Read this: Meghan Markle on her miscarriage, grief, and the power of "are you okay?"
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Today the New York Times published in its opinion page a piece written by Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex. To call it a story about her miscarriage is to dramatically limit the scope of her piece. It’s about grief, compassion, and the dangerous assumption that someone else can always do the caring. It’s also great writing.
Losing a child means carrying an almost unbearable grief, experienced by many but talked about by few. In the pain of our loss, my husband and I discovered that in a room of 100 women, 10 to 20 of them will have suffered from miscarriage. Yet despite the staggering commonality of this pain, the conversation remains taboo, riddled with (unwarranted) shame, and perpetuating a cycle of solitary mourning.
Some have bravely shared their stories; they have opened the door, knowing that when one person speaks truth, it gives license for all of us to do the same. We have learned that when people ask how any of us are doing, and when they really listen to the answer, with an open heart and mind, the load of grief often becomes lighter — for all of us. In being invited to share our pain, together we take the first steps toward healing.
At its heights, grief often feels unconquerable. It feels as if it will never go away—and it rarely does, not entirely. To experience such grief and find in it an opportunity to connect with others, to make them feel less alone, is an act of generosity and bravery in the very best of circumstances. The woman once known as Meghan Markle does not experience grief in the very best of circumstances. For all Meghan’s incredible privilege (and she’s married to Prince Charming, so yeah, privilege) she’s also a woman who’s had abuse endlessly shoveled at her by both certain, deeply shitty segments of both the press and the public. Racism, check. Misogyny, check. Classist garbage, check.
Meghan’s piece is an illustration of the power of empathy. Rather than grieve in isolation, she chooses to share, in hopes that others will feel less alone. That’s a choice that Chrissy Teigen also made last month, in a piece she published to Medium on her own miscarriage. But Meghan connects this loss to other losses people all over the world are experiencing every day. She shares a memory from when she was a teenager and saw a woman weeping on a New York sidewalk, as well as a memorable interview she gave (which went viral) in which the journalist simply asked her if she was okay.
It’s obviously a moment that lingered. Not only does she recount the experience in the story, but it’s also essentially the cornerstone of the argument she makes here. The piece is absolutely worth reading in full, but here’s the moving (and seasonally appropriate!) conclusion:
So this Thanksgiving, as we plan for a holiday unlike any before — many of us separated from our loved ones, alone, sick, scared, divided and perhaps struggling to find something, anything, to be grateful for — let us commit to asking others, “Are you OK?” As much as we may disagree, as physically distanced as we may be, the truth is that we are more connected than ever because of all we have individually and collectively endured this year.
We are adjusting to a new normal where faces are concealed by masks, but it’s forcing us to look into one another’s eyes — sometimes filled with warmth, other times with tears. For the first time, in a long time, as human beings, we are really seeing one another.
Are we OK?
We will be.
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26 Comments
Not to at all make light of this frankly beautiful piece of writing but, this talk of empathy really reminded me of later years Diana. Guess Meghan is the new Diana? Is that a stretch?
A primary takeaway of mine from season 4 of The Crown is that it is tacit validation of she and Prince Harry’s decision to leave that gilded horse-laden hellscape.
Can’t wait to check out the Daily Mail’s ridiculous and racist take on what really is a moving and sincere oped.
Yeah they will be hateful and bigoted. But fuck them.
I really think it was the tabloids more than any real animosity between Harry and the family. Or a combination. Harry more than William (who isn’t allowed to be as opinionated) is resentful of the media, as they killed his mum and all. And now they’re doing the same shit to his wife. Plus he’s been vocal about his decreasing status as prince, as now there’s zero hope of him ever being king, not that he was hoping for Will to die, it just means he really has to become his own person, which is probably hard in a fairly crowded family.
I mean, sheesh, how would you feel about an entity that speculates on a regular basis that your dad isn’t really your dad?
‘Daily Mail’, apparently, is the most widely circulated paper in England. The article seemed pretty generic, but if you look at which comments are liked and disliked, Man, do the English hate her. Sympathy for her gets substantially more dislikes than likes. Example:Its truly awful. We also suffered a miscarriage in May at the start of lockdown but chose to keep it private. Its up to each individual what they feel is right. Either way, no matter how many weeks you are, the feeling of devastation is one you cannot explain. It is indescribable pain. Im not fond of her but wish her healing.ReplyNew Comment
12671Click to rateJoni Mitchell, Midsomer Village Warwickshire, United Kingdom, 4 hours agoSo sorry for their loss. My prayers and thoughts are with them during this difficult and sad time. May God carry them and guide them to heal.ReplyNew Comment
14041Click to rateNelly, Standing in the Sun, United Kingdom, 4 hours agoThis is heartbreaking for all couples and I feel for them. I wish they’d kept this news private to themselves now they are private citizens. It’s a sad time for a family and in my opinion not world headlines. But everyone is different.21199… and it goes on for thousands of comments …https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8985249/Meghan-Markle-reveals-suffered-miscarriage.html… Lovely.
I want to say no only because people sided WITH Diana when Markle gets a lot of hate both for being American and biracial. She’s almost a cross between Diana and Wallis Simpson due to her status as an American divorcee being seen as a gold digger.
Well, Wallis Simpson minus the Nazi connection.
Not to at all make light of this frankly beautiful piece of writing but, didn’t the AV Club used to write about movies, TV, and music?
“Former Suits actress writes about miscarriage”There, TV news.
Honestly, I wouldn’t care if AVC content was fifty percent recipes or something. Imagine trying to cover industries that have ground to a halt in this 24/7 internet news age.
To the degree that Cracked stuck to comedy, they’ve always occasionally strayed from that and when they did, controversy emerged
Stick to sports!
Royalty’s tabloid showbusiness. What did you think it is?
Isn’t entertaining people basically the royal family’s whole job?
I lost my son of seven to cancer 3 years ago. It took therapy starting this past January to be able to say his name, or clean out his room, or cry with my wife. We actually celebrated his birthday this past Spring instead of mourning it and this Christmas we have decided to decorate like we used to. I couldn’t write this a year ago, so I guess sharing does help.
Oh god I’m sorry. Lost my mother to cancer three years back. Sometimes wonder if I’m alright but sharing with understanding people does help dull the pain.
I lost my my mom to cancer too, it does help.
Internet hugs bro. That’s an awful loss.
I wish there was something I could say that would take away even an ounce of your pain. I’m glad that sharing has helped.
Thank you
I’m so sorry. I’m just so sorry. Hard as it was, thank you for sharing this.
Are you OK?
Am okay thank you. Just sad.
Its absolutely awful how people blame someone for a miscarriage, I know a person whose mom said “I forgive you” after she had one.
Slap bang on January 2nd, 2018, I started a new job. A job I really desperately needed, because I was unemployed for the entirety of 2017 and had ended a long term relationship in October of that year. I was so broke I hadn’t even moved out of my ex’s place yet and was sleeping on an air mattress in the spare room. I was drinking a lot, eying bridges in my city a bit too closely. If this job hadn’t come along, I dunno what I would’ve done because I felt at the end of my rope.
I’d been given a great opportunity, but you could tell I was still a mess; stressed out, heartbroken, feeling alone and rejected. Even though I loved the job and my team, I’d lash out occasionally or just lose my temper for no reason. My boss finally called me into his office and said: “You’re not in trouble, but…is everything okay?”
I finally burst into tears in his office. I resisted giving him the whole story, but he was understanding and kept tissues coming until I regained my composure. I went back to therapy that same week.
Never underestimate just asking someone a simple question.