Justin Theroux to write and direct Will Ferrell/Steve Carell comedy instead of marrying Jennifer Aniston

Even as tabloids continue to call upon him hourly to do the honorable thing, Justin Theroux has signed on to rewrite and direct the Warner Bros. comedy Swear To God instead of marrying girlfriend Jennifer Aniston and giving her babies. Deadline reports that Theroux, who still hasn't even bought a ring, will follow his 2008 directorial debut Dedication (ironically titled, considering his obvious total lack of it) by helming the film in which Will Ferrell plays a "narcissistic hedge fund manager" who believes he's seen God, and reunites with his Anchorman co-star Steve Carell in an as-yet-unspecified role. Theroux—whose past writing credits include Tropic Thunder, Iron Man 2, and whatever lies about commitment he concocted to string Aniston along like this—will be working from an original script by the writers of Due Date, in yet another sad reminder of how Aniston will never get to be a mommy. Upon hearing the news, Jennifer Aniston smiled wanly at Theroux, putting on a brave face to say, "That's great," before excusing herself to the nearest restroom to cry.