Meet Phantom, a big horse going viral because he is so goddamn big
No false advertising here, folks. At 8 feet tall, he's a certifiably large equine
Aux Features Horse
We tried to look at it many different ways. Diagrams were drawn, simulations run, our previous findings referenced and cross-referenced. But after much debate, we feel we can avow with almost absolute certainty and a great deal of confidence: yes, the big horse is quite big.
This is Phantom, a 7-year-old, 8-foot-tall “Shire” horse—which is somewhat ironic, when you think about it. You know, because that’s the name of the place in New Zealand where all those Hobbits live. Phantom weighs 2000-pounds, though. Can you imagine a 2000-pound Shire Hobbit? That’d be pretty wild.
Phantom is real, though. Look at him again if you doubt it. “His personality is very bold,” explains his handler in the above video. “He’s goofy, and loves to have attention… Most people, when they see him, their jaws do tend to drop, and they tend to say, ‘Oh my God. That’s the biggest horse I’ve ever seen.’”
This information tracks.
According to the viral video making its current rounds online, Phantom now resides in a Maryland rescue facility after he grew to be too big for his original owners’ housing. This also makes a great deal of sense, logistically speaking, because the big horse is a very big one. A very big horse, we mean.
You know something else? We wouldn’t have so much trouble sorting through the ol’ online content barrel today if we had ourselves access to a big-ass horse like Phantom. We bet it would be able to get in there real good, farther down into the dregs of viral videos and funny pictures than even we could ever hope to get.
But, as you have probably gathered by now, we do not possess such a tall horse. Or, now that we think about it, a logically sound metaphor for online content curation. Perhaps we are just too distracted by Phantom, the very big horse. Oh well.
Send Great Job, Internet big bois to [email protected]
34 Comments
Rejected by Gregor Clegane for not being enough of a jerk, maybe?
The first five seconds of that video are very awkward.
Whatsa’ matter?! You never seen a man jerk off a horse before!?
Move along! We got stable work to do here. Err’body knows, you can’t put away a horse without an orgasm! Run home to yer books.
HEY! Can we get a spoiler alert for the next Jackass movie maybe?
I’m sure they’ve already done that
Do…do you work for Boeing?
You’re lucky. I got a mayonnaise ad before the video started.
That’s a whole lotta glue right there.
and IKEA meatballs, don’t forget the meatballs!
And Tesco “Beef” Lasagna!
That reminds me of this other horse video that went viral a while back. I’d share it but I got banned for doing so last time.
Can you imagine a 2000-pound Shire Hobbit?That would take a lot of second breakfasts.
I hate horses. They’re so fucking smug but also very sensitive at the same time. I will fight a horse.
Terry Funk?
Mules are mostly alright. Although I’m going bankrupt trying to get this mule breeding side hustle going.
If you’re not Mongo, you might be in trouble.
Eh, baseball bat to the lower leg is a guaranteed horse kill shot.
He’s too big for my ego.
Reminded me of…
But can he talk?
Look, nothing in the rules says a talking 8-foot-tall horse can’t play baseball.
If the landmark NFL v. The Placekicking Mule case has taught us anything, it’s that.
I’m not gonna make a Catherine the Great joke, I’m not gonna make a Catherine the Great joke….
Missed opportunity if you don’t…..
Just make a Boeing engineer joke.
That place is right near me! I’ve got a rescue draft, but he’s not quite so tall. I named him Little John.
I don’t get it. At all. It’s kind of a big horse, I mean what am I missing? Am I crazy?
You were not put on this earth to “get it,” Mr. Burton!!!
Draft breeds are fun. Here’s my Belgian/Quarter mix, Geronimo. The wide back feels really stable after riding thoroughbreds.My other draft/quarter mix Oakie Doke, post ride:Don’t ask what the Cattle Dog is up to.
Every time I see an American saddle I recall the fine and noble words of the greatest socialist pisshead poet the world has ever seen: Texas Jack, you are amusin’. By Lord Harry, how I laughed
When I seen yer rig and saddle with its bulwarks fore-and-aft
Drafts (and draft crosses) are the best.Kinja won’t let me upload pics, so here’s an ancient tumblr pic of one of my Belgians:
Ugh, look at her up on her high horse.