Okay, so Michael Cohen, The Situation, and the Fyre Fest guy all walk into the same federal prison…
Aux Features Aux
Earlier this afternoon, the U.S. Bureau of Prisons announced where Michael Cohen—the former Donald Trump “fixer” who briefly became the collective darling of the American people with his heartwarming, only moderately self-serving testimony in front of the House Oversight Committee—would be spending the next three years of his life, after being convicted earlier this year on a variety of charges, including tax evasion and facilitating illegal campaign contributions. In what we can only assume was the pay-off of a favor to a harried Saturday Night Live writer somewhere, the Bureau revealed that Cohen will soon be taking up residence in the Federal Correctional Institute in Otisville, New York—a.k.a. the same medium-security prison that currently houses both MTV reality star The Situation and Billy McFarland, a.k.a. “The Fyre Fest guy”.
Let’s get a quick disclaimer out of the way here: Prison sucks for pretty much anybody. It’s inherently dehumanizing, unsafe, and designed to break people down, and “cushy” prison sentences remain a very subjective idea. Still, it’s worth noting that Otisville is the place Bernie Madoff unsuccessfully asked to be sent to serve out his life sentence about a decade back, and as a facility for non-violent offenders, it’s generally considered to be a much less dangerous place than many of the spots where Cohen could have ended up—unlike the fates of any number of imprisoned Americans without the foresight to spend years as Trump’s personal (alleged) mistress-buyer-offer.
Anyway, we’re going to spend the rest of our afternoon quietly imagining the conversations Cohen, The Situation, and McFarland might have with each other in their open-bunk housing, reminiscing on the finer points of American club culture and how hard remembering to pay your taxes can be. (Hey, SNL writers: Can we get Taran Killam to come back to be the Fyre Fest guy when this inevitably makes it on the air?)
20 Comments
excellent, bra!
The country club prisons these sort go to do not have fences, walls, or cells. They exist to pretend that justice exists
Yeah, I just skimmed an article about Otisville; they’ve got tennis courts, horseshoes, cardio equipment, and a microwave…the last of which will come in handy, since they’re also allowed to bring in outside food.
No walls? So, like, basically a bunch of gazebos?
I mean, I’m looking at FCI Otisville on Google Maps and it appears to have a double ring of fences around it. And buildings, with walls. I realize that there’s plenty of valid criticisms about certain convicted criminals being given kid glove treatment compared to others, but “do not have fences or walls” is objectively false.
I dunno dude. Looks very prison like to me with high walls and fences.
And tennis courts, and a baseball diamond, and a courtyard with trees ..
You know most prisons in this country have such things right? Or are you one of those right-wingers who thinks we should be like China and Saudi Arabia and carry out the most brutal amount of punishment towards inmates and get mad because inmates have access to TVs, tennis courts, and light in their cells?
Tennis? Really?
they’re working in scandinavian countries, while ours aren’t
Our prisons work just as they were designed to work.
can’t argue that
It’s pretty rad that The Situation is, without question, the least morally objectionable person in the group.
Also, the most competent.
I can only assume Lori Loughlin’s joining them.
That goofy expression makes him look like Jim Nabors. “Well, GOLLLLLL-LEE, Sergeant Carter!”
worse than MS-13 it is: WALL OF AXE
There are minimum-security prisons without exterior walls or fences, such as FCI Morgantown in West Virginia, often called Club Fed. Fences (and the heavy expense they require to guard and maintain) aren’t required in such facilities, because the sentences are generally short and the life inside much easier. Any escape attempt adds a mandatory five years to a convict’s sentence AND automatic transfer to a prison with much harsher conditions. No one with any sense is going to risk that. The real problem is keeping contraband from coming IN.
You’re correct about prison in general: those commenting about ‘Tennis Jail’ do have a point, especially considering the carceral society in the US that overwhelmingly afflicts people of colour and the poor. But prison is prison. I’ve been in prisons as an academic on a visit and I’ll tell you what, knowing that you cannot open that door that just closed behind you, go to the bathroom or speak to someone without permission from an officer is a powerful reminder of your loss of agency. Your fight or flight tries to kick in because all prisons are dehumanising environments. I got stressed on visits to a low-security education unit on a short-sentence prison. What its like to be in a Supermax gulag makes my mind boggle. Cohen is not going to have a pleasant time, believe you me.
Somewhere, some sleazy TV exec has one of his greatest boners ever over the fact that he’s the first who thought to pitch a reality show based on these guys and this place.