Let us make no mistake about it: Were Chucky the murder doll—and we’re talking old-school Chucky here, the one possessed by a voodoo-wielding Brad Dourif, and not that wi-fi enabled pretender from 2019—real, then we could only pray and hope that the Amber Alert system used to notify American citizens of potential child abductions would be keeping tabs on him. After all, Chucky is not only one of cinematic dolldom’s most prolific purveyors of high-quality stabbings; he’s also a seriously shitty dad, having treated his child Glen (in 2004's Seed Of Chucky) to his usual brand of murder-prone mayhem.
Luckily, Chucky’s not real. (Actually, let us do a quick Google search…Okay, yeah, phew, Chucky’s not real.) Which is what makes an alert issued this morning by Texas’ Department Of Public Safety a little odd, in that it listed Chucky—including the date points of height: 3'1", race: Other (doll)—as the suspect in a child abduction. Specifically, an abduction of Glen, complete with a screenshot from Seed Of Chucky in their profile. Chucky was reportedly listed as wearing “Blue denim overalls with multi-colored stiped long sleeve shirt wielding a huge kitchen knife,” which, fair enough, good to know.
According to local news outlet KENS 5, the alert reportedly went out three times via email earlier this morning, warning Texas residents to be on the lookout for the evil doll and his absconded child. Owning up to the mistake, DPS issued a statement today, announcing that “This alert is a result of a test malfunction. We apologize for the confusion this may have caused and are diligently working to ensure this does not happen again.”
Which, fair enough: We can totally see how a bored public safety worker might, while developing a crushingly serious system designed to alert people of abducted children, decide to get a little playful with a test system that no one was ever supposed to see. Still, it can’t have been fun for Texas residents—it’s not clear how many received the message—to be suddenly forced into a world in which Chucky the Doll is not only real, but active in their neighborhoods.
Wait, hey: Chucky’s not real, right? He didn’t turn real while we were writing this? *Googling intensifies* Okay, phew. Scary thought, though!
21 Comments
Obviously we all know that Chucky the murderous doll is not real …. but what Texas is presupposing is, what if he was
They’re probably familiar with that logic from Tucker Carlson.
Nothing surprising about this. Texas is well known for its anti-Irish prejudice.
The real kidnappee:
Owning up to the mistake, DPS issued a statement today, announcing that “This alert is a result of a test malfunction. We apologize for the confusion this may have caused and are diligently working to ensure this does not happen again.”CUT TO:Chucky holding a knife to someone at the DPS as they send this statement out.
Considering how 2020-21 has been going “Chucky is real” wouldn’t surprise me in the least.
Huh. Texas amber alert subscriber here. Definitely did not get this alert.
Judging from that amber alert page, Chucky weighs 16 pounds. That’s a heavy-ass doll!
Murder weighs on the soul quite literally.
“It’s fucking Chucky!”
Or…maybe there’s a redheaded midget armed with a chef’s knife abducting children in Texas?I mean, it’s not exactly Florida…but would you really be surprised?
Texas is just Florida with oil money.
And fewer amusement parks. Even fewer now that they tore down AstroWorld.
Very relevant post
Chucky sure likes them Stand Your Ground laws.
Or it’s a early promo for the new Chucky series they’re about to start shooting!
I enjoyed the original Child’s Play (it’s all Dourif, really), but seriously, once you find out it’s the doll that’s killing everyone, it’s pretty easy to kick its ass.
It’s easier to kill the newer Chucky, like if you’re Amish you can’t get killed by him whereas the Amish population can get killed by OG Chucky.
Hey Texas…could you do us all a favor and secede? You may even have Donald Trump; we promise this time we won’t sic the Israeli mercs on you.
It’s not just being playful – it’s a good idea to have test data that’s obviously not real, just in case it does ever slip out like this.