For our annual Love Week and as Valentine’s Day approaches, enjoy (kind of) this 2018 look at the movies’ most unsexy sex scenes, from Watchmen to The Room to Munich.
What’s that old saying about sex being like pizza? Even when it’s bad, it’s still good? There’s no such saying about bad sex scenes. It’s not uncommon for the movies to get sex wrong—to reduce it to a gauzily lit pantomime of pleasure, actors striking “passionate” poses beneath carefully positioned sheets, in some abstract approximation of knocking boots. But a truly bad sex scene is more than unconvincing. It’s anti-erotic, the onscreen equivalent of a cold shower. Below, we’ve singled out some of the lamest, laziest, skeeviest, and most unintentionally hilarious sex scenes over the last 25 years. Unfortunately, YouTube isn’t letting us post most of these, so in some cases you’ll have to settle for the trailer or a screenshot and hunt them down yourselves. Happy Valentine’s Day?
11+. The collected works of Steven Seagal
Steven Seagal, and Grand Poo-bah of direct-to-video shit, has turned lazy D-list diva behavior into a surreal art form. Year after year, he cranks out indistinguishable cheapies that rarely require him to do much more than sit behind a table and wheezily mumble semi-improvised dialogue like a knock-off Marlon Brando, with hilariously unconvincing green screen effects and body doubles employed for damn near everything else. Far removed from his 1990s heyday, he no longer fights or runs on camera, yet continues to make action movies. But he still does his own deeply unerotic sex scenes. The lap-dance-based script of Seagal’s lovemaking has remained more or less unchanged since Into The Sun, made back when the star still did most of his own standing. A decades-younger, lingerie-model-looking romantic interest takes her top off in front of a seated and fully clothed Seagal (in more recent films like End Of A Gun and , he also keeps his sunglasses on); his hands hover on her back and shoulders; sex is implied via awkward hugs and slow, froggish kissing; everyone (camera included) appears deeply uncomfortable. Seagal’s is the baldest of all power-trip oeuvres, pushing vanity to the edge of representation. His heroes are invariably introduced as martial-expert-slash-ex-federal-agent Casanovas, but what we see is a man in his mid-60s with badly dyed hair, covered in a loose black bag of clothing. Bad guys meet gruesome fates from his stiff kicks and chops and beautiful women can’t resist his clumsy, nonsexual touching. [Ignatiy Vishnevetsky]
The problem with Watchmen in general is that Snyder adapted the text of the story without understanding of the subtlety and nuances of the story. This is especially prevalent in the film’s portrayal of Rorschach but also can be seen in this scene because the comic doesn’t portray it as melodramatic as the film.
There’s also the way Dan and Laurie just kill those guys in the alley like it’s nothing. Dude, that was the entire difference between Rorschach and everyone else.
Oh, and The Comedian’s stoic “I always knew this was coming” at the start. In the comic, he was sitting alone and drunk in his apartment, despite knowing Veidt could easily find him and would surely kill him for what he knew, because he was so broken by what he’d discovered that he didn’t give a shit. Making him a stone faced zen warrior who fights back defeated the entire point, and in fact it makes no sense that a guy in that headspace would’ve waited around unprotected for the axe to fall begin with.
Yeah, it was those weird “it’s so much cooler if we see broken bones pop through skin when they kick the living shit out of those guys; I don’t get why it was so lame in the comic!” moments interspersed with visuals lifted right off the page that just made that movie’s take on faithfulness to the source so bizarre.
And one change that really got me upset- having Laurie say “John always says nothing ever ends”, rather having John actually say it like in the comic. It takes all the weight out of the line.
Ugh, I forgot about that. Yeah, that really does let the air out of it. And now I’m also remembering Jon talking about the miracle of the universe producing Laurie instead of whatever particle that was. I should come up with a clever and adult analysis of why that’s so bad, but all I can think to do is point a finger down my throat and make gagging noises.
Oh that part made me mad, and I otherwise enjoyed the movie. Jon needs to say that line. Malin Ackerman is just terrible overall in that movie anyway; and the whole point is that Jon delivers the line to Ozymandias.
As many issues as I have with Rorschach in the movie, over time, I feel like the character that actually serves as the biggest tell that he missed the point is Ozymandias. A big part of why no one suspects Veidt in the comics, and part of what sells the horror of the reveal in the final part, is the fact that his demeanor to everyone around him is like a big boy scout – not so much in the ‘golly gee’ way, but as just a very earnest, courteous person who keeps all the rough edges filed off of his discussions and is genial even to people whose ideologies he clearly detests. Even more surprising is when this charming philanthropist makes his reveal, there’s no ‘villainous’ persona to go with it – he’s still the earnest, if incredibly misguided, person who desires to help everyone that he was before. There’s some ego, to be sure, but, as he famously puts it best, he’s not a Republic serial villain.
…then the movie comes along. I can’t fault Matthew Goode as much for this, since he’s working with the direction Snyder wants, but holy shit, that character is given an absurd of amount of villain coding in the movie that was absent from the comic – the cold demeanor, the notable absence of regret and uncertainty in the long-term success of his plan (this is one of those omissions that pisses me off to no end), the none-too-subtle tones of menace in the movie’s rewritten version of the failed assassination (a change that now makes it a bit more obvious he was in on it, and to make matters worse takes a plan that was designed first and foremost to throw people off the trail and suggests that Veidt decided ‘and since I’ve got a gun-toting hitman coming by the office anyway, might as well deal with Iaccoca now!’), the color palettes in Karnak, trading the comic’s shades of purple and gold for cold, dark blues and blacks, a color choice also reflected in his redesigned costume. All this, and Snyder even manages to score a couple of ‘coded gay villain’ points with things like the credits shot of him with the Village People at Studio 54 and the infamous ‘Boys’ folder.
I know Snyder and subtlety have never been on the best of terms, but there’s still days I’m surprised how hard he takes a side on this one.
In the theater, my wife leaned over and (not having read the comic) said, “Oh wow, villain entrance.”I tried to play it straightfaced and probably failed. Everything about his introduction screams BAD GUY and it’s annoying.
I feel like Veidt was a no win. Moore’s original subversion of the ubermensch trope was still somewhat shocking in the late years of the cold war. But by the time of Snyder’s film, many modern narratives had pulled similar bait-and-switch moves. A modern audience instinctively mistrusts a magnanimous do-gooder. We expect the “way too good guy” to turn evil.Snyder could’ve followed that and still would’ve spoiled the twist, because it’s just not that surprising a twist.
Also, Snyder apparently didn’t get how accidentally setting off the flamethrower was a joke. But then again, I just re-watched that clip and wondered if Laurie was really aiming for the hilariously dong-shaped missile on the button next to it.
It’s almost impressive how Synder could so deeply, profoundly misunderstand both Watchmen and what makes Superman Superman on such a fundamental level. Almost
My main problem with Watchmen (aside from Snyder making it an action story when it’s clearly fucking not) is that the book itself gives music throughout the story, including this scene. We could have had Billie Holiday!
I maintain that Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah would have worked better, but Zack Snyder probably took the literalist approach and said “we have to maintain *period accuracy*!” for a movie that is an alternate history with spandex-wearing psychopaths
I dunno. The Watchmen sex scene is kind of great if you keep it in context of Night Owl and Silk Spectre’s previous attempt, and to appreciate the unsubtle humor of the flying owl thing’s flame throwers going off at the climax.
The Little Hours has a so-called sex scene that was hyped up but it’s just a disturbing rape scene in which a guy who’s in hiding for his own safety and pretending to be both deaf and mute, is straddled at knifepoint by Aubrey Plaza’s nun character as a fertility ritual. And then there’s an actual consensual and funny scene between Alison Brie and Dave Franco’s characters that they downplayed.
In the similar department to Wiseau and The Room, there’s Neal Breen and Fateful Findings, where Breen’s concept of sex/intimacy is 1) people pushing various objects off a desk (including inexpensive items like many, many laptops), even when it’s not a hurried act of lovemaking, and 2) slowly waltzing in a circle naked in the shower, preferably while one is wearing a large bloody bandage.
I will never forgive Steven Spielberg for that horrifically awful Munich sex scene. That scene turned me off of both Eric Bana and sex for a good long while. It’s just terrible. I can see why they thought it might work—how in production meetings it might seem like a good idea and an “artful” way to shoot the scene. But in reality, juxtaposing the ugly sex with the executions over the course of a nearly five minute long scene is just really taxing on the viewer.
Emma Roberts’ losing her virginity in Lymelife is painfully awkward. I think it should be used in sex ed classes to show if your possible loss of virginity is like the scene Abort, ABORT. I’ve only seen it once but it left an impression.
GYAAAAAHHHH oh christ I’d almost totally fogotten about that movie! I mean, I’ve been TRYING to blot it out of my mind for decades!! Gee, thanks a bunch for the memory. 😛
I was kinda disappointed they didn’t include the sex scene from Criminal Law on this list, in which an insanely over-the-top Gary Oldman is having rough sex with Karen Young, and somewhere midway she transforms into serial killer Kevin Bacon!
I would totally agree, if that movie wasn’t SO FUCKING FUNNY. Oh god, was it glorious. Totally excellent episode of HDTGM, too.
I was recovering from surgery some years ago, and decided to spend a few days watching all the “erotic” early-mid 90s movies (including Color of Night) I was curious about as a tween but never ended up seeing. So had like 5 netflix DVDs piled up (you can guess the approximate date).One of them was Exotica, which I had seen trailers for during like, Pulp Fiction or whatever. A full trailer of Mia Kirshner dancing erotically in a strip club. I was VERY intrigued.What followed was one of the most bizarre “judging a book by its cover” experiences I’ve ever seen. And I have to say, I hated the deception of the trailer, but am now an avowed Atom Egoyan fan.
Does Munich really count? It is wildly uncomfortable to watch (especially with your dad, BTW! Thanks a lot Spielberg, you’re usually such a reliable choice for a father daughter movie pick) but the rest of these scenes were trying to be sexy.
I got the same feeling watching the Twilight sex scene as I did The Last Face sex scene, in that you are so aware that these talented actors are so aware that this is the dumbest shit ever and would very much just like to get the whole thing over with please. There’s no passion, only obligation and no one is happy.I think it’s the only movie I can name where you can see Theron give a performance that her heart obviously isn’t in at all, and Bardem is very aware of this. It should have been the hottest thing ever with zero effort, but Penn made it into a Jordan Sparks novel complete with weird fetishy shots and hefty chunk of his self righteous bullshit.But here’s a weird ‘what if’. Robin Wright and Ryan Gosling we’re tied to this project for years. Glad Wright dodged the bullet, but sad it hit Theron. Please keep Sean Penn far away from everyone who isn’t El Chapo from now on.
The Pool Scene from Showgirls, aka “that’s a nice butt double you’ve got there, Kyle” or “How Elizabeth Berkeley really fucked up her career”…It has everything you could want – cheesy lighting! Cheesy synth music! Boobies flopping about! Strange utilisation of champagne-based products! And, of course, the Suffocating Fish position, so nobly demonstrated by Lizzy Berkeley. What would Mr Belding say?!
“Far removed from his 1990s heyday, he no longer fights or runs on camera, yet continues to make action movies.”Ever see him run?https://giphy.com/gifs/vWTV4WSi2JRpC/html5
144 Comments
The problem with Watchmen in general is that Snyder adapted the text of the story without understanding of the subtlety and nuances of the story. This is especially prevalent in the film’s portrayal of Rorschach but also can be seen in this scene because the comic doesn’t portray it as melodramatic as the film.
Yea the violence is superhuman on screen, doesn’t seem that way in print. Ruins the film.
There’s also the way Dan and Laurie just kill those guys in the alley like it’s nothing. Dude, that was the entire difference between Rorschach and everyone else.
Oh, and The Comedian’s stoic “I always knew this was coming” at the start. In the comic, he was sitting alone and drunk in his apartment, despite knowing Veidt could easily find him and would surely kill him for what he knew, because he was so broken by what he’d discovered that he didn’t give a shit. Making him a stone faced zen warrior who fights back defeated the entire point, and in fact it makes no sense that a guy in that headspace would’ve waited around unprotected for the axe to fall begin with.
Yeah, it was those weird “it’s so much cooler if we see broken bones pop through skin when they kick the living shit out of those guys; I don’t get why it was so lame in the comic!” moments interspersed with visuals lifted right off the page that just made that movie’s take on faithfulness to the source so bizarre.
I always think of Keith Phipp’s review (https://film.avclub.com/watchmen-1798205771) back when the AVClub was still the AVClub whenever I see that scene.“Watchmen-fu”
We have to maintain absolute accuracy, except make everything as uncomfortably violent as possible.” Says a lot about Snyder if you ask me
And one change that really got me upset- having Laurie say “John always says nothing ever ends”, rather having John actually say it like in the comic. It takes all the weight out of the line.
Ugh, I forgot about that. Yeah, that really does let the air out of it. And now I’m also remembering Jon talking about the miracle of the universe producing Laurie instead of whatever particle that was. I should come up with a clever and adult analysis of why that’s so bad, but all I can think to do is point a finger down my throat and make gagging noises.
Oh that part made me mad, and I otherwise enjoyed the movie. Jon needs to say that line. Malin Ackerman is just terrible overall in that movie anyway; and the whole point is that Jon delivers the line to Ozymandias.
She really isn’t good, which is a shame because the movie really centers on her. They should have cast Guigino in her part.
Being able to see into the future, John was actually critiquing that sex scene when he said that.
It really does. It’s a weirdly lazy shortcut for a movie that is slavishly devoted to its source.
The movie is a film about superhero comic books. If he copies the comics completely, it would be a movie about Jason Bourne movies.
As many issues as I have with Rorschach in the movie, over time, I feel like the character that actually serves as the biggest tell that he missed the point is Ozymandias.
A big part of why no one suspects Veidt in the comics, and part of what sells the horror of the reveal in the final part, is the fact that his demeanor to everyone around him is like a big boy scout – not so much in the ‘golly gee’ way, but as just a very earnest, courteous person who keeps all the rough edges filed off of his discussions and is genial even to people whose ideologies he clearly detests. Even more surprising is when this charming philanthropist makes his reveal, there’s no ‘villainous’ persona to go with it – he’s still the earnest, if incredibly misguided, person who desires to help everyone that he was before. There’s some ego, to be sure, but, as he famously puts it best, he’s not a Republic serial villain.
…then the movie comes along. I can’t fault Matthew Goode as much for this, since he’s working with the direction Snyder wants, but holy shit, that character is given an absurd of amount of villain coding in the movie that was absent from the comic – the cold demeanor, the notable absence of regret and uncertainty in the long-term success of his plan (this is one of those omissions that pisses me off to no end), the none-too-subtle tones of menace in the movie’s rewritten version of the failed assassination (a change that now makes it a bit more obvious he was in on it, and to make matters worse takes a plan that was designed first and foremost to throw people off the trail and suggests that Veidt decided ‘and since I’ve got a gun-toting hitman coming by the office anyway, might as well deal with Iaccoca now!’), the color palettes in Karnak, trading the comic’s shades of purple and gold for cold, dark blues and blacks, a color choice also reflected in his redesigned costume.
All this, and Snyder even manages to score a couple of ‘coded gay villain’ points with things like the credits shot of him with the Village People at Studio 54 and the infamous ‘Boys’ folder.
I know Snyder and subtlety have never been on the best of terms, but there’s still days I’m surprised how hard he takes a side on this one.
In the theater, my wife leaned over and (not having read the comic) said, “Oh wow, villain entrance.”I tried to play it straightfaced and probably failed. Everything about his introduction screams BAD GUY and it’s annoying.
I feel like Veidt was a no win. Moore’s original subversion of the ubermensch trope was still somewhat shocking in the late years of the cold war. But by the time of Snyder’s film, many modern narratives had pulled similar bait-and-switch moves. A modern audience instinctively mistrusts a magnanimous do-gooder. We expect the “way too good guy” to turn evil.Snyder could’ve followed that and still would’ve spoiled the twist, because it’s just not that surprising a twist.
You’re so right. I love love love Matthew Goode, but his portrayal of Ozymandias SCREAMS “villain” from the get-go.
The universe in which Tom Cruise played Ozymandias is clearly the prime universe, and this is a lesser one.
You mean Robert Redford surely.
Also, Snyder apparently didn’t get how accidentally setting off the flamethrower was a joke. But then again, I just re-watched that clip and wondered if Laurie was really aiming for the hilariously dong-shaped missile on the button next to it.
Snyder doesn’t get the Watchmen comics the same way Martin Luther King Jr ‘did not get’ that America is built on capitalism.
It’s the worst movie Rife has seen in the theater, y’know.
It’s almost impressive how Synder could so deeply, profoundly misunderstand both Watchmen and what makes Superman Superman on such a fundamental level.
Almost
My main problem with Watchmen (aside from Snyder making it an action story when it’s clearly fucking not) is that the book itself gives music throughout the story, including this scene. We could have had Billie Holiday!
I maintain that Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah would have worked better, but Zack Snyder probably took the literalist approach and said “we have to maintain *period accuracy*!” for a movie that is an alternate history with spandex-wearing psychopaths
I dunno. The Watchmen sex scene is kind of great if you keep it in context of Night Owl and Silk Spectre’s previous attempt, and to appreciate the unsubtle humor of the flying owl thing’s flame throwers going off at the climax.
The Little Hours has a so-called sex scene that was hyped up but it’s just a disturbing rape scene in which a guy who’s in hiding for his own safety and pretending to be both deaf and mute, is straddled at knifepoint by Aubrey Plaza’s nun character as a fertility ritual. And then there’s an actual consensual and funny scene between Alison Brie and Dave Franco’s characters that they downplayed.
In the similar department to Wiseau and The Room, there’s Neal Breen and Fateful Findings, where Breen’s concept of sex/intimacy is 1) people pushing various objects off a desk (including inexpensive items like many, many laptops), even when it’s not a hurried act of lovemaking, and 2) slowly waltzing in a circle naked in the shower, preferably while one is wearing a large bloody bandage.
I will never forgive Steven Spielberg for that horrifically awful Munich sex scene. That scene turned me off of both Eric Bana and sex for a good long while. It’s just terrible. I can see why they thought it might work—how in production meetings it might seem like a good idea and an “artful” way to shoot the scene. But in reality, juxtaposing the ugly sex with the executions over the course of a nearly five minute long scene is just really taxing on the viewer.
Emma Roberts’ losing her virginity in Lymelife is painfully awkward. I think it should be used in sex ed classes to show if your possible loss of virginity is like the scene Abort, ABORT. I’ve only seen it once but it left an impression.
Natalie Wood! especially now that the case is back in the news
I just watched Blade Runner 2049. The sex scene there wasn’t necessarily bad, but… well, I’m not sure how to feel about it.
I mean, the one in the first Blade Runner is awkward and kinda rapey, so…franchise consistency?
I also would have accepted most of Color of Night with Bruce Willis
Unlike most of the moviegoing public at the time!
This from his and Stallone’s “any excuse to show my ass” phase.
I think you even get to see Willis’ tip in the pool.
Id include Van Damme in that category … but objectively speaking he had a good butt
“Wild Orchid” with Mickey Rourke also wants a word.
GYAAAAAHHHH oh christ I’d almost totally fogotten about that movie! I mean, I’ve been TRYING to blot it out of my mind for decades!! Gee, thanks a bunch for the memory. 😛
I was kinda disappointed they didn’t include the sex scene from Criminal Law on this list, in which an insanely over-the-top Gary Oldman is having rough sex with Karen Young, and somewhere midway she transforms into serial killer Kevin Bacon!
… I wasn’t supposed to be aroused by that?!
I would totally agree, if that movie wasn’t SO FUCKING FUNNY. Oh god, was it glorious. Totally excellent episode of HDTGM, too.
I was recovering from surgery some years ago, and decided to spend a few days watching all the “erotic” early-mid 90s movies (including Color of Night) I was curious about as a tween but never ended up seeing. So had like 5 netflix DVDs piled up (you can guess the approximate date).One of them was Exotica, which I had seen trailers for during like, Pulp Fiction or whatever. A full trailer of Mia Kirshner dancing erotically in a strip club. I was VERY intrigued.What followed was one of the most bizarre “judging a book by its cover” experiences I’ve ever seen. And I have to say, I hated the deception of the trailer, but am now an avowed Atom Egoyan fan.
I liked it: I needed to brush up on my WWII military history anyway.
There’s some cracking writing up there.
Ahh Sliver, remember taking a girl to see that and her questioning why Tom Berenger was the other “sexy” man in it. She called him Lumpy.
Does Munich really count? It is wildly uncomfortable to watch (especially with your dad, BTW! Thanks a lot Spielberg, you’re usually such a reliable choice for a father daughter movie pick) but the rest of these scenes were trying to be sexy.
I got the same feeling watching the Twilight sex scene as I did The Last Face sex scene, in that you are so aware that these talented actors are so aware that this is the dumbest shit ever and would very much just like to get the whole thing over with please. There’s no passion, only obligation and no one is happy.I think it’s the only movie I can name where you can see Theron give a performance that her heart obviously isn’t in at all, and Bardem is very aware of this. It should have been the hottest thing ever with zero effort, but Penn made it into a Jordan Sparks novel complete with weird fetishy shots and hefty chunk of his self righteous bullshit.But here’s a weird ‘what if’. Robin Wright and Ryan Gosling we’re tied to this project for years. Glad Wright dodged the bullet, but sad it hit Theron. Please keep Sean Penn far away from everyone who isn’t El Chapo from now on.
The Pool Scene from Showgirls, aka “that’s a nice butt double you’ve got there, Kyle” or “How Elizabeth Berkeley really fucked up her career”…It has everything you could want – cheesy lighting! Cheesy synth music! Boobies flopping about! Strange utilisation of champagne-based products! And, of course, the Suffocating Fish position, so nobly demonstrated by Lizzy Berkeley. What would Mr Belding say?!
“Far removed from his 1990s heyday, he no longer fights or runs on camera, yet continues to make action movies.”Ever see him run?https://giphy.com/gifs/vWTV4WSi2JRpC/html5
The Seagal write-up is OMG so fucking funny! And the clip – whew, that poor girl.
Mitchell should be on this list.“BABY OIL NOOOOO!”“MymymyGOD NOOOOO!”
You guys (and many other people) are nuts: the sex scene in “Watchmen” is great. So there.
I really liked the Watchmen movie but my god that sex scene was so laughably bad!
What? No Flesh for Frankenstein? To know life, you have to fuck death in the gall bladder!