If you were to go full Billy On The Street and start running up to strangers on the streets of some random American city to ask them to name a Christmas song, you’d probably get a pretty wide range of responses. (Don’t do this, folks, it being a pandemic and all.) But it’s also likely that the people who didn’t tell you to get the hell away from them with that microphone would name a song from before 1950. That, or they’d say “All I Want For Christmas Is You,” which is completely understandable.
So why is it that, when Mariah Carey’s not involved, contemporary Christmas songs tend to vanish from our collective cultural consciousness faster than those little peanut butter Reese’s trees? Unsurprisingly, nostalgia has a lot to do with it.
This explainer from Cheddar breaks down the rise of secular Christmas music, from Irving Berlin’s inspiration for “White Christmas” to the inclusion of songs from the likes of The Waitresses and, yes, Mariah in the Christmas canon. It acknowledges the emotional and contextual layers involved, as well as the intricacies of the recorded music industry. It’s a lot, but the video breaks it down clearly and engagingly. Worth your time. Now go ahead and make your arguments for the seasonal contributions of artists like Britney Spears and Destiny’s Child in the comments. We did our own version of that in a recent Inventory.
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178 Comments
Extreme “This Christmas” erasure; an absolute banger from 71.
It’s not Christmas without Grandma…….
If I ever got famous, and got invited to contribute a Hatesong entry for the AVC, that would probably be my pick.
Or Run DMC
Because, like everything in our society, Boomer Culture demands it.
Let Me Explain To You How All Christmas Music Was Influenced By The Beatles
Thank you, Baby Boomer Santa
You could probably make that argument judging from there yearly Christmas message for the fanclub.
In Finland it’s not a Christmas Classic if it’s younger than 100 years.
Fuck yes, in a hundred years you get to hear Burzum in stores!
Bingo bango.
I spent five years working for a radio station in the late 1990s. One of the ones that play nothing but Christmas music from the day after Thanksgiving, right up until January 2nd, when regular programming begins anew.
When I would got a request from a listener, you want to know which song it was? I’d wager that in at least half the instances, the song was either that execrable Mariah Carey song (which I grew, over five years, to loathe with a passion I never would have thought possible), or one of perhaps four others, including Madonna’s “Santa Baby,” Wham’s “Last Christmas,” Run-DMC’s “Christmas in Hollis,” or Elmo & Patsy’s “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer,” which — incidentally — the latter of which can also go straight to hell.
The requests were almost uniformly for the new songs. The other songs, people might have liked, but there was no overwhelming imperative to request them. They’d enjoy the tunes as they came over the airwaves. No one requests “Holly Jolly Christmas” because — in the strictest sense — that song doesn’t matter in an individual sense. It’s part of a larger backdrop of Christmas tunes that flow in one ear, and out the other. And I say that as an avowed fan of “Holly Jolly Christmas.” It’s inessential. Nobody’s sitting around listening to these things doing nothing. They’re driving, or wrapping gifts, or talking on the phone. It’s basically Muzak for the distracted holiday officiant.
The bigger question is who is out there creating NEW Christmas tunes, as it seems like a great way to prolong someone’s career, or revitalize those ASCAP royalty checks around the Yuletide. Mariah Carey’s song doesn’t endure just because it’s (somewhat) newer than the standards. It’s also a new(er) arrangement. Most holiday singers are crooning the same tired old shit.
I think you nailed it – it’s all covers. I like Jimmy Eat World’s version of “Last Christmas” because it’s not a note-for-note remake, but even still, it’s a cover. I also think there’s a deconstruction element to most modern Christmas songs where they either feature ironic cheesiness or they attempt to flip the formula and sing about the holiday blues. But either way, it makes them ill suited for longevity.
This is a great comment (no sarcasm).
I’d argue that they were requesting the new songs because the older songs were probably what was in normal rotation on your stations and out at the mall and other places Christmas music is playing. Outside of watching Die Hard you rarely here “Christmas in Hollis” pop up in regular Christmas music circulation
Now, THIS is the only rational and believable reason for the above claim (if it was true at all), because if the anecdote is to be believed then it shouldn’t be this difficult to get a new song into the “Christmas Song Canon.” But Billboard’s data on STREAMING that is a direct measurement of what people actually like to listen (as opposed to what radio spoonfeeds us) demolishes the nonsensical claim of somebody who admits hating the song that has been the undisputed #1 for the past 2 decades now. Bitterness tends to twist the “truth” into shapes that don’t resemble it in any way.https://www.billboard.com/articles/business/chart-beat/9503330/mariah-carey-bts-no-1-global-charts
Now, THIS is the only rational and believable reason for the above claim (if it was true at all), because if the anecdote is to be believed then it shouldn’t be this difficult to get a new song into the “Christmas Song Canon.” But Billboard’s data on STREAMING that is a direct measurement of what people actually like to listen to (as opposed to what radio spoonfeeds us) demolishes the nonsensical claim of somebody who admits to hating the song that has been the undisputed #1 for the past 2 decades now. Bitterness tends to twist the “truth” into shapes that don’t resemble it in any way.
https://www.billboard.com/articles/business/chart-beat/9503330/mariah-carey-bts-no-1-global-charts
Or my kitchen when making Christmas dinner.Yes, I’m a 40+ white guy.
“they were requesting the new songs because the older songs were probably what was in normal rotation”Anyone that I’ve ever met that has taken requests at a radio station has said that most people will request things that are in the rotation and would get played anyway.And that’s because people are dumb.
“they were requesting the new songs because the older songs were probably what was in normal rotation”Everyone that I’ve met that has taken requests at a radio station has said that most people request things that are already in the rotation and would be played anyway.That is partly because they might get mentioned on the radio as the requestor, but mostly because they are dumb.
Nonsense, all of it (see my reply below that is actually backed by real data). Your last paragraph doesn’t even make any sense whatsoever or even state any truth. Almost every artist who has ever come out with a Xmas album has attempted to crack the canon with a new song but nobody but Mariah has done more than fail miserably. And on the contrary, it’s ACTUALLY BECAUSE most of them have tried to update the sound instead of sticking to the “timeless” Spector arrangement and production (besides the genius in the melodic structure and relatability of the lyrics) that Mariah and her songwriting/producing partner decided to stick to back in 1994 that they succeeded. What may be “tired” to you is actually familiar and comforting to most people.
One song comes to mind – here in the UK at least, ‘Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End)‘ has regrettably extended the lifespan of The Darkness’s awful shtick.
I’d forgotten about that one, and now I’ve remembered it. I hate you. If I recall correctly, the whole song exists just so they could almost but not quite say the word ‘bellend’ on the radio?
Yes. And to make boatloads of money, both off standard-issue morons who like xmas music, and metalhead morons who think that because it’s got guitars it’s a really edgy alternative to other xmas songs.
I haven’t bothered to listen to it, but The Killers write new Christmas music fairly often. I think there actually is a fair amount of new Christmas music, it just doesn’t stick in the public consciousness for whatever reason.
Nonsense, all of it (see my reply below that is actually backed by real data). Your last paragraph doesn’t even make any sense whatsoever or even state any truth. Almost every artist who has ever come out with a Xmas album has attempted to crack the canon with a new song but nobody but Mariah has done more than fail miserably. And on the contrary, it’s ACTUALLY BECAUSE most of them have tried to update the sound instead of sticking to the “timeless” Spector arrangement and production (besides the genius in the melodic structure and relatability of the lyrics) that Mariah and her songwriting/producing partner decided to stick to back in 1994 that they succeeded. What may be “tired” to you is actually familiar and comforting to most people.
“it seems like a great way to prolong someone’s career”Cliff Richard has gotten a lot of mileage out of modern Christmas songs.
Madonna’s “Santa Baby,”This person probably prefers Buble doing Sinatra over Sinatra doing Sinatra. I love Sinatra’s Xmas album.
Yeah, it was never Eartha’s version that got requested – only ever Madonna’s. This despite Eartha’s version dripping with 130% more suggestiveness.
But you’re right about Sinatra. He’s always been the gold standard.
Also, Baby it’s Cold Outside, Ray Charles and Betty Carter was playful and frisky like a courting couple. I’m not sorry that I don’t find this as an offensive ode to sexual assault John Legend.
And here you go. Buble doing Baby It’s Cold Outside. So square. And the fact that it’s kids dancing and drinking soda does not change the fact that the song is about seeeeeexxxxxxx.
I for one could do with more Michael Buble versions of Christmas classics. You know the ones – where he sings like a watered down Sinatra? I actually don’t have anything against Mr. Buble. It’s just that I’ve noticed more and more of his songs popping up.
I can’t watch the video but a lot of the secular Christmas classics had a feeling of melancholy that came from the war years. White Christmas and I’ll Be Home for Christmas being two that immediately come to mind. They speak of a longing for home and family that people can relate to. The happier songs were done with the pop sensibilities of the 40s and 50s which I think lends itself more easily to Christmas music than later pop sounds.
How about the original lyrics for “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas?”:Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
It may be your last.
Next year we may all be living in the past.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
Pop that champagne cork.
Next year we may all be living in New York.
No good times like the olden days.
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who were dear to us.
Will be near to us no more.
But at least we all will be together.
If the Lord allows.
From now on, we’ll have to muddle through somehow.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.Now THAT’S melancholy.
Exactly! Written in 1943, just like I’ll Be Home for Christmas.
Yeah, it originally came from a pretty sad part of Meet Me in St. Louis. I wonder who made it radio-friendly?
That would be Frank Sinatra. He decided it wasn’t jolly enough for his Christmas album and replaced some of the sadder lyrics with more upbeat lyrics, and as a result one of the most achingly beautiful (in my opinion) Christmas songs of all time morphed into the schmaltz we always hear on the radio today.
I just made a Michael Buble comment above. He is the worst of schmaltz. Yeah his voice is fine but lacks any nuance which Sinatra had in spades. Sinatra is inside and outside the song, behind and ahead of the beat. I’ve even heard his completely off key make it sound cool. Buble is just dullsville. Don’t get me started n Rod Stewart standards. Great rock and roll voice but Tony Bennett torch songs? Not for you Rod.
According to the Christmas movie documentary that airs every year on TCM, it was Judy Garland herself. She said her character wouldn’t possibly sing such a sad song to her kid sister, who was already upset.
https://news.avclub.com/why-are-there-so-few-new-classic-christmas-songs-1845929351
I’ll see you, and raise you:And that’s why, Tubes, my mum couldn’t be in a house with roofers working on it until about 2010.
Yeah the video points out that White Christmas was written by Irving Berlin when he was missing home in New York and thinking about his infant son who died on Christmas 12 years before.
The one-two punch of:
1) Death of the monoculture2) Most Christmas songs just aren’t that good
Death of monoculture is absolutely such a huge reason, not that I’m complaining. Opinions are another, no question. I personally think The Pogues’ Fairy Tale In New York is an absolute gem. I also think Marching Church’s Christmas On Earth could be another total classic, but someone else will listen to it and think its hot garbage. Also, techincally Outkast ‘Players Ball’ is a christmas song, that’s also undoubtedly a modern classic.
Re number 2:
To be frank, we could do with about 50 fewer Christmas songs than we currently have.
“Dear Mr. President, There are too many Christmas songs nowadays. Please eliminate three.I am not a crackpot.”
It wouldn’t be so bad if the 24-hour Christmas station would at least play more versions of each song.
This should help:https://www.falalalala.com/vox-com-says-the-only-christmas-music-playlist-you-will-ever-need/
If you could get rid of one Christmas song, what would it be? I’d wipe “All I Want For Christmas Is You”.
I’d settle for two less songs – Wonderful Christmastime and Christmas Shoes.
Christmas Shoes must remain for the sake of Patton Oswald’s standup. And we need to eliminate Happy Christmas (War Is Over) first, as it is the worst Christmas song.
Have you heard the Shins’ cover of Wonderful Christmastime? They truly saved the song from itself.
Christmas Shoes has to be one of the sickest songs of all time.I sometimes wonder if the kid is just pulling a con. I mean if you think about it…
Is there any modern music that will become classic? Everything is forgotten in minutes now. Everything is too fragmented now.
There have always been and always will be forgotten songs. We won’t know which are classic until they have a chance to stand the test of time.
Nobody sings,
Here comes Christmas like a man,
Armed with tongs and frying pan . . .
There’s a few that’ll definitely hold out. I’m gonna struggle to name any songs at all from this year, but from last year, Bad Guy will definitely stand the test of time.
“Bad Guy will definitely stand the test of time.” – Yeah… no. It makes “Boom Boom Pow” sound like a tuneful experience.
Honestly if you want to bet on which 2019 song will end up being an ear worm for years to come, I’d bank on Dance Monkey.
Bad Guy strikes me as the Billie Eilish song that will age the least gracefully. It’s a very specifically gen z teenage song based on some very 2010s production.
You just need to give pop music 1000 years to percolate.
Sir Mix-a-lot is classic! When I was in highschool my school won a call in contest from a local radio station and Sir Mix-a-Lot played our school gym. It was amazing
Everything is too fragmented now.This is the thing. The reason we have our holiday classics from the 50’s-60’s is because radio stations played them ad nauseam for decades. Radio was the only game in town.Now there’s streaming music, satellite radio, YouTube playlists, etc. There’s no one gatekeeper to shove new Xmas songs down your throat until they become a staple.
I can’t see in 30+ years people doing covers of Jay-Z or LMFAO or whoever is the hot meal ticket of the minute. I think people years from now are still gonna do covers of things like “Moon River” or “Hey Jude,” but nobody’s gonna touch “Anaconda” without having to make it some ironic, PostModern Jukebox-esque thing.
Those are terrible examples of contemporary music that would be covered in the future. Rap’s been around since at least the late 70’s, and it’s never been cool to unironically cover a rap song. It just never sounds like anything but karaoke. However, people will certainly be covering non-rap music of 2010-2020 in thirty years. I’m sure I could find hundreds of covers on youtube of songs that came out just this year without even trying.
You are indeed correct. There’s already hundreds of covers of songs from folklore which came out, like, five months ago.Of course, there’s a difference between a cover on YouTube by some rando that five people will ever watch, and a cover that becomes a big, widely-known hit.
I would also argue only using covers as a measure of a song’s longevity is a bizarrely arbitrary metric. It is a form of longevity, certainly, but it’s not the only one, and you can have classics that are rarely covered for a variety of reasons (technical difficulty, complexity, the original version is by an artist that is so distinctive that most covers just feel hollow in comparison). To use a non-hip hop example, The Beach Boys’ “Good Vibrations” is certainly a classic, but it’s rarely covered because of the complex vocal arrangements and use of theremin and other weird instruments. I’m sure that you can find some covers of it, but they aren’t common.And there are already tons of hip hop songs from the 70s, 80s, 90s, 00s, that people who like the genre consider to be classics, and covers of them are rare (although not unheard of, Tally Hall did a solid cover of Biz Markie’s “Just a Friend,” for instance, and the Eels have a great cover of Missy Elliot’s “Get Ur Freak On,” and I’m sure someone who actually knows more about hip hop could probably list more).
I’m pretty sure Empire State of Mind will still be around in 30 years… the city of New York is going to will it to happen.
Asked and answered.
yeah. Y’know where I live Christmas is subtropical. We get a lot of spectacular lightning storms. Rain where you can walk around in a singlet and shorts or go for a jog and not feel uncomfortable, the summer rain. We don’t do snow and fur, things melt, get bit, and go jungle misty mighty quick.
Modern songwriters seem to be scared of anything identifiable as a tune. I think it’s because they’re scared of getting sued if it turns out to be like anything that’s already been recorded.
the term “instant classic” get thrown around a lot these days when referring to music and what not.
there’s also the tendency for folks to want to “be a part of history” or “make history” at a lot of events.it’s interesting.
Yeah like 99% of all the ones recorded could be bulldozed into that big pile of Atari cartridges in the desert with no loss to society. If you want Christmas music stick on a King’s College Choir recording.
Ill have you know that anyone who claims All I Want for Christmas is You is a good song is forever my enemy. I have to listen to that fucking song everyday at work. Its awful!!!
In a just world, Mariah Carey would receive a painful, but non-fatal electric shock every time a person heard a second of “All I want for Christmas.” Yes, the effect would be consistent if they listen to the entire song. Yes if more than one person is hearing it at that moment, she receives more than one shock.
Ironically, it’s you who’s getting those metaphorical and probably real painful psychological jolts multiple times a day this month, Mr. Scrooge Grinch. And you deserve nothing less than the most appropriate reward for your defect. 😜😂🤣😈
I always liked College Humors version
And now I will always here that instead of the Carey version , thank you!(also for a parody version that has some seriously good choreography !)
I meant hear! I was that impressed by notEllieKemper’s dancing there I misspelled!
This is the issue with Christmas stations – you get the same songs on an endless hourly loop for 2 months, and it gets annoying rather quickly. I don’t care how much you love a song – it will turn to hate in the end.
At least novelty channels like Saint Patrick’s Day music is just for one day. That and the Dubliners are about ten times better then Mariah Carey
As people? Probably. As performers? That’s subjective.As singers? Unlikely. I’m not a fan of Carey’s music, but the woman can sing.
And then not only that, you’ll get the covers of those same songs too because nobody writes new music they just do covers!
So most people are your enemies then. That sucks to be you, especially when you have no choice because of your job. Possible solution: Have your your brain be tweaked by CRISPR-Cas9 to have more intelligence (if not also fix your awful taste in music 😜) so you wouldn’t have to be a sales clerk or mall janitor forever.
Not only is it a good song, there are multiple covers that are distinct from the original that are also good. For example:
Okay I know Dolly Parton did a version that wasn’t terrible. But I won’t negotiate anything else!
You were saying?
That Mariah Carey “Christmas” song is fucking terrible. It’s about time we all just admitted it.
When you said “all,” did you mean you and the two others who clicked the star beside your name that have the same dour and awful taste in music or maybe by mistake due to another affliction that you also have? Because if you’re expecting more than that, you must just be ironically forgetting to take your Namenda pills. So this message serves as your reminder.https://www.billboard.com/articles/business/chart-beat/9503330/mariah-carey-bts-no-1-global-charts
I meant all including brainwashed suckers like you who think a woman with a 5 octave range also has taste. You can be a huge commercial artist and still be shit: we call this the Nickelback/Creed/Milli Vanilli/Vicky Lawrence rule.I understand they are working on a pill for folks with terrible musical taste called the Carey (M). It also cures you of listening to Luke Bryan, Creed and other tasteless garbage. Here’s a Christmas song ten times better, btw…
Ah, yes! How rich, a wannabe “hipster” displaying the exact example of someone who betrays the one who ironically ly displays the characteristics he abhors by giving no legit reason for his hatred while believing he did. Tell us, what exactly in this statement “proves” that you have an “elevated taste?” […a woman with a 5-octave range.] Was it the “woman” or the “5-octave range?“ Or is it the combination of both qualifiers? Hipsters are actually the ones who tend to hide their real pleasures that they feel guilty about because, of course, anything that most other people love are not automatically “too popular to be kewl” so it’s, again, so ironic for them to ask others to “admit” something they don’t feel. Because it’s one thing to just sing along or dance to the one song most co-workers love at the office Christmas party in order not to be the party-pooper, but it would be an entirely different mental disorder to then keep pretending inside your car where you’re all alone by PAYING TO STREAM the same song you claim to hate that results in records that keeping getting broken every year. But keep PRETENDING that it is the vast majority that actually needs those pills, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL LESS MISERABLE. Have yourself a merry little!!!
The ALL CAPS makes me believe I’m truly speaking to a man of discernible class and taste. Also, my love of stuff that is ‘not cool’ includes Chuck Mangione, Pilot and other AM Gold artists.But all of them have a level of sincerity beyond a wide octave range that is designed to blow up mice ala Rock N Roll HS. And I’ll say it: even that McCartney piece of shit Christmas song is more fun than Carey’s. Also: you pay to stream? What a sucker.
Yep, continue to pretend that your nonsense about vocal range somehow correlates with “sincerity” and that makes you sooo “kewl.” Nobody curred after high school ended for you 6 decades ago. Even THE BARD (just to ANNOY YOU EVEN MORE) himself could not have thought of a richer irony than someone who keeps hoisting himself by his own petard even after he has been taught twice that he didn’t ’t have to do it just to be “funny” because it already is UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS by itself. Also, when I started to be an Amazon Prime member a decade sgo, they didn’t even have a video streaming service, let alone the music one, that all came along for the same price as without them. They’re the ones who sucked up to me to keep me, as far anything like THE TRUTH is concerned. But, again, THANK YOU for proving the POINT I was making about the ludicrousness of your TRUMPIAN DELUSION that we all secretly hate the songs we keep voting for in private by throwing out more nonsensical distractions that make nobody else but you think you’re SOOOO KEWL.KEEP DANCING FOR ME, MR. SCROOGE!!!
I’m sorry, I only understood the parts in caps. Can you please re-post all of this in caps?By the way, I’m sorry I offended you so badly Ms. Carey. You probably don’t want to hear my views on your acting and the rest of your shrill, shitty music. No irony in that your user name is a shitty Motley Crue album to boot. I’ll add my hipster credentials (Hipsters! Man that is rich – I better move to Brooklyn and get off of Long Island) that Dr. Feelgood was also a proto punk/pub rock band in the 70’s from England and you should probably listen to them instead of shitty Motley Crue. I wish you could see how funny your diatribes and defenses of Carey are. I doubt you’d get why it’s funny, but believe me it really is.
Oh no, you didn’t offend me. LMAO!!! I just saw a little PUSSYcat who was TRYING to roar like a lion and I was hungry so instinctively went in for the kill. You’re not even half as funny as you “think” you’re “intentionally” being and definitely not in the ONE PERCENTILE of the IQ bell curve and those who matter on earth. TRAGICOMEDY.
You actually wrote the above? That’s just too funny. The rest of us insignificant folk compared to you will just have to wallow in your accomplishments I guess.“I went for the kill” – are you just copying and pasting from a Trump biography? You are the gift that keeps on giving. And capitalizing pussy? That’s a brave and arty statement, one in keeping with a person who likes Mariah Carey’s music and *shudder* art. About as subtle as her performance in Glitter.
Nah, I just had to work (how many DECADES has it been since you did any?) and being on the frontlines of this war against this deadly virus gives us no down time for some fun with EASY prey. Sad, I know. But you see (or CAN you?), my online handle is a double reference to two totally different things that I’m passionate about that I’m sure are also way beyond your ken, as you so predictably are showing now. And that’s boring. But keep dancing (if flailing about helplessly could even be considered that), granny Grinch. It’s kinda amusing. I just said KINDA, so don’t flatter yourself yet again.
You have to work? I’m sorry, I went to college and got a great and high paying corporate job where I have dummies like you do the work for me.When you say frontlines, do you mean burger flipper or fries guy? Either way, I thank you for your service and for the delicious food that I have delivered to me. Please say you speak in public the way you write posts. It would be the campiest thing I’ve seen since Glitter and about as dramatic.
What unintentionally sad fiction you write. And what’s even more tragic about it are the disgusting implications within it that you seem to even be proud of. But give me more of this $hit.
So the BRD – you defined scope initially and then documented, right? Did your analysis capture the requirement that you should probably pick a fake position or job that you actually know something about?
This supposed to be also “smart” and “funny?”
Oh, and YOU “went to college?” Which trade school called itself “college” back in the 1950s? College (at THE top university in my case) was just like high school for me since I was enrolled in it at 14 and then got my doctorate at 21. So got your GED yet, gran?
I could tell by your capitalization, grammar and ability to write that you clearly earned a doctorate by 21. In shake-ology, I assume?So you’re a Doctor analyst on the front lines? Do you perform this duty while visiting your girlfriend in Canada?You are the gift that keeps on giving.
Took you THAT long to “think” of the lamest and mostest off-base “clapback,” gran? Already got back from my haircut that had the longest wait time ever, and…Anyways, it’s way past your bedtime, sweetipoo. Just to help you sleep faster, better and LONGER, here’s your FREE Rx:Px: Hairy Din Unlearned
83y/o, 84 years too many
Dx: F20.0
Rx: Haloperidol decanoate, 100mg/mL
# 1 liter
Sig: Inject per IV bolus rapidly, STAT!You”re very welcome!!!
I was laughing too hard at the idea of your Doctor Analyst position.Well, that and you actually going to college of course. Or the concept of Mariah Carey being able to sing anything that wasn’t sugar coated pap. Or maybe it was her acting that was making me laugh…
Hahahahahahahavahhahah!!! Go to CVS before they close so the pharmacist can administer your Rx ASAP.
Not even a THANK YOU? Rude.Merry Christmas, Granny Grinch!!!
I like that you put “hahahaha” in front of your own comment. Reminds me of a comedian who laughs before his own joke. I feel that your doctorate is about as valid as the Oscars for this gem…Question: considering I’m actually three years younger than the thespian below, how much photoshop do I need to look as “youthful” as her?
Just being kind to the useless elderly who has been TRYING HARD. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!! Thanks for the disgusting lapdance I didn’t ask for. I meant dance from AFAR. No thanks. Eeeww!!
And here I thought you wouldn’t be able to learn: I see you put the laugh after the punchline. Said punchline being Mariah Carey’s photoshopped face on that poster, your doctorate and your ‘front line’ job at the Burger Shack of course. What’s sadder: your defense of her shitty music, shitty acting or your made up doctorate at *snickers* 21?
Is this decrepit thing even capable of understanding anything, much less stay on topic that wasn’t even addressed except for the WHINING PURR FROM THE PUSSYcat that passed for an “argument?” Or should we just finally put it out of its misery the HARD WAY? Maybe that is what it craves.
That is some concise English right there. You put sentences together about as well as Mariah Carey sings or writes music. Or acts, or course.Just think: if I’m decrepit, Mariah Carey is the fucking crypt keeper!You’re definitely some type of idiot savant, minus the savant of course.
I can hear it still making some sort of noise from where it’s buried. Oh well, maybe it’s the futile cry for help as it gasps for that last liter of oxygen. IDK which liter will work faster at this point. We’ll just have to wait and see.
You’re a gifted storyteller in the same way that Mariah Carey is a gifted actress. It’s okay though: you can listen to the shittiest Christmas song this side of dog’s barking Jingle Bells to cheer yourself up.By the way, your attempt at gallows humor writing comes off about as well as the public reception to Glitter. Can you remind how that went again?
Yep, the puss is still making some whimpering sound. It’s the APPETIZER for the dinner I just picked up. I ordered, went out briefly to pick it up and now back, still giving me more than the food I actually ordered. Delicious!!!
By the way, I loved your novel. The intro alone was classic:“It was a dark and stormy night…I’d just failed out of a creative writing course. As I sat listening to fingernails screeching on a chalkboard I realized that my Mariah Carey collection needed something…sappier. Lamer. Something that would make Egg Nog curdle. I know what to put on immediately and reached for the Mariah Carey Christmas album…I take it back: you have a talent and you should share it with the world.
I just hear the cries but I don’t even try to decipher the messages (if any) because it’s useless. Sssshh now, my dear old puzzy, I know IT MUST BE REALLY PAINFUL FOR YOH but iit shouldn’t be long now. I’ll virtually hold your paws.
Is there anything sadder than not being able to respond back with actual comments, instead of self-dialogue that you think is funny?Don’t worry Doogie: you can curl up in your Mariah Carey blanket and watch Glitter till the cows come home.Me, I’m going to reread your post so I can have a good hearty laugh at work this morning
I think now the sound is coming from just the ghost of something that couldn’t accept its demise, DESPERATE to be taken seriously, in a way it has never been during its way too long life. How lugubriously TRAGIC.
I think the writing is from a deluded man: a person who honestly believes they graduated with a doctorated at 21 and creepily writes of others in the third person like he is Buffalo Bill or a very uninteresting, dull side Queen from a lesser John Waters film. The writing of a person unsure of themselves: realizing they’re obsession with an untalented vocalist and shitty actor is just embarrassing much like the writers life.Fixed that for you. Please keep responding as your terrible attempts at both writing and humor are great in a cringe inducing way. It’s okay though: when you’ve been beaten down like you have, I guess you can only respond in lame third party writings.
The pussy ghost REALLY NEEDS AND WANTS my approval and affirmation for something so trivial and immaterial to anything in the universe. Lmao!! So fun.
The only thing SHITTIER than your RANDOM and USELESS CAPITALIZATIONS is Maria Carey’s music and acting. You go on with your bad self, Tiger. By the way, how’s the “front line” work going? I’ll take a double cheeseburger with a vanilla shake, please.
As I keep posting some rather useless, save for the unilateral FUN, musings myself that work like whatever magic the Pied Piper’s music had over these huge rodents, the more Puzzy ghost seems to be attracted to it in defiance of the intended opposing effect. Could it be that the LD50 of the “therapeutic” intervention had been erroneously established for all these years? Thus, we propose the use of either a more potent alternative or double the dose of the current regimen to be administered STAT. We suggest referral to Dr. Isakson, industrial toxicologist or to a colleague of his or his department’s choosing if he’s not available for consult ASAP. This proposal or another recommendation by the toxicologist will be implemented per their clinical notes.
Stop…stop…you’re killing me…with laughter at your terrible writing and clear lack of medical knowledge.You come off like a third rate Queen in a John Waters film that thinks she’s clever and instead is so cringe it becomes camp. DO continue, Gladys.
OMFG, the desperate Rodent Kween must have 9 lives, it’s true!! Lmao!! May she choke on the stale left-overs from the garbage. Merry Frucking Xmas, you ancient, useless fug!!! Hoehoehoe!!!
Merry Christmas to you as well, Gladys. Don’t worry though, the other Queens will stop being bitchy and accept you one day. Just channel your inner Doogie Howser and come up with better, more sarcastic one liners.There’s nothing worse than a toothless Queen, dear.
OMG. the malidorous skunk ghost just LOOOVES the ONLY attention it must get. I am THE ULTIMATE GIFT for it. Aaaaww. I wonder what it’s saying because I only heard what it said the first 3 or 4 times before I dismissed it as the Desperate Rodent Kween that it is. It’s probably been awaiting the crumbs by the dumpster outside the hospital grounds to have been THIS QUICK to react with absolute glee. Hoehoehoe!
Gladys, you’re drunk again. And acting more out of it than Mariah Carey after Glitter bombed both financially and critically. Don’t worry though: I understand that you’re practicing and someday you’ll be able to make a truly funny, witty and most of all bitchy comment Gladys.
Lmao!! Hahahaha!!! The rat pretended to have been too busy but it probably was in the dumpster with all the Xmas food left-overs. I’m so honored and glad to be THE ULTIMATE GIFT to the MOST NEEDY in this time of need and season of giving. May she not rest in ETERNAL FLAME and suffer all the gravest of pain and sorrow that she deserves for being the Kween of All Rats. Amen.
Still laughing before the punchline, huh Gladys? Look, a true bitchy Queen knows how to deliver a set up and punchline. And yet you keep failing. I’m just trying to help you get better: you’ll never get those Cha-Cha heels for Christmas like Divine if you don’t learn.Night, Gladys.
Hahahaha, the Bitter Kween of Rats is such a sore loser, it’s still sore in hell!! Probably still mad as hell that nobody wanted to be near, much less fuck her loose ass. Because it’s stinkier than the 82 y/o skunk that it is. But I remain flattered that she’s obsessed with my approbation. Attan ANCIENT LOSER.
It’s okay Gladys. I know how hard it is to be a bitchy Queen when you’re young, lame and think you’re a doctor.Well, not that last one. I mean, who could be that self delusional to make up being a doctor at that young…oh. Well this is awkward. Don’t worry Gladys. You’ll never be fabulous, but you’ll have your made up Doctorate and your job at McDonalds.
HAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!! I think my pet Puzzy Rat is hungry so time to feed her again no matter how ghosts can’t really be fed and so they remain FAMISHED FOR ETERNITY. Like the old truism says, success is the best revenge and to that I add my own maxim that sweet uber-success makes the bitter even more bitter. But it’s truly beyond tragedy when it chooses to remain in bitterness when it SUPPOSEDLY lives in PRUNED SWEETNESS. Alas, the choice was just as feigned as much as its bluff was!! MUCH SWEETER for us then, dear Sancho Panza, much sweeter then. And so we leave this BITTER, OLD HAG and sour year and start the new year with a BIG BANG!!! It will keep yakking in its crypt and that will serve as both warning against the perils of getting near it as well as contrast to remind us of how much sweeter what we have is. It finally got a PURPOSE for which we are genuinely GRATEFUL. Now, on to something we have and it never had: LIFE, and my patients that all need more attention.
https://www.billboard.com/articles/business/chart-beat/9505043/mariah-carey-christmas-rules-global-charts
https://www.billboard.com/articles/business/chart-beat/9504998/mariah-carey-christmas-tops-hot-100-fifth-week
Customers at your fast food restaurant employer where you work the Fry Machine are not patients. Of course, someone who equates Mariah Carey with talent and taste is clear proof that you clearly never went to a school of higher education. To say nothing of your grammar and capitalization. I’m going to ring the New Year in with the classic below: if there’s a better way to sum up the wretched 2020 than this wretched film (or her wretched, soul-less over produced music) I can’t think of any Gladys.
Watch and LEARN, if you can.
I like that it took you hours to find another reference to Dr. Feelgood that you had to look up online. At least you didn’t go with the older established literary ones..Oh, who am I kidding? You listen to Mariah Carey. Your idea of literature would be a self help book from Dr. Oz.
Keep betraying the one who has more to prove to others than you intended and keep PRETENDING. It’s really hilarious how off-base you are with all your unfunny guesses that the word “stupid” couldn’t even be enough for description. But you sure do all the work of showing evidence for me and I ain’t complaining. Just here to do the easy job of analysis and I’m getting PAID LOTS FOR NOTHING.
So you’re a front line analyst? That sounds completely legit and not at all made up by someone who would capitalize words he wants to emphasize. As you’re an analyst, I’ll assume you’re building out a BRD or TDD correct? And who are your stakeholders in this project, Ronald McDonald or Grimus?
Okay, hopeless case. It isn’t my or my generation’s fault that you completely missed out on Grindr and even if you didn’t, no one would have curred still. Lmao!!! Still NOT my fault.
…A Japanese transistor radio…
My favorite “version” of that song:
I just don’t understand why this never became a true classic. Frankly, I seriously just discovered it about a week ago and am instantly hooked.
I knew right away why it didn’t catch on after having listened to just a quarter of it just now. Though I love the Andrews Sisters and that classic sound, the song itself has no memorable hook” and is all over the place so it’s not something you instinctively sing along to. It also doesn’t possess the “Christmas chords.”
Simply because Christmas songs are, at their core, based on a gimmick, That’s not how you create even so-so art.
Because why come up with classics when you can just play 50 different versions of Last Christmas and Santa Baby and Wonderful Christmastime and Santa Baby and Mama Kissing Santa Claus and Santa Baby and Santa Baby and SAN. TA. BA. BY!!!! AAAAAAHHHH!
Playing “Santa Baby” over a retail sound system should be a crime punishable by life imprisonment. It is the only song that I have ever heard where I genuinely don’t understand why anyone would enjoy listening to it. There are other songs that I dislike or hate, but I usually get why another person might enjoy it. Not “Santa Baby.” It is repugnant on every level to me.
It’s just awkward. And it’s one of those songs with 50 different versions, and half of them BELTED. ‘Tis the season for belting…I cannot stand “Last Christmas”, but I saw on FB that someone changed the lyrics to “Snake Plissken, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you escaped from L.A.” and thinking of it that way ameliorates the pain a bit. So does replacing certain songs with the Bad News hit “Cashing In On Christmas”.
I’ll be honest ,I’ve come to realise Santa Baby sounds like the protagonist isn’t above doing up to and including some hand stuff on Santa in exchange for her list of gifts.
I would consider this a modern christmas classic
Christmas -A Dick in a Box Hanukkah – A Dick in a Box Kwanza -A Dick in a Box every single holiday – a Dick in a Box Well except Mothers day – as that has its own thing ..(that may be the proper NSFW version rather than the SNL version, btw )
364 Days by the Murder City Devils. It’s the ultimate Christmastime barroom weeper. It’s also the rare Christmas song best played after Christmas, not before.
it’s because of what you did when you were 11yes, you
If I had to pick one to add to the canon from after 1950, it’d be Merry Christmas Everyone by Shakin’ Stevens. If I had to purge one from the records for a few years, it’d be Fairytale of New York. Fuckin’ sick of it. You know your one asshole friend who’s always like “My favorite Christmas movie is Die Hard! I just thoughta that, it’s not an overplayed joke that sells sweaters and shit!” Well, Fairytale of New York is that for Christmas songs now.
I agree with you that “Fairytale of New York” is to Christmas music as Die Hard is to Christmas movies. In that both are so good that they can be enjoyed all year long, rather than just at the Holidays.To your point about purging it, I disagree vehemently, I love that damn song all year long.
Look offshore for new classic Christmas songs. Here’s a cover of ‘12 24′.
From Germany, the title translates as “Softly Falls the Snow”It’s an old song, though…..
The last really good Christmas song was the Boar’s Head Carol….
Because very few things in any category become classics. And it takes a while.
Are you saying that “Shake Up Christmas” by Train will not withstand the test of time?
I hope COVID finally breaks every goddamn Christmas tradition. The holiday has become nothing but a fuck ton of baggage. It starts earlier every year. There are more traditions every year. There’s more griping every year. Social-media-moms get more desperate every year to prove their shit. The 1 year of lockdown, and all the mental illness it has caused, COULD eliminate much more mental illness if it kills Christmas.
It’s to mitigate the rate of annual suicides during the holidays. And to be frank, fuck holiday songs and their subsequent usage in shopping mall and commercial propaganda.
It’s the War on Christmas. The atheist Illuminati won’t allow any more Christmas classics.
I general cringe at Christmas Music but my wife had it on while we’re were making cookies this weekend and “Have yourself a merry little Christmas” player and I started to tear up at the line “Through the years we all will be together, If the fates allow”. Just hit hard this year with Covid . Let’s hope fate allows next year
“Until then, we’ll have to muddle through, somehow.So have yourself a merry little Christmas, now.”
I think why some of those early ones stand the test of time is the fact that they are not poppy happy songs. They are all about remembering and missing the past. Modern Christmas songs always try to be far more silly and happy. Someone could probably have made bank on a slow melancholy crooning about covid Christmas but instead there is probably a song about how Santa discovered Tik Tok this years by BTS
“Christmas Wrapping” or GTFO.
Or, last year’s Letters To Cleo cover…
Love this song!
I mean, this one’s getting a bit long in the tooth but I’d say it’s a ‘Modern Christmas Classic’, right?
WTFAMP, if you’re not feeling X-Mas this year;
BECAUSE NEARLY ALL CHRISTMAS MUSIC SUCKS ESPECIALLY THE BULLSHIT MADE POST 1960 OR SO.
Excuse you, but I think you might be overlooking a classic little festive number called “Simply Having A Wonderful ChrismaNOPE, nope, turns out I literally can’t force myself to go through with typing that even for the purposes of a joke, that song is wretched and one day Paul McCartney will have to answer for that crime before a higher power.
The weird thing is , in the UK and Ireland, most of the classic Christmas music comes from the 70s * and 80s , rather than the 40s and 50s …https://www.kqed.org/pop/19133/the-weird-wonderful-world-of-british-christmas-music
Know what’s funny? A radio station running a generic “Season’s Greetings” message, while the opening to “Father Christmas” by The Kinks plays in the background.
IDK. Oi to the World is a needed classic right now.I always enjoy some non-Ghostbusters Ray Parker Jr.Fairytale of New YorkAnd White Wine in the Sun should be the first song you play Christmas morning.