As the year draws to a close and a weary world takes stock of the past 12 months, let us distract ourselves from the whirling sea of shit we continue to endure with a frivolous list of goofy band names. Because just as the sun rises and sets every day no matter what, creative people will always start bands with questionable names. I took a solemn oath in 2005 to compile them in a continually updated Evernote.
Eleven years in, the standard caveats remain: These aren’t necessarily bands that formed in the past year, but bands I encountered for the first time. Inclusion on the list isn’t a slight against the band’s music, but it’s not an endorsement, either. I generally exclude bands that are pushing a decade or more old, but I make the occasional exception.
Finally, some 2017 names came from commenter recommendations last year, so thank you for those. And now, cue up “Pomp And Circumstance,” for it is time to present the class of 2017.
Animals
- Its Twitter and Instagram usernames are “RKSBandOfficial.” THERE IS NO HIDING FROM YOUR NAME, DUDES.
- Tracks from this year’s Last Moments Of Misery: “Black Sky Absorbs You In,” “Thorn Sized Wounds,” “The Tear Between Life And Love,” “Dreading My Exclusion.” That whale is a real mope.
- Genre: “Power-slob.” Band interests: “abandon pop sensibility” (also the name of Sloth Herder’s 2012 EP). Perhaps you best know the band from its 2014 split with Horde Of The Eclipse?
Penguin Prison
Wolverine Carcass
- If you were unable to snag a copy of its 2008 split with Fuck, The Retarded Girl, you’ll be happy to know “Cum Shitters Volume 2” is available on The Necessary Archive via Bandcamp. Before you ask: Yes, it also has “To Hell With The Devil (Satan’s Cornhole Remix).”
- Sadly, “Do You Remember Real Pain?” is not at all metal.
- “Based in Ottawa and collecting members from the far reaches of Eastern Canada, We Were Sharks continue to wield the full-force of Canadian alternative music.” Whoa, the full force?
- If you think a band calling itself Those Lavender Whales would also have a song called “The Arms Of A Loving Community Around An Undeserving Individual,” you’re pretty perceptive. “A Loose Interpretation Of Something Augustine Of Hippo May Have Once Said” is available on 2012’s Tomahawk Of Praise.
- Well, what would you call your Def Leppard tribute band?
- Not to be confused with the Vermont-based company that showcases “goods from craftsmen and companies that are creating quality products and driving our economy forward from the ground up.” (From the look of their website, the economy will be driven by Vermont-related tchotchkes.) Common Deer the band hails from Toronto and has an exceptionally flowery bio:
Some artists want to shine a light in the darkness. Common Deer come with an arsenal of floodlights. Music is a balm in anxious, isolated times. In the hands of this powerful Toronto quintet, it’s a vessel of uplift, a call for camaraderie, an act of resistance against jaded nihilism.
- Bio: “Started as a joke band name crowd-sourced on Facebook, then turned into something else: therapy through music. Thanks for checking out one man working through his personal demons, badly, through the music that he loves.” Way to spoil the fun of saying something snarky, NGC.
- The video for “You Are So Pretty” collects a bunch of photos of Jennifer Lawrence and disses Bradley Cooper (Words like “Loser” and “Idiot” float around his photo, with “Bradley Cooper doesn’t wash” in the lower right.)
Beard The Lion
Coma Pony
Dogs In Stereo
- EP: I Peaked In ’07. Not to be confused with Stereo Dogs, a group of high schoolers in Alabama that plays poppy rock.
- Petheaven seems like a particularly treacly name for a pet cemetery, but there are at least two of them. Petheaven the band, a duo from Oakland, has an upcoming album called I Will Choose How I Die. It’s due out December 8, just in time for the holiday shopping season!
Treasure Mammal
Swimming With Bears
Bird Concerns
- Sure, you can call your song/EP “Is This Really Love?”, but all it’s going to do is get Whitesnake stuck in my head.
Flamingosis
Juice Jackal
Movies About Animals
Butterfly Corpse
- “Sound that will find a home with a wide variety of listeners,” raves something called GoHotShark.com.
Lily On The Horn Horse
Springtime Carnivore
The Cretin’s Cattle
- Bio excerpt: “It is utterly impossible to get a grasp of or compare what these age divergent musicians do on the stage and in their recordings.” Sure, you can hear it, but don’t even bother trying to grasp, with your feeble mind, what is happening. IT’S TOO ADVANCED. Or, uh, “Ain’t Nobody Drinking Whiskey” sounds a lot like Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.
Bigfoot
- It’s hard to say if this L.A. band is full of Magic The Gathering fans, or if they just like a good pun.
Year of the snake
- The band presumably takes its name from Hortlax, Sweden, birthplace of sole member John Eriksson (of Peter Björn And John fame). Considering cobras live in hot, tropical areas, and the warmest it gets in Hortlax is about 60 degrees in July, maybe “Hortlax Cobra” is slang for “dead snake.”
- Local bands tend to pad out their bios with inessential information about lineup changes. Behold, the apotheosis: “The band was formed and solidified in the summer of 2013. The original bass player moved out of the country and the band continued as a three piece and started playing shows for a year without a bass player which led to finding their current bass player. After another year the band split from the original drummer and found a replacement which is their current drummer.” Fascinating!
- The Denver doom-metal duo may be the only band on this list that paid for the recording of its demo with “AR-15 Ammunition and beer.” Metal!
References, proper names
- Bio: “We know what’s best for you and this country because shut up.” Releases: To All The Broads I’ve Nailed Before; If You Thought Six Million Jews Was A Lot Of People, You Should’ve Seen My Inauguration; That Makes Me Smart!; If You Wanted To Qualify For Better Health Insurance, Then Maybe You Shouldn’t Have Gotten Raped?; and the holiday classic-in-the-making, Make America Say Merry Christmas Again.
Pool Cosby
Desmond And The Tutus
Swet Shop Boys
Bear Grillz
Donna Bummer
- Two bands claim this admittedly obvious-in-retrospect moniker, one from Burlington, Massachusetts, and another from L.A. Both released music in 2015, but the latter pulled off a full-length, and the Mass. guys only did a song. But they their band interests are better: “bathing in the tears of enemies, getting forcibly removed from a local TGI Friday’s, zunes.”
Hold On, Caulfield
MC Bin Laden
- The Brazilian MC has been denied a visa to perform in the U.S. at least twice. Don’t get your hopes up, either, MC Mohammed Atta.
- Tracks featured on this year’s Meth Leppard Discography: 2015-2017: “Homophobic Nosebleed,” “My Hardcore Is More Hardcore Than Your Hardcore,” “Corporate Crust Fund.”
- The band filmed a video for “God Damn All Gentlemen” at a comic-book store, naturally.
Tonya Harding
- Again, two bands claim to the newly relevant name of America’s most infamous figure skater: some dudes in Arizona interested in “star wars, roller coasters and aggressive inline skating,” and a duo from NYC that practices in the basement of a hospital. Only the latter has an album called Punk Is Dad featuring songs like “Gov’t Funded Army Of Sluts” and “Kim Gordon Hearts Whoever.” Advantage: New Yorkers.
- Best Tribute Band of 2014, according to The Village Voice! The all-lady GNR tribute features members Axl Hose, Gash, Lizzy Straddlin’, Stevie Rattler, and Muff McKegan. Guns N’ Hoses is also the name of a decidedly less sexy 5K run/walk in Chicago and a charity boxing event in St. Louis. How versatile!
Virginia Woof
- Why yes, this is also the name of a “dog daycare” in—wait for it—Portland. Virginia Woof the band has an EP with song titles like “For God’s Chosen Vegans” and “I Cried When The Sun Said Hello To The Sea As If They Were Strangers Meeting For The First Time.”
Sob Dylan
- Several artists claim this also-obvious-in-retrospect name: a rapper who has a song called “Small Coffins For Troubled Teens” (produced by Goth Fieri), a Virginia folk-rock group (EP: I Was Told I Sound Like Mac Demarco So I Recorded A Bunch Of Songs On My Phone And Now I Want To Delete Them So Here Are A Few), and a singer-songwriter from Olympia, Washington, who had this to say about his album, Boi Bizkit:
This album is February. Things are dead n dark. U can’t leave your room. It’s okay to not leave. You gotta know yourself and love on U. Be thankful 4 the good onez and the people passing this way and that. Be honest with yourself and others. Accept the sad and accept the dark accept those who harm you and accept those who love you. there’s no one right way to do anything. I’ll always be your boi bizkit
San Holo
Forest Grump
Palm Springsteen
Grateful Shred
Shred Flintstone
Cuz Lightyear
Clownvis Presley
- The name says it all: an Elvis impersonator in clown makeup who writes songs like “Barack O’s Tacos” (“Taste the change!”) and the Christmas-themed “Jesus Christ Eatin’ On A Chicken Wing.”
Helen Kelter Skelter
Fat Lizzy
- One is, naturally, a Thin Lizzy tribute band whose name may also reflect its members’ BMIs. Another is an adolescent punk band from Northern California that cites Slipknot and Green Day as influences.
- Getting high concept here: a bunch of dudes dressed like McDonald’s characters playing Black Sabbath parody songs about fast food. They call it “drive-thru metal.”
- The Boston Globe article quoted at the top of the band’s “about” page manages to cram a whole lot of NOPE in a small amount of space: “Mumford & Sons meet the Avett Brothers with a twist of bluegrass. Old Crow Medicine Show with three-part harmonies. The Band for millennials…”
Charles Bronson And The Sundance Kid
Tart Vandelay
Stiff Middle Fingers
References, pop culture
Perfect Strangers
- One boasts that it’s “Berks County’s premier party band,” another appears to be a cover band of middle-aged dudes in Florida, and still another is a Montreal-based funk band that has a song called “1 877 GET ON DOWN.” (Funky phone numbers apparently get extra digits.)
Snowball II
All Our Exes Live In Texas
- But the band lives in Australia, so it works out.
The Island Of Misfit Toys
Texas Toast Chainsaw Massacre
- Sorry, nothing will top Texas Chainstore Manager (from last year’s list). But “Busey Up Your Ass” is a rad song title.
Gouge Away
Thelma And The Sleaze
Soul Glo
- The name presumably comes from Coming To America, but this Philly hardcore band is not fucking around, judging by songs like “Violence Against Black Women Goes Largely Unreported” and the Minor Threat rejoinder “Guilty Of Being Wait.”
- Not to be confused with the acoustic quartet from the made-up-sounding town of Toowoomba, Queensland, Australia.
Laces Out
- Too many Ace Ventura: Pet Detective fans, not enough references to go around: A Portland, Maine, band claims this name, as does a cover band from Pennsylvania, and a podcast affiliated with Barstool Sports, so hard pass.
- (Current follower count: 21)
- “Eat me out / Buy me shoes / Make me come / And then please leave!”
- A bunch of bands have claimed the Godfather character (spelled Luca Brasi) for their name, so maybe that’s why this NYC group changed the spelling and made it one word. Album title suggestion: Sleepswiththefishes.
- No surprise that a band named after a viral video describes itself as “Belgian Party Punk-Rock” and has an album called Third Time’s A Farm.
- An “emo puppet band” from Austin. Can we agree Austin is no longer in danger of losing its weirdness?
- The 14th Book of Bokonon is entitled “What Can A Thoughtful Man Hope For Mankind On Earth, Given The Experience Of The Past Million Years?” The only word in the book: “Nothing.” Man, Cat’s Cradle is great. Oh, uh, this band is from L.A.
Babeo Baggins
SomeKindaWonderful
Oscar Bait
- Songs by this “Midwest Bubblegum Dad Beer Hardcore” band: “Lars, Metallica Here,” “Let Me Show You A Hot Stunt.”
- Víctor Erice’s 1973 film The Spirit Of The Beehive is a subtle meditation on the forces that drive us, and as our Noel Murray put it, nudges “adult viewers back to a childlike state, watching in awe, faintly confused and thoroughly beguiled.” The band The Spirit Of The Beehive has an album called Pleasure Suck.
- Don’t confuse this L.A. band that “serves up heavy doses of twee punk” with the American Fancy Rat & Mouse Association, which exists “to promote and encourage the breeding and exhibition of fancy rats and mice.” Check its official rat standard designations before bringing your rat to a competition!
Mayflower Madame
The Sea The Sea
- This New York State duo presumably takes its name from Iris Murdoch’s novel, or maybe “The Graveyard By The Sea,” the poem that gave Murdoch’s book its name. Regardless, who’s saying that that MFA was a waste of time now, huh?
Die Die My Darling
- A bunch of variously punctuated bands claim this name, either as fans of the trashy 1965 film Die! Die! My Darling or the Misfits (who were fans of the film). There’s an NYC duo that may or may not exist anymore that follows the movie’s punctuation, a Misfits tribute band that doesn’t like exclamation points, and a French group that splits the difference with Die! Die! My Darling.
Brand names
- Expect lots of fawning songs about Ivanka Trump now that American Media has purchased the band.
Mr Sanka
Honnda
Thigh Master
Count Vaseline
Jerkagram
- The band released an EP in 2014 called Tired Old Horseshit, but 2015’s Let’s Talk About Us features a song called “If You Stab A Man In The Dead Of Winter, Steam Will Rise From The Wound.”
- Story: “ITS NOT THAT CEREAL…ITS THAT HOT MIXTAPE MATERIAL!!!!!!” It’s probably not the same guy, but WeddingWire.com also features a DJ General Mealz, who offers a disco ball, sound/PA system, and microphones for $650. Throw down $300 more and you get all of that and a consultation, karaoke, and MC!
First person
- Don’t expect any tours with Feel The Bern.
We Ride On
We Were Black Clouds
- Apparently they had to change their name from Black Clouds, but We Were Black Clouds is way better anyway. Also, they have a (great) song called “Santorum Sunday School.”
I Am The Polish Army
Luckily I’m The Hunter
When We Was Kids
When We Team Up
- Song: “No, Dude It IS Cool”
Someone Who Isn’t Me
We Bless This Mess
We The Heathens
Second person
You’ll Never Get To Heaven
Terribly Yours
- Song description: “‘Barbara’ imagines an ABBA demo produced by Brian Eno before it was scrapped due to band conflict. Bjorn was into Brian, but Benny couldn’t deal with the droning synthesizers. ‘Fuck you guys there’s 8 synths playing a C-note through the whole song!’ Ani Fridd couldn’t careless [sic] but loved the track title, ‘Barbara!’”
Are you glad?
INGREDIENTS: High energy and personality is DG’s formula for putting on a show worth mentioning. The driving guitars, infectious grooves and memorable melodies/harmonies distinguish their sound as a power trio keeping it real.
- When will other power trios finally learn to keep it real?!
No
Wicca Phase Springs Eternal
Killin H8
It sounds like if a combination of Saul Williams and Gift of Gab made twin babies with a combination of Queen Latifah and Sarah Silverman, and those babies grew up listening to De La Soul (which such babies probably would anyway).
- Mostly it sounds like trying way too hard.
- Band interests: “america (the band), crying, ghouls”
- Make sure to search “FlirtClub band” and not just “Flirtclub,” unless you want a bunch of results linked to “the most exclusive international swingers club couples-only of Italy.” (Among the house rules: No sex in the pool. “However, there are many other convenient locations, clean and intriguing where to do… even around the pool;)” Regarding dress code: “In general, men are always elegant, and woman are sexy and elegant with high heels. What to see major and important details on how to dress to be in tune with the club, in the section dress code.”) Anyway, the band is from Brooklyn.
Like Innocent Times
Too Close To Touch
Flesh Desperate
Daydream Time Machine
Why use S when Z looks so bitchin’?
- Winner, Most Subtweety Twitter Feed:
Hippie shit
Vinegar Mother
Hippie Sabotage
Old Fashioned Bleeding Hearts
- While that sounds like a name for a band of aging liberals, Old-Fashioned Bleeding Hearts are a type of flower (dicenta spectabilis). “What a sturdy little root,” raves Ellen on the Gurney’s Seed & Nursery Co. website.
Trying very hard
- About: “THERE IS NO BAPTISM, ONLY BURIAL.”
- Bio: “Anxiety ridden.”
- Why yes, Slaughter To Prevail weed grinders are available to purchase.
- You can always count on grindcore bands for cartoonish silliness, as seen on its split with Sedem Minut Strachu: Although its Bandcamp just groups DC’s material into “59 songs,” the titles include “Voices Tell Me I’m The Shit,” “Agent Apple Knows How To Ride A Llama,” “Years Of The Experience And The Fact That I Have No Skin,” “With Veins Like That I’d Have Me A Real Time,” “That Uncle Who Touched You Once When You Were 34,” “Vericose Veins Are On Fleek,” and, naturally, “Of Course I Don’t Have Any Friends.” Note: Bollocks Deep In Forbidden Meat, Deflowered Cunt’s split with Scratch It Until It Bleeds, was limited to nine copies.
Llllloooooonnnnnnnngggggggg
- As featured in the Urban Outfitters blog! Note: Urban Outfitters has a blog.
Gary With A Circle Around The A
- “The sound can only be described as Car Salesman Proto-Punk” raves (?) Pork.
The Controversial New ‘Skinny Pill’
Randy’s Got A Playdough Face
The New York Review Of Cocksucking
Little Timmy McFarland Of Flight 19
- From The Gospel Of Daniel:
God is sending His Son to Save Los Angeles Angels of the World from a (Flood) that is coming in AFTER 7-7-2017.
I AM the Prophet of Los Angeles for to save Lifes of the World is Number One. Second is Region. Life is more Important because without Life you don’t have Region.
God and Jesus Christ coming to Save (Us) from the (Water) that will kill Mils of People of Angels of the World in 7-7-2017 at Night for Jesus Father will send His Son to clean the Holes of Beaches of World. Only to last (10) Years only.
Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever
Robot Parts For Broken Hearts
The Good Luck Thrift Store Outfit
Anonymous {And.On.I.Must}
The Seven Fields Of Aphelion
Shrine For The Black Madonna
- About: “Celebrating the QUEEN OF TRANSCENDENT BLACKNESS – The Divine Unknowable – BEYOND CONCEPT – SO DAZZLING THAT SHE RADIATES AS DARKNESS.” That doesn’t sound like Madonna.
Full sentences
- About: “three gals writing songs about missed connections and Courteney Cox & David Arquette’s undeniable chemistry in the Scream franchise”
- Bio: “Punk-pop but not really. Indie rock but that doesn’t quite cut it. Fuck it. We have a trumpet player. That’s cool right?”
She Drew The Gun
Small Leaks Sink Ships
Everything Turned To Color
Something Is Waiting
- Bio: “We are allowed to DJ a local psuedo[sic]-Metal club and/or hole in the wall-bar that will let us DJ on an off night if we ‘draw out a few friends’ as long as we do not answer ‘What band’ this is when you come up to us and ask us when said band’s song is blaring and can barely be heard over, before you respond, ‘I thought this sounded familiar.’”
- Genre: “post-dick wave.” Songs: “Big Dog Tee Shirt Birthday Weekend,” “Another Song Called Supersoaker.”
- Its 2016 album, bornXtooXsoon, features jams like “I Saw You Standing There And Everything Inside Of Me Wanted To Talk To You But When We Made Eye Contact It Was Like Thunder And I Froze Up ✿ Now I’m Filled With Regret Again,” “Shit’s Been Shit From The Start®,” and “Aw Shit That’s Probably Going To Happen Again.”
- Bio: “three queers sippin seltzer.”
- Bio: “DL is OK. It’s a statement about the guy’s disposition – looking for fun on the beaches and barstools of New York, not always finding it, but ultimately doing all right.”
Earth Is A Death Star
They Say The Wind Made Them Crazy
- Winner, Most Overwrought Song Title: “A Rose For Love, A Stone For Killing”
“Interesting” punctuation, casing, or spelling
- “With their mixture of clean tones and hard-hitting bridge and chorus lines, LEAV/E/ARTH has a unique contrasting sound that can be enjoyable to those who prefer alternative rock as well as pop.” How many other bands can boast about their hard-hitting bridges?
Co/ntry
Ssleeping DesiresS
The Last Artful, Dodgr
PLS&TY
Nospaces
- About: “sound of bullshit dying.”
IAmTheCoffin
itoldyouiwouldeatyou
- Bio: “itoldyouiwouldeatyou is kind of a downer, but that doesn’t mean we don’t like choruses and stuff.” Influences: “Say Anything, Appleseed Cast, Joyce Manor. I don’t know, what do you like? We want to sound like that.”
Whatever the hell these are
- The C57BL/6 is a popular type of lab mouse—just know which substrain you have! Says the band’s bio: “Unlike most strains, it(mouse) drinks alcoholic beverages voluntarily. It(mouse) is more susceptible than average to morphine addiction, atherosclerosis, and age-related hearing loss.”
Sophiaaaahjkl;8901
M Ax Noi Mach
Alienood420
- Those symbols mean “Ohmslice,” and knowing that is worse than not knowing.
The New American Bible commentary draws a parallel to the Letter of Jude and the statements set forth in Genesis, suggesting that the Epistle refers implicitly to the paternity of Nephilim as heavenly beings who came to earth and had sexual intercourse with women.
(Adjective) (Plural noun)
Humble Braggers
Crooked Bangs
Eerie Gaits
Miserable Chillers
- “So this next song is about social media,” says singer-guitarist Alisha Stahnke in the video below. “Have any of you heard of that before?” Someone in the front, stage right, just flips her off.
Someone & The Such And Suches
Terra And The Dactyls
Will And The Won’ts
Hans Gruber And The Die Hards
- The guitarist’s name actually is Hans Gruber, and they have at least one song about Ghostbusters. Also: “Anti-Werewolfism Must Be Eradicated From The USA.”
Repeat Repeat
Sure Sure
Titanic Titanic
Soviet Soviet
Concrete Concrete
Whatever Whatever
- Not to be confused with Whatever/Whatever.
Black Black Black
Shots Fired Shots Fired
- It looks like the band did an EP called There’s Always Last Year dedicated to the Cubs blowing it in the playoffs this season. At least something came out of that dismal display.
You see, it’s a play on words
The Institute Of Flyer Learning
Grim Streaker
- Nothing to say here except “Guts” is super awesome.
- Me First And The Gimme Gimmes singer Spike Slawson goes the cover route again, only this time with a ukulele. Suggestion for next shtick: sitar covers under the same Sitarded.
- Genre: “lo-fi bedroom pile of shit.” Songs from this year’s Alphabet Soup: “There Is A Hell And It Is Called Orlando Florida,” “Just Paid Too Much For Avocado Toast,” “High-Maintenance House Plant.” After that, check out Thought Catalog’s “7 Major Signs You’ve Become An Insignificant Other.” Red flag if you’ve stopped talking about the future!
A Will Away
Eye Of The Destroyer
Portmantastic
- Song/hot take: “Lent Is Theft.”
- Description: “Old school pop punk from Orlando, FL. We like to get drunk and sing songs about girls, weed, and coffee.” To wit:
- Description: “anarcho feminist alien witch ‘it’s okay to abort that fetus’ blackened (lol jk) punk rock straight outta bham.” Band interests: “Destroying stereo types [sic] concerning Feminazis, calling the police out on their crap, challenging religious institutions, & beating up rapists.” Regarding that first part, check out “Attack Of The ‘Feminazis.’”
- Better than both the band name and its album title (Shattering Light’s Creation) is the name of its label: Tofu Carnage Records.
- Probably the only band with a song called “A.N.U.S.” that lists Jawbreaker as its primary influence.
!!!
- From “The Nail”: “i am a dog / hateful hound / i am jesus / and you are the nail.” That’s pretty metal-sounding, but NYC band The Machinist is the metal one.
- A few bands claim Roar, so this one from New Orleans added an exclamation point and has the URL roartheduo.com.
- Personal interests: “Songwriting, having too many cats.”
Goalie Fight!
Mayya And The Revolutionary Hell Yeah!
Sexual Thunder!
The Lord & his messengers
Jesus Sons
M.A.D.E 4 Christ
Cocaine Jesus
- “Cocaine Jesus” is also a song by 2017 listmate Rainbow Kitten Surprise.
Bright Christ
Jesus Piece
God Tiny
Ski Mask The Slump God
The Devil & his minions
Demonfuck
Satanic Hispanic
Marching Band Forms Pentagram
- Maybe they’re Onion readers?
A Devil’s Broadcast
Godstopper
Onegodless
In a world full of musicians, home studios, bands and their respective originality, ONEGODLESS decides to bring nothing new. Since everything already has been done, and everything else won’t be worth making, these brave young men decide to do something entirely different: acknowledge their total lack of cutting edge, thriving in genuine unoriginality.
- Good news: Its split with Mental Abortion is still available.
Shit
- Shit Present’s 2015 EP is pretty great; I recommend “Anxious Type.”
SHITIZEN is like the pied piper raping your ears as you hop on board the short bus. Just a drunk drive away to the gates of hell and you will find Chicagos [sic] newest, rawest, brutal sound.
Urine
- Its album Rest In Piss has a pretty rad cover:
Eww
Moist Ahoy
Moist Clown
Diarrhea Sprinkles
- Song: “Diarrhea That Killed You.”
Fuck/ing/ed
Black Fucking Cancer
Seattle Fucking Supersonics
- Songs: “Burn Ye Old White Patriarchy, Burn,” “Nappy Black Pussy,” “Don’t Touch My Hair.”
- Pro tip: Add “band” to any Google searches about this group.
Directives
Dump Him
Take A Daytrip
Get Married
Steal, Cheat And Gamble
- Bio: “Three asbestos ghosts in the halls of an old abandoned drug factory singing the blues.” Song: “I Was Stoned Last Night.”
Steal Shit Do Drugs
Wear Your Wounds
Kill The Precedent
Yo Chill
Pucker Up
Have A Good Season
Bleach Everything
Fetch The Burn Book
Revel In Romance
- Winner, Most Nonsensical Bio Lede:
With a blitz of tight, rhythmic instrumentation, wall-of-sound punk allusions, and ethereal, 3-dimensional synths, Revel in Romance, (a 5-piece Alt. Pop Rock Band out of Atlanta, GA.), has achieved a soundscape as in-depth as it is relatable.
Food & drink
- Lyrics to “Sext”: “Why do you keep sending me / Pictures I don’t want to see / Laying right now in the bed / I just want a margarita.”
Cereal Banter
Nothing For Breakfast
CupcakKe
- Twitter bio: “GOING TO SUCK 2017 DICKS IN 2017.”
Midnite Snaxxx
Youth On Soda
Nasty Snacks
What’s a Nasty Snack, you ask? It’s Tom Selleck standing under a waterfall with a saxophone, eating a ham sandwich.
- Song: “Seinfeld Sex Change”
- This is a group at war with casual dining: “Fuck Hale And Hearty Soup,” “Fuck Dallas BBQ.”
It’s what’s for dinner
Meatbodies
Meat Spreader
Meatwound
Booze
- Songs: “Wake Me Up When ‘Wake Me Up When September Ends’ Ends (Nicole’s Song),” “I Believe In ‘I Believe In A Thing Called Love,’” “I Eat Stickers All The Time, Dude!,” “…Ann Perkins!”
Champagne Superchillin
Stormtroopers Of Beer
Champagne Drip
Drugs
- Winner, Most Confusing Interests: “Destroying the parochial criteria of what it means to be a post-y2k g(o)uerilla with shiny toys and hoping to influence others to join in the pseudo beat movement, i.e. drop the bongs, drop babies, and don’t drop bombs (probably not ‘acid’ either)…”
Drug Pizza
A Drug Called Tradition
Marijuana Deathsquads
Bong Mountain
Taking Meds
- The group’s 2016 album, My Life As A Bro, features “I Only Want To Listen To My Own Band.” (Chorus: “I really prefer silence, man / I only want to listen to my own band.”)
Sex & kink
Illuminati Sex Party
Sex Scheme
Skeet Taste
Pet Sex
Leather Slave
Strap-On Ritual
Joy Of Monogamy
Hookup Culture
Clothing optional
The Naked Heroes
The Nude Party
- Genre: “Boner Pop”
Gay stuff
Your Gay Thoughts
Coach, I’m Gay
Anatomy & physiology
Clitorium
Pussy Vision
Anus Kings
The Washboard Abs
Breakfast Muff
Grubby Little Hands
Widest Smiling Faces
Cliterati
Tough Tits
- Apparently not tough enough—they disbanded this year.
Better Head
Skull Practitioners
Extended Skin Contact
Melanin Free
Period Bomb
- Albums: Yes! I’m Bleeding; Ovary Acting; Permanently Wet.
Father of mine
- Bio excerpt: “Despite what most people think, the name ‘The Freaky Baby Daddies’ has little to do with its literal meaning and more so with a multi-faceted philosophy and lifestyle. The name describes the band’s relationship with their audience and the exchange of energy that occurs when one performs for a crowd.” Way to overthink that one, guys.
Bastards
The Bastards Of Fate
Bastard Clan
Locations & nationalities
The U.S. Americans
If I Die In Mississippi
- Songs from this year’s Halloween Tape: “Hotboxin’ The Church Van,” “Throwing Away All My Boy Underwear,” “Having No Control Over Anything In Life; Becoming A Mess Of Blankets.” Last year’s Artless featured “Goth Kids By The Carousel In The Mall,” “Everyone Is Playing Pokémon Go And I’m All Out Of Data,” and “Ancient Moth Escapes The Drink Machine.”
- Bio: “ALASKALASKA are a 6 piece band that make music to make out to, and then cry about.”
- Bio: “It’s like when you take a box of spark plugs, and pour in some vinegar and rubbing alcohol, and tie it to your dog and throw that dog in the pool, and then let him run around in your neighbors [sic] house for a while to dry off but instead the neighbors [sic] kids dress him in womens [sic] clothing, and then you have to explain to your parents why you’re out of vinegar. That’s what losing my virginity was like.”
Upstate Rubdown
The Koreatown Oddity
Planet Booty
New England Axe Factory
Most Badass Asian
Death & the dead
- Track listing for the band’s debut, Piles Of Rotting Flesh—available in both regular CD and Digipack!
1. Genital Adipocere
2. Cadaveric Molestation
3. Chainsaw Disemboweled Cadaver
4. Acid Bath Orgy
5. Piles Of Rotting Flesh
6. Devoured And Defecated By Swine
7. The Butcher Of Plainsfield
8. The Burning
9. Schizophrenic Nympho
The Dead Deads
Death Hymn Number 9
Die High
Casket Huffer
October Bird Of Death
Coordinated Suicides
Melting Death Vapors
G-g-g-g-hosts
Spooky Mansion
Spirit In The Room
Adios Ghost
Ghost Piss
- Check out “Nancy, Oh Nancy,” an ode to Stranger Things’ Nancy Wheeler.
Schooling & education
Art School Jocks
Spelling Reform
The ’burbs
Suburban Living
Republican Hair
Mall Prowler
Average Joes & Janes
- Bio: “We’re the Dave Coulier of Punk.” Song: “Anthony Bourdain Ate My Dog.”
Brandon Can’t Dance
Date Night With Brian
Gladys The Gardener
Leroy From The North
- About: “Sounds like a velour track suit with a cowboy hat.”
Blue Lives Matter
- Songs from 2016's Pulled Pork: “Fuck School, Stay In Drugs” (“I never use math in my real life / But I use cocaine almost every night!”), “I Love Being A Scumbag.”
Criminals & crimes
- Songs: “Hop Out The Pussy I’m 21,” “I Might Vote 4 Donald Trump,” “Let’s Hit A Lick On The White House.”
World’s Scariest Police Chases
Tickle Torture
#resist
Occupy The Disco
Crowd The Airwaves
This Saxophone Kills Fascists
Witches
- From “Cat Call Killer”: “Cat Call Killer / Don’t tell me to smile / Cat Call Killer / You’re so fucking vile / Cat Call Killer / I just want the deli / Cat Call Killer / Why can’t you just let me be?
- Last year’s A Scream From The Tomb Below has a song called “Witch Cunt,” and 2015's The Webs Of Horror has a song called “Vomit Ritual,” so there you go. Maybe “Cunt Ritual” was also a contender for a band name?
Apparel
A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie
Bent Denim
Afire
- Maybe its music attempts to answer this Nic Cage question?
Burned Or Buried
Fire In The Radio
Liquid Solid Fire
Rhymes
- Based in Atlanta, but started in Portland, so what are the odds the name comes from the Bratmobile song? Maybe 80-20 or 90-10?
- Songs from last year’s Nursing Home For Retired Hookers: “Wheelchair Swingers [sic] Party,” “Deflowered By Ron Jeremy,” “Jackhammer Colonoscopy,” “Bin Laden Is Dead.”
Plant life
- Cross reference with subsection “No.”
- See above.
- Its most recent album is last year’s What I Said About The Pinecone, but 2015’s Embrace The Boss has “Pow To The Boss And His Sassy Retinue.”
Work life
Desperate Journalist
Headless Dentist
Skinny Cooks
Office Culture
Souvenir Driver
Sport
Psychic Jiu Jitsu
Sports Boyfriend
Fuhgawee Hunting Club
Children
Chin Up, Kid
Teenage Slang Session
Video Daughters
Kid In The Attic
Foreign language
Adiós Mundo Cruel
Avec Sans
Yo No Say
Misc.
Mirrors For Psychic Warfare
Prissy Whip
- This band isn’t having Facebook’s shit, or at least not all of it:
Punker In The Headlights
TubaFresh
Sun Abduction
- Genre: “Desert Sex Rock”
The Worst Humans
VHS Collection
Super Natural Psycho
The Loud Soft Loud
- Bio: “The Loud Soft Loud is a rock group originally from the places Wisconsin and Minnesota. The Loud Soft Loud offers more than 12 one-of-a-kind songs including: traditional rock songs with a lead guitar solo and/or a bridge, sorrowful heartache songs, harder rock songs with screams, and hopeful songs with a keyboard instrument.” A solo and/or a bridge? And hopeful keyboard songs?! Sold!
Staying For The Weekend
Harriers Of Discord
- The cover for …And They Did Live has a lot going on.
Inspired And The Sleep
Rad Horror
Proto Idiot
Kicked Off The Streets
Plaid Dracula
- EP: Plaid Sabbath
- Songs from 2014’s Destroy All Humans: “We’re Taking You Bitches Hostage,” “I Fuckin Know Kung Fu.”
- Fucking Despair, from 2011, features a song called “You Can Pick Your Nose, You Can Pick Your Friends [sic] Nose, But You Can’t Escape Your Horrible Family.” Here’s the cover:
Correction: An earlier version of this identified the C57BL/6 as a rat, when it’s a mouse. We regret the error. Still, good luck getting promoters to spell that one correctly.