Lindsay Lohan is either playing Elizabeth Taylor, or is a prostitute who conspired to kill Osama Bin Laden

According to two wildly different TMZ articles posted today, Lindsay Lohan is still alive and doing things, and thus TMZ is in business. But more specifically, TMZ reports, Lindsay Lohan is close to sealing the previously reported deal to play Elizabeth Taylor in a Lifetime movie—a role that, if an E! interview with the film’s producer Larry Thompson is to be believed, is so sought-after that he’s also “in talks” with Megan Fox, as that is how you get showbiz blogs to write about Lifetime movies. “I am also in talks with Kim Kardashian, Lana Del Rey’s Saturday Night Live performance, and new Dark Knight Rises set images about playing Elizabeth Taylor—any of them would be great,” Thompson said, basically, by creating a contrived, Internet-baiting rivalry for a project that otherwise would be ignored.

But the faux-pressure of losing out to Fox may have spurred Lohan to move toward finalizing next week, as TMZ reports that she plans to wrap up her community service faster in order to shoot the film. Their same unnamed “source” who is definitely not Dina Lohan also claims that “Lindsay is actually getting more scripts than she's received in years,” because “apparently producers have noticed she's finally showing some maturity”—a maturity she’s demonstrated by recently cultivating the worldly philosophy that being in jail sucks.

Unfortunately, her legal troubles aren’t quite over, as TMZ also has a report that Lohan has been served with yet another lawsuit—this time a civil claim from a man named Thomas A. Green, who alleges that Lohan deceived him by pretending to be interested in helping him promote his dot-com business, then ruined his life by getting him entangled in a conspiracy involving the assassination of Osama Bin Laden. As you might have guessed, Green’s lawsuit is near-incomprehensible—most closely resembling one of those spam-filter-evading emails full of randomly generated text—but as far as we can tell, it attempts to spell out how Green says he communicated with Lohan via Facebook about helping him launch a Gulf Coast fundraiser website, only to be stymied by misleading messages and photos that he believes Lohan posted to Twitter in order to secretly mock him. (“The defendant kept the mind bowing [sic] games going with naughty school girl outfits in pictures Betty Ford in reference to songs I suggested,” he writes in one of his more lucid passages.)

Green claims this relentless teasing led to him becoming homeless in a “depreciated stage of delusion and hallucinations,” and living in a shelter where he was “maced and arrested” for discussing his relationship with Lohan. And, after failing to get the governor of Minnesota to help him, he similarly failed in his attempt to “command [Lohan] to Twitter” so that she could “acknowledge this is an Osoma Bin Ladden [sic] op”—which, as far as we can tell, refers to a Lohan-sparked operation that he secretly collaborated with her on, mostly by “taunting” Bin Laden via his computer. Green believes Lohan acknowledging the operation's existence would mean “all civilians in past wrong doing will receive clemency,” and also help him collect money and patch up things with his mom. Also, “[Lohan] might be a high end prostitute,” he adds, seemingly as an afterthought.

Anyway, because of these questionable aspects of her character, refusal to give Green the money he believes he is owed for helping her taunt and/or kill Osama Bin Laden, the distress he’s further been caused by her recently hiring organized crime members to break his uncle’s leg, and other “unfair business practices,” Green is demanding $300,000. And still, somehow this is all easier to believe than Lindsay Lohan playing Elizabeth Taylor in a Lifetime movie.