Justin Bieber challenged Tom Cruise to an MMA fight and Conor McGregor wants to host it
Aux Features Justin bieber
How was your weekend? Good? Did you get outside and enjoy that early summer weather? Maybe have a barbecue or take a trip to the pool or beach? Did you finally find time to knock off a few chapters of that book? Did you challenge Tom Cruise to an MMA fight?
Yes, that’s our dear friend Justin Bieber, age 25, staving off the Sunday scaries by challenging the 56-year-old star of Mission: Impossible—Fallout to a fight. It’s difficult to say what precisely spurred the Biebs’ desire for martial combat with a man 31 years older than himself, but whatever the reason, Bieber already has one man in his corner: occasional UFC fighter and full-time clown show Conor McGregor.
You can’t have a fight without an undercard, but worry not, McGregor has a solution for that, too.
Sure, why not? Mark Wahlberg seems like the type of dude who thinks he could beat Conor McGregor, and McGregor seems to have abandoned serious fighting in favor of stupid bullshit like this anyway. He’s stepped into the octagon exactly once since 2016, in service of receiving a brutal beating at the hands of Khabib Nurmagomedov that made it clear McGregor is no longer a top fighter, if he ever truly was. Surely Wahlberg could find time to fit some MMA training into his daily schedule.
Bieber, meanwhile, seemed perhaps to have settled down since he found religion and then got married last fall. No more abandoning monkeys in Germany. No more hotboxing private weed planes. No more peeing in buckets while slandering former presidents. It is difficult to tell if this challenge is a deviation from that path, or if it is just another step on the path to mature adulthood. Sooner or later, we must all cage-fight the Tom Cruises of our own restless souls.
But you are not here to know the unknowable that resides within a Canadian pop star’s heart. What you want to know is whom to bet on in this semi-hypothetical matchup, and thankfully there is no shortage of degenerates in the U.K. to provide you with odds. Per the British gambling site Oddschecker, bookmakers have opened betting with Cruise as a 1/2 favorite over the younger Biebs.
“Cruise’s performance in Far and Away highlighted his [on screen] boxing ability,” said Oddschecker’s Callum Wilson. “On the other hand, Bieber seemed to struggle in a scuffle with Orlando Bloom a few years ago. Expect Cruise’s odds to drop as time progresses.”
While Cruise’s athleticism by way of performing his own stunts and being a frighteningly intense crazy person is well known, Bieber is mostly known for playing basketball incredibly poorly. Tom Cruise can/would/will kick Justin Bieber’s ass.
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69 Comments
Even if Bieber murders him, Cruise will just come back revived with more knowledge like in “Edge of Tomorrow” because let’s face it, in a celebrity deathmatch, All You Need is Kill.
This is going to be the undercard
Isn’t that Cruise on the right?
No, the one on the right is taller than Cruise.
Anyone interested in McGregor vs Beiber? I would give up a month’s worth of wages to see that.
I wonder how much oddsmakers are handicapping that fake boxing ability from 27 years (!!!) ago?Still, he’s probably in better shape now than he was then and definitely knows a lot more dirty tricks.
Tom Cruise is the kind of crazy that you absolutely don’t want to fight. Justin Bieber is the kind of crazy that you absolutely do want to fight.
All of them
Cruise needs to accept. YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO LEGALLY KICK BIEBER’S ASS! FUCKING DO IT!
Cruise will gouge out your eye and then eat it.
wait…. WHICH eye?
CGI
I love how Lonely Island made fun of Beiber’s basketball skills in Popstar.
You know that you’ve messed up when Andy Samberg is clowning on your physical or athletic prowess.
Cool, I hope it happens and Tom immediately drops him into a kimura and shatters his arm before he can even attempt to tap. Meanwhile I hope a plane falls on Connor McGregor.
Not that he’d take the time to respond for obvious reasons, but I’m fairly sure Cruise, at age 56, could wreck man-baby Biebs any day of the week. The guy’s pretty physical, and has been doing his own stunts in movies for ages now and takes everything he does super seriously, like the Scieno superman he is. Biebs on the other hand is an overgrown child dopehead, so odds don’t favor him…
Exactly. His stuntwork alone is what makes me think he’d end this thing in the first round; he would train with a single-minded determination for like 2 weeks and attain skills on par with the average Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu purple belt.As you also point out, we can’t ignore that Tom has gone up the bridge and now possesses both Freedom from Overwhelm and Cause over Life. Mentally, he’s already won, he just has to realize the actualization.
Brenden Fraser was known for doing his own stunts and his body is a broken mess as a result, who’s to say Tom isn’t in the same condition?
Because Tom Cruise is still doing them?
Indeed. And it’s not even the doing of his own stunts that impresses me, it’s his apparent ability to willpower through the pain. At my age of 55 I might be able to “do the stunts” (some, anyway — short bursts of activity under careful supervision), but I’d be much less likely to complete a scene after shattering my ankle.
If it were me, at a certain point, the dichotomy of my life-arguments would burst my engram-hood.
“i am amazing” / “all others are worthless sheep”
“i am in peak physical condition” / “i destroy myself for my fans”
“my fans are all sheep” / “i destroy myself for worthless sheep”
“i am an amazing man whose value in part arises because i constantly risk self-destruction for the adulation of useless, mind-controlled sheep whose opinions are worthless”
* brain goes pop *
Jesus Christ. Who looks at that absolutely insane pile of words and thinks “Now this is a program that can turn my life around!”
The Clear has no engrams which can be restimulated to throw out the correctness of computation by entering hidden and false data.
The Clear has no engrams which can be restimulated to throw out the
correctness of computation by entering hidden and false data.
Dude, you seem to have reached Level Five, but you clearly haven’t reached level Five A. That’s where you learn to restimulate your engrams via hidden data deemed ‘false’ to the lesser minds stuck at Level Five.* Then once you get to Level Seven, you find that the False is the True and the True is the Falso and you start again at “The Real Level One”.
* like a bunch of fucking sheep
Would’ve been awesome if Cruise just replied, “No chance, dopehead”.
Whoever loses, we win.
Based on everything I’ve read, I don’t think it would be a smart idea to fight Tom Cruise. Even if it is for screen, I’ve read multiple interviews with different people which state that Cruise essentially goes through actual combat training in order to look credible in his roles, while Bieber… Probably doesn’t do anything of the sort.
Bieber should have challenged him to a sing-0ff … but I wouldn’t put it past Cruise with his crazy intensity to train hard and win that one, too.
Did you see Rock of Ages? While it is somewhat possible to translate amazing personal charisma into singing, Tom *definitely* proved the limits of this approach in that movie.
I didn’t, but Meryl Streep is a good example of an actor who’s so good at acting they can deliver a good performance as a singer, despite not having a great singing voice. Not to beat a dead horse, but Pierce Brosnan is a counterexample.
What kind of 20-something goof challenges a 56 year old to an MMA fight? You just can’t look good no matter how well you fight against the latter.
Justin Bieber: “Tom if you dont take this fight your scared and you will never live it down.” Tom Cruise:
*you’reWhat a fucktard. I’m sure he’ll be just fine, Biebs. Go back to your Jesus.
I’m going to have to star you for “fucktard”, which you don’t see very often these days.
I’m sure I’ve been flagged by some woke 2o-year-old barista for using it who just flagged me again for using the word ‘barista’ in a derogatory fashion. Oh well.
but i like dave barista
Today in “Mad Libs”…..
can’t tom cruise fly? that seems like a huge advantage in a fight
Not so much when they lay some ground rules
If a Canadian challenged a Scientologist to a fight normally I’d easily side with just about any Canadian.
I gotta say…that’s still one of the cutest mugshots I’ve ever seen.
My favourite is still Kimora Lee Simmons. She is **baked** in her pic.
She’s striking a pose…
ha! I would spend all the money to watch Tom Cruise beat the shit out of Beib, but it’ll never happen. First, because Tom Cruise isn’t an idiot and wouldn’t tarnish his name with this shit, and second because Justin Beiber is an idiot but seems like the kinda guy who talks shit until he sees a fist.
Didn’t Bieber hide behind his bodyguards when Legolas came after him?He’s a tough guy, thats for sure.
He’s just lucky Bloom doesn’t carry his bow around everywhere…
that bow was CGI
Tom by all accounts is way, way too nice of a guy to throw a punch in the first place outside of acting.Tom would throw the first punch, win the match. Apologize to Justin, ride with him to the hospital and stay at his bedside until he regains consciousness, then make sure he had everything needed to make him comfortable.Like Colin Farrell’s character from that one episode of Scrubs.
Sure. But I’ll bet with some talking to he might be persuaded to kick Bieber’s ass. Here’s hoping.
Is Bieber really drug free now? Because this is the kind of shit you think up during a 2 AM coke binge after getting kicked out of Buffalo Wild Wings for yelling too loudly at one of the many televisions.
In pre-fight smack talk, Biebs insults Suri; Cruise kills Bieber in first five seconds of fight; referee looks the other way; pay-per-view sets new record; Ewoks sing celebration song; Joe Rogan does boiler plate post-match interview; Cruise announces new MI:# movie. We are all entertained.
I think you mean Hillsong just challenged Scientology to a fight!
This seems like a lose-lose situation for Bieber. Like if a fight were to happen, if he won he would be the man who beat up another over twice his age. If he loses, he is the guy who got his ass kicked by a man pushing 60 years old. Before anyone say anything, I know Cruise is in phenomenal shape. But the body can only take so much punishment and he is getting up there in years. I would still love to see him destroy Bieber though.Also Connor, you are one of the UFC’s greatest, please calm down. There is a ton of amazing charitable things you do that do not make the spotlight as they are out shined by your antics. I worry about you man.
Artist’s rendition of Bieber vs Cruise:
Tom by all accounts is way, way too nice of a guy to throw a punch in the first place outside of acting.Tom would throw the first punch, win the match. Apologize to Justin, ride with him to the hospital and stay at his bedside until he regains consciousness, then make sure he had everything needed to make him comfortable.Like Colin Farrell’s character from that one episode of Scrubs.
Or that time Colin Farrell’s character got poison ivy on his rectum and Eva Mendes’s character nursed him back to health. #pimpsdontcry
He’s 10-ply, bud.
It’s a tough life, but as sure as God’s got sandals, it sure beats fighting dudes with treasure trails.
kek. I’d take a dollar.
Get that fake shit outta here.
“…receiving a brutal beating at the hands of Khabib Nurmagomedov that made it clear McGregor is no longer a top fighter, if he ever truly was.”McGregor is definitely a loudmouth douchebag, but that’s nonsense. Nobody has looked good against Nurmagomedov, and the idea that McGregor was never a top fighter is crazy. Just look at his dismantling of Alvarez, Poirier, or Mendes.
That’s not very Christian of him.
I’ve always wondered… Does Bieber have parents ?
Does he have a dad that’s present and would have taught him long ago the meaning of “dad’s strength” ?
Whenever relatively untrained people fight and one is a 20 something piss ass and the other is in his 50s, the result is not that hard to predict … ^^
I’m conflicted. I loathe arrogance and these two have a plethI mean I’d love too see either of those two lose but I’m going to have to go with Tom on this.
A plethora of arrogance. But yeah definitely I’d want Cruise to win this one.
No you’re good. PlethI is the plural of plethora
I hit the enter key when my arrow was unknowingly over publish. I need keep an eye on what my fingers are doing.