As if the outside world wasn’t terrifying enough already, squirrels—the beady-eyed tree rats most of us just sort of ignore throughout our lives—have launched an offensive on the people of New York City.
According to a CBS report from last week, “people living in a Queens neighborhood” have been living through a chittering, bushy-tailed hell thanks to area squirrels’ decision to launch a series of unprovoked attacks as part of some unknowable rodent war campaign. The report describes a Queens resident named Micheline Frederick who was attacked by a squirrel “as she stood on the front stoop of her Rego Park home” last month.
“You hear someone has been bitten by a squirrel, you’re like ‘Okay, you got a little nib, what’s the deal?’” Frederick told CBS. “But this was … This was an MMA cage match! And I lost!” She and the squirrel “[wrestled] in the snow” until it eventually gave up and ran away, leaving her left hand bloodied.
Frederick isn’t alone. The article describes the experiences of Frederick’s neighbors, who were attacked by squirrels sitting on their mailboxes, climbing up their legs, or jumping onto their backs and biting them.
The good news is that the Centers For Disease Control “says small rodents like squirrels are almost never found to have rabies,” but the bad news is that this means nobody really knows why the Queens squirrels have started attacking people out of nowhere—why they’ve, uh, gone a little nuts.
For now, we can only recommend making a careful study of accounts describing the deranged New York squirrels in order to learn as much as you can about how to avoid the violent little freaks.
[via Boing Boing]
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28 Comments
Squirrels are no laughing matter. Why, even Our Benevolent Overlord Victor Von Doom has been bested by squirrels…
Oh you have no idea.TLDW: Squirrels are supernaturally able to foil whatever you throw at them. Including a honeytrap. And a tourist trap. And a trap trap.
Wilson has been preparing for this for years.
I don’t think so, Tim…
Worse, they aren’t even artisanal!
Over the last several months we ceded the streets to the squirrels. They do not want to give them back.
Once they’ve tasted human blood…
Squirrels attack?! That’s nuts.
Welp, it’s finally happened. Even animals who are unaware of the world beyond their small territories are fucking sick of hearing about New York like it’s the center of the universe.
Oh Jeez
https://gfycat.com/neatgraylemur-morty-talks-to-squirrels-rick-and-morty
the crummy part for them is that while it is highly unusual that a squirrel would have rabies (mostly because they’re unlikely to survive an attack that would transmit the disease long enough to spread it themselves) if you don’t kill it so it can be tested, you still really need to have the shots to be safe. given that once rabies sets in, you’re dead, its better to get the painful shots then risk it.
the only time i’ve ever been attacked by a squirrel was when i cornered one (which is pretty understandable) but the spaces in the CBS report are way too open to corner anything, let alone something as agile as a squirrel.
also, traps don’t really work on squirrels. so that’s probably a dead end
greatest city on earth!
2021 had to one up 2020’s murder hornets somehow.
HEY, LOOK! IT’S FOAMY’S ARMY OF DARKNESS!
squirrels—the beady-eyed tree rats most of us just sort of ignore throughout our livesIf you don’t find squirrels adorable and delightful (they are unendingly clever) then you’ve got a fucking dead heart in your chest! I suspect the people these squirrels are attacking are of this dead-hearted ilk.
Squirrels suck. Jittery and erratic and annoying and dragging garbage around.I expect better taste from a bunny lover (based on your username, I hope?).
Or he’s in solidarity with models kept imprisoned in the Playboy mansion.
I can’t have love for bunnies and squirrels?!
I shall not allow it! Bunnies are actually cute and cuddly with a gentle temperament. More bunnies and fewer squirrels and the world is a better place. 😉
I like squirrels. I do. But I always find myself wishing they were raccoons. Sorry, squirrels!
Raccoons are pretty awesome.
We fought off the squirrels long ago when we successfully colonized New York. But due the covid lockdowns, the squirrels were able to mobilize and retake much of the territory. They will not be so easily defeated this time. It’s going to take an extraordinary effort to fight them off once again. What are you prepared to sacrifice for The Cause?
Squirrel scientists invented COVID in a secret lab in a hollow tree.
The good news is that the Centers For Disease Control “says small rodents like squirrels are almost never found to have rabies”They are, however, loaded with plague bacilli! (Okay fine, not usually in NYC.)
A horde of vermin has also invaded the Capitol in Washington, DC today.
We knew it was coming…
NYC squirrels have always been a menace. In Madison Square Park, they will literally run up your leg to snatch food out of your unwary hand. Tree rat is too good a moniker. At least rats have the decency to scatter when the sun comes up.