It’s 2024 and Jennifer Coolidge is starring in a Minecraft movie
If you thought 2023 was the year of product placement films, just wait until you hear about J.J. Abrams' Hot Wheels
Aux News Jennifer Coolidge
At this point, the best we can do is throw up our hands and say… you know what, fine. Sure! We’re only 17 days into the new year and two-time Emmy Award winning actor Jennifer Coolidge is officially starring in a Minecraft movie. That’s fine. Everything is fine!
The announcement that Coolidge will trade gays who try to kill you for blocks that try to kill you came today from Deadline. The Jared Hess-directed film will be based on the immensely popular Mojang/Microsoft game, which lets users inhabit little block people living and working in a world made out of blocks where an infinite number of mods and different game modes can make the blocks do an infinite number of things.
You know what? We honestly may have laughed at this casting too early. This goofy movie may turn out to be Coolidge’s magnum opus. Lest we forget, this is the same actor who once said her dream role was to play a real dolphin like Flipper. Hess, we beg you, download this mod where you can play the game as a dolphin and let Coolidge live out that dream. She’s not the only one that needs it.
In addition to Coolidge, the film also stars Jason Momoa, Emma Myers, Danielle Brooks, Sebastian Eugene Hansen, and Jack Black, who’s really run the whole video-game-to-movie-adaptation gamut as of late. Not much else is known about the story thus far, and Deadline reports that writing credits are still being determined. If there are still holes in the script, we’d like to humbly remind the team that it’s totally okay if they don’t want to download the last dolphin mod we suggested; you can keep them as pets too!
Minecraft is currently slated for April 2025, which means that anyone frustrated by the recent boom in films about pre-existing stuff has a long road ahead of them. If it all feels like too much, maybe J.J. Abrams’ Hot Wheels or Daniel Kaluuya’s “surrealistic,” “A24-type” Barney will change your mind.
15 Comments
Always weird when Hollywood’s penchant for franchises/branding/remakes/sequels is some new or escalating phenomenon, and not just how Hollywood has done business like…forever….
Somehow, despite scores of Universal Monster movies, dozens of James Bond films, dozens of Conan Doyle and Agatha Christy adaptations (including not fewer than four multi-film “franchises” starring the same lead actors,) four movies each for Super Man and Batman, five Fathers of the Bride, nine Ultramen, five Planets of the Apes, five Rockys, NINE Pink Panthers, five Death Wishes, and ten Star Treks,* people still act like Star Wars and Marvel invented remakes, reboots, and sequels.
*most of these figures don’t include anything made in the 21st century.
There were nine Trek movies in the 20th Century(Nemesis was released in 2002).
I said “most.” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But, yeah, I shifted from an “all-time” view to a “20th century” view half-way through, but didn’t feel like updating everything. I think for the sake of the argument, ten is as good as nine.
My childhood was flooded with projects in the toy/game-to-film/TV pipeline. GI Joe, Transformers, Star Wars, Thundercats, Garfield, Care Bears, Dungeons & Dragons. Very few purely original things were thrown our way. Also, plenty of original content is being made (historically speaking, more than ever) — just mostly in streaming/TV.
what does ‘writing credits are still being determined’ mean?does that mean there’s no script? they have a base storyline worked out? have multiple scripts on the go from multiple teams or like…is ai writing it?i know hollywood is a weird place but that’s a fairly robust cast if there’s no script.
The script will be written by several 11 year old boys.
Is Alan Smithee retired?
…and will probably feature many chicken jokes.
Probably means every writer they asked to write a Minecraft script either laughed in their face or committed suicide from the sheer impossibility of the task.But seriously, how are they going to make a Minecraft movie? Like an actual in game story thing? A meta thing about a real person playing the game? A biopic about Notch? The mind boggles.
they did an okay job with the telltale game ‘minecraft story mode’.
They have yet to find people to blame for when the film inevitably flops.
I think it might mean they have several drafts of scripts by different writers including from the Rob McElhenney days of the project and determining if they have to credit any of those previous writers for the current version. If there’s any common plot points, story credit will have to be shared around with whoever wrote it first! That’s my guess anyway.
I look forward to hearing Billie Eilish’s hit song, “What Was I Mined For?”
A Minecraft movie adaptation just seems like one of the stupidest ill adapted cash grab crossover projects possible.