Donald Trump is already far from Washington, D.C., where Joe Biden is set to be sworn in as the 46th president of the United States, but he’s reportedly left one final surprise for his successor. No, it’s not an “unpleasant mess” in the toilet, but, according to the New York Times and Washington Post, a note that we imagine is filled with tender words of encouragement. Just kidding, it’s probably some word salad about he won, actually, and some gobbledygook about windmills causing cancer.
But while whatever he wrote is bound to be funnier than anything we could imagine, the online masses have nevertheless sought to conjure up some of pop culture’s most unhinged notes from The Simpsons, Kids In The Hall, Sex And The City, and others to help reflect the cuckoo clock clanging around in Trump’s head.
The swiftness with which the bits dropped serve as an illustration of just how well-honed our culture’s penchant for memefication has become over the past four years, nearly every day of which offered us some mind-bending new bit of anguished absurdity to riff upon. We’re all old hands at this now.
Consider these bits a sendoff of sorts, one last gasp of laughter to bid adieu to four miserable years. In the words of our outgoing president, “Bye-bye.”
Send Great Job, Internet tips to [email protected]
53 Comments
It was actually pretty articulate and moving, but unfortunately wasn’t legible because of the package of Arby’s Horsey Sauce that had been spilled on it.
It’s blank. You know it’s blank. All the “big important notes” have been blank. Why mess with “success”?
How sure are we that Trump isn’t illiterate?
Not very sure. I believe Samantha Bee did a whole episode on the theory that Trump couldn’t read early in the presidency
Ha, ha…Very funny. Donnie knows it’s unliterate.
Is he functional?
“Please don’t put me in prison”
Since Trump is such a cunning linguist, I would predict it’s 60% fugazi, self-aggrandizing claims that the election was stolen from him, 30% taunts about how his Inauguration crowd was bigger than Biden’s could ever be, 5% something offensive about how he’ll be working with A WOMAN, and the remaining 5% a reference to how he left an upper-decker in one of the toilet tanks.
Oh, and 100% of it was actually written by Stephen Miller waiting outside the bathroom door while Trump sweatily dictated during the act of the upper-decker.
(enclosed)
Trump would never listen to Fugazi
GG Allin, perhaps, but not Fugazi.
I came here to say the same thing. I lived in DC for a few years, and almost took a job with a guy that was on the outer fringe of the DC music scene, but he knew Ian MacKaye personally and I’m still kicking myself for not taking that job. Crazy what comes up in interviews sometimes…
I’ve been saying for months that he would probably leave upper deckers in every WH toilet…if he can get up that high.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure he just shit into the open mouth of the press secretary and she spit it back out like they’ve been doing for the last four years.
I don’t know what it says but I would certainly have someone to check it out for anthrax.
“As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster” – Trump
“…the only things on my mind were Paul Newman and a ride home…”
“I’ll give you $1 million for a pardon. Ask Rudy for the check.”
“No, it’s not an “unpleasant mess” in the toilet” Don’t be too sure…
Man. Woman. Person. Camera. TV
Are we still doing covfefe? Someone should say, if we are…
He left behind the Presidential equivalent of this “joke”A new CEO was hired to take over a struggling company. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run into serious trouble,” he said.Well, three months later sales and profits were still way down and the new CEO was catching a lot of heat. He began to panic but then he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.” The new CEO called a press conference and explained that the previous CEO had left him with a real mess and it was taking a bit longer to clean it up than expected, but everything was on the right track. Satisfied with his comments, the press – and Wall Street – responded positively.Another quarter went by and the company continued to struggle. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” So he fired key people, consolidated divisions and cut costs everywhere he could. This he did and Wall Street, and the press, applauded his efforts.Three months passed and the company was still short on sales and profits. The CEO would have to figure out how to get through another tough earnings call. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”
That was a version of the joke originally about Stalin leaving three envelopes for his successor.
you’re awfully damn confident with yer etymology there son … saying some Russkie came up with such a classic. Jokes like that are pure Catskills, 100% American … why you never could get quality humor like that anywhere on the continent.
Boy, you elves sure have a way with the telling of a jokes…
Dear Joe,
Thanks for the fab painting of yours truly. I hung it on me wall! You’re quite an artist! In answer to your question, yes, we do have hamburgers and fries in England, but we call french fries “chips!”Love, Ringo DonaldP.S. forgive the lateness of my reply.
They really didn’t get any better after the first Simpsons example, what an amazing postcard from Homer.
Deer Sleepee Joey,U are nowe prezident. I luv jobe. I miss doin it. Hop u do good jobe. Do u noe Santa Claus?Donny Trump
Does anyone really think that he wrote that letter himself? One of his last lingering staffers, bored out of their mind twiddling their thumbs while waiting for the inauguration, wrote something up and snuck it into the drawer while tRump was watching Fox News.
It’s a Dickbutt drawing, guaranteed.
Its a picture of a dinosaurs perfect asshole
It’s a life-sized cardboard cutout of Ben Affleck…kissing a dinosaur’s asshole.
A greasy McD’s wrapper he wiped his ass with?
Sadly, even if its total shit, Biden is far to classy a guy to release any of what it says. We gotta hope for a staffer leak or I suppose a freedom of information request may get you a copy
The letters are always eventually made public. They aren’t considered private letters, and there is no compelling reason to classify them.
))<>((Forever
no letter, nothing but a bunch of takeout menus that big manila envelope
Who are we kidding, we all know it’s a request to get Biden to reinstate Trump’s Twitter account.
“That mess in the bathroom? Wasn’t me. I don’t even like burritos, and when I do eat them – which is often – my digestion is perfect. It produces the most beautiful shit you’ve ever seen, with no flatulence at all, and despite what the liberal news media would like you to believe, there’s certainly NO explosive diarrhea. Never! #NOTMYSHIT”
He wrote it in crayon and misspelled “president” three different ways
Soviet-era anecdote: When Khrushchev was deposed and succeeded by Brezhnev, the new chairman found two letters in his desk, along with a handwritten note from Khrushchev: “Comrade, when you encounter your first major crisis, open the first letter. When you encounter your second major crisis, open the second letter.”A year passed and Brhezhnev encountered his first major crisis. Remembering the letters, he opened the first one, which read: “Blame everything on me.” Brezhnev blamed Khruschev and sure enough, it worked and the crisis passed. A few more years passed and another crisis arose. Remembering the sage advice from the last time, Brezhnev opened the second letter. It read: “Sit down and write two letters.”
Id guess a couple of rapists have a few things in common to leave and read notes for each other.
“Dear new guy: If you push the red button on the desk, they’ll bring you a Diet Coke. For FREE!!”
Written in Sharpie.
“I know I was a shitty president. In general, I’ve always been a pretty shitty human being. But I got farther than any other shitty person in history, so I got that going for me. People remember Nixon a lot more easily than they remember any random nineteenth-century president who wasn’t Lincoln, you know what I mean? P.S. Of course it’s an aide writing this. You think that Cheeto could even be bothered? By the time you read this, that doughy fucker will be shopping for his next wife.”
“Fuk u ,slepy joluv,Dony”
It was brown.
“Hello… Mr Riden. Me bad want money now. Me sick. So pardon please me, Mr Biden”.
Don Jr.: “It’s Riden!”Melania: “No it isn’t!”Don Jr,: “Disregard.”
I’d like to think that Joe…President Joe Biden is Lisa Simpson.
“Oh look, it’s a single piece of paper that says ‘N****R F****T’. ”
Biden said it was “generous”. I am guessing that he didn’t write. That some pissed off staffer or intern pranked him.