Twas the long, dark night before the 2020 Election when Alton Brown shared a series of tweets that will only make sense to everyone feeling absolutely unhinged at this particularly horrible moment in time. In a world beset by a pandemic that increasingly few people seem to give a shit about, a presidential election that could determine whether or not we still live in anything resembling a democracy come Friday, and—lest we forget—Murder Hornets, it’s easy to feel a little cuckoo-bananas. You are not alone. We’re all feeling kooky as fuck. Even our beloved food friend Alton Brown is popping off, and while these tweets may seem on their surface to be nary more than the ramblings of a culinary madman, I assure you dear reader that they are the most sane and relatable words I have read in this year of Hell:
Alton Brown is a real man of the people. Far more productive and coherent than a Kanye West rant, and every bit as delightfully deranged yet highly relatable as the night Susan Orlean got tanked, these tweets are sacred text:
If we all buy Fritos and cat food and run 23 Slim Jims through a juicer (would a food processor suffice?), will it break the 2020 curse???
56 Comments
I knew that one day the Southern Gothic in him would break through. It’s been simmering right under the surface for a long time.
This is the William Faulkner twist where you figure out you’ve been listening to the story from the point of view of an unreliable narrator.
I somehow never realized until your comment that Alton Brown is from the south.
Atlanta born and raised
Born in California.
Yipe! So he was. Mea culpa.He did grow up in Georgia, though.
Yeah, he grew up in Georgia. He tamed his accent for professional reasons.
He was also the cinematographer for REM’s “The One I Love” video.
Did we ever figure out what the hell was up with that “Fuck Baby Driver” Tweet from Anthony Bourdain?
Yeah the movie sucks and is overrated. Ansel Elgort is a twat who looks like he smells like beef broth.I think that’s what Bourdain was getting at.
I haven’t seen the movie, but “looks like he smells like beef broth” just became my favorite insult of all time. Congratulations!
It very much seemed like a children’s production of a crime movie, vs an actual crime movie.
It wasn’t a good movie and he was perplexed by its warm reception.
I could not have asked for a better mental breakdown from Alton Brown.
This reminds me of Chidi’s mental breakdown chili that he makes on The Good Place. “You put the Peeps in the chili pot and add some M&Ms!”
Dip your little mitts in my chili
See the dot over the i? That broke me.
Obligatory :
May I respectfully ask why you are dismissing my posts? Do you consider them outside of what is acceptable on this blog?
Chilis+sugar+chocolate=~mole
Always put some chocolate in your hot chili, and some chili power in your hot chocolate.
I have made literally hundreds of pans of Rice Krispie squares in over a hundred variations over the years (booze-flavoured squares, Rice Krispie Square “sushi”, jello- and pudding-flavoured squares, layered bars with Rice Krispie Square bases, every candy in the aisle added to Rice Krispie Squares, even once or twice an unfortunate savoury Rice Krispie Square experiment…) but I have never thought of browning the cereal first. Thank you for this.Also I would advise slightly dampening with water the hand pulling the RK mixture off the spatula – keeps the mixture from sticking to your hand and essentially turning into delicious edible napalm. And if you’re setting the squares in a pan and trying to spread the mixture evenly, avoid compressing and pushing the mixture down with said damp hand, and think of pulling the mixture instead – this gives you a less dense end product that keeps a nice crispy/chewy balance longer.
Yeah the stickiness was a problem for Brown. But the best part of the video was the exclusion of the pan.
Don’t use the coloured marshmallows otherwise the squares come out a very unappetizing gray colour
He did a really good quarntine video with how he does Popcorn(with Ghee instead of butter). It a fun watch and it makes amazing popcorn
Isn’t Alton Brown some kind of gun owning Christian conservative? Maybe he’s mocking Democrats concerned about the election?
Historically, yes, but I think he’s mellowed a bit on both the conservative and the Christian parts over the years, and regardless, I have a hard time imagining him ever being a fan of someone so boorish, ignorant, and anti-science as Trump.
He had been a member of a pretty reactionary branch of the Southern Baptists but when he was divorced a few years ago he left the church and says his social beliefs are too liberal for him to be a part of organized religion.https://people.com/food/alton-brown-opens-up-divorce-leaving-southern-baptist-church/What that means exactly isn’t completely clear — libertarian? Maybe. Mainstream Democrat? Theoretically possible. Pot smoking politics ignorer? Also possible. But he does seem to have changed his beliefs pretty significantly.
He originally claimed he left the Baptist church because of their anti-gay positions. On one of his live “Quarantine Quitchen” shows he does with his wife every week (and if you want to see a very blue Alton you should definitely be watching it) he called himself a “moderate republican” (basically Pre-Reagan) and how lonely it is.
Well, if he left the Southern baptists because of their bigotry then that puts in the same company as Jimmy Carter.
Yes. I think he’s anti-Trump, but I think a lot of his gun-owningness and conservativeness still stands. Pretty sure he voted Republican up until Trump, and I suspect he still would if the candidate was more of a traditional conservative. Like a Mike Pence type.
I def think his falling away from his church led to his divorce from his first wife. I think he is less Christian and conservative these days.ETA: https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/alton-brown-opens-2015-divorce-142747461.html?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAIC0b_kIE-BztVNCmxtGU29etiknPvtTX3RfGW8HjnuONGWuxhPE7vYassNJtdQ2pifElN7ZMZxLuqd686l3kYnPSEDzRdY5bYp38jVVXo8ZXMhTb3Y52-_qs99S5CZcSo5Yqa1h9cdLhHqCsed4TDjG7XmEQ38Xc9zwuJ418gWO
Maybe it’s just me, but the folks heading up the Christian Conservative movement don’t seem quite as Christian or as conservative these days as they used to be.
Well, that’s good – I remember him being interviewed on a few podcasts back in the day and he came off as a serious asshole.
The most mind-blowing part of that article was the mention that his daughter is 19 now.I remember the honey episode of Good Eats…when his daughter was a baby.That was a holy-crap-I’m-old moment.
He claims to be “moderate Republican” but he and his wife have been espousing some fairly leftwing views on their weekly youtube show (I think she’s pretty openly liberal). They were saying pro-BLM and anti Trump stuff a few weeks ago that got some of their “fans” riled up.
Nah. His politics have moderated quite a bit. He’s still Christian, but he left his church a few years ago because they’re anti-gay rights and he’s pro. He hates Trump. His current wife (of the last ~2 years) is a complete hippy. He does still own guns though. (Speaking from personal family experience, not all gun owners are crazy Birchers; while that describes most of my extended family, my brother is a definite straight ticket Democratic voter and has at least a dozen guns.).
Gun ownership among Democrats had been rising slowly for years, 2020 skyrocketed it. There are a lot of us who believe in strict gun control laws and regulations that have come around to the idea that owning a couple firearms isn’t a bad thing in a world where our current President seems to be running head first into facism
My brother and I grew up with guns. We lived in a rural area and would go target shooting in the back yard. I have no personal interest in owning a gun at this point in my life, but am quite aware that it’s not incompatible with otherwise liberal views.
But also not kidding that the rest of my family are crazy Bircher gun nuts so I understand being highly skeptical of gun people and gun culture. My grandparents house was almost unnavigable for all the gun racks filling up any open-ish space my grandpa could find.
I think Democrats against guns is just insanity. Consider that we have real and legitimate attempts by Republicans to destroy our constitution and rights. Then consider how much they’re against healthcare for all and taking care of Americans. Exponentially more Americans die from Republican policies not related to guns and guns kill, yes immagonnafuckingsayit, AN INSIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF PEOPLE.
Particularly when you remove suicides, which is a health crisis, anyway. People die every day and deaths from gun violence is stupid, yes. But guns protect against government oppression. It’s the simple reason we can’t get rid of terrorists. Guns DO MATTER AGAINST TOTALITARIAN REGIMES! Democrats are pathetic, moreso than Republicans if only because Democrats actually think -most of the time.
Democrats should wake the fuck up and be pro gun, anti-violence. You can have both in America when you have an establishment trying to King Trump.
He’s morphed into gun owning liberal like… a decade or more ago.
I friggin love Alton.If you haven’t been watching his Quarantine Kitchen episodes with his wife every week on youtube, you are truly missing out on some quality off the leash Alton. One of the few things that has made me laugh during all of this.
I’ve seen a couple of those videos — I love grouchy squabbling couples! Sometimes though they seem on the verge of genuinely fighting. I can’t tell whether or not it’s all an act so it’s kind of unsettling…
I think that’s the beauty/realness of it all and I love it. No matter what he says or what rant he goes off on though, he always comes back to adoring her at some moment. I think it’s probably tough for him to turn off the “TV personality” thing when he’s on camera and yet still balance it with being real and at home. For me/my perspective at least, it seems like there’s a lot of love going on between them which is great and she definitely gets some great zingers in haha.
Everyone who wants to see Alton drinking and swearing like a sailor needs to watch his weekly live Youtube show.
Don’t sleep on his replies.
I used to think Alton Brown was cool until I found out he was a pretty serious conservative. I think I read he isn’t supporting Trump, but that doesn’t change how his strong religious leanings.
I shudder to contemplate the mind that would think any of that was funny.
You seem like you’re fun at parties
You mean like parties where people watch Food Network and read Alton Brown tweets out loud? Sign me up, grandma!
I just figured someone hacked his account, or he’s legitimately having a mental health crisis. No?
He’s a right-wing turd.
Someone get that man a fainting chair. His ass got a whole slap of the vapors.
Christ! The ads on mobile are absolutely torture