Don’t say it, don’t think it: 10 villains who must not be named
Let's look at Candyman and other evil beings that can be summoned merely by calling them out
Film Features Gwen Ihnat
The new reboot of Candyman just conquered the weekend box office, making director Nia DaCosta the first Black female filmmaker to open a movie at No. 1, with over $22 million in domestic theaters in a weekend that saw a hurricane, wildfires, and another COVID surge. Maybe some moviegoers are sick of summer and eager to enter Halloween season, unable to resist the legendary tale of the killer who comes when called five times. It got us to thinking about other villains with powerful monikers. Superman’s Mr. Mxyzptlk, for example, can only be banished when he’s tricked into saying his own name backwards, while fairy tale imp Rumplestiltskin’s strength lies in the fact that no one knows his name—his power is only neutralized when you discover it. But if you really want to conjure up an evil demon, below is a list of 10 monsters (including Candyman) that will show up when you call them. Sometimes even when you just think about them. Whoops, too late.
66 Comments
What would you say Candle Jack name? Everyone knows what happens when you say Candle Ja-
This joke got so tired on 4chan years ago. I’m still sick of it. You try to change the subject but somehow bring up Candle Jack and before you-
We should have just watched a rerun of Rat Patrol.
You certainly must not blaspheme by uttering the name of Our Lord.I won’t get into the whole “villain” thing.
The manic way Cleese shouts “BLASPHEMER!!!” cracks me up every time. Geez John, leave some of the scenery for the rest of us!
The way his voice breaks on the word “clear” slays me too.
Holy soap opera effect, Batman!
Everyone talks about Monty Python being ahead of their time, but nobody points out that they were shooting DV at ultra high frame rates back in the 70s.
Yeah. Of the vids I found, it was this or a cropped one or a blurry one.This one is sort of ultra clear and blurry at the same time.
This is the first YouTube video where I’d had to turn DOWN the quality to 480p to enjoy.
Someone should make The Devil and Daniel LaRusso
Jack Butler’s gonnna like you…
Hah, I forgot about that.Notably, in that scene, Macchio’s character defeats Vai’s… and Macchio’s guitar playing was doubled by Joe Satriani, who taught Steve Vai how to play guitar.Further proof that Joe Satriani is the greatest guitar player in the universe.
First of all: Hah, I forgot about that.How dare you?Second of all, I thought it was Ry Cooder playing Danny’s licks? And I think Vai played the Caprice.At least they didn’t get fucking Yngwie.
I’ve poked around a bit and it seems like Cooder cowrote the movie’s music with Vai, but I keep seeing claims here and there that Satriani performed the actual playing for Macchio (at least in the final duel). But that could be wrong; Satch isn’t credited on IMDB or in the Wikipedia article.(Satch is still the greatest guitarist in the universe)
I got the Yngwie last year. My pee pee fell off.
He discourages allot of up and coming boys
Someone should make The Devil and Daniel LaRussoWasn’t that Crossroads?
Rumpole of the Bailey’s wife is ‘she who must not be named’.
Nope, its “she who must be obeyed”😎
You forgot BIGGIE SMALLS. As we saw on South Park, the last thing you want to do is summon Biggie on Halloween when he’s on a plane to Satan’s Super Sweet Sixteen party.
Well, Miracle Max made his wife promise never to say Humperdinck’s name.
At least he didn’t show up after.
I can’t read that name without thinking of
Poe beat Benet to that concept with “Never Bet the Devil Your Head”, later adapted by Fellini into the “Spirits of the Dead” anthology segment “Toby Dammit” starring Terrence Stamp.
She who shall not be named, Envy Adams, is way scarier than Voldemort.
I love that quote so much. It’s so delightfully bitchy.
I loved her in that movie
Next up: Villains whose names you have to say
Daniel Webster is a guy whose reputation hasn’t really held up by today’s assessment though. The point of “The Devil and Daniel Webster” is that Webster was so clever he could outsmart the Devil. But in real life his main accomplishment was just kicking the inevitable Civil War a few years into the future by making morally unjustifiable concessions to the South, which didn’t even work.
Spanish Inquisition the most beloved Python routine? Bah, no. Parrot Sketch? Ministry Of Silly Walks? Black Knight? Lumberjack Song? Cheese Shop? Argument Room?
What about Spam, Spam, Killer Joke, Spam, Spam, Upperclass Twit Of The Year, Spam, Spam, Job Interview, Spam, Spam, Philosopher’s Song, Spam, Four Yorkshiremen, Spam, Nudge Nudge, Spam, and Spam?
Have you got anything without Nudge Nudge in it?
BLEEUURGH!
Shut that bloody bouzouki up!
Upper Class Twit of the Year is a favourite for sure.
My favorite bit from that sketch has to be “He doesn’t know when he’s beaten. He doesn’t know when he’s winning, either. He doesn’t have any sort of sensory apparatus.”
Parrot Sketch, Cheese Shop, Spanish Inquisition, Lumberjack, Spam. My personal favorite is The Bishop, though. “We was too late. The Reverend Grundy bit the ceiling.”
Mine too! I love when he uses his staff as a phone Maxwell Smart-style. I was going to share a clip, but YT must have cracked down on MP clips because I can’t find one. Terry Jones is my favorite Python, and it’s sad that he is no longer with us. I enjoyed his very entertaining series on medieval life:
It’s insane how much better they are than the #2 greatest comedy sketch show, whatever that might be. MP is so far ahead they should name a astronomy unit of distance measurement after it.
I rewatched the whole of MPFC recently. 50 years later it’s still absolutely fresh.
I know, right? The favourite Monty Python sketch
NO-ONE expects the Spanish inquisition[sorry]
One of the funniest long-running gags that practically no one caught in Community is that the third time over several episodes someone said “Betelgeuse” someone wandered through the background outside the study room dressed like Keaton.I wish I could claim I spotted it, but of course this tidbit was brought to my attention by YouTube.
My favorite Community bit is when they say “Beetlejuice” for the third time in the series, a guy in a Beetlejuice costume walks through the background. Edit: Seriously, fuck the text editor on this site.
Perhaps Yoda was just running his speech through a voice synthesizer connected to a Kinja editor window.
here it is, all better:
My favorite Community bit is when they say “Beetlejuice” for the third time in the series, a guy in a Beetlejuice costume walks through the background
you’re welcome
It’s like those Buzzfeed articles that say “Comments have been edited for clarity” despite countless errors in spelling, punctuation, etc. Editors must be like chickens to the Bluth family, because clearly no one has ever seen one.
Seriously. All I did was dare to dream that I could link the “Beetlejuice costume” bit and it magically transported it to the beginning…and lost the link. It all looked normal in the preview, but here we are. Amazing that in 2021, this technology remains out of our grasp.
Jimmy Jak, any relation to Candle Jack?
The taboo on Voldemort’s name (figuratively, not the literal spell attached in book 7) was always a Death Eater construct to help maintain fear. Potter’s casual disregard was nice, but once he learned Voldemort’s real name, he should have spent the rest of the series calling him Tom. Because that would have REALLY pissed him off.See also: The Former Guy. I hope that pisses him off.
How dare you suggest Harry deadnames Voldemort?
I was always told if you say Bruce 3 times in a row, Jaws 1, 2 and 3 come after you in a tub! The third one is in 3-d! Don’t say it a 4th time then Bruce comes for revenge!
I’m glad you knew the shark’s real name. Too many people call him Free Willy Frankenstein
Bruce deserves all the respect in the world! As Bruce the shark is greater than Bruce the Batman, Bruce the Springsteen but maybe not as great as Bruce the Campbell!
Free Willy FrankensteinWILLY FRANKENSTEIN WAS WRONGFULLY IMPRISONED.
Don’t say it a 4th time then Bruce comes for revenge!But Michael Cain gets a new wing added to his mansion.
Thank you for putting Candlejack on the list–aw nuts!
Bloody Mary deserves better movies than what its gotten. It should focus on 1 person, and be a very concentrated curse, with a feeling of inevitability to it, like in The Ring or Drag Me to Hell.
A Bloody Mary! Well, missus, I don’t LIKE the Bloody Mary! NO sir! It’s too BURNING!Has there been an Archer episode when Archer ends up summoning Bloody Mary after slurring his way through his “Bloody Mary, full of vodka” sermon?
(Don’t worry, it probably has to be from a sufficiently evil eldritch tome to actually take effect, and The A.V. Club probably don’t count. Probably.)The A.V. Club doesn’t count, in general. Unfortunately, this is a slideshow, and, well…For people who don’t want to click through slides, or resize their window, or pull the tab out to be its own window and resize that:CandymanBeetlejuice/BetelgeuseVoldemortThe Bye Bye ManBloody MaryCandle JackThe Spanish InquisitionMr. Scratch (The Devil and Daniel Webster)HasturY’go—
Very lazy to ignore the Taboo in Voldemort’s entry. At least my fellow commenters put in some effort.
I’m really pleased to see two Cthulhu Mythos entities on this list, especially Y’golonac. That’s one heck of a deep cut.
Hastur and Y’golonac were the first two baddies I thought of when I saw this article. And I expected to find neither. More fool me.
As a kid, going to the movies was uncommon enough that is was a real treat. I would never, ever admit it if I didn’t like a movie, because I thought that would protect my parents from feeling bad about having spent the money. 11 year old me hated Beetlejuice so much that I couldn’t hide it. My mom must have sensed it though because walking out she said “that was the biggest turd I’ve ever seen.” That curious (and very much out of character) almost-swear effectively let me off whatever hook I thought I was on. Moms are great. Beetlejuice was terrible.
Macbeth.