sure if you are joking or not but he is a Coonhound . Specifically he is a Treeing Walker Coonhound. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Treeing_Walker_CoonhoundBred to hunt raccoons, thus the name.
Oh I know what a coonhound is. I guess my humor wasn’t all that clear 😂 Apologies and well-wishes to you, my fellow dog person!
Was it this guy?
Hahaha yes EXACTLY
Yep, Nextdoor is great for that sorta thing. Also Garage sale advertising and hunting.
Where in Ohio do you live?
NextDoor is essentially “Old Man Yells At Cloud” in app form.
I apparently live in fairly laid-back neighborhood, my Nextdoor experience is fairly mild. We have, however, come together with proper names for the area skunks. We do have that person the posts about every car that stops and parks on her street.
This just makes me want to join Nextdoor so I can see who’s bitching about my front yard or if I’m a suspicious person because I’m the Chinese guy that wears horror movie T-shirts. My wife and I work a lot of hours, Erica. I’ll pick the fucking weeds when I feel like it!
I find Nextdoor wonderfully entertaining. It’s nothing but weirdos, busybodies, and nosy neighbors. It’s actually really fun to read through once a week or so.
I got someone to take away my old plastic shed for free. That alone made me a NextDoor fan.
Yeah, I got someone to take the fucking pool table out of my basement. For something that is fairly expensive to buy, it is kinda a surprise how hard it is to sell a used pool table. Especially when you tell people its down a flight of stairs. Even saying it was free was a tough get rid of until some kids on Nextdoor decided they wanted to pull a Drew Carey and put it in their backyard.
Mine has been people trying to get rid of furniture recently and should stay that way for at least the next week.
I’m ok being racist against the headless. Seriously, there’s not a one of them that’s any good, sneaking around out here and stealing our hats. THEY DON’T EVEN NEED THE HATS!
Puttin’ decent, local barbers outta business…
This sums up Nextdoor perfectly.
Our neighbors are, apparently, boring.
Mostly the Nextdoor posts are about doctor recommendations & who is accepting patients (we don’t have enough doctors), people having yard sales, and lost pets (we also, apparently, have plenty of folks who don’t keep track of their pets), along with requests for free stuff (“if you no longer use X and want to pass it on . . .”).Snore.
I’d never heard of this service before, but it sounds like someone managed to slap a UI on my literal idea of Hell.
I am lucky in my era that we don’t get those “I see a suspicious(IE brown) person walking around the area” posts but man do they freak out about the Coyote “problem”.There also was a string of really shitty posts about a homeless lady who was wandering around the local strip mall area. Recently someones kid lost a drone and the boards freaked out about how drones are “invading their privacy” and if they found it they would smash it. Fucking assholes, this was a kids drone, not a government spy bot.
Are you in Seattle, because, yeah…
No, but really though WHY WOULD YOU YELL HELLO TO A MAN WITH NO HEAD WALKING DOWN THE STREET
Way to No-Head Shame.
Uh-oh, I can hear all the #woketeens descending on me now.omg liek why are you shaming decapitation?!!!
You are such a bigot! The proper term is cranium deficient.
I prefer deCANitation.
The proper term is Decraniated, you insensitive cad.
:: gets slapped in non-existent face with white glove ::
I have friends who are No-Heads.
To be polite.
In addition to the stupid-person-who-dies-first-in-the-horror-movieness of shouting at the headless person, you’ve also got the complete lack of awareness that comes with failing to realize the headless person has no way of hearing the greeting.
Showing off with her fancy head and all. I complained about a headache until a met a man with no head or something like that.
He thrust his fists against the post and still insists he sees a guy with no head walking down the street.
There are really only three outcomes here.1) he’s a kind spirit, in which case there’s no harm in being nice.2) he’s a ghost who believes in right and wrong, rewarding the good and punishing the bad, in which case being nice is a huge bonus.3) he’s a murderous ghoul who will violently murder everyone anyway, in which case it’s worth taking a shot in case it’s actually #2.
To say, “Excuse me, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you have no head. You might want to have that checked out.”
“Just a heads up…”
Why wouldn’t you? The guy’s walking around with no head – he’s got to be expecting people to be interested.
why wouldnt she take a picture?
I’m subscribed to Next Door Studios.Think it’s a different NextDoor.
I had a neighbor on nextdoor last week posting about a dead pigeon in her garage. She was upset that the city refused to send someone out to remove it. And was asking what she should do.One neighbor, who has a big heart for all animals, 100% seriously suggested she hold a service and bury it because it was a living creature with a soul.I suggested she grab a shovel and a trash bag.
So did you buy a suit for the service, or did you already have one?
No shit he didn’t respond. No head = no mouth = no response.
I mean no ears so he wouldn’t even hear.
He could have waved.
He has no mouth, but he must scream.
No ears. He didn’t hear her. How did she know it was a “he”? Overcoat…no head… How do you gender-identify that?
I had a Next Door account for about 6 minutes. I thought I could get some insights about contractors. However, I only learned how racist, paranoid, and tacky my neighbors were. The intense passive-aggression was gross and disappointing.
Same here. We just didn’t log off, I made them delete my account and posts because I had a couple innocuous posts that were then co-opted by racist shitbags and I didn’t want my name associated with them.
I had a huge old 29″ CRT TV that I likely would have had to pay to dispose of. Nextdoor let me know that somebody in an adjoining neighborhood about two miles away was looking for a TV because their son was moving back into their basement. So right there it’s done me more good than all other forms of social media have, combined.
I put mine on the corner with a FREE sign taped to it and it was gone in twenty minutes. But this was before social apps so I guess that wouldn’t work now.
I did that with a lawn mower once (including a warning that the tank was full) to similar effect. I’ve seen CRTs sit out by the curb for a while these days, though, and I rather liked having a little backstory for where it went, though — Some guy’s probably coming back from his 7-11 shift and watching ESPN on it even as we speak.
As someone who grew up in the middle of nowhere I have no interest in talking to my neighbors. On the day we moved out of the house we lived in for 15 years the only ‘neighbor’ we had, who lived half a mile away and who in all that time we only ever communicated with through friendly waves, came by to tell how much he was going to miss us. It was all very Ron Swanson-esque.
Do you live in Australia?
“We still never talk sometimes!”
NextDoor in Nightvale is straight wild.
I spent about 5 minutes on Nextdoor, which was enough for me to realize I am surrounded by some of the dumbest people on earth. If you ever wonder how Trump got elected, just fire up Nextdoor….
x100 since I live in a heavily GOP district.
The “incoherent” link may be badly written, but it’s actually rather coherent. It’s just polling people whether they prefer mustard or cheese on hotdogs/brats.
I rarely get past the first sentence of posts on NextDoor (we belong because..oh, I don’t actually even know). But I see several, not all from the same person, about mountain lion sightings. We live in California, so it’s not completely out of the realm of possibility, but …Um. I’ve seen them too, but they’re bobcats. And I suppose just regular cats sometimes.
Fucking persecutors.
I Have no Head and I Must Scream Hello Back at my Neighbor
Nextdoor is going to seriously be the end of empire. A nation of oafs quivering with pants-shitting rage because they saw a dusty car or someone they didn’t recognize ride by on a bike.
Guys, we have a containment breach. SCP 7390 is loose again!
One of my favorite Twitter feeds is the Best of Nextdoor.
If he doesn’t have ears, how is he gonna hear her yelling at him?!
I was an early Nextdoor adopter, hoping that it would help me build better connections with my neighbors.
I quit the day I got the “The Department of Homeland Security is now working with Nextdoor to keep you safe!” message.Fuck you, Nextdoor, with Mark Zuckerburg’s dick (if I may use a WYTS metaphor).
Damn and all we got in my neighbor are totally cliche creepy clowns, lynched dogs, and an Annabelle-like doll that people with little kids randomly find sitting on their front porch.
That’s a terrible drawing. The description clearly said that he carries an open umbrella.
I never considered that a headless being would want an umbrella — but it makes sense! You may not want wet clothes for hours at your job, or maybe your neck stump is a little extra-sensitive since losing your head. I learned something new today. Maybe not useful but it was new.
This is the problem. Until someone develops a specific app for tracking the spirits, cryptids, megafauna and presences that infest our neighbourhoods, people will continue using services like this that aren’t appropriate for discussions of headless apparition greeting etiquette.
Recycling Coyote’s Dildoes, definitely the name of my new band.
It wasn’t a headless man. It was clearly just three midgets in a trench coat, but the top one fell off!!!Or the posters phone autocorrected hair to head. Both seem equally possible
It was 2 in the morning. The likeliest explanation is that the guy was wearing a hood, or a hat, or was really dark-skinned, or the person looking at him couldn’t really see him very well because it was 2 in the morning.Or she’s crazy.
Crazy lady. If he has no head, how would he respond?
This is a new low for creepypastas or whatever the fuck you call this asininery.
I dunno what’s more amusing…That she said hello to a headless man that surely has no ears to hear her or mouth to reply with?
That she posted it so nonchalantly on Nextdoor as if somebody would say “Oh yes, that Headless Henry.”
That somebody drew a picture of the headless man?
That the drawing has a closed umbrella instead of an open one and makes no mention of his missing fingers?I will never know.