When’s the last time you’ve even had an irrational fear of some very unlikely thing happening? After heading into the one-year mark of the pandemic, it seems like the most unthinkable things already happened. But if there’s someone who knows that bizarre shit can still happen, it’s Shannon Stevens. This Alaskan woman was bitten in the butt by a bear while sitting on the toilet.
Stevens told Associated Press that the toilet attack happened while she, her brother Erik, and his girlfriend were spending some in the wilderness and staying in Erik’s yurt 20 miles northwest of the small Alaskan town of Haines. (It doesn’t sound like our idea of a good time, but to each their own.) The snowmobile ride out to the yurt was apparently uneventful, but things went awry when Stevens went to use the outhouse. “I got out there and sat down on the toilet and immediately something bit my butt right as I sat down,” Stevens said. “I jumped up and I screamed when it happened.”
Erik came running, and the siblings first thought she’d been bitten by a smaller Alaskan animal like a squirrel or a mink. It wasn’t until after Erik took a headlamp to the outhouse that he noticed there was a bear’s face, “just looking right back up through the hole, right at me.”
Alaska Department of Fish and Game Wildlife Management Biologist Carl Koch suspects Shannon’s wound was caused by the bear swatting at her with a paw rather than being bitten. Either way, we thought this was only something that happened in the Spice World universe.
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65 Comments
Best. Headline. Ever.
Yeah Madlibs can fuck right off.
great, one more thing to worry about
And thus ended the fashion trend of “big, juicy butts.”
and I cannot lie…
Hey, at least it wasn’t that weird creature from X-Files.
Flukeman!
I was thinking of Mulder & Scully Meet the Werelizard.
Yes! Thank you!!
you mean David Duchovny?
How dare you. David Duchovny is a national treasure.
yeah, maybe in the sovereign nation of Malbonia.
You mean Maldonia? Like, from Disney? You are confusing.
Malbonia. From the MacDonald Hall series by Gordon Korman.
Don’t know it, sorry.
Without victim blaming, I would be interested to see how much pre sit checking she did. Its possible she shined her light on the seat at an angle she didnt see the bear… but I’m already paranoid enough about a sneak/rat climbing up the pipes while in the city,and I feel like for an outhouse I’d do a solid level of checking b4 I sat down so I didnt get a centipede or something in the rear.
I’m glad that you specified you were looking for bugs. I was thinking maybe bears in outhouses are a common threat that only an idiot would ignore.
To be fair, the most common toilet attacks happen in moderate climates. Have fun checking your toilet for snakes everytime you need to drop a deuce!
Black widow bites apparently used to be an issue, for guys inthe sitting position – the spiders would hang out just under the rim, waiting for flies to come along – and when something just sort of flopped down next to them…
So they showed solidarity with human females and didn’t bite them when they sat down but only the guys?
The thing about outhouses is, there are definitely spiders down there but what are you going to do about it? Better not to see.
Here’s something I was taught in medical school that you definitely want to know, and definitely don’t want to know:Before the invention of indoor plumbing, most black widow bites occurred in outhousesBlack widows don’t often invade homes, but they do like to inhabit human-built structures like sheds, barns, and outhouses. And unfortunately for those who lived before the water closet was commonplace, black widows like to retreat under the seats of outdoor privies, perhaps because the smell attracts so many delicious flies for them to catch.Men who use pit toilets should be aware of this disturbing little factoid – most black widow bites are inflicted on penises, thanks to their tendency to dangle threateningly into the black widow’s territory beneath the seat. A 1944 case study published in the Annals of Surgery noted that, of 24 black widow bite cases reviewed, eleven bites were on the penis, one was on the scrotum, and four were on the buttocks. A full 16 of the 24 victims were bitten while sitting on the toilet.
Right on both counts, Doc
Well, thanks for that.
Jenkies!
And you don’t really want to see what you *will* see, a lot of the time.
I’ve looked down into an outhouse once in my life. That was enough for me.
Smithers always regretted making him Head Bear Guy.
The movie rights have already been sold.“I’m tired of all these motherfucking bears in this motherfucking yurt!”
Maggie Smith is always a pleasure to watch.
I ain’t gonna shit on Maggie’s Farm no more…
Yurt Future Bear Gang
I live downtown in a medium sized city and I’ve never been attacked by a bear in my bathroom. Our bear patrol is working like a charm.
that’s specious reasoning
flippo, I want to buy your rock.
Thank you, honey.
You’re lucky. In my city a large bear-like animal, most likely a bear, has wandered down from the hills in search of food or perhaps employment.
The Bear Tax was totally worth it.
But are your schools safe?
See, this is why we always check twice for oncoming traffic. All it takes is that one time and boom… bear attack.
Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
In my defense, I was really startled when she sat down above me while I was using the outhouse. I think the real person to blame is the designer of the latch to indicate it’s occupied, as they clearly never had anyone with paws the size of mine do any user-testing.
Oh, please! Sir, we know exactly what you were doing. Analingus is mainstream now, just make sure it’s consensual next time or The Internet is going to cancel bears.
Shitting in the woods to good for you huh? You disgust me.
Look, I permanently lost a good friend going without any of the mod cons, so now I seek out facilities with toiler paper:http://www.anvari.org/shortjoke/Jokes_Cate/7647_the-bear-and-the-rabbit-were-having-a-shit-in-the-forest.html
Just your typical day in Alaska, nothing to see here.
I clicked on this post to get answers to questions about how outhouses are designed that are never answered. Is there a big hole in the back of this outhouse?
All outhouses are constructed with a bear hole. It allows for the facility to perform double duty as an outhouse and a bear storage unit. It’s important to Scotchguard your bear’s fur before use for easy cleanup. More seriously, I need to know the answer too. My best guess is the outhouse is built on a rise above a natural cave and the bear was using the cave, but…I’ve got questions.
In the AP article linked to it there is a back door, and im assuming the area behind the outhouse is at a lower elevation. I’m assuming thats for easier cleanup. Anyways the bear entered using a space between the back door and im assuming the ground to enter.
Thank you!
No one’s commenting on the fact that someone managed to pass a living bear into that toilet to begin with?
Oh a rural thing, because I’ve definitely gone to the bathroom and a bear wanted to eat my ….
Talk about a bear bottom…
If you had told me this happened in Florida, I would’ve believed you. Because Florida.
Floridians find gators in their bathrooms and I can’t decide if that’s worse or the same.
Okay, so I’m worried about the bear. Why was he down the hole? Did he fall in, was he stuck, Baby Jessica style? Had he already had people “going” on him? The real victim here is poor Mr. Bear! He was just trying to climb out of a hole and then a big butt gets in his way and pees on him! I think his biting/clawing was justafiablby self-defense!
What happened to the bear?
Therapy.
Wouldn’t this seem to indicate that a bear is trapped in the well of this person’s outhouse?!?
This goes on my list of “Well, that’s never happened before.” Which is why my fear of being eaten by a shark in an inland lake is rationale.
That’ll teach her
Dwight was right all along.