It’s time we had a dry, statistical analysis of Air Bud, the dog who sucks at basketball
Aux Features Air Bud
Sure, there’s nothing in the rules that says a dog can’t play basketball, but there’s also nothing in the rules that says we can’t talk about how much that dog actually sucks. A new article from Mel Magazine (which, full disclosure, is written by ClickHole and Onion contributor Rajat Suresh) does just that via a much-needed gameplay analysis of the 1997 children’s movie Air Bud. In that film, a Golden Retriever named Buddy becomes a local sports hero after discovering his uncanny ability to knock a basketball into a hoop with his damn face. In the end, Buddy’s skills help the ragtag team of kids win the big game or, at least, that’s what the movie would like you to think. As Mel points out, the statistics just don’t back up the narrative.
Using custom metrics designed to analyze Air Bud’s specific style of play, we can see that our canine friend is 80% from the field when his friend Josh is throwing the basketball full force at his head. Unfortunately, when a ball is not being thrown at his head, Buddy is worse than useless, making 0% of zero shots. Your average human player may have a lower overall success rate, but they’re at least able to take shots with or without a friend throwing a ball at their face. “No two ways about it: This is absolutely damning for Air Bud,” writes Mel.
The more you look at Air Bud’s gameplay footage, the more obvious his lack of skill becomes. This dog never gets a single rebound and only seems capable of passing or shooting as soon as he gets his muzzle on the ball. He gets a couple nice steals over the course of the game, but those come as a result of the opposing team essentially passing him the ball, seemingly thrilled at the chance to see a dog play basketball.
Finally, if we’re going to be frank about Air Bud’s abilities on the court, we must address the fact that this dog is, without a doubt, absolutely pissing everywhere. One look at his Piss Chart—a new data visualization tool created just for this purpose—and it’s easy to see that Air Bud is more of a hinderance to a team than a help. How he fairs in other sports, such as football, baseball, and volleyball, remains to be seen.
Read Mel Magazine’s full analysis here, with accompanying visual aids.
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23 Comments
You forgot to mention Air Bud’s free throw percentage is .2 higher than Shaquille O’Neal’s.
Wait — with that triple-negative, does that mean there IS a rule that says a dog can’t play basketball?
I can’t believe Hollywood lied to me!
He also sucks at welding.
The dog that played Air Bud, Micky, died 12 years ago.
I going to watch a bad movie tonight in his honor.
Free Willy was also freed from the bonds of Earth in ‘09 or so. Might want to start there.
I kinda liked Air Bud 2 : Air Yeller.
Yeah, that Air Bud is no Jimmy Chitwood. That kid could play!
So, here’s the thing about “nothing in the rules that says a dog can’t play basketball”. Until relatively recently, there was nothing in my University’s sexual harassment policy that explicitly barred someone from showing their genitals to a fellow employee. That’s because it seemed like this was such an obvious thing you you should not do, there was no reason to state it in the policy. That said, there probably are plenty of things in the rules that would prevent a dog from playing basketball in this league, especially at the last minute. For example, every child participant in the league probably has to get a physical before they can join the league. No child would be allowed to play in a game without one. Did Budd get a physical and fill out all thew forms? Is Budd the right age? How would you count that? People years? Dog years?
He isn’t a child. So it doesn’t matter if the children have to get a physical (which they don’t, this isn’t the nba).
Kids have to have physicals within the past year to participate in school sports, camps, and club leagues, at least in most localities.
And if he isn’t a child, he can’t participate in children’s sports.
But the rules dont say that he can’t, so he definitely can.
This was funnier as a short concept that it was when fully fleshed out.
This article by Jesse McLaren is the perfect follow-up read: https://www.maxim.com/entertainment/5-times-air-bud-franchise-out-crazied-itself
liked this concept better when it was done for bugs bunny. http://www.ussmariner.com/2006/03/12/bugs-bunny-greatest-banned-player-ever/
They actually trained a dog to make baskets off his face for some of the shots. Others were camera trickery, maybe a touch of cg here and there. I imagine that nowadays it would be 100% cg.
I prefer cloned Lincoln’s giraffe based version: “It Takes a Hero”.
So what you’re saying Buddy is the prototypical 3-and-D Guy?