Everybody’s dealing with the unique stresses of the coronavirus pandemic in different ways. Some are getting through a difficult time by connecting with friends and family digitally while others spend evenings and weekends stuck at home enjoying new hobbies. Alex Jones, champion of truth, justice, and truly awful conspiracy theories, on the other hand, has reacted to this strange new era by trying to sell snake oil to rubes and going on air to discuss how willing he is to eat his neighbors’ asses.
In a clip tweeted by Sam Thielman, the InfoWars host gives a rousing speech that begins with the emphatic announcement, “I will eat my neighbors.”
“I’ve extrapolated this out and I won’t have to for a few years because I’ve got food and stuff,” Jones continues. “But I’m literally looking at my neighbors now and going, ‘Am I ready to hang them up and gut ‘em and skin’ em and chop ‘em up?’ Y’know what? I’m ready. My daughters aren’t starving to death.”
There’s already a good amount to go on here, especially when you bring in Jones nonsensically stating stuff like “combat model,” “optimal self sufficiency,” and explaining how he’s tried to stop us from turning into cannibal neighborhoods already—apparently by trying to help a bunch of Texans to their deaths by demanding an end to quarantine and comparing public health guidelines to Nazism. But then Jones follows up his unprompted response to the world’s worst round of “would you rather?” by adding, “My superpower is being honest: I’ll eat your ass.”
With that horrible image now lodged in our minds, Jones ramps up the yelling: “I will eat your ass! And that’s what I want the globalists to know: I will eat your ass first.”
None of this speech is too much of a surprise. Faced with tough times in the past, Jones has always displayed the sort of commanding intelligence and soothing rationality that wins public figures like him such a devoted following. When kicked off a bunch of social media channels, he put on a donkey mask and screeched like a demon about “Operation 666"s plan to destroy him. Now, having to be kept inside, separated from his neighbor’s juicy flanks and rumps by a window pane for far too long, is it any wonder that his fantasies have turned him into a de Sade character?
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97 Comments
Alright who had under 2 months in the “When will Alex Jones openly consider cannibalism during the quarantine?” pool?I’m sure he’ll be the first serial killer to use the “I was playing a character” defense.
Norman Bates could’ve taken some pointers.
I’ve been out forever, I had two hours in the pool
Pretty sure given his energy it’s more an eager “I’ll toss your salad” / rimming offer than consumption of our flesh. Given his broad face and scruff and resultant chafing I’m a strong pass.
Voltaire had the under, as he must, in this the best of all possible worlds.
Damn, I had him going for the gay frogs and Sandy Hook false flag actors first. Okay, how much do I owe?
“I was just feeling a bit loopy because I’d recently eaten a big bowl of chilli. Chilli made from people.”
I didn’t realize Alex Jones was a millenial
What exactly is the status of those children he intends to feed with (checks video) his neighbours’s asses? He’s not really in charge of feeding them, is he?
Yeah I was thinking the same thing. Pretty sure his children are living with his ex-wife and not allowed to see him. Even if he shows up with a roasted human for them to eat
Well more fools us then, she’s on Twitter now showing some…concern that he has the kids. Never tried embedding a tweet here, let’s see if this works
It didn’t work
There you go, gramps. Come inside, it’s time for your pill.
That worked much better, thank you young person
I’m 47, but I’m small for my age.
That poser. I bet he doesn’t even listen to Music Band.
Shut up you young whippersnapper and get off my law…..ZZZZ
Sorry, but this made me chuckle, especially the deadpan succinctness of your follow up comment.You have the sympathy of a fellow kinja sufferer.
Yeah but I got the gist. That is depressing. He is a white man so of course he has custody of his children even though he is a maniac
Should he show up, his ex-wife should remind him of one thing that will always be true: “You’ll never be their father.”
I’m no lawyer, but this might meet the letter of the child support decree, but I’m pretty sure it’s not in the spirit of the child support decree!
I take it you are not a fan of anal play, that’s OK. It’s not for everyone. Let’s not kink shame Alex for his desire to lick his neighbor’s…..What’s that? That’s not what he was talking about?Never mind.
He looks like he’s eaten quite a few asses already, chiefly his own.
Say what you will about the man but at least he got rich spreading political propaganda. You and the rest of the clickbait writing hacks at G/O Media can’t be more than two missed paychecks away from living on the street.
I think his eyes are bigger than his stomach.
AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!Them’s some motherfuckin’ BIG eyes!
The concept of Alex Jones eating asses, no matter which meaning of that phrase you use, is unforgivably gross.Wait, are we sure this isn’t a weird cross-promotion for Lovecraft Country?
Both have their origins with racist white men, so its possible
That fat fuck couldn’t do a damn thing.
I find it so hilarious that these people who for years complained about government welfare states and opined about self sufficiency and doomsday prepping are the same ones who, two months into this global crisis, are the ones complaining about wanting their shops and businesses open, and openly discussing resorting to cannibalism to survive. Honestly, it’s enough to make me feel encouraged by the prospect of taking away their guns. Because these dupes are such chicken hawks full of talk and no walk, that I suspect they’d hand over their guns without a fight.
Yeah its funny to see militia men types with guns and camo yelling about how they need a hair cut.
Remember those ding dongs who holed up in a park in Oregon? They were crying for people to send snacks inside of two weeks.I have a friend who sent them a sex toy and lube. Good times.
Oh yes, that was glorious. They started whining that they asked for food and kept getting dildos instead. Don’t ask the internet for food if you aren’t willing to eat a dick!
I’m making the wiki page about it into my afternoon read. Let me know if you find anything particularly ridiculous before I do.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Occupation_of_the_Malheur_National_Wildlife_Refuge
Bruce Doucette, the owner of a computer repair shop in Denver, Colorado, and a self-proclaimed judge, announced on January 12 that he would convene a “citizens grand jury” to charge government officials with various crimes.[106][107] Doucette’s claims to be a judge are consistent with legal frauds often practiced by the sovereign citizen movement and other anti-government movements.[108]SUP BRO I’M A JUDGE
Legal scholars, these guys were not. But a sympathetic judge let them off with almost nothing given the whole armed insurrection thingy. It’s a reminder that the Pacific Northwest is largely MAGA land outside of the big coastal cities. Those Portland and Seattle voters have to outvote swaths of sovereign state loonies.
I was reading about it, and yes, the judge did seem to go easy on them, but one thing of note was that every elected official who won their primaries in 2016 from that area denounced the ‘occupation’. It wasn’t even widely well-received among the other lunatic fringe groups.
Seriously. You’d think they’d be ecstatic that hiding in your bunker and hoarding supplies was suddenly fashionable. I was expecting them to be all “I WAS DOING THIS BEFORE IT WAS COOL!” But instead, they’re all “I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO COOK AND DESPITE MY BLUSTER I AM LESS ABLE TO DEAL WITH NOT EATING HARDEE’S FOR EVERY MEAL THAN ALL THOSE LIBERAL CALIFORNIA FAGS. I NEVER THOUGHT *I’D* BE SOYLENT!”
It’s glorious. For years now, conservative fuckknuckles have been going on about how “soft” liberals and the younger generations are and how we can’t face up to the real world. Well, guess what? The real world actually means working together as a community to find the best solutions to help the most number of people, not becoming a survivalist lone wolf with a bunker full of tinned meat. Social distancing and self-isolation is working in the places that are trying it, and lots of people are getting through the existential difficulty of this time by connecting with each other online and sharing their skills and hobbies. Too bad right-wing bigots are so bad at making friends with anyone not exactly like themselves.
Did we ever come to a final verdict on just how “sincere” Jones is about his whole…vibe? Because, come on, you know what you’re saying when you say “I will eat your ass.” If you’re earnestly expressing a (batshit crazy) willingness to engage in cannibalism after two months of social distancing, you’re not phrasing it like that.
He’s just been waiting for an excuse to go full Dahmer.
He’s sort of like JD, but without the same depth of humanity, compassion, or conscience.
.
My first impression was “assbleaching is a thing” and we all know now that consuming bleach is a surefire way of killing covid so he may be thinking of it as a seasoning?
During his custody trial he testified under oath that his Infowars schtick is him “playing a character.” Too bad his mouth breathing minions believe every word that spill out of his fat, ugly mouth.
I think that defense is…both a truth and a lie.
A lot of it, I think, he sincerely believes in. But during some of those rants, he does tell on himself with some of the things he circles around to (his not-so-casual bigotry, his repeated harping on drag queen storytime.)
When it comes to a lot of the big game, I believe he’s full of shit, but given how much of that is just him ranting, I do think there’s some parts of him slipping through he probably doesn’t realize are there. Especially lately with his having fallen off the wagon and getting eaten alive in court.
I have no doubt he’s just putting on an act, and I have to begrudgingly admit, a brilliant one.
The guys at Knowledge Fight called this as Jones making a desperate play for attention (given he has a history of counting on weird outbursts like this going viral.)
As far as the ‘eating ass’ part, I could see it going one of two ways. Either it’s a calculated part of the scam designed to really get people talking about it, or he genuinely didn’t realize it (he DOES have some weird blind spots) and none of his staff had the guts to correct him (which, given that tell all article from earlier this year which outlined a lot of his downright abusive behavior to his employees…I’d also believe.)
“My superpower is being honest: I’ll eat your ass.”Nice try dude, we’ve all heard it before and by people that don’t resemble red faced bloated meatballs.
I’m glad I kept the SaladTosserMan #1 comic, I’l bet it’s value is skyrocketing right now.
“red faced bloated meatballs”That may be the most perfectly hilarious description of anybody, ever.
This guy would already be dead if he was my neighbor
Rand Paul’s neighbor located!
Nah, If I was Rand Paul’s neighbor, I would just take his hairpiece and hide it.
Speaking as someone from Kentucky, the neighbor was only wrong in that he didn’t finish the job.
Sorry, but that’s a threat?He’s safe from the reverse, I’m unsure whether I want to make the physical contact that would be necessary to kick his.
I think it was Survivorman discussing survival scenes in movies and getting to Alive with the soccer players in the Andes. You would start with the gluttious maximus because it’s one of the largest muscles and furthest from anything that looks too human.So, Alex Jones put some serious thought into eating ass. Probably has a book of recipes on how he would prepare a good rump roast.
People on Twitter: campaign for months to get Alex Jones banned from TwitterAlso people on Twitter: send Alex Jones trending in the realm of six digits for saying stupid, dangerous thingsPeople, no platforming only works if you also do not give them a platform. That goes for you too, Reid.
Whenever I see this dbag I remember a video from a year or two ago where he’s having a meltdown at some diner and people are just pointing and laughing at him.
I forgetting Jones isn’t the one dying of cancer and I can’t remember if that should make me sad or not.
Limbaugh.
I know. I just can’t decide who’d I rather see leave this mortal plane most.
If it makes you feel any better, Jones got weirdly petty when Trump decided to give Limbaugh an award, so he’s still suffering for that.
So he’s not talking about analingus.
i hope his neighbors are wearing go-pros when he charges them wearing his tinfoil hat & they shoot him dead.
He lives in a wealthy enclave. His neighbors have help for that.
I’m wondering do his neighboors have any like…legal options? I feel like it can’t be legal to openly plan to eat people.
Time to deploy that HOA for good, not evil.
Okay I wouldn’t go that far, but I do have delicious visions of his comeuppance.
Dood needs to read up on the 10th Commandment
We don’t kink shame in this house.
Why would he need to resort to cannibalism? The grocery stores are open. … And really, if they do close down for some reason, that expired box of dry spaghetti in the back of your pantry should come to mind as a desperate option first.Also, you can have my ass when you pry it from my cold, dead, pelvis.
That’s the thing: there are so many better, easier and more palatable alternatives to eating people. Even if society breaks down and you go lawless, maybe try stealing food (which will still exist in abundance) before having to fight, kill and butcher a fellow human being for sustenance.
I might start reconsidering the existence of a god if this pig of a man died from COVID-19.
No stranger to ass eating, he.
I would think that this is enough for his neighbors to, at the minimum, get a restraining order. And possibly get him arrested for threatening to kill them.
I mean, if Jones has enough apocalypse slop to last for a couple of years, he could use that time to grow some food and raise a flock of chickens, even a cow or goat or two. If he has to resort to cannibalism once his buckets run out, I have to think part of him wanted to.
Oh, he definitely would rather kill someone and feel like that’s some kind of victory then try to grow his own food. For one thing, that would require nurturing something.
Seeing as it’s Texas, would it be okay if the next time his neighbors so much as saw Alex Jones poking his head over the fence, they erased his face with a shotgun? I mean, the dude is all over the internet saying he’s sizing you up in case he, you know, decides he has to string you up and gut you..And, again, it’s TEXAS.
I literally cannot stop laughing. My eyes are tearing from laughing so hard.
I feel like I’d be worried if he wasnt a fat, out of shape narcassist. I’m hardly some sort of elite fighter or anything, but I feel like my background of ‘wrestling with my dogs’ and ‘running at a moderate clip semi frequently’ puts me in a position where I could easily dodge his attacks until he just keeled over on his own and I’d be safe.On the other hand, he seems to be on a lot of meth, so that could be a short term issue
Tough to say on the meth, but the guy has shown signs of being a pretty hardcore alcoholic.
One of the plusses of listening to Knowledge Fight is them finding the samples of him supremely shit-faced.
He is no more capable of making more meth than he is butchering his neighbors. You just need to wait him out.
Governors and FDA: We cannot stress this enough, do NOT eat people!
Shitty “Americans”: Fuck you! It’s our god-given right as yeehaw Americans to eat people if we damn well want to!
Trump: Well, the cannibals are actually very nice people…
How much will it cost to make him go away?
It’s all in the emphasis. When I first heard this story go by, I figured he was saying “I will eat your ass,” using “ass” as the common slang term for “self,” like “where yo’ ass at?” But no, this being Alex Jones, of course it was intended as “I will eat your ass.”
It seems odd to jump right to ass eating. For survival cannibalism, there are a lot of other body parts that would be better for consumption. That really reinforces something I suspect about a lot of these blowhard go-bag bunker nuts — they aren’t truly prepared for long-term survival. They may have an underground cargo container full of canned goods, MREs, and AK-47s, but they haven’t thought past the initial phase. True survival is going to take farming skills (including planting, raising, and harvesting the crops) and livestock skills (including the full lifecycle, plus butchering), not just shooting everyone else.If it’s ritual cannibalism he has in mind, that’s also strange. Your mythological and anthropological cannibalism usually has a magical purpose for eating part of a person. You might eat their brain to gain their knowledge or their heart for their strength. Other organs may have other powers. I’m not sure why you’d go right for the ass. Maybe to cure your own IBS? “I eat this healthy ass so that mine may be well again!”
Two things:
1) Having heard the larger rant on Knowledge Fight, it even comes across less as done for necessity, more out of spite. Which is…not much better when your options are ‘inept’ or ‘psychopath’
2) “Ewww! You’re gonna carve from the butt?”
“Well where do you want me to carve from?!”
“…Well, not butt!” — Cannibal! The Musical
“Soon, I will have the comfiest rear in the world, and my days of sitting shall be done in supreme luxury!”
According to CDC guidelines, it’s risky for Jones to engage in eating ass outside of his immediate family circle.
I think one of the most troubling aspects of this pandemic is that it has given new life to this fat fuck grifter.
I prefer syrup.
I can just see Jones running into one of his neighbours after all this is over.“Oh, hi, Alex. Glad that pandemic ended. You, uh, said some pretty wild things back then. By the way, have you met my wife and small children? The ones you, presumably, would have eaten?”