These human-face dog muzzles will probably be the last thing you see before you die
Aux Features dogs
Today in nightmare fuel: the “AXAYINC Dog Masks, Pet Entertainment Spoofs, Super Cute Masks Designed for Pets to Prevent Bites and Eat Unclean Food.”
As the name very clearly implies, these masks, available on Amazon, serve as a fun way to keep your dog from biting things and eating food that is not clean (?) while also making your dog look like a serial killer. Or, conversely, you could wear the mask and do some murdering of your own. Look at these fucking things.
How the mask works is simple: Somewhere far across the pacific, the masks are sealed in plastic, packed into cardboard boxes, and shipped to a seaport where they are loaded into large cargo containers, which are in turn loaded onto a massive container ship. Through the miracle of modern fossil fuels, that boat, big as a skyscraper, surges across the ocean and into an American harbor. From there it’s just a matter of unloading those containers from the ship, loading them onto trucks, and driving those trucks to an Amazon warehouse. Finally, someone in that warehouse grabs your order, packages it into a different cardboard box, loads it onto a different truck that drives to your general area, where it is loaded onto a smaller truck or, these days, maybe just some dude’s car, and it is driven to your house or apartment and thrown over a fence.
Voila! Your dog’s face now looks like a fucked-up person.
Now, as some commenters have noted on Amazon, it sure seems like these masks wouldn’t actually stop your dog from biting anyone, nor does it seem like your dog would be able to breathe while wearing it. This is not a problem. As the product description helpfully explains, there is a breathing hole, so, like, don’t even worry about that. As for the whole “stop your dog from biting” thing, perhaps you weren’t paying attention to the part where this is clearly a “Pet Entertainment Spoof” and, as such, Dumb Starbucks parody law applies.
Finally, you might be concerned that this thing is going to 100% reek of latex. Again, no, because per the product description, “latex mask material, latex smell, you can clean it after receiving the goods, ventilated place, the smell will disappear.” Cool, got it.
[via BoredPanda]
23 Comments
Thanks, I hate it.
Now if only they had one of “Banjo Dog” from the 1978 Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
*SHIVER
Oh Yeahhhhhhh…the only other good thing in that movie besides the open mouthed siren-like shriek of Donald Sutherland.BTW – these things are atrocious. Who would do this to their pet?
Who? A sick, sick individual with no respect for their animal.
Me.
Kind of reminds me of that scene in ‘What We Do in the Shadows’.
I try not to personify dogs since they express themselves differently than humans. But look at those eyes. That is unquestionably an expression of profound sadness.
I thought that top pic was a closeup of a Catwoman statue.
Uh . . . nope?Also, just to be clear . . . nope.
These look those masks designed for disfigured World War I veterans:
on dogs? no … but on babies? hell yah! Wish I had some little nieces/nephews to scare for life with a couple of these. With the right amount of make-up and blending that cigar-chomping one would be an awesome hobo costume feature.
I just bought on to wear around the office
#dogtoo
You brought it on yourselves.
seen these sold as Halloween masks for humans for the past 10 years at the local dollar store. someone decided to label them for pets? neato. =(
Goddamnit, Alexa! I said dog-faced human muzzles. This fucking party ain’t going to plan itself.
HEY!!! trigger warning motherfuckers??can’t. unsee. trying…but can’t
but the other dogs will make fun of your dog for that.
NO.