Make T-Rex a sensitive picky eater pushover in Jurassic Park: Dominion, you cowards
Hey, Colin Trevorrow, it's time to really shake things up in the franchise
Film Features Rex
Everybody is going soft on us these days, and it’s goddamn infuriating. Seriously, how are the young boys of America supposed to grow up big, strong, masculine, and repress their emotional communication skills when they’re losing big, beefy role models each and every day? Now, it’s becoming increasingly apparent that they can’t even pretend to be a T-Rex anymore.
Per a report from the quivering liberal elite at the New York Times, the world’s most recognizable and fearsome of dinosaurs probably wasn’t the wantonly vicious, bloodthirsty apex predator we were promised, but instead, some kind of sensitive-gummed, wishy-washy picky eater.
“The jaws of Tyrannosaurus were powerful enough to crush bones. However, in situations where food was plentiful, they may have used their sensitive snouts to eat the more nutritious parts of their prey selectively,” Soichiro Kawabe, paleontologist at Fukui Prefectural University’s Institute of Dinosaur Research and co-author of a new study on the subject, told the NYT. “The diet of Tyrannosaurus may not have been as crude as we imagine,” they added.
Great. Wonderful. What’s the point of having steak knife teeth and a literal lizard brain if you can’t wholly abide by the Jordan Peterson Diet? Apparently, it was potentially a way to better be a parent. “Crocodiles have sensitive snouts, which… also give them such a finely tuned sense of touch that they can carry their young in their mouths without crushing them with their powerful jaws,” explains the article. The paleontologist theorizes that T-Rexes might have done the same. And, as you are well aware of by now: being a dad is very not masculine. Not in the slightest.
Well, you know what have to say to the woke police coming for the dinosaurs? Make the T-Rex a sensitive picky eater beta male in Jurassic Park: Dominion, you cowards. Go on. See how the public reacts to the king of dinos chomping off only people’s heads, then carrying around tiny T-Rex babies in its jaws before spitting them out towards Sam Neill and Laura Dern…
Wait a minute. That sounds kinda badass. Hmm…
Well, you’re welcome, Colin.
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24 Comments
I will never not laugh at that melodica cover video. Height of comedy, for me.
Just so you know, melodicas don’t have to sound that bad. I say this as a melodica player myself and given that it is a fairly obscure instrument, more people are probably more familar with joke videos like that than have heard serious melodica playing.
This guy did play it on his car’s exhaust pipe recently, but he also does vidros like this one
Give us back the ability to link to specific comments, you cowards.
Hell, I’d be satisfied with the ability to reliably see specific comments at this point.
Maybe not an apex predator, but they rock!
Huh. So all those parodies of Jurassic Park where the T-Rex daintily pulls out a napkin and silverware before eating its victim were closer to reality than we thought.
“in situations where food was plentiful, they may have used their sensitive snouts to eat the more nutritious parts of their prey selectively,”Breaking news! Carnivore focuses on high-value meals when offered the chance! Oh you mean just like almost literally every other predator in existence? Have these geniuses never watched a single show on PBS and learned about the difference between bears’ eating habits during different seasons? Fuckin’ morons. (I do, however, love that melodica version of the JP theme. That is an all-timer in the history of the internet.)
High value and… well, I probably venture here into what we don’t know about the non fossilized soft parts of dinosaurs, but perhaps they had taste buds or comparable sense organs (very evolutionarily useful capability if other things in that place and time are toxic to you, among other aspects of utility). Psyches aren’t preserved in the fossil record very well either, but maybe they even had individual preferences about what were the good parts. (“I brought down that pteranodon, I get the thigh oysters.”)Whether other dinos noticed bodies lying around from which certain internal organs had been excised with surgical precision and formed theories about aliens is another question entirely.All plus or minus the abundance of prey and the hungriness of the individual, most likely…
Are you snarking at scientists for writing a paper providing evidence for something instead of just assuming it to be true? Did a dino-scientist sleep with your wife or something?
but instead, some kind of sensitive-gummed, wishy-washy picky eater.Like some namby pamby Orca ripping just the liver out of a great white shark.Oh how the mighty have fallen.
And only after the shark has gorged itself on figs and honeyed wine for over a year, to make the liver more delicious!
Shark liver with a side order of Bo Derek’s leg
You tell Roberta. I’ll be hiding right over here.
I want the T-Rex in the next JP movie to be named Todd. Just Todd. Todd is helpful. And Todd is there for you! And don’t call him the “King of the dinosaurs”. Todd says royalty puts limitations on your dreams! And he doesn’t like competition!
“Where’s the goat, Todd?!”
T-Rex is unrelated to crocodiles; look at how parrots preen each other for a T-Rex relative. I did like a fossil review that claimed that when T-Rex was dominant there was a noticeable lack of intermediate sized fossils – that is, very few examples of other species generally half or more the size of a T-Rex. Normally there is some continuum of sizes. The hypothesis is that the juvenile T-Rex filled that gap by eating all the same size competition.
I wouldn’t call them “unrelated;” as crocodilians, dinosaurs, and avian dinosaurs/birds are both types of archosaurs, right?
How has someone not posted this Calvin and Hobbes strip yet?
I would’ve, but I was pounced on by a Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat.
All I want is a T. rex with feathers.
“T-Rex doesn’t want to be fed, he wants to dine! You can’t just suppress 65 million years of Michelin stars!”