A look back at the dick-yanking and rod-measuring of medieval England's divorce courts
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For as much as modern life can suck, it’s always good to remember how grateful we should be not to have lived in other, worse places at shittier times in the past. For a good example of this, consider what it was like to get a divorce—and have a bunch of people pulling on and inspecting your bits—in medieval England.
An article called “The Distinguished Medieval Penis Investigators” from Narratively explains just how awful the process of divorce could be for the 14th century English. In order to end a marriage, women of the time had “few grounds” other than to claim their husband was impotent—and to prove it before a court through some really creative experiments.
The article cites an annulment case from 1370 where a woman “filed for divorce … claiming that her husband was impotent.” To make her case, she produced a witness before a church court. The witness said he saw the pair “applying themselves with zeal to the work of carnal intercourse” in a barn and that, even with the husband’s brother looking on and (sorry for the detail) helping out by literally lending a hand, the husband’s “rod was lowered and in no way rising or becoming erect.”
The church court would also consider evidence from “the defendant’s friends and neighbors,” who would perform “physical inspections of genitals and breasts… to determined impotence, virginity, and pregnancy.” Married or widowed women or sex workers “might be tasked by the court with inspecting the man’s genital equipment, or they might expose their breasts and genitals to the allegedly impotent man, give him ale and tasty snacks, kiss him, and rub his penis in a warm room to see whether he became aroused.” While “ale, tasty snacks” and a handy in a warm room might not sound so bad, other divorces entailed even more invasive forms of junk-assessment.
One of the other cases mentioned in the article is from 1433. In a divorce recorded that year, a bunch of people got together at a tavern to check out the wiener quality of a guy named William as his marriage fell apart. “One Robert Lincoln testified that William placed his ‘manly rod’ in his hand,” we learn. “On another evening, three men examined William’s ‘secret manly members’ at a friend’s house. They also gave his penis rave reviews, often comparing it to their own. One testified that he himself had fathered 10 children and that ‘William’s was better in length and girth than [my] rod ever was’. Another reported that William Barton had ‘large and fit testicles…’” Some of the women involved disagreed, with one testifying that “his rod was of no value.” We can picture William, moping at this comment after his dick had initially received such glowing public praise.
Read the entire piece for more fraternal dick-yanking, rod-measuring stories, and, maybe, some inspiration for anyone trying to dream up a Divorce spin-off.
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23 Comments
To make her case, she produced a witness before a church court. The
witness said he saw the pair “applying themselves with zeal to the work
of carnal intercourse” in a barn and that, even with the husband’s
brother looking on and (sorry for the detail) helping out by literally
lending a hand, the husband’s “rod was lowered and in no way rising or
becoming erect.”
Man, porn is so much better today.
I hath arrived to fix thine cable box.
Who doth ordered this pie of dough and tomatoes from the land of Italy?
Pre-Columbus, so you’d have to order a white sauce.
“I’ve come to fix the harpsichord”
“Please good sir, mine Husband doth perished from the Plague, and I occupy this grand manor with no Gentlemen to provide for me. Is there some way a lowly gentlewoman such as myself may call upon your service?”
Is that a bodkin under thy tunick or art thou just merry to see me?
Seems like modern porn is heading back in the medieval direction what with all the sister/cousin-fucking going on.
The only difference i see is that nowadays it’s the “step” brother helping out.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the AV Club commentariat is missing out when Nudeador the Viking isn’t around to offer his thoughts on articles like this.
There’s a great book on the laws, customs and all around fuckery of medieval times in France called “The Last Duel”, no dick measuring but plenty of dick measuring if you know what I mean. Apparently they’re making a movie out of it with Matt Damon and Jodie Comer.
Married or widowed women or sex workers “might be tasked by the court with inspecting the man’s genital equipment, or they might expose their breasts and genitals to the allegedly impotent man, give him ale and tasty snacks, kiss him, and rub his penis in a warm room to see whether he became aroused.” Bishop: Pardon the intrusion, but I have just received news that our archivists can find no record of you having been married.Man: Apologies, father, but it is true. I do not possess a wife. More importantly, I am deficient on funds to procure such carnal release. So… you know, get it where ya can.
So William was definitely gay, right? History comes alive!
Hey, if the whole town publicly exposing and fondling you on multiple occasions doesn’t work for you, hah, I mean, well…I’m not sure what the takeaway is here.
Damn, Jury duty was waaaayyy more exciting, back in the old days.
tasty snacks!!!!!
*fap*
“his rod was of no value.”Man, that’s some cold ass shit.
Insert “Inanimate Carbon Rod” joke …wherever you most prefer, I guess.
Okay, I see the real problem here. The witness was involved in some serious voyuerism roleplay here. And the husband’s brother getting involved as well was a real buzzkill for Hubby. Who invited him? And didn’t he have his own woman to enjoy instead of muscling in on someone else’s fun?
There is so much to unpack here, but let’s start with the last bit- Wherein a group of guys all get together at length (heh-) and declare each others dicks are just the best, while the women are generally unimpressed.This pretty much sums up technology and gender relations for all time.
Sounds to me that many of the impotent guys were probably gay.