Belle won’t wash her damn filthy hands in this Beauty And The Beast coronavirus parody
Aux Features Coronavirus
A lot—and we mean a lot—of coronavirus-centric song parodies have emerged over the last several weeks-that-feel-like-months. The Knack even covered their own song, for crying out loud. And the following video is not the first to throw some Disney into the mix. It is, however, among the most demented, because it operates on a fiendishly simple principle: What if Belle, the heroine of Beauty And The Beast, was one of those fuckheads who absolutely refuses to practice social distancing, can’t be bothered to wash her hands, just loves a non-essential errand, and doesn’t sneeze into her elbow?
Not pictured: Belle returning from her spring break trip to Florida. True, and a bit alarming. Who’d have ever thought that this could be?
Seriously, this parody, created by musician Sharon Luxenburg and brought to our attention by this simple viral tweet, is kind of devilishly perfect. Yes, there’s some slant rhyme and the odd typo, but the little details really make it sing. The hysterical “I Need! Six Eggs!” lady is here very distressed by having to homeschool her bazillion children, the sleazy butcher wants to shelter-in-place with his attractive customer, and all the gossip about Belle has nothing to do with her being a bookworm and more to do with her being an asshole who “isn’t sick.”
To be fair to this version of Belle, it looks like the whole quiet village (not so quiet, really) is doing a terrible job of social distancing during the time of COVID-19. But she seems to be a special case, and is downright Hudgensian in her thinking: “True, now the death rate’s higher, but we can’t control when we will die, so let it be.”
In short, even a person who seems healthy can be infected, carrying this virus to the bookshop, the bakery, the butcher, the picturesque fountain, the list goes on. Come to think of it, very few of the Disney princesses would handle this crisis well. Ariel is a slob who brushes her hair with utensils—doesn’t speak to great hygiene habits. Cinderella keeps a tidy household but when she’s told to stay at home she sneaks out and goes to balls and stuff. (Lots of Disney princesses do that, in fact.) Snow White would be pretty okay once she’s in that glass coffin but surely all seven dwarves are vulnerable, being of advanced years, and Dopey seems to already have a bit of a respiratory condition. But there’s always Aurora of Sleeping Beauty fame, who expertly social distances (though to by choice), and most appropriately Frozen’s Elsa, who while not technically a Disney princess, does spend the first movie self-isolating in an ice palace and even before that constantly wears gloves.
Anyway, stay inside and wash your hands, or you’ll never deliver true love’s kiss before the last rose petal falls, you dumbass.
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16 Comments
No one’s a pest like Disney.
Makes a mess like Disney.
No one issues a takedown request like Disney. (to the tune of “Gaston”… as long as Disney isn’t listening)
I knew the tune before I even read the parenthetical.
I read it through straight and “Disney” doesn’t really put emphasis on the “Ney” part like “Gas-Ton” does, so I felt the clarification might help. 🙂
Now nominated for 3 WEBBYs
Man the whole “We all die sometime” thing hits hard because that is what my father-in-law has been saying for two weeks. The guy has had a hard life, when he was a small kid during one of India/Pakistan conflicts and saw some shit there. He has struggled all his wife trying to run a small business in this country. My mother-in-law suffered a brain aneurysm about 20 years ago and has been mentally and physically disabled since and he is her primary care taker. So I get that he has seen a lot of hell but he basically keeps telling the family “If I die, I die” with no regard for the rest of us or others.Honestly I think the problem is my wife tried to stress his and her moms safety and life and he just blew that off. Fucker doesn’t realize that if he is sick and chooses not to shelter at home he is exposing everyone he is in contact to the virus too if he gets it.
In truth, in my experinece, the older we get, the more we slide towards Chaotic Neutral nihilism. definitely before you finish your second century, and sometimes as early as your first, whether or not you’re paying attention, you’ll end up at the Big Shrug. I been here a long time, and if it’s lonely, so what.
Anyhow, even i’m self-isolating, because it makes a change. The only reasonnable reason to cultivate regular habits, is to have painless stool passage.
The only reasonable reason to cultivate regular habits, is to have painless stool passage.I think I read this in a coffee table book somewhere. If not, keep it in mind for your first coffee table book when you write it.
The trick is to find something that distracts you enough to not care that life has no meaning.
For some people it’s their work, for others their kids. I’m yet to find mine, but I also don’t want to die yet, so I guess I’ll keep searching since I seem to have some time on my hands.
My mother-in-law is also like this. She has always believed “You’ve got your birth date, and you’ve got your death date. There’s nothing you can do to change that, so when it’s time to go, it’s time to go.” It gives me the shits. It’s rubbed off on to my wife, but luckily she’s got enough common sense to take things seriously.
“There’s nothing you can do to change that”Suicide.
Though perhaps only offer that correction at a less stressful time. Let people have their beliefs for now as long as they don’t hurt anyone.
Frozen’s Elsa, who while not technically a Disney princessThe heck she isn’t. She’s a princess until her coronation (and possibly after Frozen 2, depending on how her sister handles royal titles in Arendelle). Elsa’s also one of the princesses in Ralph Breaks the Internet’s princess scene, which is a heck more canonically sound than the stupid “Disney Princess franchise” list, which is just marketing nonsense.
I’ll just randomly point out that in the terrible remake has the plague randomly show up. Also lets be realistic, if any of the Princess characters would forget to wash your hands its Ariel.
Well I bet she never washes that bra.
Ariel?!? Are you kidding me? She’s surrounded by water, washing hands is easy. Jasmine lives in the desert, water is a precious commodity. You don’t just waste water on your hands.
Thats why. Too used to living underwater so washing is an alien concept.
🎶Let Corona rage on
The isolation never bothered me anyway🎶