Fox News is concerned about the moral and political implications of M&M’s… again
A new M&M's ad campaign designed to support women has driven Tucker Carlson, Fox News, and other right-wing figures into a melt(in-your-mouth)down
Aux Features Tucker Carlson
Early last year, Fox News host Tucker Carlson warned Americans of one of the greatest threats the nation had ever faced: “Woke M&M’s.” Driven into a no-doubt-completely-legitimate fury over a chocolate mascot redesign that saw the green M&M become less sexy, Carlson ranted that “M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous—until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them.”
We laughed at the time, not taking his warning that we would no longer want to bang sentient cocoa spheres seriously. And, left unchecked, the M&M’s advertising team pushed even further into realms of political and moral decay we could never have imagined.
M&M’s have now, god help us all, become even more woke.
The above clip, tweeted by @leash_kid_ earlier this week, sees Carlson take up the mantle of the battle-hardened freedom fighters of generations before him when faced with an all-women M&M’s package, furrow his brow in trademark puzzlement over the sugary complexities of this modern world of ours, and announce: “Woke M&Ms have returned.”
“The green M&M got her boots back, but apparently is now a lesbian maybe, and there’s also a plus-sized, obese purple M&M,” he states, before concluding, “So, we’re going to cover that. Of course. Because that’s what we do.”
Though brand posturing is inherently silly, opportunistic, and not worth serious response, Fox News has decided that the footwear, sexuality, and body weight of a trio of M&M’s mascots could be an opportunity for a culture war front somehow more boneheaded than whatever’s going on with the gas stove stuff lately.
And so, Fox News devoted a recent edition of Outnumbered—a show that advertises itself as “an ensemble of four female panelists and #OneLuckyGuy”—to the M&M’s situation. A clip tweeted by Nikki McCann Ramírez shows the panel discussing the bigger ramifications of the candy packaging—like how China is using all of this, especially through that nefarious TikTok, as an opportunity to gain further geopolitical influence.
At one point during this discussion, the One Lucky Guy tries out a sweaty gag about Starbucks’ Italian drink-size names in relation to the woke M&M’s, which lands with a complete thud, the other host’s puzzled silence breaking into forced laughter only after he explains his joke.
“Can we just have something nice for a change?” one of the hosts asks afterward. “Can we just enjoy M&M’s without having to be something bigger?”
“Yeah, we can,” another replies before another silent moment of unexamined contemplation follows.
Elsewhere, walking self-parodies Nick Adams and Ben Shapiro weighed in on this important issue as well, Adams proposing “all-male M&M’s” as a solution to this “legitimate crisis” and Shapiro using one of his staccato nerd monologues to make terrible jokes about not asking female M&M’s for directions and some bottom of the barrel transphobic material.
Given the long history of right-wing dorks getting into arguments with candy, we imagine it won’t be long before this whole thing is dealt with and we can all move on to more important topics, like, say, Reese’s Pieces’ position on climate change.
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164 Comments
“Unlike liberals, we’re not sensitive cancel culture snowflakes”
“We are the ALPHA MALES and we are here to be EXTREMELY UPSET about a candy’s color!”
I see people post Nick Adams tweets on Reddit periodically and was sure it was intentional parody. The idea that he could possibly be serious about his very insecure sounding complaints is wild.
Yeah, I was about to say, the tweets in the article have to be some sort of long-game, multidimensional parody, right? Because no one could legitimately care this much about this stuff this stupid…. and yet.
Like maybe at some point Bob Zmuda and Jerry Lawler are going to appear and explain how it was all a goof and everyone was in on the whole thing the whole time?
Man On the Moon is my favourite film take your star.
Once you’ve battled Godzilla, everything else is going to be a comedown.
He recently tweeted that real alpha males spend all day at Hooter’s with their buddies rather than being at home with their wives and I’m about 90 percent sure the whole account is a bit.
Yea, kinda reminds me of a MAGA era Colbert Report-style pastiche but if so he’s so committed to the bit that it’s impossible to tell
He tweets about Hooters so much that I assume he gets some kind of compensation from them.
Can you even imagine being the Hooters server who has to wait on him? He has to be the worst, most stereotypically gross Hooters customer there ever was.
He’s probably a shitty tipper to boot.
Oh 100%, or he only gives big tips she was convincing enough in pretending she’d actually sleep with him. If she wasn’t, he complains to the manager that she wasn’t friendly.
I’ve seen the account pop up a few times and I need confirmation that this is a real person. Because the profile pic and the comments from him I’ve read really do read like a parody.
I think it is really parody / sarcasm as he tweeted a few weeks back that if someone needed to put Alpha Male in their description, it was because they weren’t an Alpha Male and never would be.
And since his twitter description includes Alpha Male, I took it as parody. He can’t be that dumb, right?
I’m leaning towards parody myself, but I can’t completely rule out the possibility that, yes, he’s just that dumb.
yup. we might never know
Hey now I’m a Beta Male back off
ahahahaha! Beta male is the new alpha male
I had this room mate who constantly called me a “Beta male cuck”. There’s a whole culture of women teasing men with small penises. From my experience women actually perpetrate the whole “alpha/beta male” thing more than men do. I don’t call women flat chested so I don’t really understand why it’s been normalized to make fun of penis size.
I saw a sign at a protest rally that said only Nazi’s have small penis’s…. You can’t argue that’s not slanted.
It’s pretty cool that this M&M packaging exists. I think were still a bit behind in terms of accepting all male figures but that’s fine. I feel like this misguided frustration is probably born out of that. Where’s the M&M with the small dick? Yeah I didn’t think so.
You are the best poster on here, never let anyone tell you different.
Now you got a problem with Asians?
Maybe you don’t, but sadly lots of men do. Particularly immature men.
One is easier to hide in day to day interaction
“I don’t call women flat chested so I don’t really understand why it’s been normalized to make fun of penis size.”You know that just because you don’t call women flat-chested doesn’t mean that tons and tons of other men throughout history haven’t and don’t, right? Anyway, I’d wager that more men make fun of small penises than women.
I think it is just in the human nature for people to express their insecurities on others by mocking them, either with penis sizes or chest flatness or smell or funny noises.
On the other hand, Poe’s Law.
He isn’t serious, he thinks he’s being clever.
that fat fuck never boycotted a food in his life.
Yeah, don’t want to belabor the obvious but a REAL “alpha male” wouldn’t care what anyone thinks about the candy he likes.
I keep waiting for this to be some kind of MASSIVE performance, and some day Nick Adams pulls off his mask and it’s Andy Kaufman.
Plus…he’s looking for all-male M&M packaging? Surely there was plenty of packaging with just the red and yellow male M&Ms before they even introduced the green one. What more does he want?
What more does he want?To distract his viewers from the fact that actually important things are happening in the world. It is possible that he’s actually this stupid, but I generally assume it’s greed 90% of the time.
I had to google search “Is Nick Adams a real person?” Somehow he is.
“Can we just enjoy M&M’s without having to be something bigger?”Yes, you can. You can literally not think about this, never commit to faux-outrage about a made up character, and just eat them. You’d think RWNJ’s would enjoy eating (aka destroying) an apparent woke icon. “Can we just have something nice for a change?” one of the hosts asks afterward.As a Fox News host, no. You deserve worse.
Imagine being a grown ass man, opening your eyes as you wake up and thinking the Yellow M&M as a purple coded female and whatever your respective deal with the Green and Brown M&Ms is something worth ruining your entire day being Big Mad.
What about right wing geriatrics getting into arguments with furniture?
I don’t know, how sexy is the furniture?
It’s kinda bland until you turn it upside-down.
It’s Sofa King sexy.
And to think that used to be the agreed upon go-to when it came to right wing nutjob stupidity..
Conservatives: “Listen woke Libtards, gender is about XY chromosomes and nothing else. You can never change your biological sex. Science doesn’t care about your ‘Identity’ or ‘Pronouns’” Also Conservatives: “This piece of candy is a lady and she should be sexier”
Read a history book lib. The entire reason for the Boston Tea Party was that damned King George removed the sexy lady from the packaging of the King’s Choice Tea brand in 1773.
And replaced it with a lithograph of a ship! Nay! I can’t masturbate to thee!
Umm ships are gendered as female… so… get to wanking
Oh, if only he had replaced it with a lithograph of a Sharpe Flintlock Pistol, the agitators would still be able to masturbate to the packaging and all the unpleasantness of the late 18th century could’ve been avoided.
I’ll send you some web links.
Not with that attitude.
See, you dont always have to be a piece of shit.
Anyone who uses “lib” or “libtard” immediately dismisses everyone from reading their comment you know that right. That’s the equivalent of raising your hand and saying your stupid.
A. It’s called sarcasm. B. It’s “you’re stupid.”
lol You are such a humorless dumbfuck. Beyond obvious I’m joking you fucking loser.
This x 1000!!
I made fun of him once and now he obsesses over me and leaves lame comments like that all the time.
I think you’re confusing jokes (which are funny) with the random ejaculations made from a combination of stupidity, white inadequacy, and never, ever kissing a girl (which you have perfected).
lol It’s so funny how triggered you are right now. I hit the nail on the head when I called you a loser. Really has you upset. lol Following me from story to story like the big fucking loser you are.
Virgins gotta virgin, I suppose, right Bobby?
lol You are projecting. Loser. You are triggered so badly it is funny.
“Triggered” is a funny way to describe enjoying laughing at incels, kiddo.
Triggered describes you perfectly you loser. You are focused on incels because you are a fat nerd who loves comic books movies irrationally. Idiot.
You’d be better at guessing what people are like based on online comments if you ever, ever, ever interacted with a human that isn’t your mom, champ.It’s an adorable coping mechanism you have there where you reimagine everyone laughing at you as you “triggering” them.
lol You are triggered so badly. You have such a healthy way of looking at women. lol It’s very obvious you were projecting when you defended your little marvel movie for babies from sexists. lol You loser.
Sorry, I can’t hear the words you are using, because your oppressive virginity is drowning everything out.
lol You are such an angry little loser.
You have less self-awareness than lifetime sexual partners.
lol Ok loser.
I imagine people who use those words would write “your stupid”, but those of us with at least 6th grade writing skills like to use “you’re” in that sentence.
Aren’t these the weirdos who are always crying “fake news”, and this is what they present as “for real real”?
The fox News boogy man strikes again…just like the eye rolling m&ms campaign to get their brand talked about for 5 minutes…nobody cares about either and we’re all suckers for giving any of this attention…myself included
“If it’s an all-female M&M, I assume that it costs 77 cents on the dollar of what the regular M&M’s would cost, right?”That’s a good line.
I did chuckle. Blind squirrels get a nut once in a while, etc.
No, it only earns 77 cents on the dollar. Because it is for women, it costs 13% more.
Keep in mind Shapiro is talking as a dedicated misogynist. He looks at anything female as inherently worse, which requires it to be discounted.
Some of us are colorblind and would really prefer if people would stop using more colors to promote inclusivity.
Wow, inclusivity managed to exclude someone.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the red and green M&Ms have been around for quite some time.
Bastards!
Stay proudly asleep, America!
M&Ms suck almost as much as this entire M&M campaign. Almost.
Yeah why aren’t M&Ms sexier these days? I can barely get a hardon looking at the bag anymore.
Personally I think that Peanut M&M’s set unhealthy expectations.
Once you go Skittle, you never go back.
Stupid sexy Skittles.
the best kind.
Once you Whatchamacallit, you’re always gonna want it.
Snickers!
M&M’s need to be sexy so little boys don’t get fixated on those long, thick Toblerone shafts!
I deserve this giant Toblerone!
Toblerone’s slogan is “Ribbed for EVERYONE’S pleasure.” I believe.
Toblerone definitely sets unreasonable expectations.
Even Tucker looks annoyed that he has to cover this, but that’s probably because he just wants to be talking about Biden’s document scandal being way way way worse than Trump’s. “This M&M business was fine for our regular Wednesday night outrage machine, but now we’ve got REAL (fake) stuff to get to!”
At first I thought this was Tucker’s exclusively weird fetish, but now I wonder which Mercer or Murdoch is twisting their pundits’ greasy ham hocks behind their backs to push the weirdest culture war hill to die on: Operation Bring Back Fuckable M&Ms.
This is why he has his Fox Nation (or whatever) show- so he can talk about his TRUE passions, like crotch lasers.
Genital heat lamps and and a personal vendetta against the “Melt In Your Mouth, Not In Your Hands” mascots, but particularly the female ones?Holy shit, they weren’t kidding when every conservative’s accusation is an admission.
Ahem, Jewish crotch lasers!
So, we’re going to cover that. Of course. Because that’s what we do.Sounds like he knows he’s a joke, but at this point he’s in too deep to back out. Sort of like the GOP and Trump. It’s way to late to say “you know, I started all this so I could get a little power, but it’s gone too far and I’m out.”
Tucker literally just reads what his writers put in front of him.Which is not why it was surprising to find out he used to have a Nazi on his writing staff.
Purple M&M kinda looks like Grimace.
Why do these alleged humans want so badly to fuck the lady candies?
Because that’s some … sweet lovin’.
Because the lady humans have decided not to fuck them
“If you could have a beer with one person, alive or-”
“Brown M&M.”
“…Tucker, the question is-”
“Brown M&M.”“Okay, so of you were able to sit down with a beer with the…brown M&M, what would you ask them?”“WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD ASK THE MARS CANDY COMPANY”
Because it’d be gay to fuck the boy ones?
Isn’t it amazing how the groveling Murdoch Minions on Fox “News” can piss ‘n’ moan over the most trivial bullshit? If it’s stupid, pointless, silly or utterly without any real merit, Fox “News” is right there making a big stink over it. Pure “genius”.
The only time I ever got angry at candy was when Skittles changed the flavor of the green one from lime to sour apple.
Bottle Caps. They used to be large and tasty. Now they’re tiny and bland.
That was the New Coke of candy. There are already Skittle variants; stick your gross green apple in one of those.
I’m the opposite. I was mad when they changed it back to lime.
“In America, our candy should not be ‘woke;’ just edible and fuckable. I’m willing to negotiate on the ‘edible’ part though.”Tuck Cucker Farlson.
Muck fe!!!
look tucker – i’m jingling these pretty keys for you!
It would be pretty funny except for the fact that a disturbing number of Americans consider these legitimate shots in the culture war.
Let ‘em make candy sexuality and issue. It’ll be one more nail their coffin in 2024; by that time, the coffin may be entirely made of nails. If the midterms showed anything, it’s that people have just had enough.
God, these people are exhausting!
They are right, though.
Heavy-hitting analysis. Thank you.
You’re not good at this.
Go choke on some Reese’s Pieces then.
I know Fox has melted its viewers brains into soup, but idk how anyone watching it earnestly sees coverage about “woke M&Ms” and doesn’t conclude it’s not an actual news network.
I love everything about this. It’s so stupid, it’s amazing.“I won’t rest until M&M’s releases an all-male M&M’s package celebrating men! Male M&M candies only! I’ll accept a female M&M on the sole condition she’s fuckable, in high heels, getting spit-roasted by Red and Yellow as they high-five!”“Where is my chocolate for true alphas! This is reverse sexism!” Holy fuck. Their inner lives are dogshit. Imagine being this upset for not being the consumer target for children’s candy.
Matt Walsh won’t be happy until they reverse sexism by featuring an all male M&M package. Red and Yellow on vacation with a vigorous suntan lotion to shell application. Orange looking more nervous than usual as Blue sports a banana hammock.I had no idea conservatives were this pressed about their M&M spank bank. Every accusation really is an admission.
imagine being constantly upset* These are totally the same dudes that complain about white male erasure in modern films.
To be fair, everyone is constantly upset.
I grew up in a rural country town and defected to Toronto. Everyone used “gay” every other word there to mean stupid. There’s WAY more men like this than you realize.
ah, you refer to the classic ‘Cocoa Eiffel Tower’. a fellow connoisseur i see …
I hate to be pedantic, but spit-roasting while high fiving is called an Eiffel Tower. Precision in language matters.
“Can we just have something nice for a change?” one of the hosts asks
afterward. “Can we just enjoy M&M’s without having to be something
bigger?”
Nobody’s stopping you from enjoying M&Ms. You’re the one making a big deal about nothing.Nick Adams told his followers to buy the biggest bag of M&Ms they could find, and then throw it in the trash to send Mars a message. Why are alpha males always so fucking dumb?
It’s a parody account.
Nick Adams told his followers to buy the biggest bag of M&Ms they could find, and then throw it in the trash to send Mars a message.Feeding the capitalist monster machine while simultaneously being able to display your performative outrage is the sweet spot for these ghouls.
We live in the most obese country in the world, and we have people fighting in favor of the biggest part of the problem. Way to go fatties, keep that sugar intake up.
Wow, you guys are really giving these idiot quite a platform and are spreading their message further than it would have gotten otherwise, huh. I know I never heard about any of this pointless drivel before I read about it here. Well, I say read. Skimmed, after the first few thousand words. People around here really seem to care about these blowhards and hang onto their every word. It’s so strange. Oh well. Life’s too short to pay attention to this kind of bullshit. Adios.
Sir, this is an Arby’s…
This would be embarrassing were it not for the fact that everyone who works at Faux has that part of their brain surgically removed.
Somebody introduce Tucker Carlson to Deviantart or some other cartoon porn site so he can jerk off to sexy drawings of the Green M&M in peace.
Clearly he’s already got blisters on his dong from yanking it to the Green M&M, who is no longer mentally fuckable after holding hands with another M&M.
This is deliciously ironic, considering how many republicans are obese men who would jump at the chance to eat a lipstick lesbian.
So the unhappy-looking guy with no fashion sense is insisting that only “all-male” M&M’s will ever again “pass his lips.”As the saying used to go, not that there’s anything wrong with that, “alpha male.”
Oh yeah I forgot Tucker Carlson needs to fuck M&Ms.
Needs to?
Me: “Good lord, this crass attempt to co-opt feminism in order to sell candy sure is stupid.”Conservative 1: “YEAH, AND WHY AREN’T THERE ANY CANDY MEN ON THE CANDY PACKAGE.”Conservative 2: “YEAH, AND WHY IS THE PURPLE LADY CANDY SUCH A FATTY? MAKE THE CANDY LADY SEXIER.”Conservative 3: “YEAH, AND I HEARD THE CHINESE WANTS TO TAKE AWAY ALL THE SEXY CANDY LADIES AND THEY’RE GONNA PUT CHINESE FLU VACCINE IN THE CANDY AND MAKE US ALL WOKE BETA CUCKS.”Me: [slowly backing out of the room] “Actually, you know what? I’m going to not…be…just anywhere close to this conversation.”
“Antifa is trying to lay a finger on the nation’s butterfingers!”-Tucker Carlson, presumably
Sometimes I feel like a nut!
So did George Washington Carver, and look at him now!
What, dead?
I wish I had his agent!
“’Dr. Strange Lovitz’…he’s a character act-NO I don’t think he DIED!”
Now put up that picture of me on the horse!
Wait’ll you see the muffin shooter!
It’ll be bigger than the badger blaster!
“This just in: Tucker Carlson, ineffectual manchild, declares candy to be the latest threat to white men!”
Today in Things Conservatives Are Pants-Wettingly Terrified Of:M&Ms.Adding this to electric stoves, which were yesterday’s Thing Conservatives Are Pants-Wettingly Terrified Of, I can only assume Tucker accidentally scalded himself in a very personal place after melting some chocolate candy for personal use.
America is so stupid
Tucker Carlson & M&M’s: Lighten up. It’s just a candy. That’s all.
Fox News is stupid.
Don’t watch Fox News.
I know that trying to engage with this like Tucker and Co are making actual good-faith arguments is fucking stupid, but here I go anyway: All-Male bags of M&Ms? You mean, like, the way they were for fucking years? It was just the Red and Yellow characters for a long time, both of whom are male.
Tucker Carlson’s security team must be amazing because I don’t know how
somebody isn’t punching that face every moment he’s awake.
M&Ms appear to be a far more important issue for them to scream about than our children’s bodies being shot to pieces in school. I pray there is a hell waiting for these people.
Maybe the fat ones are just peanut M&Ms?
“If it’s an all-female M&M, I assume that it costs 77 cents on the dollar of what the regular M&M’s would cost, right?”It’s amazing how he can get soooooooo close to the point and still miss it.
Call it what it is. Tucker Carlson is cancelling M&Ms.
The purple M&M is clearly a peanut M&M. By that logic the yellow one from years ago was also “woke” and obese.In any event, it’s clear that “woke” is their new catch-all code word instead of the n-word or some LGBTQ slur.