Josh Brolin’s taint is on fire.
Look, none of us are happy to report this news, least of all Brolin, from the sound of things. In an Instagram post this past weekend, Thanos confessed he tried one of the newest dumbass “wellness” trends making the rounds online—perineum sunning—which involves spread-eagling in the sun in hopes of tanning your undercarriage.
“My pucker hole is crazy burned,” wrote the Academy Award-nominated star of Milk, No Country for Old Men, and Inherent Vice. “…I was going to spend the day shopping with my family and instead I’m icing and using aloe and burn creams because of the severity of the pain,” he continued, in case your own mental image of Josh Brolin with first-degree burns on his ass is still somewhat hazy.
Brolin appears to have gotten the idea from someone named Metaphysical Meagan, a self-described “Healer, Teacher,” and “Embodied Mermaid” who recently told her nearly 30,000 Instagram followers that exposing your butt to UV radiation is good, actually, because it is derived from an ancient Taoist practice that strengthens one’s organs, increases their creativity, regulates their circadian rhythm, and improves their libido, among many other positive results. Somehow, she apparently isn’t the first person to claim this habit is good for you, either.
We feel it is our duty to point out what may be rather obvious—it’s not, in fact, derived from an ancient Taoist practice, and does not do any of these things.
So, there you have it, reader. It’s Tuesday morning, and Josh Brolin’s butthole hurts because a wellness influencer told him to tan his taint like the Taoists do.
(via Slate)
89 Comments
So instead of Ant-Man going into his butt, the Avengers could have beaten Thanos just by exposing his corn hole to sunlight?
“You should’ve gone… for the ass”
That would be such an inconvenient area to develop melanoma. How would you even check for it?
Really good friends.
As the old saying goes, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t inspect your friends’ anus for melanoma.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Can’t they just check it when they do the prostate poke?
Your mother used to tell you that too?
Man, Kashi’s got this market covered!
I wouldn’t inflict that on friends. My enemies, OTOH…
“Hey honey, while I was finger-banging you last night I felt something unusual…”
If only the Avengers had known about Thanos’ secret weakness, so much suffering could have been avoided. Except for Thanos’ suffering, that is.
This was his real reason for wanting all the Infinity Stones. Only all of the Infinity Stones attached to the gauntlet would be powerful enough to apply the level of Preparation H mixed with Aloe Vera he needed!!
Watch the way he walks in that movie and tell me he doesn’t have a scorched pucker hole.
Good actor makes unimportant and too personal announcement of personal hygenic mistake. Pop Culture website covers it as part of faux-ironic feature. Idiot clicks and makes not particularly smart comment. Earth continues to rotate on axis.
If you’ve thus diagnosed your stimulus-response-ennui existence, just unplug and go outside, ffs.
Internet stranger with sitcom user name responds with rage of an implied humorous nature.
I FIND THIS SCHTICK ANNOYING BUT CAN ONLY ADMIRE IT’S EFFECTIVENESS.
Terry Pratchett’s collector of souls begrudgingly admires gimmick comment style. Said style begins to wear thin.
ITS(That’s not me-being-angry-at-your-bad-grammar shouting, that’s me-matching-the-capitalization-of-the-word-I’m-correcting shouting.)
If you’re reading ‘rage’ in my answer, then you truly need the advice.(If it’s just schtick, then I apologize for the concern.)
It’s just a schtick. While I have definitely been at low points in my life where I really am trapped in a cycle of sorts, I live pretty healthfully right now. Thanks for the concern and apologies for any misunderstanding. The original comment actually came from a place of joy believe it or not.
Sincerity from here too. Understood. Carry on.
And don’t forget to sun your asshole! You forgot that part.
Trenchant analysis from someone who is clearly dead inside. I can’t say I understand your hobby of hate-reading websites, but anything that keeps you from downing the whole bottle of pills is a good thing, right?
Angry commenter misunderstands silly comment, proceeds to hyperbolically and self-righteously respond. Brings up suicide to seem edgy.
Life gets better. Just hang in there.
Realizing mistake, commenter switches from vitriol to condescension. Original idiot accepts the change.
“When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high…”
“And don’t be afraid of the dark…”
Its the Circle of Life!
Good joke. Everybody laugh.
Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face.The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown.
Are you Werner Herzog?
Aren’t we all?
Je suis Werner Herzog.
*stands up on deskI’m Werner Herzog!
*stares down Roman soldierNo I’m Werner Herzog!
Sounds like someone could use some butthole-tanning!
MY BISCUITS ARE BURNIN’!
I’m pretty sure he was joking….
Just a quick public service announcement: if you’re reading this story out loud to anyone, the correct pronunciation of the last sentence is “(d)an his (d)aint like the (D)oaists do.”
You’re welcome.
After having a mole removed for skin cancer, I can’t imagine this being anything but a bad idea…
I guess we can stick this “Wellness Influence” where the sun don’t shine, right guys?
Ironically, he doesn’t have a place where the sun don’t shine anymore.
Look, I kind of know the guy. And the chances that he was serious AT ALL about the entire post are fairly slim. He’s kind of a jokester.
Handing him his change in the Arby’s drive-thru window does not mean you know him.
Oooo. Good burn. But no, I actually do. We’re well acquainted through several friends in common.
And I assume that at one point in your lives, you all went hunting for the rich stuff together.Please drive through.
Good burn.I see what you did there.
Whoa… ha — I wasn’t even trying. But I get it now. (duh, me)
I believe you. I’m best friends with Frank Stallone.
I believe you. I’m best friends with…You guessed it,Frank Stalloneftfy
I don’t even think you need to kind of know him to realize this is a joke?
Some people were responding as if they were unaware that he hadn’t really done it.
I think you only need a working knowledge of human behavior to know this a joke.
Funny, funny. As a tangent, Ryan Reynolds hasn’t YET weighed in on this deep subject. I checked his Twitter, so I kind of know him now too, right?
I don’t understand why it’s so hard for people to assume an AVClub reader might ACTUALLY be friendly acquaintances with a famous person? I know like 3-5 other famous people too. Maybe it’s an L.A. thing?
I don’t know – I read an article about him once and I think he’s being sincere.
Settle down… but ok. Nice burn.
“Kind of know” versus “know well enough to describe the level of coloration of the man’s taint” are two very different levels of intimacy.
A. “Who’s the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?”B. Glad I found out about this after Thanos is done in the MCU. He’s done as far as gravitas is concerned.
He did realise it was only meant to be 30 seconds of butthole exposure?
Ah yes. Because this trend only because stupid after more than 30 seconds.
And/or this fad is definitely going to attract people with a sense of moderation in all things.
“becomes stupid”
Instagram science is the strongest of all the fake sciences.
Taint misbehavin’
You’ve just been Brolined!
This didn’t actually happen.
hmm, whole bunch of comments, not one containing the phrase “red ass”. I’ll check back later
And what did it cost?Everything.
Y’know, I didn’t think about Josh Brolin much before but now I think he’s a bloody idiot.
first world problems – can’t go shopping b/c i followed a crazy stupid computer trend thing.
But gets him out of schlepping round some supermarket or big box store or some outer circle of hell. Probably worth the singed balloon knot.
Another perfect example of why you shouldn’t take advice from just famous people. They can be just as uninformed as the rest of us, and stupid.
I think Carrie Fisher and Janie Lee Curtis may be the only two second generation Hollywood types that ever had half a foot in the real world.
Bruh
Some things people do since they’re such sheep just boggle me. Out of hundreds of thousands of years of cavemen existing, when would a human ever sun his anus? Answer: never. So if a human did it in the past to give us an evolutionary reason for doing so (get sunlight on upper skin for vitamin D production), then fine. But not sunning your butthole—get real.
Anybody dumb enough to fall for this crap deserves a few days of uncomfortable asshole pain. Maybe I was just raised to think for myself and that’s much more uncommon than I think, but when someone says “Hey you should try this for your health”, my first instinct is to say “[CITATION NEEDED]”
More like James Broilin’! Amirite? Amirite? Eh?ah screw the lot of ya…..
You do realise the pic illustrating this is in fact from the film version of The Invisible Man…
“Dread it, run from it, put some aloe on it.”
The first line and a half were funny. Then he overplayed the joke. Don’t overplay the joke, don’t overexpose your taint. Lessons to live by. Also, I could totally imagine James Brolin doing this.
I read the title and assumed the film he’s shooting had something to do with it. This is why stillsuits were invented.
All that money he’s made being in movies and he takes advice from an Instagram “mermaid.” He got what he deserved.
Fake news. If he actually did it, his nuts would have been roasted. Which would have made it the headline, not Brolin’s taint!