Shakira has been attacked by wild boars
Feral hogs attack beloved international star, ending sympathies for their porcine fury
Music Features Shakira
We take no pleasure in reporting the latest news from the European feral hog epidemic, but must bring it to your attention in the name of public safety: Shakira has been attacked by wild boars in Barcelona.
The vibrato enthusiast and advocate for truthful anatomy-shaking shared the tale of her dramatic encounter through an Instagram story (still available on YouTube) where she shows off a purse that’s been thoroughly snuffled to the point that it’s coated in dust and fraying at the seams. Dramatic music plays as Shakira splices still images of bag-thieving boars over this Blair Witch Porkject-style footage and narrates the encounter in Spanish.
The BBC translated some of what she said, letting us know that Shakira was walking through a park in Barcelona when “the animals attacked her before seizing her bag and retreating with it into the woods.”
“Look at how two wild boar, which attacked me in the park, have left my bag,” she says. “They were taking my bag to the woods with my mobile phone in it. They’ve destroyed everything.” (As we’ve previously noted, wild boars absolutely love technology.)
When her son pops into view, Shakira calls out, “Milan, tell the truth! Say how your mommy stood up to the wild boar.” The boy does not reply, but we can see the evidence of her bravery in the fact that she’s now on the other side of the run-in with her bag somewhat intact.
Shakira’s boar battle is part of a larger feral hog problem that the BBC says has led to a population explosion “across Europe, with the latest estimates now surpassing around 10 million across the continent.” The boars come into cities to eat other animals and delicious trash, leading to news items like one from earlier this week that saw the pigs ransacking Rome like four-legged ancient barbarians.
It’s all fun and games when the face of the hog menace consists of us picturing crowds of Italians shrieking “Mamma mia!” as the beasts seek revenge for the nation’s indirect invention of pepperoni pizza, but public opinion is bound to shift now that the pigs have come for an international musical icon.
It’s time for the boars to be sorted out.
We cannot live knowing they may attack our pop stars “whenever, wherever.” They must be corralled and moved to farms, where they can safely live out their lives annoying the other pigs about their past exploits, explaining to them that “actually, it’s pronounced ‘Barthelona.’”
[via Stereogum]
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107 Comments
To verify the truth of this story Shakira’s hips were asked for comment. Also as this happened in Barcelona it is clear and I agree with them the boars only did this to push for Catalan independence.
Yeesh and I thought the guerillas were bad…
Every Catalan independence supporter I’ve ever met was a wild bore, so this checks out.
Take your star and we’ll Basque in your glory.
Hot damn your homophone game is ON POINT!
You deserve extra stars for that one!
Perhaps her hips couldn’t stop shaking, and the motion enraged the boars.
Barcelona locals would rather have boars running wild in their town vs. those other seasonal beasts that keep showing up year after year (of course talking about British tourists here)
But you repeat yourself.
yeah but only when I’m drunk…yeah but only when I’m drunk…
When my wife and I went to Spain the English tourists got to be a running joke. At a nice restaurant we heard a women loudly insisting that her husband not tip for the dreadful service. And while we were walking the Alhambra an elderly man in a suit sidled up to me very close and whispered “Keep a hand on your wallet, there’s [slur for gypsies] about.”
I’m in Portugal right now visiting my wife, and one night we were walking home when a group of drunken British girls came up to us. One of them said, “Ooh, that bevvy looks tasty! Can I have a bit?” and proceeded to snatch my wife’s drink and taste it. She tried to give it back, but we let her keep it, since we’re not really into raw dogging strangers’ drinks in a damn pandemic.
Sounds like you missed your chance for a loud, messy, regrettable orgy.
I could’ve woken up the next day and thought, “Wot’s all this, then?”
That’s assuming it didn’t turn into the movie “Donkey Punch,” of course.
You can say that for anyone who was born after 1979 as well!
Chavy
… Gypsy is one of the slurs for gypsy. Stop using that word.
You gotta offer an alternative name then, because there’s all kinds of nomads and they’re not all what I only know too refer to as Gypsies. Genuinely trying to grow, here…
American tourists are nowhere near as bad as their reputation suggests – probably because the worst Americans never leave their country – but the Poms were always my least favourite to deal with. It was fucking hilarious to watch the cunts step off a bus in Brisbane, then immediately tilt their head, squinting up at the sun, like they’re looking for the fucking thermostat. But it’s the sense of entitlement that comes from four centuries of running the British Empire that percolated down to the lowliest Brummie git, and the idea that they’re not just welcomed, but wanted everywhere is incredibly evident.
gypsy is a slur itself
With the exchange rate, they only have 26-43 feral hogs to worry about
They need to make sure they have their AR-13 to hand.
This is now how I will picture Shakira.
My wife and I were once driving to a restaurant on the outskirts of Oranjestad, Abruba. We were going slow through a residential neighborhood when this dog sort of saunters into the middle of the street. Scruffy guy, clearly not domesticated. We stopped the car to let him pass and, oh, look at the cute puppy. Two seconds later a pack of extremely hostile and hungry wild dogs had surrounded our car and were literally trying to kill us. They had clearly identified us as tourists. “Bonbini! May I tear your throat out?” “Ha HA, nice puppy, drive honey DRIVE!!!!”
I once saw a bunch of wild dogs and a Mexican wolf fight each other while camping in southern Texas. Was extremely violent and not pretty to see
One time in New Mexico I saw two jackrabbits fighting. One would charge, and the other would leap right over its head. It was like capoeira. I think one of them finally managed to bite the other, but it was adorable. Also, I suppose they might have been mating. Are you sure those dogs and that wolf weren’t mating?
I don’t think wolf mating involves very much bloodshed
You guys want dangerous wild animals? Try this: the red fox squirrel.Unlike other types of squirrels, these jokers are mean. They will attack you without warning. They aren’t afraid of anything. I’ve been chased by a few. it’s not easy running while trying to swat this thing away from you. And I’ve seen many dogs and cats come up on the wrong end of a fight with a fox squirrel.Notice how his ears are laid back on his head. He’s obviously pissed at the photographer for taking his picture and is in attack mode. I just hope the cameraperson made it to the car before the squirrel reached his target.Yes, that’s a male. Look at the balls on that joker!We won’t mention the wild turkey-just remember: when in the woods, and it’s in a tree looking at you-LOOK OUT!
Oh man. Turkeys are bastards. We have ‘domesticated’ turkeys and they still come at you.You think it’s funny until you realize they attack as a gang. One fifty pound bird? No problem. Ten? Ten is five hundred pounds of angry poultry.Run.Very fast.
Then the dogs were called off by a mysterious blonde lady in her mid-thirties, she had an American accent but one that was starting to acclimate as if she hadn’t been home in 16 years or so. Then she disappeared into the fog.
I don’t know what you’re referencing but I’m definitely into it.
Worst I saw in Aruba were a bunch of stray cats jumping into the back patio at Madam Janette
It’s on tonightYou know these pigs don’t lieAnd they’re starting to steal my bag
Now that song is stuck in my head, and I don’t mind. Shakira is one of those celebrities I don’t think about very often, but when I see an article about her it’s like this delightful window into her odd yet wholesome adventures. Same with Sophie Turner.
Pigs don’t lie. Spiders lie. They lie about pigs and their supposed personal worth.
Her kid’s name is Milan?
Yes, but it’s pronounced “bar-thay-low-nuh”
It is so rare these days to actually LOL at anything. Thanks for that.
“You’ll have to excuse the pronunciation of my name, It’s from Barcelona.”
*loads shotgun* I’m going to Barcelona…
-Basil Fawlty, in search of a runaway Manuel
Actually, it’s pronounced “Wild Boarth”.
I hope everyone’s ok, but this sounds even more than usual like Mad Libs.
I heard there’s a bacon shortage. We now have a solution.
Wild pigs are extremely unpleasant tasting.
No such thing as bad bacon.
Wild animal meat is very lean (tough) and tastes gamey (smelly). A lot of the reason why people love pork belly products is the texture due to the fat content.
Stupid boars, out there doing crunches
and that’s the reason why you absolutely do not eat boar the same way you eat pig.
Boar can be delicious if prepared like it should. I’ve had patés and stews that were straight up amazing.
No such thing as bad bacon.How to tell us you’ve never had turkey bacon without saying you’ve never had turkey bacon.
Are you kidding? I will gobble gobble on some turkey bacon. 😉
But don’t come home drunk and eat an entire package. You will never be able to stomach it again.
Eh, i had a wild boar ragu from an Italian place in Austin a few weeks ago, and it was rather nice.
Not if you clean, smoke and season it right. I grew up preparing farm-raised and wild pigs (as if I had a choice-grandparents, neighbors and relatives all owned farms, and you had to choose food or starvation) and knew what to do.One suggestion: Don’t eat the mountain oysters.
I had Rocky Mountain Oysters when I was in Colorado a few years back. They’re proof that anything can be delicious when you deep-fry it in batter.
No they aren’t ?
they’re different, and to be consummed differently, but wild boar can be really damn good. It makes great patés and stews.
Main reason why europe is having boar problems right now is because
1) we killed all the wolves and bears centuries ago
2) we usually hunt the shit out of them every year to population control them (and to eat them ^^)
3) Covid happened and the 2020 hunting season was pretty much inexistant because of it
I own a little piece of a forest to go camping on weekends and my entire land is been completely ravaged and dug through this year because of how many damn pigs are around. Been camping in my shed too because I don’t wanna be skewered in my sleep.
For the first time ever, I’m gonna let hunters use my land freely this year…
There must be bacon at work is now $9 a pound. This isn’t fancy bacon at all it’s Oscar Meyer.
Um, wild boars are pretty dangerous. This does not really seems like an occasion for guffaws.
Sure it does. Guffaws are totally fine afterwards, provided nobody is hurt.
Especially when it involves celebrities.
Oh no.. Do I need to rescind my guffaw now?
Good luck. It’s like getting tooth paste back in the tube
https://xkcd.com/2521/
What about a nice chortle?
Or maybe a…
Since she survived it’s fine. But yeah those fuckers are vicious/delicious/devicious
Yeah, I was in Barcelona a few years back (sounds like maybe in the same area Shakira was in, which is a nature preserve built around a residential neighborhood) and my family and I took a late train back to the house where we were staying. This huge wild boar was posted at the entrance to the station, and the only safe option was to back away into the station, and look for a pig-free exit so we could get home.
In ancient Greece they made spears specifically for hunting wild boar. It had a cross-post built into it, because otherwise a boar would charge at you, impale itself on the spear, and keep on traveling up the spear until it had a chance to tear you apart. Wild boars are not fucking around.
I live in Barcelona and regularly cycle around the Collserola park. The boars there have interbred somewhat with domestic pigs (which makes them less aggressive) and are very used to humans. As long as you don’t cross a mother boar with her piglets, they are generally very tranquil and leave you in peace. I wonder if Shakira was carrying some food in her bag?(BTW. The Catalans themselves pronounce it Barcelona. It’s only the other Spanish who do the Daffy Duck.)
What about giggles? Snickers? Coquettish titters? Cackles? What are the rules?!
First Rome, now Spain…are these boars following the historical path of the Visigoths?
Hunting season didn’t happen in 2020 because of Covid.
And since we killed all the forest predators centuries ago, missing one season means exploding population of boars and deer and shit, which means problems with fields and cities ^^
things should be back to normal soon enough, and wild meat will probably be super cheap this year ^^
…and boar shit and deer shit.
“SEE!!! This is how it happens!” – Shelby Houlihan
Wait, a T&F joke? Wow.
And there’s more where that came from!
“We cannot live knowing they may attack our pop stars ‘whenever, wherever.’”
I’ve seen this (delightful) gif a dozen times if I’ve seen it once but I’m getting old and my brain is going … Grizzly Adams, or Robert Redford?
It’s Zach Galifanakis you fool!Also, pretty sure I spelled that last name wrong
Yeah, it’s spelled “Barthelona”
Liver-eatin’ Johnson.
That one made me chuckle, along with “Blair Witch Porkject”
Well, she did sing “Try Everything.”
This boar just gets bolder and bolder.
Nah, just in the Southeastern Conference (Arkansas). He’ll be conquered and slaughtered when Nick Saban and Alabama Crimson Tide pays a visit in November – provided Georgia hasn’t neutered them this Saturday.
Whenever I hear the phrase “wild boars” I can’t help thinking of this:
Fuck everything about your text editor.
“Shakira was eaten by a boar.”“OH MY GOD!”“Well, actually, the boar just ate her bag.”“Was it a nice bag?”“Oh yeah.” “OH MY GOD!”
too bad they didnt maul her, otherwise, this isnt a story
We should praise these wild boars for their initiative. They’re only getting a head start on the post-apocalypse.
This sounds like a job for John Locke! Boar killer extraordinaire.
Have the boars reached Italy yet? I imagine they’ll head straight for Tuskany.
Pigs don’t lie
look, all imma say is who cares
Its pronounced boar-the-lona
How many of them were there?If it was 30-50, we may owe someone an apology.
Surely we can start an international tradition where boars are culled en masse for a bacon festival. Call it something like the Porkstravaganza. Shakira can perform at it every year.
It’s called hunting season. Which didn’t happen last year because of Covid.
Hence all the european boar news lately ^^
This year began with a Ghosts Can’t Do It alumni inciting an insurrection in America and ended with Europe being invaded by pigs. The hell is going on?
For the europig part, Covid is the hell going on. There was no hunting in 2020 because of all the restrictions. And western europe dosn’t have wild predators bigger than stray cats, so… boarsplosion ^^
They went after her purse rather than herself?
Turns out they were pigs from the Acencia Tributaria.
Oh Shakira, Shakira, didn’t you know that King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is?!
Oh no no-no no-no. Oh no no-no no-no.
People find out I have, like, a dozen guns and they always ask me the same thing: Why? What possible reason could you have to own all this firepower?Boars.That’s why they MADE guns, to kill boars before they broke your horse’s leg and ram you into pulp. Look it up.