Shakira laments unhelpful boar attack bystanders
The musician has provided new details on her run-in with a pair of purse-snatching hogs
Music Features Shakira
It’s been roughly one month since Shakira was mugged by wild boars and in that time we haven’t truly known a moment’s peace. For weeks, our minds have been troubled by the knowledge that marauding pigs could come flying through the bushes at any time, eager to snatch our purses like liberty spiked punks from a 1970s New York City crime movie. And now, speaking again about her fateful encounter with Barcelona’s hooligan hogs, Shakira has painted an even more anxiety-inducing image of the attack, explaining that bystanders watched her porcine predicament without offering any help whatsoever.
Glamour interviewed Shakira for the magazine’s November cover story and, knowing what readers want, opened the profile by asking for further details on her boar run-in.
“I was taking my son, Milan, for a walk in the park and I got him a little ice cream,” Shakira says, setting the stage. “We sat on one of those park benches and we were just minding our own business. And then two huge wild boars came from the back and ambushed [us] and took my purse!”
Shakira remembers that she was screaming “because they were taking it away, with my phone in it, my car keys, everything!”” She adds that it was almost as if the pig thieves “could understand me!” though their recognition of her as a terrified fellow living creature didn’t stop them from “digging inside my purse.” The boars smelled a sandwich, which they apparently retrieved before “[walking] away and [leaving] my purse.”
Worst of all, “people were just watching and they weren’t doing anything!” Shakira says. This last detail is especially terrifying to those of us who aren’t internationally famous pop stars.
If bystanders wouldn’t step in to help Shakira battle the hogs, what hope do the rest of us have?
Read the entire story for more, including information on Shakira’s climate change activism, which she is somehow still passionate about despite the fact that her hog run-in has exposed her to the very worst of both human and pigkind.
[via Stereogum]
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64 Comments
Apologies to Shakira, but what the hell are you supposed to do in that situation? I’m not gonna fight a boar for a purse
Random strangers are supposed to risk being mauled to get her phone back, duh. I mean, it’s just their life and safety, but it’s her _phone_!
I would if it was Shakira’s purse…
Hmm…I still think the potential for grievous bodily harm outweighs the very slim possibility of Shakira sleeping with me in gratitude.
Why not both? Give that adjustable ICU bed a good workout.
Not even saying she’d become more sexually attracted to my fat ass after helping her with some boars, but maybe she’d give me $20!
What about her ‘intimacy pouch’? Would you wade in for that?
Her EXCUSE ME?
Would you say that to Jason Mamoa?
You don’t deserve her famous rump!
She makes good BBQ?
For what it’s worth, this is the quote from the article:
And people were just watching and they weren’t doing anything!” she says, laughing now over the incident in which luckily no one was hurt.
So, as usual, it’s the twats at AVClub making shit up.
Samesies. Sorry babe, but IT’S A WILD FUCKING BOAR. Those things will fuck. you. up. If a boar were attacking her or her child, maybe. But that’s still a big maybe because, let’s face it, even rifle fire doesn’t necessarily bring down a boar, and they tend to move in packs. But chase after a boar for some rando lady’s purse (because I 100% would not have recognized Shakira in the moment), nuh-uh, nope, not gonna happen.
Was it a ham sandwich? Maybe the boars aren’t the assholes here.
bystanders watched her porcine predicament without offering any help whatsoever.
I wouldn’t offer to help, either. Boars are dangerous. When I was staying in Tuscany in 2016, I was told not to go out beyond the property walls after dark because of the boars.
Shakira remembers that she was screaming “because they were taking it away, with my phone in it, my car keys, everything!”
She can afford replacements.
Worst of all, “people were just watching and they weren’t doing anything!” Shakira says.
What exactly did she expect them to do?
Dangerous AND smart and able to adapt and learn, meaning that they become even more dangerous. Plus the adult males can withstand rifle fire to a point, which means you’ve got a smart, dangerous and now injured animal that will do it’s best to maul you to death.They also love traveling in groups. So yeah, I’m very curious as what she expected people to do short of telling her to chill out and stay back. I doubt the bystanders were packing anything heavy enough to drop them in one shot.
Man, now I wish I had tried to help her and been able to say “clevah girl” right before I was mauled.
If I’m going to wish I got to reenact a scene from Jurassic Park, it’d be the scene where the heroes safely escape the island.
I’d eat cake.
*rolls dice*
sorry, @dirtside, you got “Search for Lilac Berries in an Big Pile of Shit” again.
“You can’t trap a boar in there! They’re too smart!”
Hahaha, OK, admittedly, I’m on a 2nd (or maybe 3rd …) adult beverage, but I read “… able to adapt and learn… ”, and then I thought the next sentence said, “can fire a rifle”. :DI was like, well, jeebus, if you try to run, they’ll probably jump in a car and run you down.
“And people were just watching and they weren’t doing anything!” she says, laughing now over the incident in which luckily no one was hurt.”
That’s from the article. The cunt AVClub writer added the twatty “Worst of all” as if Shakira actually expected people to do anything.
Petrified Pedestrians, Paying For Pastries, Paralyzed By Porcine Predicament!
“Look, I’ve sung about the importance of trying everything in Zootopia, so couldn’t these guys at least try something to help? Don’t give up, don’t give in, that sort of thing?”
I don’t blame them. I’m not starting with a boar.
Neither does she, but the dickhead who wrote this article decided that Shakira’s actual quotes weren’t enough.
How does one process then react to seeing Shakira chasing a wild boar? I think that the situation was over before most people processed it.
The first thought has to be “This is either a Jackass or Remi Galliard stunt”. Or Ace Ventura.
A: A wild boar will fuck you up, chasing it is a really bad idea!
B: If a wild boar with a purse in its mouth runs by you with Shakira in hot pursuit it has just turned into ‘pull out your phone and record THIS shit’ time.
I…don’t know how I would react if I saw two boars mug Shakira.
It’s kind of a boaring situation anyway.
As if Vin Diesel and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson could stop bickering long enough to mug anyone.
You should always call the police. They speak pig.
All Cops Are Boars?
If wild boars are attacking a person, you try and help. If wild boars are attacking a thing (a purse, for instance), you gtfo. Sorry about your Fendi, Shakira.
This headline needs hyphens or quotation marks or both.
Let me help. Shakira laments: “Unhelpful boar, attack bystanders!” Unfortunately the boar didn’t attack anyone, thus stopping Shakira’s attempt to become the supervillainess Boar Queen.
You know what? This does help.
I heard that in an old-timey newsreel voice. “Unhelpful Boar: Attack Bystanders! Watch out for those wiley wild hogs and buy war bonds!”
I often try to imagine how I’d react to a situation when I read about these “and bystanders didn’t intervene” stories. Like, I’d have definitely had some sweet-ass ninja moves against the Philly subway rapist. But sorry Shakira, this is a definite point-and-laugh scenario even in my fantasies of badassedness.
But you’re not just a puma, you’re a surprise puma!Surely boars, even wild ones would not have stood a chance.
Pumaman! He fights boars like a moron!
“That rich lady is being hassled by hungry hogs!”“Woo, that was a close one.”
I’m sure there are people in Spain who know how to both use firearms and hunt animals. Why isn’t the government paying them to take out the hogs? They’re a problem in some rural areas here in the US but they’re not roaming populated areas unchecked. I wouldn’t confront those things without a powerful rifle, especially a group. One of those tusks catches the artery in your thigh and you’re dead very quickly.
Ah, they are most definitely roaming population areas unchecked. We used to see them in my neighborhood all the time in Tucson.
There’s a big-ass national park right beside Barcelona and that’s where the boars reside. I belive that their population is controlled regularily by licenced culls (bow & arrow I think). However, because of Covid the population has jumped, hikers are leaving less food in the garbage cans in the mountains and there has been a lot less traffic on the streets of the city lately. All of this has contributed to the boar incursions into the town. I’ve never read of anyone having been gored by a boar in the city or in the park. The boar are very used to humans. They have also interbred a little with domestic pigs (the boar, not the humans) and this also makes them less aggressive. So I reckon were fairly safe until they develop opposable thumbs.
That makes sense with a park so close to the city. Humans feeding wild animals always creates problems. I guess those boars are somewhat less aggressive than the American kind. Pig DNA must do wonders. Our feral hogs will absolutely attack and kill humans.Bow and arrow seems like an interesting idea but I’d have to shoot from a tree for safety’s sake, at least until I saw how they acted compared to the ones I’ve seen. Do you know if they use bows because of firearms restrictions in the park or is this a technique they use while hunting them in populated areas?
This guy uses a blowgun, apparently:https://www.theguardian.com/world/2019/jul/30/boar-wars-how-wild-hogs-are-trashing-european-cities
I think firearms are banned in the park because it’s so close to the city. The interbreeding with the domestic pigs is a double edged sword. It makes the boar less aggressive, but they also tend to have larger litters, which adds to the overpopulation problem.
https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/30-50-feral-hogs
I mean the woman is supposedly a Mensa member but doesn’t know how dangerous boars are? They will cut a bitch. Then eat you.
Take it easy there, Gary Oldman.
“What?”
It’s not as if there’s any money in her purse. That’s all in an offshore tax haven.
I find it hard to believe that in Spain of all places, there wasn’t a single macho idiot ready to throw down against wild angry livestock. I mean it’s a national sport there!
Macho bullshit in Spain hasn’t been the same since Hemingway’s death. He would’ve gone after that boar, a rifle in one hand and a drink in the other.
Why bother with the rifle, you could drink more.
I mean, if you can’t beat a boar at a drinking contest, can you really call yourself a macho man? (Oooh, yeah!)
Challenge accepted!
From what i remember playing Age of Empires, boars are pretty tough to take down. Usually you had to send at least 4 people after them, preferably 5.
Wow, you’d hope the bystanders would at least be decent enough to film the attack on their phones
As an apostle of Bobby Hill, I would yell “I DON’T KNOW YOU!THAT’S MY PURSE!” ,and give the boar a switft kick in the balls. Works (almost) everytime.